Friday, May 28, 2010

What's in a Name?!?!?

OMG, I totally missed it.

I did my 200th post this week and kept right on going without recognizing it.

Judging by the lack of cards, well wishes, and cash gifts, all you assholes missed it too.

Thanks. Jerks.

Guess that makes us even for the time when I promised a hugely embarrassing TMI post once I hit 100 followers, then chickened out.

Now I have over 200 followers and my balls are just as small. (Figuratively speaking of course.) (Literally speaking, they are more like grapefruits.)


That reminds me of the AD we had in High School.

That guy used to have the worst guy-cameltoe in history.

I don’t know if he just wore boxers all the time with his too tight dress slacks, or if he really WAS hiding grapefruits down there, but he would always end up sitting somewhere in front of the congregated student body with his legs spread wide showing off his enormous balls, which were thinly veiled by khaki material, for all to see.

We nicknamed him, “Ole Pignuts”.

And THAT reminds me of other unfortunate nicknames from High School.

Like the girl who got nicknamed “Hotdog”, after her embarrassing trip to the ER, to have the broken off section retrieved from her body, after an illicit encounter with a frozen hotdog.

Some guy’s mom worked in the ER, and while trying to get her son to stay away from said girl (who was obviously looking for some “attention” in that area), she inadvertently let the dog out of the bun, and that poor girl was branded with a nickname that followed her through the rest of school.

There was also a girl who was given the nickname “Roastbeef”, due to the appearance of her female genitalia.

Nobody felt quite as sorry for her, since she was in the habit of exposing that region to so many many MANY viewers.

Which probably also explained how it got that appearance.

We also had a guy named “Crusty”.

He either had some tooth disease that made them brittle, or just ate too much candy. I can’t remember now.

I just remember that when he smiled, he had a mouth full of jaggedy spike-like teeth.

There was also “Smelly Donnie”. That one is pretty self explanatory.

Needless to say, Smelly D could clear out the locker room after gym class just upon his arrival.
He never showered after class.

Maybe never at all.

He had some reason he couldn’t shower at school.

Regardless, he was eventually given an involuntary shower by several of his classmates who had decided that they could no longer endure the repeated raping of their olfactory senses.

Said showering included him being carried into the showers fully clothed, and scrubbed with SOS and Brilllo pads that were brought from home for the occasion.

Pretty sure he didn’t stink much after that. I think he must have gotten the point.

I had many nicknames myself, but not one in particular.

There was Fast Eddy in T-ball and coaches pitch.

That’s because I ran around the bases like lightening.

Well, when I wasn’t stopping at each base to retie my shoes. (Thanks for the extra long shoelaces, Mom.)

There was Fiz Ed, my rap name.

They call me Fiz Ed because I’m physical.
Rappin’ & Rhymin’ the mike because I’m lyrical

That’s all I remember. But as you can see, I had seriously sweet skills.

And there was Mr. Ed.

For….ummm….non-tooth related reasons.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

2010 Funniest Blogger Awards Runners-up (a.k.a. First Place in Loserville)

I announced the 2010 Funniest Blogger Award winners last week.

Here are the peeps that ALMOST made cut:

Make sure you check them out for some good laughs.

They were all REALLY good.

Just not good enough…..LMAO….Maybe next year.

But until then, and to honor your valiant efforts, I give you this:

The Minus Smiley Face!

(See yesterdays post for the meaning of this)

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Smiley THIS!

I was making giant pretzels in the kitchen last night with my 6 yr old, when he noticed one of his school papers on the fridge.

He said, “I didn’t realized I missed that many on this paper.”
Having no clue what he was going on about THIS time, I said, “Huh?”

Him: “Geez. Look at all those red X’s! No wonder I only got a minus smiley face!”
Me: *…Blink, blink…* “Minus wha…..? Ummm….shouldn’t that be a frowny face then?”
Him: “No, look.”

Me: “That’s CRAZY! How can it be a minus or negative smiley?! Minus & negative mean the opposite of a smiley. And THAT would be a frowny.”

