Friday, October 30, 2009

Friday Bonus

I wish I had a pet monkey.
I’ve always wanted one.
Maybe that’s why I wanted kids.
They suck as monkeys.
Except for the eating bananas and throwing their poop everywhere part.
They own that.

Seriously, wouldn’t a pet monkey be wicked cool.
Not one of those mean ones that tear peoples’ faces off, like that one in Connecticut, or where ever.
Remember that one?
Went all crazy on that lady’s friend up there in New England.
That little monkey tried eating that ladies face for real.
What was its name, Moooooog35 or something?

I’d want one that sits on my shoulder and fetches me stuff, like Jack in Pirates of the Caribbean.
But without the whole “living dead” part.
That way, if I got tired of it, I could easily kill it.

Clint Eastwood had a cool monkey.
“Right turn Clyde!”
He’d be punching out bikers, getting in fights, and just making good times.
With a monkey like that, you rule.
Nobody wants to fight a monkey.
1) cause you look like an idiot fighting a monkey.
B) they would kick your ass. And pull your arms off for fun.

Michael Jackson had a monkey.
He named it Bubbles.
It was probably gay.
Only gay monkeys have stripper names.

Sometimes you see a monkey wearing a diaper.
That’s just lazy.
Teach that monkey to use the toilet.
Don’t be lazy.

Sometimes people put clothes on their monkey.
That always makes me laugh.
You think that monkey likes wearing human clothes?
Those are the same people that buy clothes for their dogs.
Speaking of which, I saw a Pet Snuggie at CVS the other day. WTF!

I wouldn’t have one on a leash though.
That’s just mean.
It’s much better just to hold them by their tail.
It’s more natural that way.
I wish my kids had a tail.

If I had a monkey, I’d teach it cool tricks.
“Fetch me the remote, Monkey.”
“Tie my shoes, Monkey.”
“Solve the middle-east peace problem, Monkey!”
“Take this camera in the girls’ locker room, Monkey”

If it disobeyed me, I’d spank it.

And since it’s Halloween, I’d take that little swinger trick-o-treatin’.

Monkey = best costume EVER

“Wow! That’s a very realistic costume you got there, little guy.”

Curious George is one of my all-time favorites.
Although, that man in yellow hat should have spanked that monkey a long time ago.

You know those monkeys are good workers too.
What’s that saying, “Monkey see, monkey do.”
He’d be seeing dishes and toilets and mops and dust at my house.

Did you ever see the SNL skit, “Sprockets” with Mike Myers?
It was the German talk show.
Dieter was his characters name.
He had a sweet monkey.
He was always asking the guests, “Would you like to touch my monkey?”
They would always say yes.
Then he would say, “Touch him! Touch my monkey! Love him!”
Then they would dance.

Yep, I love me some monkeys. Except sea monkeys. I still hate them.

Friday.......Ghostly Bit and Scary Pieces.

Happy H-ween!


It’s okay for Christmas to be X-mas, but Halloween can’t be H-ween?

That’s B-shit.

I’ve been working on my Nobel Peace Prize speech.
I figure I am totally qualified, since I don’t do anything.
So far I’ve got this……..ahem……”Thanks.”
If I wrote anymore, I might disqualify myself.

The wife found this for me this morning.

Police received a call Friday night that two men with hooded sweatshirts and painted faces had tried to break into a man's home in Carroll, Iowa.
When police stopped a vehicle matching the caller's description blocks away, they were stunned by the men's disguises.
There were no ski masks or stockings pulled over their heads; instead, Matthew Allan McNelly, 23, and Joey Lee Miller, 20, streaked their faces with permanent black marker.


Speaking of disguises,
Tomorrow, I think I’ll put up some pics of the boys in their Halloween costumes that I made for them.
Won’t that be exciting?!?!

I had a dream I saw the movie Paranormal Activity.
It sucked.
The movie, not the dream.
The dream was cool cause I was eating popcorn and Twizzlers. I love that stuff.

I saw where Taco Bell is giving away Free Black Tacos on Halloween.
That’s racially insensitive.
Everybody knows Mexicans don’t like blacks.

Besides, what are they trying to say?
Blacks can’t afford a Taco?
Oh wait……the ad says just the taco shell is black.
My bad.

Speaking of racially insensitive tacos,

Bob Griese was suspended by NASCAR for saying Juan Pablo Montoya was “out having a taco”.
Is that really insensitive?
Juan Montoya didn’t think so. He laughed about it and said he wished he WAS having some tacos.

I think society is TOO sensitive.
I mean, if he would have said that I was “out eating a hamburger”, or a Jewish person was “out having some lamb”, or Tiger Woods was “out having Stir-fry Watermelon”, would any of that be insensitive?
I think not.

More later…….stay tuned.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Thursday TMI: My own Dr. Frankenstein (the Halloween Edition)

It's that gross time again, thanks to Lilu.

Since it's almost Halloween, I have decided to tell something scary.
To me.
And about me.

In high school, a friend of mine was diagnosed with testicular cancer. It really rocked my world.
Everybody started talking about the importance of self exams.
This was not a problem, as I was pretty proficient with handling Big Ed and the twins.
The idea of finding a “lump” though, made me want to vomit Purina.

Flash forward several years.
In the shower, while cleaning the bait and tackle, I feel something. Something that’s not supposed to be there. Something that wasn’t there before.
Could I have had 3 testicles this whole time and not known?
Does this make me even more manly?
I immediately began to panic. My mind was racing through all the possibilities. None of them as good as Coconut Crème Pie. I love coconut crème pie. Now, I’m hungry.

But I’ve ditest--icle.


(I should mention, secretly, I’m a hypochondriac on the level of Howard Hugh.)

I start seeing surgery, chemo, radiation, death.
Every holiday becomes my last.
I don’t even own a bucket to kick, let alone, put a list in.
I can’t face it.
I think about ending it, but I’m a chicken in that regard too.

To make matters worse, this is all around the time of Lance Armstrong’s comeback from testicular cancer, and Tom Green’s episode played out for everybody on MTV. I was freaking out dancing around the whole time and could barely watch that.
Needless to say, that shit was everywhere. As far as I was concerned, there was some Testicular cancer virus in the air. Probably released by some man-hating women's group of scientists. (Or would that be scien-tits?)
I was seriously going loco over this. I had to get put on meds. I still refused to tell anybody for fear that my fate would be sealed if it was acknowledged.
Finally, I came up with a plan. I couldn’t stand the thought of separating the boys, but chemo and death seemed worse. So, I was going to do it myself. That’s right. I was now Dr.Wacko.
I figured, I had extensive medical training in the military, had assisted on many surgeries, and had even declawed a friends cat. How hard could it be? (TWSS)
I had access to all the supplies because of the clinic I worked at. So I brought home a surgical kit. Waited for a day when the wife was shopping with her mom, and then headed to my makeshift surgical suite…..i.e. bathroom.
I began prepping the area.
I taped Big Ed up to my stomach shoulder.
Shaved the fun bag.
Betadine the area.
Numbed everything up with Lidocaine (without epi….you don’t won’t epinephrine anywhere near your junk - less it should turn black and fall off)
While waiting for the numbing to take effect, I pulled out the suture kit, clamps, the q-tips with the silver stuff that stops bleeding, and the #11 scalpel.

I was just beginning to make an incision when FINALLY I thought,


Eventually, I told my wife what I almost did. She convinced me to see an actual doctor and even went with me. Turns out, it wasn’t cancer. Thank God.

