Thursday, December 30, 2010

The Years Almost Over So I'm Mailing This One In...

Big New Years plans?

Drinking and partying again?



I'll be at home. Sober. Spending time with my wonderful family.

Who needs getting wasted with strangers and waking up with regrets? Or vise versa?

When you have three kids, you don't need to go to a party to see someone throw up.

You just have to watch and wait.

My kids are such lightweights.

The can barely hold their eggnog.

Happy New Year!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Santa Came. But I Didn't.

I hope everyone had a great holiday weekend!
Christmas at the Adams’ was quite good.
No one actually vomited.
AND, there was only the normal amount of crying, but we’re used to my brother-in-law doing that by now.
I got some new boxers. They are in variations of blue and black plaid.
How awesome is that? ….. It’s like a license to skidmark!
I also got an airhorn from my six year old. That’s like the adult version of the Whoopee cushion.
I received a bunch of other cool unfunny stuff too.
The kids got a bunch of stuff to add to the piles of crap that they already have and are ungrateful for.
The wife got some stuff too.
I know, given the comments on my last post, that some of you are probably curious as to what she got.
Here’s what I got her… A Flip video camera, a new MP3 player, an iTunes gift card, an adaptor for using the MP3 player in her car, a Wii dance game and dance mat that she had wanted, some undies and socks that she asked for, and a bunch of chocolates and carmels and Reese’s cups.
An I.O.U. for the dishwasher.
Because I’m classy.
And because Lowe’s was out of the one I wanted and didn’t want to sell me the next one up for the same price.
So, since I wasn’t willing to spend $150 more for it (even though I won’t put a price on love, I will put a price on getting screwed at Lowe’s during Christmas time), I decided to wait until after Christmas.
And to go to Sears.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I Need Your Opinion On A Christmas Gift...

I have a gift dilemma.
See…. I know you’re not “supposed” to give woman appliances as a gift…
Does that include even if they really want one and have been practically begging for one for over a year?
Even dropping hits like, “I wish I had a dishwasher”, or “How about getting me a dishwasher for Christmas?”, or “Would it friggin’ KILL YA to get me a M@&*+!  F@?*ing DISHWASHER!!!”
Okay, so she didn’t actually say that last one, but she was thinking it.
What she actually said was, “Do you know how easy it would be if we had a dishwasher? There wouldn’t be dishes constantly piled up around here.”
To which I replied, “Well, we always have laundry piled up and we ALREADY HAVE a clothes washer!”
After I regained consciousness, I volunteered to do the dishes from then on.
I really don’t mind.
*looks around to make sure wife isn’t around, shakes head NO while mouthing “I’m lying, it sucks”*
See, the last time we had this discussion; I was all set to get one.  I shopped around and was all set to bring one home, and then the wife found out how much it was going to cost, decided she didn’t want one that bad.
Back to me doing the dishes.
So I forget sometimes.
So I’m lazy.
So they pile up.
Big deal.
So she does them occasionally. Sometimes.
Now ‘we’ want one again.
So here’s the deal… My performance bonus should be one my last check before Christmas (which I conveniently forgot to mention to wife), and I’m thinking of surprising her with a new dishwasher.
Should I break the cardinal rule on appliance giving?

Monday, December 20, 2010

Something That Made Me Laugh This Weekend...

Guys, I don't know about you, but I'm a little nervous about putting anything named "Axe" near my balls.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Merry Suicidemas!!!

Tis’ the season to be jolly and merry and stuff.
Your days are bound to be filled with an abundance of Christmas spirit.
Unless you’re Jewish.
Then it’s just another Saturday for doing nothing.
And eating Chinese.
For everyone else, there will be lots of presents.
And spending time with family.
And suicides.
Which might be explained by the one I mentioned before it.
They do go up around this time of year. Just sayin’.
Since I’m feeling festive, I have a suggestion.
How about, instead of offing yourself this year, you gift wrap those pills and give them to a homeless person?
If anyone should be considering a way out, it’s them.
And don’t you want to help those in need?
Where’s your Christmas Spirit?
In all seriousness, don’t do it.
Not only do pills cost money, which means the homeless would probably just sell them for booze, but giving them away is illegal.
Besides, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
No one should even consider it.
Unless you’re terminal or homeless, then it makes sense.
But you still shouldn’t do it.
Think about the people who would have to clean up afterwards, you selfish bastard.
Don’t ruin their holiday!
(I see a lot of this in my job, and it pisses me off. If you’re on edge, get help! Or at least pick a different time of year.)
P.S. I was in a suicide prevention meeting at work the other day (which I obviously slept through, given the above post), and when they were reporting the leading methods of suicide, they listed them as follows:
1.  Overdose of prescription drugs.
2.  Overdose of recreational drugs.
 3. Overdose of firearms.

