Monday, August 31, 2009

Funday part doux........<-----that's French

If I wasn't such a lazy _______________(starts with Ba and kinda rhymes with mustard), I might try cutting the grass tonight.....I don't mean "MOW", I mean "CUT"....With scissors......just to see how long it would take....And because I saw an old guy doing it once, and his yard looked AWESOME!......I've cut mine with a weedeater before, but who hasn't done that?......However, I have never had the knee stamina to try it with scissors.................Better yet, maybe I could get that old guy to cut my grass.....I could bribe him with Metamucil and Geritol.....Then, I would be allowing him to provide an useful important public service, and he wouldn't feel like such a drain on society.......Yeah! Just think, if we could get all the lazy old people to start working again, we could put all the Mexicans out of work, and then they'd have to go back to selling Tacos.........Wait! What? Too stereotypical?.......................I keeed, I keeed.

Nah, I HEART old people...........And Mexicans............................................just not old Mexicans.

I love America! That's random, but true.

I'm thinking about having an "End of Summer" cookout.......probably sometime this Fall or Winter....I think I'll invite some friends, since that's usually what normal people do at such things, and I like to pretend I'm normal........But just my cool friends.....cause otherwise, that would suck.....Who wants to eat burgers and dogs with a bunch of LAME-O's......So, if you're cool and you're my friend, expect to get an invite.......If not, do I really need to spell it out?


Here goes another joyously climatic exuberance-filled Monday............(really it sucks, but at least it's going fast).

I almost had a wreck today as I swerved to miss a dog that walked out in front of me. Poor thing. I'm pretty sure it was being pushed out into the street by this guy with glasses and a cane who was holding onto it's little back-harness thingy....I hate when people are mean to animals like that.....I pulled over, hoped out, and said, "Hey, Michael Vick! You think pushing that dog in front of me was funny?!"....Then I grabbed his wimpy cane thingy and beat that blank stare off his face.....PETA would have been so proud of me.

Stay tuned.............Funday ain't over yet..............(yeah, that's right! I said, "ain't". How you like me English now?!)

*as an aside* That reminds me of an old joke. This college English professor was giving a lecture on the proper use of Grammar. He said, "Although it is not always proper, a double negative can make a positive statement. However, a double positive will never equal a negative statement." Just then, from the back of the lecture hall someone shouted, "Yeah, right!"

Hey, I didn't say it was a good joke, only that it was old.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Stupid Things I've Done........and Censorship is from the Devil.....

I am starting a new feature on my blog called Stupid Things I've Done. I have to give credit to my homey, Travis over at I Like To Fish, for the idea. Not that he actually gave me the idea, cause that would have required him to actually READ my blog.....Ahem!*clears throat*.....You might say his blog inspired me to share some of my own less than stellar achievements. Like the TMI thing, regrettably I have done plenty of stupid stuff. (Does waking up this morning count?) What better way to keep my ego in check than to share these stories with you. Anyway, go check out Travis and I'll work on getting some stories up soon.

If you noticed some of my blog posts missing, you are not imagining things. If you didn't noticed, forget I said anything, Mr. or Mrs. Unobservant.

Also, if you have any suggestions or comments about the Funny Pages, regarding layout/appearance/content, I would like to hear it...........Complaints can be kept to yourself, thank you.

Friday, August 28, 2009

A short quick funny........(not me, the post)

Okay, so today is my bosses Birthday. Actually, she is my bosses boss, but anyway. They wanted everyone to come down to her office and say Happy Birthday! I usually hate that crap and try to avoid it, but like Jim Gaffigan says, "There's cake".."Well, maybe I outta go say Hello".
So I get down there, and as usual, it's only white cake (sucks). But, it did have the whipped icing, which makes even white cake taste edible.......... So, I am feeling kinda goofy, and I say, "I love this whipped icing! Oh, and it's the scented kind too!"..........I hope you see where this is going....Yep....She, the big boss lady (actually she's quite slim) who is seated at her fancy desk in front of said Birthday Cake, says...."Really?!?!" And leans down to get a whiff. I hesitate, but realizing what a great opportunity it is, I figure---What the hay!....I push down on the back of her head. Everyone in the room goes, "GASPS!" Boss lady comes up laughing, and clean as a whistle. She says, "Ed, you are so funny! That would have been classic, but the cake box saved me." ......STUPID BOX!........p.s. if you ever try this, remove cake from box first or wait for cake to be on plate and use the underhand/uppercut-to-the-plate method......Anyway, seems hitting her face on the edge of the box didn't have the desired effect, but I had to try. If her nose was anywhere close to being as big as mine, she would soooo have cake boogers right now. Happy Birthday lady who can fire me!