It was some kind of cyst thingy, called a vericele or something. Evidently they are real common. The doctor told me that he had one too and even offered to let me feel, which I passed on. But the wife didn’t. Which seems kind of odd, now that I think about it.

Kidding, honey.

And to think that I almost threw out a perfectly good nut!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Wednesday....WYR, Whatnot, and Whatever

This Wednesday's Would You Rather is a special Halloween Edition, and therefore rendered in invisible ghost font.

Would You Rather?


Your choice. Take your time. Choose wisely. Your life depends on it.


Turns out "Happy Hump Day" is not an open invitation.
Sorry about that.
My bad.
Lesson learned.

In the Yahoo odd news today, some deathrow inmate in Florida says he's too fat to die.
Just how well are they feeding these guys?
Is he eating the other inmates?
And if he's that big, couldn't they just let nature take it's course?
He couldn't have that much longer.
(See, I didn't mention Travis once.)
Damn. FAIL.

Also in the odd news, a man on trial in San Diego threw feces at the jurors, but only after first smearing some on his defense lawyer.
I think he was saying something.
He also got sentenced to 31 years.
(insert shit jokes here)

Got me a new award from Think Tank Momma over there on the sidebar.
I'm still waiting on my version without the post-it notes.

The wife and I have been chatting a lot on Facebook.
In the evenings.
To each other.
While in the same room.
Seated five feet apart.
On different computers.
I think that says alot about our relationship.

Love you, Honey!

Dang, now we're doing it through blogger.


I was thinking about adding a new feature called Wordless Wednesdays.
It would go something like this:

(not to be confused with today's WYR post. That had invisible font.)

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Tuesday Quickies

Blog Followers: good, desirable, comforting
Car Followers: bad, scary, possibly FBI or an ex

Blog Stalkers: good, desirable, obsessed in a good way
General Stalkers: bad, scary, obsessed in a kill you way

Blog Voyeurs (aka anonymous followers): lazy
General Voyeurs: lazy

New item:

Tuesdays Train of Thoughts (warning: spelling & punctuation optional)

There was a party last week for a guy leaving to go to Afghanitaliban and a coworker sent out an email saying bring something to share, but I'm not a good sharer, so I ignored the email, but I went to eat something anyway, because I am a good eaterer. Then the coworker was like "Why didn't you bring something? Didn't you get my email", and I was like, "I don't check my email", and another coworker was like, "So did you get my email about that cookie dough you ordered being in the breakroom freezer?", and I was, "Yes, I did get that one", then the first coworker was all, "So you checked the email from her but not from me, huh?", and I was all, "You don't own me!". Don't send me boring emails that require my cooking is my point.
It's just like when I was leaving work yesterday and when I got outside, they had the sidewalk all torn up and the only way to my truck blocked off with caution tape and a big hole where the sidewalk used to be and the coworker was standing down there saying, "How are we supposed to get to our cars" and I said, "I'm going around that" and she was all, "You can't go around" and I was all, "Then I'm going through it" and she said, "That hole is too deep to go through it" and I was all, "Then I'm going over it" and she was all "How?" and I was like, "I'm Spiderman! I got mad skills" and then I ducked under the caution tape, jumped over the sidewalk hole, scaled the side of the building, fired a web at the crazy smoker dude that was telling me not to fall, but nothing came out (stupid webshooters!), then I ducked under the last caution tape. I didn't even bother to look back and laugh maniacally at the stranded coworker on the other side, but instead just headed off to my batmobile. Don't fence me in is all I'm saying.
If this style of rambling looks familiar, that's because I totally stole it from Kurt @ Monster Apathy. That's okay though, because I totally didn't ask permission because it would have required effort plus I am not opposed to taking something and making it better and calling it my own and that's basically what I did with our kids. Besides, Kurt doesn't read my stuff anyway because he is too busy finding new ways to not use punctuation. This style totally fits my brain and I read it without problems which screams WIN and therefore I'm considering doing all my posts this way but probably won't because I am a slave to punctuation and that makes me a grammar whore, but don't worry cause my rates are cheap.
This post is so off course I could pass it off as a NWA pilot. Speaking of asleep at the wheel, which is one of my favorite pass times, do you think the passengers got their ticket money refunded? I would have been pissed, but not as pissed as I would have been if the Air Force had actually shot the plane down. Then, I would have been literally hot. They would have lost my business for sure. Don't fly to Milwaukee is all I'm saying.

Moving on:
We took the family to a costume skating party last night. It was thrown by my oldest son's Orthodontist.
Think about it.
Talk about a cheap way to drum up repeat business.

The Ortho doc was dressed like Axel Rose, complete with leather pants. You don't just buy leather pants for a costume skating party. He's not fooling anybody.

Seems 80's chic is the big thing this year. There were a bunch of Madonna and Cindy Loppers running around last night.
Big hair, blue eye shadow, leg warmers, puffy skirts with tights, and lots of beads.
But that was just me.
You should have seen what everybody else was wearing.

I love character crossovers. Last night on Castle, dude totally comes out in his Firefly wardrobe. Says he's a space cowboy. His daughter says, "Dad, weren't you that like 5 yrs ago?" Classic.

Just like on Flash Forward awhile back. Joseph Fiennes character's wife calls him a "regular Shakespeare".....(i.e. Shakespeare in love.)

Or when John Cho's character is questioning that airport screener guy and he knocks over the bong and the guys like "That's not what you think it is" and John Cho says, "I know what a bong is."....i.e. Harold and Kumar go to White Castles.

Or in Roger Rabbit, when both Disney and Warner Brothers characters show up together......that is screen magic.

I got dirty money from CVS the other day. I think the cashier was trying to get it out of her drawer so it wouldn't contaminate the other bills. She gave me change in eight $1 bills. No five and three ones. EIGHT $1 bills. Come on.
Anyway, this was the dirtiest money I have ever seen. I'm not talking counterfeit dirty, or laundered dirty, or even stripper dirty. They looked like someone decided to clean up either blood or red paint with them. Then, decided they wanted red paint smeared on their butt, so they wiped their butt, and then lined their birdcage with them because their bird had bleeding hemorrhoids, and then decided they needed to pick up milk at CVS.
Only problem is, now I'm afraid to use them for fear of people thinking I'm "that" guy. At least the bills are crisp, so that's good.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Monday Memiors: This post has been edited for your sensitivities...

Travis says it's story time again.

I had a post that fit the theme, but unless you acted quickly, you missed it. Seems I offended my more sensitive readers (Moooooog35), which I normally wouldn't care about, but one in particular was the Censor missus. Since I am on thin ice at home already, I chose to delete it.

Head over to Travis' blog to see all the other stories.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Saturday......(just incase you weren't sure)

Changing stuff up for Halloween.

Don't be scared.

We'll still have fun.



Thursday, October 22, 2009

TMI Thursday: I could fill your pool.....

Lilu has evidently decreed it to be National Talk About Your Poop Day.

Since I hate being told what to do.....

I pee.

I pee long time.

Seriously, I could fill a pool. It's not that I have an enormous.......bladder. Or that I hold it too long. Or that I drink too much.

Okay, those are all probably lies.

But when I pee, it's like an opera with no Travis fat lady.

It's like those drinking fountains in school when the button gets stuck. Remember that?

Or like a urine dispenser that keeps dispensing urine and won't shut off and everybody is thinking "where does it keep coming from" and "why won't it stop" and "who even knew they made urine dispensers but now I totally want one cause I would be the only kid on the block with one and that would be cool."