This left me with a couple of questions.
First, what’s the acceptable dose for a firearm?
Secondly, when I think of recreation, I think of fun. Not dying.
Are these drugs really THAT recreational?
Merry Christmas! :)

Monday, December 13, 2010

Parenting: It's Like Real Life, But Pays Less.

Sometimes parenting is hard.
This weekend, exactly 2 weeks before Christmas, my 6 year old figured out that there is no Santa.
As in a fat man, dressed in red, who enters our house and leaves presents. Instead, Mommy and Daddy continue the tradition started by St.Nicholas in the middle ages, of giving gifts on the eve of Christ’s birth to remind people of the greatest gift that was given to us by God.  
The whole “naughty & nice list” thing, however, IS still in effect, and is kept by those who ARE actually watching when you’re good or bad, and KNOW when you’re asleep or awake.
 It also means that when Mommy is Kissing Santa Claus, she is not actually committing adultery.
Unless it’s the Santa at the mall. Then mommy goes on the naughty list and gets divorce papers for Christmas.
The evening was filled with much drama, mainly from mommy not getting to see her friend at the mall anymore, but also from the 6 year old who learned that growing up sucks reindeer balls.
For good measure, and to prevent having to relive the drama in the months ahead, I told him the same was true of the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy.
I’m an awesome dad!

Sometimes parenting is embarrassing.
Folks, I rarely get embarrassed. Usually when it happens, my kids are the cause.
Case in point.
Sunday morning, while sitting in the front of the church right before the service starts, and all is quiet as a mouse, the following takes place:
Lily (2 years old): “See my Wiggle, Daddy?”
Me: “I do. It that Greg?” (In my defense, he was missing his colored shirt.)
Lily: “No, it’s Anthony!”
Me: “Oh? It is?”
Lily: “YES! I’m going to change his pants. And see his weenie!”
*snickering behind us*
Me: “Sssh! He doesn’t have a weenie, because he’s a doll.”
Lily: “I have a weenie!”
*more snickering behind us*
Me: “Sssssh! No you don’t, honey.”
Lily: “No, I have a pee! Sammy (brother) has a weenie! Max (brother) has a weenie! I have a pee!”
*laughing behind us*
Me: “Ssssssssh! Yes, that is correct.”
Lily: “YOU have a weenie! I’m going to touch your weenie!”
*more laughing*
Me: *moving away quickly* “NO! Ssssssssssssh! We don’t talk about weenies at church! And we DEFINITELY don’t touch other peoples weenies at church! We are NOT Catholic!”
Me: “Where is your mother?!”

Sometimes parenting is funny
*cuddling on the couch with the wife, while the boys beat each other up in the next room*
Wife: “That sounds like trouble.”
Me: “No crying yet, so we’re good.”
Wife: *yelling* “Settle down in there! Max,you better not be playing with that wood again!”
Me: *snickering*
Wife: “It belongs under your bed!”
Me & Wife: *snickering*
Wife: “Max, stop playing with the wood!”
Me & Wife: *laughing*
Me: “You’re so naughty.”
Wife: “It’s your fault.”
Me: “ME?! I was waiting for you to tell him he’d go blind if he didn’t stop.”

(For clarification, the “wood” is one of the 1x4 mattress supports from under the bed. Perverts.)

Friday, December 3, 2010

Becoming A Man

Wife: “You really need to have ‘The Talk’ with M (my almost 12 yr old).”
Me: “Why? Does he know something I don’t?”
Wife: “I just caught him looking at the Victoria Secret catalog again. And he told me that we need to start buying porn magazines because he’s getting to that age.”
Me: “What age exactly is ‘that age’? Are we talking Hugh Heffner, lounge around in pajamas all day, age?”
Wife: *blink,blink*
Me: “And what does he think, I’m made of money or something? NO! He’ll just have to make due the same way I did when I was a kid, National Geographics from the library.”
Wife: “I think you’re missing the point.”
Me: “I thought your point was he stole the Victoria Secret catalog from my bathroom again.”
Wife: “Why do I even bother?”


Humor & Funny Blogs - BlogCatalog Blog Directory