Maybe more later.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

TMI Thursdays and stuff.........

Okay, so one of the blog people I follow (LiLu) does this thing on Thursday's where you share some TMI with your readers. I was debating on whether to try this or not for several reasons. Not because I don't have an over abundance of TMI stories, because I do. Gobs, and Gobs, and Gobs......*that's fun to say and type*. It would be like......if my life was a factory......and TMI stories were it's product.........well, it would be one of those 3rd world China or India factories where they mass produce all those fake Gucci handbags and the workers are all kids making $0.10 a day for 16 hours of work. Okay, I have no friggin idea what that means either. I just know that if there was anything I have ever been accused of, which there has been a lot (all wrongly I might add---YOU FRIGGIN BASTAGES), it was never that I gave Too Little Information. Now, where was I? Oh yeah, the reason I debated doing TMI Thursdays is: 1)I don't now if I have the cajones to share my stories with you, and 2) if I could do it and still keep my blog sorta "Family-Friendly".
Anyway, I'll try one this time.
After I returned home from the Navy, I spent some time working as a CNA in a Nursing Home. Now, there's a blog in itself. However, this one particular day, I had to go in and help another CNA lift her old lady resident off the toilet. The resident wasn't a big lady.....I'd say....medium grandma. Anyway, her CNA was a teeny-tiny thing, and this grandma didn't stand so good. So, Tiny is on one side of grandma, I'm on the other. We got one hand under her arms, and one hand on grandma's "lift belt". We go on 1,2,3. Just as we're getting grandma into a standing position, we both see the efforts of the old lady's labor. We can't help but laugh. In the john is the biggest friggin turd either of us had ever seen. It was like a child's arm! It should have been saved for the Smithsonian or something. I'm talking "so-huge-it-can't-be-from-a-human" big!
Grandma is even laughing. I'm like, "Holy CRAPCAKE Grandma! I bet you feel better now!" Tiny was like, "No wonder you were working so hard!" Grandma was like, "That's big!" Anyway, during our hysteria, we dropped poor grandma, who landed back on the john kinda hard. But she didn't care, cause she was laughing too.
Later, I go back in to flush. Guess what doesn't want to leave. Scratch that, maybe it did want to leave. I should say, guess what was too big to flush. I tried sending it to turd heaven 3 times. It wouldn't go. I actually had to take a plunger and break it up into pieces to get it down. Fun times!

Oh yeah, one of my bloggy buddies (the chicken nugget lady)let me know that my comments aren't working. I'm a serious tard! I'll try getting that fixed.

I might post again later today, so check back.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

"Did you hurt your back?"

I used to get this question all the time. It drove me nutty. I seriously would feel like running out and murdering a couple of kittens, and then scalping an old lady just for good measure. It doesn't bother me much anymore. Thanks Prozac!

What is wrong with my back, you ask? (Okay, maybe you don't care, but that was my clever lead-in and I'm gonna tell you anyway) ...I have Ankylosing Spondylitis.

Spell check just loves when I do that. "Screw You, Spell Check! I know it's right!" Does anybody else argue with Spell Check, or is it just me? Sometimes I would really like to get some "cage time" with ole Spell Check. Or maybe just the little geek who programs it. I bet his last name is Websters, or Britannica.

Anyway, A.S. is this weird form of arthritis. Or, more specifically, "Degenerative Rheumatoid Arthritis of the spine, occurring mostly in 1 or 100,000 white males between the ages of 15-35. It begins fusing the sacroiliac joint and moves it's way up the spine. It can effect the rib cage and neck. Can also cause heart and lung disease, iritis-(inflammation of the colored part of the eye), inflamed bowls, and can effect other joints. Patients can suffer depression, insomnia, decreased range of motion and loss of flexibility, pain, and stiffness."

There is no cure, only treatment with NSAIDs (Ibuprofen type drugs-which screw up your digestion system over time....i.e. ulcers, intestinal bleeds, etc) and exercise. In fact, when you are first diagnosed, they tell you how important it is to exercise because the main fusion part takes place in the first 10 years, and exercise will decrease the number of effected joints. BUT, seeing how that is also when you're in the most amount of pain, exercising doesn't seem all that appealing.