But I digest...

It's not an enlarged prostate machine gun stop and start type of long problem.

More of just a running faucet.

Even Racehorses are like, "Damn dude!"

I have been in a crowded restroom, with lines at the urinals, and when I step up to the plate (plate in this instance being the white urine catcher on the wall), the bathroom will be completely empty before I step away.

Guys will walk up to the urinals next to me, do their thing, and leave. I'm still going. The line behind me empties. Maybe a few, "Jesus, man, how much longer?"

See, I just wait until I have to go. Then I relax and let it flow. Breath deep. The bladder wall is made of smooth muscle which is contracted during respiration. (don't say you never didn't learned nothing on the Funny Pages)......(Look honey, a triple negative! And you said it wasn't possible. Or said it shouldn't be. Same diff.)

I remember a time me and the dude I let bone my sister Brother-n-Law were on a road trip back from Chicago.
We had been drinking most of the day at an outdoor sporting event, and we finally got outside the city far enough that exiting the highway wouldn't require murdering other drivers.
We pulled off at a rest stop.
Entered the restroom.
And commenced the hose down of the wall furniture.
The B.I.L. finished and exited.
Came back in 5 mins later.
Left again.
Came back 5 mins after that to make sure I hadn't shriveled into a raisin.
Left again.
Somewhere around minute 18, he finally told me that if I didn't press stop, he was leaving.

There you have it. I'm like the Energizer Bunny of urine. Instead of beating a drum, I'm squeezing a bladder.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Wednesday.......WYR, Weird&Wacky Whatnot's

I totally murdered a fly last night.
It was giving me the evil eyes.
Gandhi would have been pissed.
He loved cows.
They have big eyes.

Would You Rather Wednesday----brought to you by the fine folks at Maxie Pad. (no, that's not an endorsement)

Would You Rather...

Moon a crowded train full of people, only to have the doors close on your pants as the train pulled away from the platform, thereby taking you for a wild half-naked ride down the tracks?


Be on the train being mooned, which is so crowded, your face is pressed against the door glass right next to train dudes naked ass? And to make matters worse, everyone on board is trying to get their phones out to take a picture of train dude stuck, but you know that means that your face pressed next to his ass will be all over the news and Internet, thereby making it look like you wanted to do that.

(It happened. Read the odd news on Yahoo, people!)

Funniest thing I read yesterday, then had to pray for forgiveness about, and then reread again and again and thought seriously about stealing but decided to link it was this
Make sure you read the comments by "Anonymous" and our good friend CK's Lunchbox.

I don't know who you are, "Anonymous" (and don't think I didn't Google Anonymous, cause I did and you don't want to know what I found but it wasn't you, I don't think), but that was some funny stuff.

My dog keeps chasing and biting her tail.
Have you ever tried that?
I have.
She doesn't like it.
She refuses to hold still.
Stupid dog.

The Bees have been trying to get in to the house like dead people to a cemetery.
They sense the cold coming.

Slow cold death outside, or quick squish death inside.
The end result is the same.

Cause everybody knows, you can't let them inside.
If you do, they eat all the honey and leave their stingers lying around everywhere and hog the remote.
And there goes the neighborhive.

The holidays are approaching, and that means one thing.
HIDE the old peoples dentures!
Then sit back and enjoy watching them gum the peanut brittle.
Old people can't resist that stuff, even without their teeth.
It's like hard crack for toothless babies.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Tuesday Quickies...

Dear Steve Irwin,

I meant to do that!

The Stingray

While reading Snow White to my sweet baby last night, I realized something. That book is basically about Prince Charming's necrophiliac tendencies.

You are sick, sick man, Mr. Walt Disney..........And frozen.

Dear Michael Jackson,

Beat it!

Yours Truly,

Remember Care Bears?
I guess they're making a come back.
I'm thinking of creating one named "Who". Maybe it could have a "?" on it's belly.
I've also started answering the rhetorical question "Who Cares?", with........."Evidently bears."

I hit 70 followers over the weekend. Now I am back to 68. That's a much better golf score than 70. Thanks leavers.

Dear Children,

Stop murdering me!
First, you cut my face, then tear out my guts!
And to finish me off, you smash my head on the ground!
This has got to stop!

Pumpkin (a.k.a. Jack)

Monday, October 19, 2009

Memoir Funday: My dreams of being Scott Hamilton (minus the nut cancer)

Travis wants another story, so here goes:

I grew up in Indiana, home of the cold. Yes, we get some warm summers, but we also get an extra helping of the cold and snow to make up for the nice weather those bastards in the southern states enjoy most of the year.

Even though we get all this snow and cold weather, there aren't too many bodies of water around here to try Ice Skating. We have a few creeks and a river, but nothing good enough to perfect my triple axle back-somersault with a triple sow-cow layout.

One cold winter morn, while playing in the snow with my neighbor, this deficiency was lamented.

See, we weren't happy just building snow forts and snowmen and having snowball fights and pushing littler kids faces in the snow. No, we had bigger dreams. Olympic size dreams.

My neighbor, being all of 14 to my 10, came up with a brilliant idea.

My parents had bought us one of those 24' circular x 4' deep above ground pools a few years prior. And since it cost a fortune to have the firetruck come out and fill it up, they left it mostly full in the winter.


Above Ground Ice Rink.

We quickly agreed that this was the most AWESOME idea ever, and headed for the ladder.

There was some sadness at the fact that we were without the proper footwear, but we decided that our boots would have to suffice.

As is turns out, above ground pools don't make great ice rinks.

Seems that when you add the weight of the water and ice, along with the weight of 2 Pre-teen boys jumping and sliding and spinning, that the flimsy vinyl walls will buckle like the knees of an intern on the Late Show.

Our glorious ice rink instantly turned into a giant backyard slip-n-slide.

We became two popsicles.

My mom almost became Dick Cheney when she found out.

Good Times.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Fridays Funnies....

I've got pneumonia. Yay me!
Or Bronchitis.
The nurse practitioner wasn't exactly sure which it was, but decided to treat both.
I guess X-rays were beyond her scope of training.
Of course, the wife knew all along. She has been telling me for two weeks to go to the doctor.
I guess her Elementary Education Degree came with an honorary MD.

Interesting fact: Fosters may actually be Australian for Beer.
Seems they have a history for naming things incorrectly. According to my 10 yr old animal expert and his library book, when the first Australian settlers inquired about the strange animals hopping around the landscape to the local Aborigine people, they were told Kangaroo.
Unfortunately, Kangaroo in the native Aboriginal language means, "I don't understand your question."
Next time you're at your local zoo, make sure to check out the I don't understand your questions and their little Joeys......(which probably means "lazy free-loader").

So, yesterday, I planned to go for a ride in this silver homemade balloon to see if I could spot some over-weight ex-Ralph Lauren models.
But instead, I just hid in the garage attic until Rush Limbaugh decided not to buy the Rams.
Turns out, that was a big waste of time. The group buying the Rams had already decided that Rush wouldn't play well with others. I hear now they are looking to add Don Imus to their group.

If I was a potato, could I make my own fries?
How would that work?
Would anyone even want those fries?
Could I eat them myself, or would that be a form of self-cannibalism?
Is there a form of fries that comes from the couch variety? Cause I have a lock on that already.
Come to think of it, there is. Occasionally, I will find some fries in between the cushions.
Although, those don't taste all that good.