Him: “Oh man! I even made my ‘P’ backwards!”
Me: “Ahh, it’s an old paper anyway. And that’s probably a ‘Q’.”
Him: “Since when does ‘PIG’ start with ‘Q’?”
Me: *thinking if I know any cops named Quentin*


What are we teaching kids nowadays?!?!

I mean, I know the big thing is to give everybody a trophy just for participating (ex. “Congratulations Loser! You actually showed up every time! Here’s your trophy!”), but it’s no wonder these kids test scores are so low.

The freaking teachers don’t even know their opposites!

What happens when he goes to take the SATs in a bunch of years, and gets the following:

Rise is to Fall, as Succeed is to _________?

Minus Succeed?

Negative Succeed?


Wouldn’t these have been better:

UPDATE: My wife, also an Elementary teacher, explained that it was probably a Minus Zero, and his teacher drew a smiley face in the zero as a way of saying Good Job. I might accept that and feel the need to apologize to all my teacher/readers, IF not for all the red X’s on the paper.

How can they put red X’s AND put a minus zero or Good Job on the paper?

Can the teacher not count?
Were the red X’s some sick educator joke?
Maybe there really is a delicious farm animal named a ‘qig’?

Until then, I am pushing for teachers to be paid at the end of the year with trophies.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Memoir Monday: I Nearly Got My Sister Killed (she deserved it)

Another Memoir Monday, brought to you by Travis. Go over and checkout the others at his place AND donate to his weight loss cause. The money goes to help a little baby with cancer.

I was an adorable little child who always behaved.

If you don’t believe me, check out this post. Or this one.

As another example of my perfectness and idealchildwhoeverymotheronlydreamsofhavingness, I transport you back in time to when I was about 5 or 6.

It was summertime.

I was home and playing outside on a warm summer day.

Since my older, by 10 years, sister had been left in charge, I was playing by the street that ran in front of our house.

Meanwhile, she was inside watching soaps when she should been watching me or doing homework or dishes or whatever she had mom falsely convinced that she was responsible enough to do on her own (Told you I would eventually tell on you! 30 years counts as eventually in this case!).

So, I am out front, minding my own business and doing what little boys at that age do.

Like throwing rocks at a bird that was sitting on a wire across the street.

I’d pick up a rock, take aim, and heave that rock as far and high as I could.

I did this probably a dozen times.

I am pretty sure the bird was laughing at my efforts, cause birds are jerks.

Or it was too terrified by my awesome pitching skills to move.

Regardless, I was determined.

So determined, I barely noticed the big burly Harley guy coming down the street on his Road King.

Right about the time that I DID notice him, I also learned that my hand / eye coordination was surprisingly good at such a young age.

That’s right.

The rock I intended for the bird suddenly sailed right towards Mr. Hell’s Angel’s head.

(That’s my story and I’m sticking to it)

Cue screeching tires and motorcycle U-turn.

Being no dummy, I made a bee-line for the house.

I busted in the front door, slamming it behind me, and rapidly explained the curious dilemma to my shocked sister.

I think I said, “HELP, HELP, HELP! HE’S GONNA KILL ME!!!”, as my little heart beat out of my chest.

Sister was like, “….*blink,blink*…Wha?”, cause she is a blonde.

This exchange was soon followed by a heavy *BANG,BANG,BANG* on the door and a loud, “OPEN UP YOU MF-ing LITTLE SHIT!!!”

I ran to my room and crawled under my bed, while sister dealt with the leather-clad unhappy camper.

After much swearing and threatening and apologizing was exchanged, the coast was clear.

Except that my sister decided to try her hand at physical punishment by spanking me.

I laugh in your face, Julie, at that pathetic attempt.

Even if I didn’t do so then.

Friday, May 14, 2010


Ed's Funny Pages Presents



Bicycle Blah

Now that you've watched the biggest, most elaborate, most time consuming STICKMAN TOON I have done to date....Return the love and go over here and help a worthy cause, you cheap bastards.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

2010 Funniest Bloggers Award!

*puts on rare serious face*

Okay, let me start by saying….


Geez people!

40 some nominations?!?!?!