Seeing how I was a Navy Sailor at the time, I believe I said something like, "Eff that, it hurts too much." Yes, it is true that sailors talk bad. Sorry MOM! They actually teach you curse words in basic training. With God's help, I am working hard to break my old habits, but I am not one of the Fundamentalist Christians who believe you are going to Hell because you let one fly when you smashed your finger with a hammer. Anyway, I'll save that rant for another blog entry........stay effing tuned.

So, now my back just looks funny. I hate how my profile in pictures or the mirror looks. I mean, straight on, I'm a sexy beast! But from the side, I'm grandpa Ed.
My back doesn't hurt much anymore, though. Maybe it does and I've just built up a tolerance to it. The only time I notice it is when the weather changes. Which, after all these years, I am finally getting good at predicting rain. I can usually tell how full of crap the weatherman is by how my back feels. Maybe I should moonlight for the local news. Really though, it's just the appearance thing now. People think I'm a lot older than I really am....."You're what? 40..........ish?" Then I say, "What the crapcake, I'm only 34!" They'll say, "Oh sorry. I was thinking more like 46. Must be cause your back."

It's cool though, cause sometimes I get out of stuff. People rarely ask me to help them move things. "I didn't want you to hurt your back." And I'm like, "That's cool, cause I didn't want to move your crap anyway." Hurt my back? It's practically one solid bone. You can't hurt it like you hurt your back. My discs are encased in bone, they are not slipping anywhere. I mean yeah, the chances of me getting my spine snapped in a car wreck and dying are pretty good, but so are yours.

Anyway, there you have it. My Gymnastic days are over. No more Olympic dreams, unless Special Olympics count, which we all know they really don't.
Don't feel sorry for me.....unless I want you to, then that's okay. But I definitely don't want to hear about how bad your back hurts. Quit being a wuss!


Monday, August 24, 2009


Continuing my efforts to make Mondays into Fundays...............

Silliest Thing Said To Me Today:

Coworker: "What did I just come down here to ask you?"

I answered, "I don't know, otherwise you wouldn't have had to."

I could have said, "If I had that kind of power, I wouldn't be working here.", or "Didn't your asking me that, just qualify as the answer?" or even, "Maybe you lost it on the way here. Retrace your steps back to your office, and if you find it, call me."

My blogging has become so regular that now my wife thinks she can predict them. Something will happen remotely funny and she'll say, "Or great! That's going to make your blog!". Just yesterday, I said something that amused myself (which is usually the case), and she said, "That's going in your blog." ........NOPE........I showed her.....I made it my Facebook status...........Screw You, WOMEN'S INTUITION!

You can't predict me.....I'm unpredictable....I'm spontaneous......I'm....they don't even have a word for it, but if they did, it would be something like Hugelinormous Awesomenessest.

I missed work Friday. Remember it was my office mate's 68th birthday. Well, today he gives me HIS birthday card to sign, since I wasn't here...................Can you even do that?................."Here, sign my card!".............I put the following:

Happy Birthday You Old Fart! I'm constantly amazed that you're still upright and breathing!


Skipped church yesterday to sleep in. Now I feel like I'm going to Hell, but at least I'm well rested.

I really want to tell you what my Facebook post was, but that would just prove the wife right, and I ain't having none of that.

A friend asked if the people at the soccer game ever figured out who I was. Nope. I'm still just that awkward guy at the soccer game who knew too much about their family, as far as they are concerned.

Remember to eat cheese.

See, honey! That was totally random. That's how I roll, baby.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Anonymous Aquaintainces and Memorable Birthdays