Remember to spay and neuter your children.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

TMI Thursday: Amy G is back!

Sorry I am late getting this posted. I forgot to tell Amy to send this to my home e-mail, and since I can't access my Facebook mail from work, I'm just now getting it up. (TWSS)

Moving on........

It's TMI Thursday again, according to that queen of all things gross and disgusting, Lilu.

Back by popular demand, I give you Amy G and her Salon Stories.


In honor of the upcoming Halloween holiday, I thought I would get in the spirit by telling some short tales from the time when I worked in the salon industry. (I was a cosmetologist before I was a belly dancer.)

In any area of customer service, you are going to encounter some unsavory folks-the rude customers, people who have body odor, and so on and so forth. Sometimes, can go a hit beyond that. Here are some of my memories, I mean nightmares, from being a salon manager in the 90's:

~There was a regular customer, a really nice looking man by the way, who came in and used the tanning bed a few times per week. He was always courteous, polite, and a model customer. One day, however, he didn't quite shut the door all the way-it was open maybe an inch or so. When the bed turned on and the ultravoilet glow started emerging from the cracked door-it caught my attention. I got up from the front desk, and went to quietly close the door. When I got to the door, what did I see? Tube socks. TUBE SOCKS WITH STRIPES. This man was laying completely naked in the tanning bed, except for his knee high tube socks with the blue and yellow 1980's P.E. teacher stripes. It is really saying something when you see a handsome naked man...and you aren't looking at, well, you know. From then on out, all I could think of when he came in to tan was what interesting tan lines he must have.

~Being one of the salon managers, it was my duty to stay after closing and prepare the bank deposit, and to make sure everything was clean and in order for the next morning. One night after closing, I went in to clean the tanning beds, stock the towels in the rooms, and empty the trash cans. To my disgusted surprise, one of the clients that evening had apparently "had to go" during that eternally long time (20 minutes) that they were in the tanning bed. Guess what? They used the trash can as a commode. I wonder what they used for toilet paper.

~Sometimes, complete strangers have no trouble at all giving everyone around them TMI. The salon I worked at accepted appointments as well as walk ins. One time I accepted a walk in client, and she seemed like a very lovely young woman. We discussed how she wanted her hair cut, we went back to the shampoo bowl together-and things were going rather well. We returned to my station, and I began her haircut, as her husband sat in the waiting area. We were having nice small talk, when suddenly she says to me, "My husband and I have an open relationship". She goes on to tell me that they live a "swinging" lifestyle. I try to smile and nod, and maintain as my co-workers alernately go back to the breakroom and laugh their arses off. She then proceeds to tell me that they swing, but that they are actually looking for a special lady to live with them...if you catch my drift. I am thinking to myself, is this woman just giving me TMI, or am I being recruited???!!!!! As soon as this woman and her husband coworkers all fell into heaps of laughter on the floor. For about a week I couldn't walk by any of them without hearing comments like "Bow chicky wow wow!"

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Wednesday.....the real post

The Weird:

Make sure you check out Yahoo's Odd News Today. There's some good stories in there.


Some old lady called the cops because thieves stole her marijuana plants.
Some poor school girl lost her fingers in an art project gone array.
A Dead dude was nominated to serve on some panel in Alabama.
Some wacko was busted for sleeping with a corpse in a closet.
Some old ladies got in a fight over a cat in Georgia.

The best by far comes from Portland, OR. This guy went all Martin Lawrence-naked-in-the-freeway crazy and not only beat his girlfriend but then knifed her fish. Serious mental issues. Evidently, the girl wanted to get one of the memorial Tattoos of the fish, and make him pay for it, but the judge said nope. Seems he wasn't the only one with issues.
Go check it out, if nothing else, then to see this dudes Mug shot.

Wednesday Would You Rather:

Be the poor sap Michael Jordan flew out for his Hall Of Fame speech only to publicly humiliate?


Be the runner up for the Nobel Peace Prize and loose to someone not even nominated?

The Wacky:

I love wacky names. You know what I'm talking about. The kind that when you hear them, you think, "Those parents should be shot. Then ran over. Then shot again. Then buried for a week, only to be dug up and shot again!"...........over kill?

I saw where Oklahoma's basketball team has a guy named "Tiny Gallon".
His parents must have been fans of Little House on the Prairie.

There used to be a baseball player in the 40's or 50's whose name was "Happy Fellow".
Seriously, look it up.

We've all heard "Dick Butts"....or...."Harry Butts"........or....."Nice Butt"...(No? that one must just be me).

My mom used to work for an insurance company, and she had lots of good names of customers. The one I remember her saying most was "Herb Erb III (the Third)".

I see lots of good names at work, but sadly won't be sharing them with you. (HIPAA)

All this brings me to this......

Story Time:

gather round kids......

As you know by now, I was in the Navy. The Navy's enlisted ranks start as follows:
Seaman Recruit
Seaman Apprentice
Petty Officer Third Class
blah, blah, blah

Some people went in with advanced rank because of college or ROTC or signing up friends or sexual favors to the recruiter or whatever.

I had a friend who was in ROTC and came in as an E-3 named Richard Poole.

When we were in Corpsmen School, we had an instructor that was very.........Metro.........err..........Flamboyantly..........err...........village peoplely..........err.........."Don't ask Don't tell" protected, named Petty Officer Flannigan. (There may be future posts on this wonderful character, so stay tuned)

Anyway, Flannigan spoke with a queer, I mean, lisp. He loved calling out people who weren't paying attention to see if they had the answer.

It never failed to put the class into hysterics (the cause of which was totally oblivious to Flannigan), when he would, in his feminine lispy tone say:

Seaman Rich Poole!


I need to get something off my chest.

Besides this stupid Manzzier.

I DO work for our government. I also have a blog. This does not mean all I do at work is blog. I get breaks and lunch, just like every other employed person not working in an Indian Sweatshop making the latest Sean John/P Diddy fashions.
And, since I don't smoke, I blog during my breaks.
We are ALLOWED to use the Internet for personal use, during such time (except for gambling, porn, facebook.......Stupid rules).
However, often I will do my posting from home on lunch.
When I do post, it takes about 10-15 mins to do so, as I plan it out before hand.
Often, I am so busy at work, not only do I post at home, but I will have to wait until after work to read other peoples stuff and leave comments. Sucks right?
Regardless, your tax dollars are NOT being wasted by me. Maybe by the smokers who spend 30 mins on a 15 min break, or by the guy who spends 2 hrs everyday just walking around to other offices and BSing with everybody, but not me.

This being said.........

I received my first request to do a product endorsement yesterday. It was from a very nice lady and a very nice company offering me X if I would review their product X on my blog.

I replied, "Sorry. I don't do products."

You will not see ads on the Funny Pages, as long as I have control of that feature.

Nor will you see me hawking products (a la Cheesecake, Nuggs, whoever.....I still love you guys).

I am almost positive, these would be frowned on at work. Something about "using taxpayer resources for profit making" or some such. Stupid laws.

Also, I would imagine that someone could claim it was a perk or a freebie or directly linked to my position here in government. That, also, would be a FAIL.

If you see me promoting something on the Funnies, it will only be something I have purchased and think kicks so much ass that I had to share it with you.

Now, I know there are those who do this for money, or maybe that is just an added benefit.
There's nothing wrong with that. I say GO FOR IT!
God has blessed me and my family, in such, that I do this merely for enjoyment. Both mine and hopefully yours. I never intended for this to be a money maker.
It honestly helps my sanity and keeps me from going postal.