*note to self: Revise format for next year. No repeat winners. Limit nominations. Get xanax prescription*

I actually checked out each blog.

ALL 40+!!!

You know how hard it was not to skim?!?!

But I made myself read at least 3 or 4 randomly selected posts from each blogger.

I didn’t even bother leaving comments. Between visiting the blogs at home, and checking them in Google reader during free time at work, I was wiped out. It took the better part of a week.

Not only that, but they were ALL really good. I expected at least a few duds, or friend of a friend type nominations. NADA!

I finally had to develop a rating system. I scored each one (based on various things: whether I laughed out loud, ease of reading & page loading, visual appeal, content, etc).

Then, I divided them up by ratings, and rechecked them one last time, just to make sure no one slipped through the cracks.

Yes, I probably made this way harder than it needed to be. (TWSS)

I can’t tell you how difficult it was to keep to the self-imposed 10 winner limit, too.

So, without further ado……..I give you…….


Ed’s Funny Pages

2010 Funniest Blogger Award Recipients


Each winner will receive a custom made Award, appearing in their inbox around 9 a.m. EST., to be displayed on their site for as log as they wish.Or not at all.

This years award is being presented by the Funny Pages very own STICKMAN!

No link back is necessary. (Really, I am not doing this for me to get attention. As much BS as that sounds, it’s true.)

Additionally, the winners will have their own links added to my sidebar blogroll.

I wish you all many laughs and new followers.

I appreciate everybody who visited and participated, whether it was by nominating someone or being nominated.

You ALL were great.

Now, go visit the winners and wish them congratulations.

Plus, see if you can spot their awards.

In the near future, I will post the runners-up/finalists/Honorable mention list.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

The Hall Of Funny and other updates....

Hall Of Funny List

Soon, very soon, maybe even later today, I will have the NEW Ed's Funny Pages Funniest Bloggers of 2010 Award recipients list up.

But first, as a final homage....(and to let the future winners of this years award know what kind of distinguish company they are joining)........

I give you the 2009 winners of Ed's Funny Pages Funniest Bloggers Award

2. Steamy @ Steam Me Up Kid
3. Miss Yvonne @ Yo Mama’s Blog
4. Allie @ Hyperbole & A Half
5. Mooooog35 @ Mental Poo
6. Narm @ White Collar Redneck
7. Veggie @ The Vegetable Assassin
8. Travis @ I Like To Fish
9. Daffy @ Bat Crap Crazy
10. Vic @ What Were You Thinking
12. Jillian @ The Pilgrim Congress

Yes, there were 13 instead of ten. That was before I set limits on myself.

Now, I keep it to 2 hookers a night 10 bloggers.

Here is the sweet award I custom made (read: stole from google images) for them, which they promptly pitched in their recycle bin:

Hell, I am not even totally sure I presented it to all of them. Speaking of, if you're on the above list and didn't get yours last time, feel free to grab it now. I can't be expected to do any hand holding shit.

Despite this groups fears and/or pleads, I am not replacing or removing them from the list. They will now be classified as members of The Hall of Funny.

In fact, here is an updated award:

So, if you just stole your award from above, re-steal the updated version.

HEY, I never said this was a smooth ship I was sailing. It's actually more of a speedboat. So don't let a wave bounce your ass overboard.

Update on the Upcoming Funnies

Like I said, hopefully later today, or at least by tomorrow, I will have a list of this years winners. (which means that there is still time, so keep the bribes coming.....Except you Canadians. That Monopoly money you call currency is no good here in the States.)

ALSO, I am putting the finishing touches on a new Stickman toon. I hope to have it up on Friday.

Stay tuned.

Monday, May 10, 2010

And The Nominees Are...............................

Here are the Nominees for Ed’s Funny Pages 10 Funniest Bloggers of 2010 Award (because I couldn’t come up with a shorter name for the award).

I think I listed all of them. Several were nominated more than once, which they did get extra credit for, but I only listed them once here. They are also listed in no particular order.

The winners will be announced soon, as I am currently over halfway done visiting each of these.