They say the good thing and the bad thing about living in a small town is that everybody knows everybody. That's not always the case, as I learned today. While attending the boys soccer game, I saw some people I recognized. Assuming they would know me because it's a small town, and because my ego IS that big, I went down to say Hello. These folks were very polite, as they had always been. See, I had been to their house probably 100 times while growing up. I went to school, played sports, and attended various functions with both their kids. So, imagine my surprise when after talking to them for about 10 minutes, they asked me who I was. Now, it wasn't that outright at first. It started by, "And how do you know the boys again?"I realized then that I had just approached people I hadn't seen in over 15 years, and I never told them who I was. Still not wanting to believe I had changed in appearance that much, I immediately chalked it up to their being old. I began recounting how I used to go to school with their kids, played on the same sports teams all through childhood, had been to their house a bunch, they to mine a bunch. They still had no idea, as they asked, "Huh! What was your name again?", which after I told them, they began repeating it over and over with different inflection, like they were expecting the magic lightbulb to turn on. I was tempted to remind them of the time I was arrested with their youngest son, but I wasn't sure that would be my best choice at rekindling fond memories of yesteryear. I gave them a pass, since they obviously weren't going to be asking for my autograph anytime soon.
On the way home, I remembered another story that might have jarred loose the cobwebs of time. I should have told them about the time their oldest puked on his brand new cowboy boots during my 10th birthday. That was classic.
See, I always had memorable birthday parties. Not because of something I got, but because of the chaos that ensued. My birthday is very near to Christmas. If your one of those people, you know what I mean. It usually sucks. All your holiday eggs are in one basket time of year. What with the cold weather, the combination presents............"Here! This is for your birthday AND Christmas!" OH GREAT! SCREWED AGAIN THIS YEAR!.......and not to mention this all happens during Flu season....Wait....I am going to mention that, cause it's the main point of this story.
Let me start by giving props to my mom. I know she's reading this because that's what mom's I send it to her. My mom was always trying to make my birthdays special so it wouldn't just be another part of Christmas, and because I'm her "baby". Anyway, on this particular year, mom was an EXTRA trouper!
It was my big 10th year (I think). She had it all planned out. We would head to McDonald's with a bunch of my friends, before hitting the Arcade and the Movies. Everything started according to plan. We went around and started picking up the guys. It wasn't until we were headed to Marion that it became apparent something wasn't right..... Now, I'm sure mom will disagree with some of the details, but she isn't writing this, I am and this is how I remember it....... Several times along the way, mom had to exit the road so someone in my entourage could exit the vehicle to revisit their lunch. Most parents would have realized the time they were headed for, and immediately turned around. Not mom, God bless her. We trudged on. Eventually we mad it to McDonald's, and everything seems okay. We got our food, and began eating. That's when the toilet Olympics started. Or, the bathroom sprints, if you will. Somebody was always coming or going. A couple people christened the floor. I have one fond memory of a 3 man dash to the restroom. It was neck and neck for awhile, but upon entering the narrow hallway that led back to the restroom, the leader decided to reach his finish line early. The hallway became a giant vomit slip and slide. I was trailing and quickly went into a hard brake. The poor sap in the middle had no chance. Down he went, sliding through the yuck, all the way to the bathroom door. I don't have to mention how much the employees of said McDonald's loved us. If Ronald himself had been there, he probably would have cussed my mom out.
Feeling that the worst was surely over, mom loaded us up and headed for the arcade. I don't remember anyone getting sick there, but kids were starting to drop like flies, as mom had began contacting parents per specific kids' requests. Finally, the few that were still left made it to the movies. An let's just say, the theatre staff were cleaning up more than popcorn that night. It was during the show that said cowboy boots were ruined.
Remember to get your Flu shot.........and stay away from December birthday parties.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I Can't Fix Stupid......