Unfortunately though, all these regulations means that you won't find me discussing politics on the Funnies, either
This really bites.
Do you know how much material from politics I have to eat?
Hell, I can't even run for public office. Which I know is a serious blow to those of you who've been begging me to.

All this being said:

If I WAS going to do product placement, it wouldn't for coffee mugs or free makeup or free donuts.

I'm thinking more like:

Ferrari...........................Call Me Mr. Ferrari.

Gold....................I'm not sure this would be a company endorsement, but I could always use some. Hey, it worked for Hammer and Ed McMahon.

Spaceshuttles...................It's not like NASA is going to be using them for much longer anyway. They would look really cool in my yard.

Tropical Islands........There's a bunch out there. I'm not picky.

Mormons......................You know they've got tons of cash. Plus, extra wives! (which may or may not be a good thing)

Breaks over. More this afternoon, maybe.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Tuesdays Quickies......

You are all officially invited to the Pig Roast.

Actually, it's a comedy roast for my favorite piggy. Travis had his 100th post today, and we're roasting his bacon good.

Come on over! There's PLENTY to go around.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Mondays are Fundays.........and Memoir Mondays....I guess

No Funnies Today in honor of that Patron Saint of Government Holidays...Chris Columbus.

Without his foresight and determination to seek out and discover lands that were already discovered and occupied, I would be forced to write this post from my usual perch at the VA.

However, since I am part Cherokee, not only do I feel conflicted in my enjoyment of this day off, but I feel the strong need to tell you all to...... "Get off my lands!"

I failed once again to post the Saturday Snippets, partly because I wanted to leave up that important link to Ron's post, but mostly cause I was practicing my stick figures for the Pictionary/Win-Lose-Or-Draw party.

My TEAM won!

Suck it Alison! It's not my fault I got words like Percent (%), Dog, and Earth; while you played with Granny (whose idea of a nut was a circle with a line through it) and Grandma MJ (Alzheimer's......for real....."I forget what I'm drawing").

You lose!

In other news, I almost hit a possum....opossum.......epossum......(How you spell that Kim Duhn?......and don't say D.I.N.N.E.R. again).......while riding the golf cart the other night.

I had to lock up the brakes so hard that Foxy (see dog in About Me pic).....(She's the one wearing brown fur) got thrown onto the floor board.

Did I mention Alison's team lost Pictionary?

Ahhh....YES! Second place is First Loser!

Anyway, so I was talking with Alison's husband, J.T., the other day. (J.T. is my all-time best friend, who I was nice enough to let Alison marry, thereby making him also my brother-in-law.)

You remember him, don't you.

So, he's over in Afghanistan fighting for your country and other important stuff like that, and we're talking about the Funny pages. And he reminds me of some of the other crazy stuff we did when we were younger.

Which leads me to Travis' Memoir Monday thingy.

Here goes:
I had some dirt bikes when I was younger. Before I got my license. One was a Yamaha 100 Enduro. It was a trail & street bike (basically a dirt bike with lights and turn signals)

I also had this girlfriend at the time who was older than me and lived in the next town over. Her parents were real strict, but I was crazy about this chick.

Given her strong love of The Backstreet Boys and a fondness for making out in cemeteries, I'm not exactly sure why, but it must have been because she was older and could drive.

Regardless, on this particular weekend occasion, she was grounded.

Since J.T. happened to be staying all night, I convinced him to sneak out with me and to go see her. As only one dirt bike was working, this meant J.T. would be riding Bitch. He agreed as long as I let him sit extra close and lay his head on my shoulder.

We got my dirt bike all set up outside my window with a full tank of gas, and waited until my parents were asleep. Then we quietly made our way out the window and began pushing the dirt bike over the railroad tracks behind the house and down the street, so as not to wake anyone up when starting it.

About a block from the house, just as I was about to kick start the bike, we noticed headlights coming towards us. Since we were approaching a small crossing over a creek, we immediately jumped off and down into the ravine in an attempt to allude capture. We failed, however, to take the time to contemplate the Laws of Physics, which given the slope of decent, the speed of our entry, the weight of the motorcycle, etc.....well, J.T. more or less got ran over by the motorcycle, but saved it from going into the creek.

However, the driver must have witnessed our haphazard exit, and decided to stop on the bridge to see if we were alive.

They must have sat there for 5 mins, with the driver peering down into the bushes, while J.T. struggled to hold the motorcycle that was lying on his shoulder.....Me, oh, I was doing important stuff like laughing at J.T.

Eventually, the driver leaves, we J.T. heaves the bike back up the hill, and we take off.

We stick to the side streets and go without lights until we get in the country.

Finally, we reach her trailer park neighborhood. She's waiting for me in the little playground area. I reward J.T. for his efforts by letting him ride around on my motorcycle while I handle my bidniz. (<-----that's a total lie. I didn't even get a kiss. WTF)

The moral of my story....Don't attempt something stupid unless you have someone bigger than you to help you pull it off AND keep your back warm on the long ride.

P.S. You Suck at Pictionary, Alison! Ha!

Friday, October 9, 2009

Fridays Funnies.......

I usually don't mention the crazy stuff my kids say and do.....Partly because the wife is protective of our cubs....and I keep hoping she'll put them in her blog......but I had a special request for some kid stuff from Tricia.....(go check her out...she's funny)

So here goes:

I'm changing my little 15 mth old baby girl's diaper the other night. She's kicking her legs like crazy and catches me in the balls......*PAIN*......*NO breathing*....*stomach cramps*......Then, the baby says......"OWIE"...(translation...ouch/that hurts).

I said, "OWIE?! YOU'RE TELLING ME OWIE! That was MY balls you kicked."

Then my 10 year old, who is sitting in the next room says this, "Maybe they hurt her foot?"

That's right baby! Daddy's got balls of steel!

I finally fixed our bed last night. Sadly it's not from what you may think. I do, afterall, have three small kids at home. And I work all day only to come home to those three kids and a very tired/stressed out/lovely wife. Plus, I'm almost 35......and honestly, more and more I just want to relax and watch TV.
No, see this issue is because the frame is cheap. It was spreading apart and letting the mattress & box springs drop. But just on one side, so it was like sleeping on a street in San Fransisco, minus the drag queens.


after having to raise it back up several times, only to have it drop again (or better yet......having the wife walk into the bedroom to go to sleep, while I would be sitting up watching the living room magicstorybox.....and then hear.....BOOM!...followed by my wifes "Ugh!")I finally got out the hammer.

A couple of well placed whacks, and that did it. Then, the first thing I did was say what any man who's just completed a minute task that his wife has been nagging at his lazy butt for weeks to fix but thinks he has just completed the Cistine Chapel says........"There. It's done.".....only I follow mine up with this gem.."TRY it out."

In mid bed PLOP, my wife says, "Why am I always trying stuff out for you?"


See, what you don't, and I didn't, realize is how often I say this to the wife.

Here's a classic example:

Remember I told you we used to live up north on a lake. <----(go there if not)
Well, we had use of a boat up there. It was a really big and old pontoon boat. This was great, because living on a lake without boat access SUCKS. Also, now we were able to motor out to the sandbar about 100 yrds off the beach that everyone parked and partied at. I'm talking 10 or more boats with grills, music, swimming, throwing a ball around, just acting crazy.