Just to clear up a few things:

1. The new list will NOT replace the old. If you made the first list, I am not taking you off the Funny Blogger list. You won’t be listed as a 2010 recipient, but rather as a 2009 winner, and moved to my Hall of Funny. Unless you were nominated again. Or unless you stopped being funny and now suck.

2. The judging will be done by me. Again, look up at the title of this blog. However, if you feel particularly strong about one of the bloggers listed above, that goes beyond a simple nomination and borders on your desire to have their blog-babies, you may send me a short essay explaining why this blogger should receive extra consideration, which I will promptly place in my trash bin.

3. How will I judge the winner? Well, first and foremost, they have to make me laugh. (Here’s a little secret: I don’t laugh easily. After years of overexposure to comedy and humor, it takes a lot of stuff or something special to get a REAL laugh from me, and not just a smile, chuckle, or internal “ha-ha”.) I am reading several posts from each blogger just to make sure that I didn’t catch them on an “off day”. Blog layout is also important. I have ADD, and too much other junk going on can distract me if the funny is not right there in your face. Also, 5 paragraphs of joke setup before the punchline will move you to the bottom of the list. GET TO THE POINT! I AIN’T GOT ALL DAY!

Remember, lots of people can be cute, amusing, entertaining, or have humorous moments. BUT, in order to be labeled as a FUNNIEST Blogger of 2010, you got to BRING IT consistently.

Now, everybody go check out the nominees. Most seem pretty good so far.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Old Guy Office Mate: The Fitness GURU

Office Conversation

Coworker: “Hey!”
Me: “Hey girl!”
Old Guy Office Mate: “Hey yourself. What are you doing?”
Coworker: “Just coming bye to say ‘hi’.”
Me: “Cool.”
Coworker: “Yea. So, I’ve been riding my bike afterwork. Yesterday, I rode from my house to my mom’s, then to my uncle’s across town, then to the park and back.”
Me: “That’s good.”
Coworker: “Yea, except my ass is killing me now.”
OGOM: “No wonder! Look at the size of that thing!”
Coworker: ….blink, blink….
Me: …whince….
Coworker: “So yeah, I need to get a new seat for my bike.”
OGOM: “You NEED to go on a diet!”
Me: “Damn dude.”
Coworker: “I meant, that tiny bike seat hurts my ass.”
Me: “Just stick with it. You’ll get used to it. You’ll develop butt calluses.”
Coworker: “I don’t want calluses on my butt.”
Me: “Not really calluses. Only your muscles in that area will toughen up and you won’t even notice any discomfort after awhile.”
Coworker: “Nah. I just need a bigger seat.”
Me: “Do they make seats for black girl booties.”
Coworker: “Yea. They have some wider ones.”
OGOM: “Look, whatever you’re doing ain’t working.”
Me: “Geez dude.”
OGOM: “I’m just saying she should quit even trying.”
Coworker: “Why?”
OGOM: “Because you’re a big girl. That isn’t going to change from riding a bike.”
Me: “There’s nothing wrong with trying to take care of yourself.”
OGOM: “You don’t have to tell me that. I’ve lost 35 pounds in 45 days.”
Coworker: “That’s because it’s easier for guys to lose weight. They don’t have to deal with estrogen.”
OGOM: “No, it’s because I changed my diet, along with exercise. If YOU want to lose weight, you’ll practically have to starve yourself. That’s the only way it will come off.”
Coworker: “That ain’t gonna happen.”
OGOM: “Neither is your ass strinking.”
Coworker: “No he didn’t!”
Me: “Oh boy.”
OGOM: “I went on a modified Atkins. Lots of meat, fish, dark veggies. Plus I went to the gym every night.”
Me: “Look, as long as you are taking in less calories than you are burning, the weight will come off. It’s just a matter of how fast it does.”
Coworker: “Thank you!”
OGOM: “What I am saying is……Look,’re……pleasantly plump. Be happy with who you are. If a guy doesn’t love you for who you are, then he’s stupid. Just quit kidding yourself about losing that ass.”
Coworker: …..jaw bouncing off floor……
Me: “DUDE!”
Coworker: “I’m out of here.”
…she leaves….
Me: “Maybe just a tad harsh dude.”
OGOM: “She’s fat. Those hips aren’t getting less wide.”
Me: “Nice.”