I have become a regular Mr.Fix-it. My kids always tell me I can fix anything. I must admit, I have gotten better at repairing things. Sometimes I even surprise myself. Some of that may just be having 3 kids to clean up after. But I think it is more than that. It's not just repairs anymore, but projects as a whole. Did this ability come from God? Is it an experience thing? Maybe I have more patience the older I get. I am not sure, but I think it's a combination of all of them. Currently, I am in the middle of refinishing our family's little red wagon. You know the kind.....says "Radio Flyer" on the side. It started out as a present from my wife's grandparents for our oldest, who is now 10. After years of use, and being stored occasionally outside, it had become quite rusted. Now, the baby has taking a liking to the wagon. The problem occurs when she climbs into the rusted wagon and magically transforms into a giant Cheetos. The rusty dust colors her orange from head to toe. Per my wife's request, refinishing it has become my new project.
I still remember when I couldn't even fix a sandwich, let alone a broken child's toy. Now, they line up at the Toy Hospital (by the Microwave) waiting to see the Fixer. I have turned into the old man from Toy Story who sows Woody's arm back on. Yep, I have come a long way from the kid who used to constantly take thing apart only to realize there was no way of ever putting them back together. I broke more things than I'll ever probably fix. But, at least I am at the fixing stage of my life now that my stuff is more expensive.
I remember my dad always fixing stuff, usually stuff I had broken. Mainly, he fixed cars though. He could do anything. Now, he pays to have stuff done for him. I wonder if I'll get to that stage next. I remember when he was fixing stuff, my job was to hand him tools. That's all I was trusted to do, and the only time I was allowed to touch "the tools". After my wife suggested that the boys help me refinish the wagon, I suddenly realized why Dad made me the tool-hander-only guy. The thought of working with the boys on this almost drove me insane. I could just see it........The rust wouldn't get sanded off completely......Paint would be on everything BUT the wagon, including themselves......and they would have each lost and destroyed something in the process. Part of me wanted to have them help, cause I know that's the only way they'll ever learn, but the SMARTER part of me wanted to get the job done RIGHT.
Case in point.....the wife had left last night to attend a PTO meeting. Immediately after dinner, as I was cleaning up the baby........who was wearing more than she was eating, the boys decided to start fighting. I warned them repeatedly to calm down, but they kept at it, albeit quietly for a brief second. I see the older one run bye, then I hear a loud, "CRACK!" Then another, "Crack!" It begins to register in my brain that something is amiss. Then I hear another louder, "Crack!". I turn around to see the 5 yr old using the baby gate, which had fallen on the floor, as a trampoline. This is our only baby gate. It's the one we use to keep our busy little curly top out of the kitchen. It keeps her from playing in the stove, the chemicals under the sink, eating the dog's food, or choking on refrigerator magnets. I begin freaking out. "Sammy! What are you doing?! You just broke that gate! What were you thinking?!" He said, "I didn't know that would happen". I said, "What did you think was gonna happen if you repeatedly jumped up and down on it?" Then I said, "Gee, I wonder what will happen if I go into your room and start bashing your toys with my hammer! You think they'll break?!" I wasn't about to do this though, cause I knew who would be fixing them. I said, "You think I'm mad? You wait till you're mom gets home and you tell her what you did. She counts on that gate when she's here all day with your sister and trying to get stuff done."
Then, almost in unison, both boys said, "You can just fix it, can't you?!" That's when I uttered the title of this blog. It sounds cruel, but it's honest. I could never fix my own.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Melancholy Mondays and My Lack of Funniness...

Monday's are long days,
and not very fun days.
They're far from bright and cheery,
and rather quite boring and dreary.
As Monday approaches,
I picture being eaten by roaches.

Maybe it is their name,
that causes me my pain.
And yet I am determined,
to rid myself of this burden.
I vow from this day and on,
to make Mondays more fun!

I think I'll start with a change,
where it needs it most---It's name.
Monday will now be known as Funday,
work will be optional and filled with play.
I'll also add a poem about the day,
Although I have no idea what to say.

How about this, I hate Mondays.....
Cause they suck! Just like my Poem.

Friday, August 14, 2009

MMA........why do I love you so? Shall I count the ways?

MMA (Mixed Martial Arts).........
I am sure there are many reasons why I enjoy watching this combat sport. The main reason is probably due to my naturally high levels of testosterone that comes with being a guy. I think it is more than just that though.
Have you ever seen a fight? I'm not talking an MMA fight. I mean any fight? Remember in school, kids would start shoving each other, someone would yell "Fight!", and people would come running from everywhere. Before long, the two shovers were rolling around in a ring made of curious bodies. People are just drawn to fights. Not all people, I realize, but a lot.....The Roman Colosseum had all those seats for a reason.
I used to wrestle in school, and I was pretty decent. Plus, I took Karate for awhile. So the sport of MMA appeals to me on those levels as well. I appreciate the hard work that the fighters put into perfecting their skills and craft. Plus, many have great backstories, which are capitalized on by their respective promotions, just like the networks do during the Olympics.
I think some of it appeals to my inner child, as well. I remember "play fighting" with imaginary opponents when I was a kid. I see my oldest do this now. Which I have to say, his doing it, always drive me crazy.....Partly because he always chooses to do this in public, so it looks like he is "special" or has some form of bodily Turrets.....I always did my imaginary fights when I was alone...........Anyway, I used to wonder, what would happen if Bruce Lee fought Mohammed Ali?...Or how long would Hulk Hogan last against a ninja?......Impossible matchups, based on style. MMA gives us that.......or at least used to. Now it is becoming it's own style, which is a combination of mainly boxing, wrestling, Jujitsu, and Muay Tai. But, there are still other practitioners in the sport. A Karate Champion here, or a Judo Champion there.
Granted, when the sport first started, it was basically Human Cockfighting. Big guys fighting little guys, usually until one of them could no longer continue. It has since evolved into a regulated sport. There are rules, weight classes, divisions, referees, athletic sanctioning commissions, and ringside doctors. The fight is usually stopped by the referee as soon as it becomes one-sided, or a fighter "taps out" or quits. Most states have now legalized it, and it has even been shown on network TV during primetime.
The only real bad thing to come out of it's increased popularity is that every Joe Shmoe thinks he's a cage fighter. Every guy thinks he has what it takes to enter the cage, but few rarely actually do have it. That doesn't stop all the wanna-be's.........kind of like when Rocky came out, and all these little white guys thought they could go out and kick the big black guys butt on the street. After coming to, they realized that it was just a movie........yep, now everybody is a cage fighter.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Questions that shouldn't be asked......