So we head out, get to the sandbar, drop anchor, and realize there's no way to get back INTO the boat if we get out. It had no ladder. I mean, yeah, the water on the bar was only 1 to 3 feet deep, as opposed to the lake's normal 15-35 feet deep. But the deck of a pontoon boat sits up off the water pretty high.

Me, being a GENIUS of unsurpassed ability and a former sailor, decide I will make a rope ladder out this old rope that's onboard. So I get to work cutting and knot-tying with my lovely trusting wife looking on.

I made a ladder. It looked like this.

I secured it to the side of boat.

What did I say then?.......That's right!....

"There. It's done. TRY it out!"

My lovely wife began her decent, when my invention did this:

My wife did this:



Did I mention that even though the air temp was in the 80's.....the water temp was maybe 50.

Did I also mention that I worked in a HOSPITAL in the Navy.....AND...... I WASN'T with the rest of the GROUP when they taught KNOT TYING in boot camp.

My Bad.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

TMI Thursday: Amy G's First Time....

It's that time again for TMI, according to LiLu.

Today, I present to you my first ever guest poster, Amy G.

Amy and I went to high school together. (yes I went.......occasionally)
Anyway, she follows my funny pages and loves TMI Thursdays. Since she begged & pleaded asked nicely if she could guest post sometime, and I have hit a TMI wall, that sometime is NOW.

So, without further ado......

Everything below this point is solely Amy G. I take no blame for views, opinions, language, spelling, weather, or other offensive things. I will, however, take credit for any laughing it generates.)

My first TMI Thursday post:


Okay, we'll start with a back-story. I am recently divorced (finalized in April) and my ex husband and I were together for 11 years. In that 11 year time period he gave me some wonderful memories such as:

~He once depantsed me in front of an open picture window (that faces the street) at night, while my hands were wet doing the dishes, making the process of getting my pants back up slower.

~The time I was enjoying a hot shower and he went into the utility room and shut off the hot water from the source.

~His favorite game of farting in the vehicle, and as soon as the smell started to emerge, he would suddenly hit the power windows and roll down MY window, so that it furiously sucked the offending odor towards me. (I have to admit, that was pretty good.)

What you have to understand, is that I have LITTLE TOLERANCE for this kind of crap. I have an insanely bad temper-I am an Irish-Scottish redhead who is also a Scorpio. If you don't know what that combination means...well, just ask any of my exes.

Anyhow, one day about 5 years ago, I was living up north near Fort Wayne, in the cute 3 bedroom ranch that we had there. I was enjoying some alone time, sitting in the tub with some Bath & Body Works and relaxing, and then IN WALKS THE EX. He decides that since I am naked, wet, and basically CORNERED-that it would be an opportune time to do something to me...and I don't mean in a GOOD way!

So I am sitting in the tub, and I see him coming. I start yelling at him to get out, and he is laughing maniacally like he only does when he is tormenting someone. I am helpless. He comes close to the bathtub, stands over me, and suddenly turns around, and passes gas in my direction. I am yelling and punching his legs with my fists, and getting really ticked off. Instead of leaving, however, he decides to take things up a notch. He undoes his pants, and proceeds to MOON ME at close proximity. (For a quick second here, think about the placement of all individuals involved...and where his arse would be in relation to my face.) He is mooning, laughing, and farting with wild abandon, and then it happens. guessed correctly.

He must have squeezed out one fart too many, because suddenly a small piece of feces plopped out of him, landing onto the edge of the tub, missing me and my bathwater by about one inch.

We were both in hysterics-he was laughing so hard he had tears in his eyes and sounded like a hyena as he ran out the door. I took on the persona of Yosemite Sam, complete with gibberish replacing swear words and the red color rising from my feet until smoke blew from my ears. I can't tell you everything that I said and did to him after this event, because the trauma caused me to block much of it out. ;)

(Did I mention that we are now divorced?)

Thanks Amy!

Let's give Amy a hand. And some disinfectant.

Wednesday.....Winner, Weird News, WYR, & Whatnot

Did you even notice I posted 4 times yesterday?

It was like I was trying to force my funny to return......Like one of those Jon Benet parents who keeps shoving their poor ugly little kid up on stage, thinking that if they just keep competing, eventually they'll win.....And maybe someday become Donald Trumps next plaything.

Oh! I forgot to mention one of my Funny Award winners (Foul Sally) yesterday. <----see yesterdays post about me being an ass.

Weird News....

So yesterday, I watched Zombieland. It was pretty funny. Don't know if it was as good as Shawn of the Dead or the Army of Darkness movies, but it was good.
Anyway, looky what I found when I came in this morning:

LEAD STORY: Based on models of rampant infectious diseases, say researchers, civilization would be doomed if we were ever attacked by zombies.

(I threw that in for all the Zombie fans......Narm, Jay, Shine, Travis, and whoever else I missed)
Quick question....which if better Zombies or Bacon? ........And would your answer change if I was talking about Rob Zombie and Kevin Bacon?

Now for my WYR (Would You Rather).....dang! I wish I hadn't already wasted that one on Zombies, it would sooo go here.

Would you rather:

Die a violent and very painful, but somewhat quick death.....a la Nick Berg beheading with a dull pocket knife?


After suffering a long drawn out illness.......a la Patrick Swayzee or Ted Kennedy?

Ok, both of those are sick and terrible, but I was trying to stay with the whole Zombies it's almost Halloween theme.

On that note:

So, we have been trying to do Family Devotions around our house. I know, I said I wouldn't get preachy on here, but just wait you heathen.
Anyway, the devotions consist of us sitting around, usually after dinner, with the kids and reading from this Family Devotions book. It usually starts with some scripture verses, a story to apply the verses to everyday life, some insightful questions, a memory verse, and then we close with a prayer.
Ok, so on this particular day in question, the story part had to do with bullying. My 10 yr old was reading the story, and the wife & I were just partially paying attention, when we hear our son say the main character's name is "Ho".
That got our attention, cause we thought he was mispronouncing it. He kept saying, "Ho said this" and "they called Ho that." Then we realized the character was Asian, and not a working girl or a promiscuous teenage slut.
Eventually, the other kids in the story started bullying "Ho" by calling her "slant-eyed"........That was it!....I felt my filter slipping.......I couldn't handle it........I blurted out "SLANT-EYED HOE! HA!"...............Totally ruin devotion time........The wife and I were cracking up. The kids didn't get it (thankfully).

Today's trivia question:

I'm thinking of a letter between 1 and 10.......what time is it?

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Tuesday......The late late version......(Beware)

I'm pissed!
The Google/Blogger/Spellchecker guy is effing with me.
See, I am meticulous about spelling. I read, re-read, and proof read all my posts and comments.
Any spelling "errors" I make are usually intentional for comedic purposes only. (I totally just gave away one of my secrets in my heightened emotional state. I bet that's how the masked magician got started down the wrong path)...I digress


Lately, I have noticed errors in my published comments and posts..........OCD Right?
Regardless of opinions about my mental health, this really boils my walnuts.
It's like the little Blogger/Google/Spellchecker nerd is secretly trying to make me look like a tard. I'm assuming he got pissed about all the names I call him, or about my cockiness (which is totally justified when you're my kind of awesome).
Dude keeps changing my finished product! That's wrong!
He's switching my "your" to "you're", or vise versa. Or worse yet, just making them "you" instead.
.....It's like I picked DUMBASS as my type font.
Mind you, those are merely just examples of the editing treachery he's done.
I will find you wee little man. Oh, I will find you.
You may think I sound like Mel Gibson in Conspiracy Theory....or Will Smith in Enemy of the State......but we all know how those turned out.
They were right.
As am I.