What can I say about Old Guy Office Mate. Just like Jillian Micheals, he loves vagina AND gives you the straight talk.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Time for the Funnies

Remember when I ranked the funniest bloggers that I read (here)?

Or, do you remember when I passed out my custom made funny award to a select few very funny peeps (or here)?

Well, I figured it had been long enough since I updated my Funnies list, or handed out my funny award, and I should do it again.

Only one problem….

When I was going back through my reader cleaning out the cobwebs (“cobwebs” being code for slackers who rarely post or lost their funniness)….(and I totally just ruined the code, DANG IT!), I realized that I had been so caught up with posting, reading my loyal followers, and making awesome comments, that it had been awhile since I had checked out anyone new.

Maybe there are supremely funny people out there who I am missing.

I began to have a mild panic attack thinking I might be overlooking some good stuff. But since it was only a mild attack, it passed quickly. Or maybe it was a fart.

The point is…

I am redoing the Funny Blogger Recommendation list and need your help.
Actually, I need your help for two reasons.

First, I need you to nominate/refer/suggest someone that you read and think is hilarious and would like me to checkout for consideration.

Second, since my site traffic has dropped, I need you to spread the word to your friends so I can consider as many people as possible before I make my decision.

After I have checked out all the bloggers that are recommended to me, I will post a list of all the nominees, with hyperlinks.

Then I will rank the top ten funniest that I read, also with links.

Plus, the top 10 will each receive a newly crafted custom made FunnyPages Award to display proudly.

There may even be an additional prize or prizes.

I am still working out the details (i.e.. Can Gary Coleman be shipped overnight UPS? Maybe each of the 10 would get to spend the day showing him off in their hometown, like the Stanley Cup trophy? Or, what about sending each winner a lifetime supply of used toilet paper?)

The best part? We all get to check out some funny stuff that we might not already read.
And YES, Mooooog35, you can nominate yourself. It’s completely open.

So send in those nominations, either in the comments or by email.

Let the laughs begin!

P.S. You might ask what qualifies me to judge the funniest bloggers, besides the fact that it’s my contest.
Well, it’s because I am the funny expert!
It’s even in the name of this blog, DUH!
Just look up!

Monday, May 3, 2010

Memoir Monday: TAR 2010

Driving into TAR. The weather was LOVELY. And by LOVELY, I mean ASS.

Saw BUSH upon arrival. I heart you St. Louis. You have a whole stadium dedicated to one of God greatest creations. Now, you just need to learn how to spell.

Travis said, "Look for the two naked chics with big cameras." After getting out my wad of $1 and being slapped by several passerbys, I found these two. Very nice ladies, Bambi (Left) and Barb (Right). Travis was half right. They did have big cameras.

Here's a very drunk Travis doing the YMCA dance at Hard Rock Cafe the first night. He could also be praising God that his TAR shirt fit, I don't really remember.

Here's the early TAR group at Hard Rock. From left to right: Coffeypot, Barb, Alicia (Travis' missus), Travis, Bambi, and Kid Funk (Travis' partner/luvah/BFF/brother/tagteam partner/something.)

Here is a shot looking down from the top of the arch. This is starting to seem like those sucky vacation slides people make you watch.

Here is the main TAR group. Left to Right: Jeff, Travis, Daffy, Mr. Wonderful, Coffeypot.

Here is the adorable Ms. Daffy chillaxin (I hate that word) at the mall. As you can see from her facial expression, she is one Labor Day away from Jerry Lewis holding a Tele-thon for her.

Here's Travis doing his best Boy Band impression. No matter how long we made him stand there so we could take pictures, the damn train just wouldn't show up.

Here is Mr. Coffey in front of a fountain on the last day. We hung out at the museum after everybody split........As a side note: This dude is super cool and totally NOT really a dirty old man like he seems on his blog. Make sure you check him out.


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