Do you think they said the blessing before they drank the cool aide at Jonestown?

Do Vegetarians taste like celery?

Is it wrong to feed a cow hamburgers?

If all drains lead to the ocean, why does seafood taste so good?

How exactly does a girl rape a guy?.......How is that possible?

What do chickens think things taste like?

Where do drug dealers go when they retire?.........Do they push Viagra at that nursing home?

If you hit a animal that's in the street, isn't that a form of assisted suicide?

If you steal a bible from church, is that a REALLY BIG sin, or just a form of self evangelism?

Why are some people so ugly?.............Why does everyone think of someone else when they read that question?

Is body odor really necessary?

Do you think morticians ever find anything cool in people's pockets?

Do you think dogs get as tired of sniffing butts as we do of shaking hands?..........Do you think people sniffing butts will ever catch on?

If is wrong to ask someone who's recently lost a loved one, where was the last place they looked for them?

Do you think the guy who cleans up at the adult cinema enjoys his job?

Does the five second rule only apply when you drop something, or when you see someone else drop something?......Do you take seconds off if they dropped it from their mouth?

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

More Bazaarly Unanswerable Questions From A Curious Mind

Ever wonder what life would be like if Eve hadn't eaten the apple?....Would we all be nudists?

They say it was an apple, but we don't really know. If it was though, why an apple? Why not something else?....I think Adam may have had a better chance of resistance if it had been something like Grapefruit....I hate Grapefruit.....If it was me, and Eve offered me some Grapefruit, I'd have been like, "No thank you!".......Then again, she was naked....She probably could have gotten him to eat a poo sandwich.

Why does bottle water cost as much as soft drinks? Aren't they taking credit for someone else's creation?.........Can bottle air be far behind?

They say cats always land on their feet....What if the cat has no feet?.....What if the cat's feet/paws are tied together, a five pound weight is strapped to their back, a parachute is secured to their stomachs, and they are dropped from an airplane?.......I hate cats.

Everybody is worried about the price of oil. There is a big push for alternative fuels and sources of energy. Everything is going "green". I recently read where scientists are working to find crops that produce more sugars than corn, which is currently the main source for ethanol production. I'm not a scientist, but isn't that plant called sugarcane?.......There goes the price of candy bars.
.....And, if I paint my car green, wouldn't it technically be consider a green vehicle?......Wouldn't I then qualify for a tax credit?

They say too much of anything is bad for you.......Does that include advice?

Ever shake hands with someone and wonder when the last time they washed their hands was?.... You will now.

Ever see whiteout on something and wonder what's underneath? What could have been so bad that someone tried to blot out it's entire existence?......Ever think about scrapping it off to have a look?...Let me save you the trouble, there's nothing under there but a hole in the paper.

Ever notice that stores are always out of the size you're looking for? If that size is so popular, why do they even waste time making the other ones?....That's probably where they came up with the idea for "one-size fits all".....But what if the one-size doesn't fit all?.....Is there a product called "One-size fits all except you"?

Maybe I ask too many questions.

Monday, August 10, 2009

What defines a definition????

What defines a definition?

How do you tell when a Shrimp becomes a Jumbo Shrimp? Isn't it still just a shrimp?

If "AIN'T" ain't a word, how come I can spell it, write it, and use it in a sentence?

Is it really GOOD, just because it says Smucker's on the label? Smucker's doesn't sound so good to me. It sounds too much like Shmuck.........Shmucker's some, you idiot.