Let's see how cute you are after I shove a can of alphabet soup up your Backspace.

Tuesdays Quickies........the late edition



I'm an Ass. :O <--fake shocked face

Yep. (_*_) That's me. I'm the guy who says what no one else will because he doesn't care what people think.

My family calls it mean. Bunch of whiners is all they are.

Others call me an ass......I don't mind.........I've heard it so many times, I've embraced it........I'm thinking of having shirts made.........On the front, they'll say........."ASS".......on the back....."YES I AM".......Or maybe they'll just have a big picture of a Butt.........I wonder if they're available in turd brown.

And the crowd says, "No! Say it isn't soooo!"

I can dream can't I.

Hopefully you've made your way around and visited the winners of my funny award. Who ,I might add, just love the new nicknames I've given them. So, make sure to call them by it.

Remember I told you about my fondness for Yahoo's Odd News?

It was right after that part where you said you wanted know....and I said I would but only if.......remember? Wait, maybe that was somebody else....Anyway....

I can't make up stuff this good. Check out some of today's headlines:

Police: Pa. woman put stolen check in church plate

Biting pupil pried from Ohio teacher's arm

Md. driving lesson ends with minivan in bedroom

Neb. woman accused of throwing dog at officer

Police: Pa. man nabbed for DUI used brother's ID

Irish school asks pupils to bring own toilet roll

Bra which doubles as gas mask wins whacky Ig Nobel

There's Darwin Award winners in there, I can just feel it.

P.S. Some people missed out on my Funny Award because of minor technicalities. These people are in the running for my Almost Funny Award. Second place is first losers.

Tuesday's Quickies cont......

.................................I got nothing......................I'm still getting over my sickness.......................It's seriously effecting my funny......................................I blew my nose so hard yesterday that my ears popped and I got really that normal?..................pretty sure I blew a gasket or something..............BLANK................PAUSE..................Nope, nothing...........


This weekend, I passed out my first ever funny awards.........The judging was very close, the criteria was very stringent, and the winners were notified by e-mail........If you got one, you know who you are............If you didn't get one, don't whine like a baby.......

Go check out my winners and see what you think. You can get your funny from them today.
BONUS POINTS if you can find my funny award on their site and tell me who's displaying it proudly.

The Winners: (in no particular order known by you)

1. Duck Lady
2. Superman
3. The Inbred
4. Biggie Funs
5. Mr. WhoAmI
6. Tiny Smalls
7. The Dirty Dancer

Their identities have been disguised to protect the guilty......You'll just have to click on them to find out who they really are.

Seven winners.....................Coincidence?......................I think not.......

I have no idea what that means.

It's random.

Tuesday's Quickies........

A few years back, Dr. A and FNP Mike wanted to take me to Hooters for my birthday. While deciding the logistics of getting there, FNP Mike suggested we try the new Hooters that just opened in South Bend. Although the Merrellville Hooters was closer, for some reason we agreed to this. Dr. A and I followed FNP Mike to South Bend.......After spending what seemed like two hours driving around in the car, Mike leads us into the parking lot of a restaurant.....One problem.......The sign says HONKERS!.........Mike apologized for the mix-up and we went inside anyway.........I think we were just curious to see if all the waitresses had really big noses.

When I was in Corpsman School in the Navy at Great Lakes, I would often eat lunch in this shaded courtyard behind the school. It had lots of really big trees and picnic tables and wildlife. In fact, there was one squirrel who would come right up to you for food. We nicknamed him Skittles, cause he loved them. I could actually get Skittles to climb up my leg to take cheesy-peanut butter crackers that I held at waist level. Awhile after I had finished school, I found out someone had killed Skittles......He must have tried the leg thing with them.....They probably thought he was going for their nuts.

Stupid news stories are everywhere. I love checking the Odd News section on Yahoo. Sometimes, it's just the newspeople that make the stories stupid.
Just last night a news promo came on and the lady said this:
"A Women was mulled to death by a bear. Tonight we'll talk about that lady's relationship to the bear!".....................I'm not tuning in for that........I know.....Her relationship was his lunch.

There was also the time a local paper ran a sublime story about something they thought was news worthy. It quickly became national news when the main source quoted was identified as a Mr. Jack Meoff.....How this passed the editor isn't clear, but the female reporter who quoted Mr. Meoff numerous times in the story was eventually let go.

My all time favorite.....Probably the one I heard that went something like this...(Yes, this was an actual news story from a few years back, but I don't remember if I read it or heard it on the radio, so suck it)......"A UPS driver noticed a strange bundle near the road while driving his route. He stopped to investigate and realized someone had thrown out a roll of carpet along the road. However, the carpet had the strong smell of death, so he called the police. Upon examination and unrolling of the carpet, it was found to contain a headless body. Police are still trying to determine the identity of the victim, and (here's the kicker) the coroner's office hasn't determined a cause of death."................I'm not a doctor........but wouldn't the whole lack-of-a-head thing play a part in that?

Just sayin'

More later.......hopefully funnier too....

Monday, October 5, 2009

Monday's are Funday's.........(cough)

I was sick all weekend (THANKS BABY!), so I never got around to posting Saturday Snippets....

Too Bad!

They're optional!

Did I mention my sweet & precious 15 mth old baby gave me her nasty straight-from-the-depths-of-hell cold?

So, my weekend consisted of me sneezing, cough, and laying around.

I did make it out of the house on Saturday to accompany the family to the Mississinewa Battle of 1812 re-enactment thingy.........What can I say......The smell of black powder from the canons and musket guns, mingled with the aroma of meat pies cooked over wood fires, sprinkled with the stinch of the port-o-pots used by a thousand strangers........Thank God (AND THE BABY!) that my olfactory sense had left town for the weekend.........Also, seeing all those people in period dress, I realized I was the coolest person there.........We got flashed by some dancing dude in a kilt......FYI Kilt Dude: Cold Weather and Commando Kilt Wearing don't earn you brownie points with the ladies..(shrinkage)...Just sayin'...Of course, wearing a kilt is basically like wearing a dress, so maybe you weren't out to impress the LADIES...........I practically died 3 times while pushing the stroller up a hill (DOUBLE THANKS BABY!) times!

Sunday was COLTS day!.......I had the pleasure of taking my mom to the Colts vs. Seahawks game........Colts won!......I almost died 3 times from all the walking and steps (THANKS AGAIN BABY!).......Still had fun, despite the whole not being able to breath thing......


It was Breast Cancer Awareness Day around the NFL.

Now....I'm not much of a "boob" man....I'm mean yeah, they're great and all......But, unless you're an infant, they're kind of useless.....However, I'm not much of an ear man either, but that doesn't mean I want to see people walking around all Van Gogh-like......So, I support this cause......It's important.....It saves womens lives.......I like women......I know a few........They are nice people.......They look good with their boobs........

If you watched any NFL coverage at all this weekend, you had to have seen all the pink....They were handing out the ribbons as we entered the stadium.....The players had pink shoes, or pink wristbands, or armbands, or towels, or pink patches on their uniforms.......kind of like Suicidebomber Barbie blew herself up in their locker room.

The cheerleader's were of course wearing pink shirts......But I got to thinking.......Wouldn't it raise more Breast Cancer awareness if they just went topless?..........I mentioned this idea to the guy in the seat next to me....He seemed in favor of the idea.........Then I thought, maybe they could even have some breast cancer survivors join them for some cheers........topless......sort of a before and after.........They could have raised millions!