Why do some people have more friends online than in real life? Is their typing that much prettier to look at? Are they just nicer with their fingers than their mouths?.....moving on....

Why do hairs that you pluck, wax, laser, and cut grow back; while hairs that you wash, brush, or comb fall out? Maybe women should brush under their arms, and guys should wax their scalps.

Why is it called a children's book if YOU have to read it to them? "Tonight, Daddy is going to read you the magical story titled HOW TO HANG DRYWALL, which was written by Bob Veelah. It goes: Once upon a time, in This Old House, there was a man wearing flannel............."

This one isn't mine, but it's good: Why do store bought cookies start out hard and get soft when they go stale; but homemade cookies start out soft, and get hard when they are stale?

Why do some people spend so much time talking, when they should be spending more time thinking first? After all, don't they get tired of the taste of their shoes?

What happens to your burp or fart after it comes out? I mean, after it finds your neighbors ears and nose.

Why do Mondays take so long, while Saturdays go so quick? Shouldn't we work Saturday and have Monday off then? I guess that would make Thursday "hump day", which would totally throw off my TV schedule, so never mind.

If LOL means Laughs Out Loud, does that mean CKQ means Chuckles Kinda Quietly?
What would the abbreviation for "Amused Silent Smirk" be then? And why is Abbreviation so freaking long?

Should the phrase "Open Ended Question" really just mean you forgot your question mark?
If a question mark could ask a question, would it be "Who am I" or "Why do I look this way"? If I was one, that's what I would ask.

If a bird flies, it's call Graceful, but if I do it, it's called Falling.

Why do women spend so much time "getting ready"? Are they leaving the atmosphere? NASA preps the shuttle quicker. And why does she say she is "putting her face on"? What the heck was the thing she was wearing when she went in there? Maybe that's why it takes so long, she's having surgery. "Putting her face on"? Really? Who's in there helping, Jim Henson and George Lucas? Shouldn't she look different when she comes out, besides a little makeup? Maybe have a third eye, mouth on forehead, or an upside down nose.

I am done for today. I took a little time away from blogging to give my brain and readers a rest, but I'll probably be back tomorrow with more unanswered questions.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Global Warming...........SWEET!

Don't get me wrong, I care about our planet. I do my part to help by recycling, not littering, buying goods made from recycled stuff, trying to reuse things, driving moderately fuel-efficient vehicles, etc. My electric Golf Cart gets GREAT mpg!
Still, global warming doesn't sound to bad. I mean, yeah, if you're a polar bear it's a bummer, but I'm not. I live in a colder part of the United States. The winters cause my joints to hurt. I prefer nice weather. I say, a little global warming could be a good thing! It's the perfect solution to my problem, as I always wanted to live in the tropics, I just didn't want to move there.
Think about it. Older people wouldn't have to head south in the winter anymore. Places like Florida would then have more room to put all the illegal immigrants that flood our shores. See, Global Warming could fix the immigration and overcrowding problems. Maybe California could even send some of their illegals to Florida, which would then help free up the strain on California's budget and get them out of the red.
They say that Global Warming effects other stuff, like more severe storms and such. That's too bad, if you live in areas effected by hurricanes and rising sea-levels, which I don't. So bring it on baby! I mean, we have tornadoes occasionally, but not like they do in Kansas, Nebraska, Oklahoma, or Iowa. Plus, that's only really a concern if you live in a trailer, as we all know those things are magnets for tornadoes. I live in a mostly brick house, so huff & puff away Mr. Wolf!
Supposedly, Global Warming has already caused the temperature to rise a little. I haven't noticed. In fact, this summer has been cooler than most, and last winter was just as cold as ever. Maybe it's just been warmer around Al Gore's house. He seems the only one running around with the "THE END IS NEAR" signs right now. I bet he lives on the coast....below sea a trailer.
I really don't trust him anyway. He's the same guy who claimed he "won" the popular election for the Presidency. Well, the Supreme Court called his bluff on that. I'm gonna call his bluff on the Global Warming thing, but I'll still recycle.
That's too bad though, I wish he was right. I think my area could use a little warming up. He should have made that his campaign promise, "Vote for Me! I'll CAUSE Global Warming!".....I would have voted for him.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

I am Seriously hardly ever Serious.........Seriously!

I spend most of my awake hours, which is about 21 each day, in a constant state of jest. It's how I make it though life. Everything is funny to me. If it's not, then I make it so. Maybe I am just walking around in a sleep deprived drunken state. Kind of like when an aged boxer is said to be "punch drunk", except mine doesn't come from being hit too much in the head. It's from my head not hitting the pillow enough.
Truth be told, rarely do I say anything I mean seriously. Usually, I will say or do things purely for the reaction they get. I form of SHOCK comedy, if you will. Not that I want attention. That's not it in the least. I mainly just want to make other people happy, smile, and feel good. Just so happens that I might sometimes have to make fun of them to achieve that.
See, when I can make someone else forget about their problems and stop taking everything so seriously, even if it's just temporarily, that's when I feel good. I get enjoyment from other peoples enjoyment. It's the same reason I will forward a funny e-mail. Just to know that I brought a smile or chuckle to someone who was so tightly wrapped in their own world and issues, that makes my day. The more messed up they are, the better their laughing makes me feel. "Laugh, you little homeless one-legged midget orphan, Laugh!" Brah, Ha, ha!
Granted, I may have issues myself. I have been called mean, a smarta**, insensitive, a jerk, and many other fitting names. However, the way I see it, just because your grandma died, that doesn't mean you can't laugh. Okay, maybe positioning her hand to give the casket viewers the finger was a little in poor taste. But, seeing your mom shoot water out of her nose when she saw her dead mom flying the bird, that was priceless. Nah, I didn't really do that, but I would. Let me know when the old hag croaks, I'll be there with my bag of tricks to liven the party.
See, laughing is serious business. It can ease tension, alleviate stress, soften pain, and just feels good. Unless its with a broken rib or right after open-heart surgery, then you should keep it to a chuckle. So much of life sucks though, I say you shouldn't prevent yourself from laughing at it. Friend losses job in the current economy, call and ask them to come mow your yard since they have so much time on their hands. Kid gets the chicken pox, throw a slumber party and just consider it neighborhood immunizationing (like that?I just made up another word). Attending a funeral, mention this little nugget to all your fellow attendees, "Well, it sucks they're gone, but at least now I don't have to pay back that loan they gave me, so that's kind of awesome."
The Bible says, "Who among you can add a single day to your life by worrying?" Summarized nicely by Bobby McFerrin, "Don't Worry, Be happy" Of course, Bobby's idea probably involved the burning of a little green plant rolled in paper.

Monday, August 3, 2009

The Happy Comic says, "Don't be a Hater!"

I have heard recently that some of my posts were too mean or dark. I'm now offering to change my type color to yellow and surround it by smileys :)
I haven't purposely set out to be negative, mean, or dark. Sometimes, it's just the nature of my humor. Actually, I don't set out to be anything. I'm like the "thought" gate keeper. I will occasionally open the gates. Whatever flows out, so be it. Hopefully its amusing.
If you remember, I never promised to be cheery all the time, or even funny for that matter. Some people enjoy mean humor. Yes, they may be sick individuals, but individuals nonetheless. They need a laugh too, even if it is at someone else's expense.....Expense........WOW!.....That's it!....They want their type of humor free! They are comedy cheapskates!
I prefer to to let my thoughts flow uncensored. Kind of like a movie for "kids". We all know it's sold to kids, but has more jokes in it for the adults watching. Okay, maybe that's a bad example. Heck, that doesn't even make sense!... Similes and Metaphors are not my strong suit. I'm not really sure what is.... Maybe Advance Algorithmic Geometry.... Is that even a subject? I think I just made that up.
I wonder if Picasso had people telling him he couldn't put noses on upside-down or give a women 3 breasts. Like him, not a lot of people get me. Not that I am comparing myself to an artist like Picasso. I don't even paint. Unless the finger-kind counts. And I've never even seen a women with 3 breasts, although I probably wouldn't look away if I did :)
If I were to compare myself to an artist, it would probably be Van Gogh, cause he's my favorite. Like him, my stuff gets kind of fuzzy.....the lines are blurry. Unlike him, nobody wants my stuff. And I have both my ears.
Anyway, if you don't find my humor funny, that's okay. Sometimes I don't either.
Question: Is it still humor if nobody thinks it's funny? Answer: Probably.
Maybe it's not good humor. Maybe the right person just hasn't read it yet. Maybe they have and were laughing too hard to comment. Or, maybe the people who didn't laugh just suck. Either way, there's too many variables.


Humor & Funny Blogs - BlogCatalog Blog Directory