Save the Taa-taas!

(Disclaimer: If you didn't find this post funny, I'm pretty sure it's because I sneezed out or coughed up my funny this weekend. If you find it on the ground covered in a sticky green goo, FOR GODSAKES DON'T TOUCH IT!, but call me.)

Friday, October 2, 2009

Friday Funnies....

Make sure you go over and meet Travis' lovely bride. She's featured in his post titled Meet The Missus.

Now that I got that shameless plug out of the way.......

So, turns out my mother-in-law has been reading the Funnies. After all these years, she just NOW decided I was funny.......I wonder if that means there's hope that someday my wife will too...........In fact, the mother-in-law even gave me permission to use her and her family as comedic fodder......Most son-in-laws would jump all over that.....But not I.
See, even though her family is pretty dysfunctional and filled with odd's not all that's actually kind of sad..............Plus, I prefer to make fun of her in person.

There's also that little thing about being married to her daughter.......

I think my baby has given me her head cold.........If she wasn't so cute (and if her mother wouldn't kill me), she might have woken up in a basket on some stranger's porch today.
Thank God for Benadryl & Pseudophed............However, thanks to the Meth heads, it's easier to buy Meth than it is Pseudophed.....Stupid Meth Heads!.....Always buying or stealing the good pseudophed so that now it's behind the pharmacy counter. Then I have to go back there, because you DON'T want that new fake pseudophed on the shelf cause it works as good as rabbit pellets, and show my license to the Pharmacist while having them wonder if I'm using it to make Meth, and be told that I can only buy so much a week..........This is why I laugh when a Meth head blows themselves up in some motel lab......Ha!.......More pseudophed for me, yeah!

I found a new ant mound in the yard by the house yesterday. I hate ants!...They're right beneath spiders and bees, but before flies, on my squish list.....Anyway, I'm out of Bug I grab the only things I had handy.....Tilex and Windex.....I poured that on those little bastages dirt-house...............I figure, anything with an "X" in it's name is BADASS!

My mom has now sided with my wife in proclaiming my posts mean......Thanks mom!.......Now I know why dad left!..............(kidding)

Okay.......story time

If there was one episode in my life that I could go back and change........The only one that comes to mind is my marriage proposal.......I mean yeah, I could go back and change other things, like the time I shoved our oldest boy's head in his plate of ketchup. He may have cried, but I thought it was HILARIOUS!.......Or maybe I would have never started chewing, but then I would have just been rich with great dental hygiene, and who honestly wants that?..........No, it would be my marriage proposal.
At that time, I was in the Navy stationed in Memphis, TN and working in a hospital at a Navy airbase. My wife, who was my High School sweetheart, had come down there for college to be near me....I had known she was "the one" since we first met, and had even given her a promise ring....While we were in Memphis, we went ring shopping and picked out a really cool Trio set (I paid for hers, she paid for know...the one I lost)....Anyway, her set came with this tiny little diamond, which I just wasn't happy with. So I went to a diamond sale at Zales, and picked out a really nice Pear-cut loose diamond that was almost perfect in the 4 C's, and was almost a half carrot. It cost me over $1800 (in 1995 dollars), but let's face it.....I was in the and eating on basically, my entire checks were beer money.....I would just cut back on the partying for a couple months and the stone would be paid for. I had it mounted on her set, which took about six-weeks cause jewelers are nothing, if not slow thieves....
Then, I started planning the moment....I mean, yeah, she knew it was coming, but not when or how.....And she knew I was gonna make it a big event, cause that's how I roll.......So I get it all laid out....Nice dinner at a fancy restaurant in Memphis, followed by flowers and a carriage ride through downtown, where I would pop the question while we sipped on champagne....Perfect right?.......WRONG!
This is how it happened.......weeks had past......A real good friend and fellow sailor was getting married and we were to be in the wedding.....It was a very lovely outdoor redneck-like occasion (afterall, we were on the border between Tennessee & Arkansas....which was where the bride was from). Anyway, we head back to their apartment on base for the reception....There's beer......Lot's of beer....For some reason, I called the jewelry store to check on the ring. IT WAS FINALLY DONE! I was like a kid on Christmas morning. I convinced the new groom to take me right then to get it. After we got back, I found myself out back sitting on some steps with the new bride talking about my pending engagement and showing off the ring. She tells me I should ask my lady then and there. You know, love was in the air, weddings were the theme, it all makes sense (especially when you're pretty drunk)......I was a bit hesitant, cause I had a grand plan. But, I also pride myself on being spontaneous.....That was it....I was going to do it.......The bride said I should get my lady away from everyone else and just do it......GREAT!...but where....we were in a base apartment that was full of drunk wedding people (except my soon-to-be wife....<---tea-totaller). The only place I could go was upstairs.....I invited her upstairs...She said "No", cause she was suspicious.....So I go upstairs to the bathroom to stratemagize.....I start to panic....I yell "Liz! Come up here!" She says, "No!"....I can hear the bride and others goading her to come up......I say, "PLEASE!".....She says, "WHY!".......I'm at a loss......I can't propose from the other room.....So I yell the first thing that comes to my tiny mind........."I NEED YOUR HELP".......and then........"MY ZIPPER'S STUCK!"..........yep........that was me(<-----loser).........
She comes up finally, and I get on one knee and do it right there in an upstairs bathroom of a military base apartment..........No carriage ride....No flowers......No fancy dinner........ She was reluctant to say yes, but did so cause she probably thought that if she said something other than yes, I might never ask again..........which would probably have been a good thing for her, but still.
Oh boy, was she pissed though......Believe that.......In fact, for the longest time afterwards, and still occasionally, when I would ask for her help on something she would say,........"What's the matter? Is your zipper stuck?!"

Open wound. Pour in salt.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

TMI Thursday: She got more than she paid for....

Alright TMI'ers. It's that time again, according to LiLu. If you're new to TMI Thursday's, pop over there with that link and check out all that other sick, twisted, or embarrassing stuff.

Since I wasted a perfectly good TMI story yesterday, I'm going to make this one quick.

Also, because I am hitting a TMI mental block, and because She asked me and she doesn't have a blog of her own, Amy G. will be a guest TMI poster in the next few Thursday's. Hopefully.
Amy G. is a friend and old classmate of mine who assures me she has some funny TMI's to share. Hopefully.
I'll be back if Amy chicken out, or when my mental fog clears.


I don't remember the specifics.......if I was there.......if it was a story that was told to me by a physician I worked for.........but I remember that it DID happen.....and IS true........

Old lady.....probably late 80's......early 90's brought in by her family because she has been having burning with urination........Sounds simple..........UTI, right?............WRONG!.........Doc starts reviewing symptoms with granny...........Turns out she has also been having vaginal discharge........not normal for a postmenopausal woman of her advanced age......especially since it was pusy drainage.....(That's PUS.....just one S......Pervs)......anyway, doc does exam......runs tests........becomes very confused because grandma's not sexually active..........but sure enough, Grandma's got the Clap!.....How did this sweet old lady get Gonorrhea, you ask?......Good question......That was everybody elses question too.......She was widowed......lived at home......wasn't raped..........
Turns out Grandma had been shopping with some friends and picked up something she was told was a muscle massager, which she found other uses for...........Did I mention they were Rummage Shopping?......

Moral of the story.........Don't buy second-hand Vibrators........but if you least wash them before you use them.


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