Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Wacky News Wednesday: Boobies & Rings

Russian scientists expect to meet aliens by 2031
Ha! NOT with THEIR space program.
Woman sprays police with breast milk
Some lady in Ohio got mad at police during a traffic stop. When they tried to remove her from the vehicle, she announced that she was a nursing mother, exposed her breasts, and squirted milk at one of the officers.
She was arrested for carrying WML’s.
Weapons of Mass Lactation.
Scantily dressed visitors must cover up to see Rikers inmates
No skimpy outfits for visitors to Rikers Island.
Scantily clad visitors are required to put on a drab XXL T-shirt before being admitted as visitors.
Turns out it was making the prison bitches jealous.
Botox and texting may not mix
Some 15 year old girl got Botox in her HANDS because she had sweaty palms. The sweat was interfering with her texting ability.
The botox blocked the nerve signals to the sweat glands in her hands.
It also blocked the nerve signals to her texting fingers.
She couldn’t text for 6 weeks.

North Korea blame loss to U.S. on players getting struck by lightning

Not surprising. They ARE the land of excuses and tiny dictators.
Wrongly pronounced dead woman dies of shock at own funeral
Some lady in Russia was pronounced dead from a heart attack, only to wake up in a coffin surrounded by mourners at her funeral.
She freaked out, had another heart attack, and died.
Her husband said, “This time, she’s dead for good.” He sounds so distraught.
If death don’t kill you, the funeral will.
Ring turns up 51 years after was flushed down toilet
This was actually a cute story.
From South Carolina, a guy who graduated in 1962 was reunited with his class ring.
He had given it to his girlfriend at the time, who accidentally dropped it in her toilet mid-flush.
She panicked and had her dad call a plumber, who removed the toilet and snaked the drain, only to pronounce the ring a “goner”.
Recently, a city worker fixing a busted storm drain found the ring, took it to a jeweler, got the ring cleaned, and tracked down the old dude it belonged to.
The best part?
The old guy gave the ring back to the girl who had flushed it.
She’s been his wife since 1964.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Next Time, They ALL THREE Are Going To Camp!!!

In case you missed it, my oldest was at Junior High Challenge camp last week.  They spent time doing cool stuff like hiking, canoeing, kayaking, swimming, rock walls, rope climbing, zip lining, primitive camping, and chasing girls.
All while learning about God.
If not for the girls, it would have been called Christian Bootcamp.
While he was gone, the only form of communication he could receive was email, which the staff would print and deliver to the campers once a day.
His mother and I each sent him one, but later found out mine was the only one he received.
It read:
“Hey Son! Dad here.  Just wanted to drop you a few lines. I remember how much fun it was to get mail while away at camp. Although, when I was at camp, my parents never sent me mail. Pretty sure they hated me and were just glad I was gone. Anyway, I used to love getting mail in Navy bootcamp. I’m sure you are having WAY more fun there then I did at Navy bootcamp (i.e.girls), but getting mail is still fun. It’s like a little piece of home. A small piece. The only piece not completely cluttered by all your toys.
I miss having you around. Your mom has been crazy without you here. I think your sister and brother are about ready to push her over the edge. They have been beating the crap out of each other. They need you around to keep the peace and your mom out of jail for murdering them. You sister asks about you every day. And your brother has been bored without you to play with.
We went to Granny & Grandpa’s last night for the WWE thing. Grandpa made hamburgers, but without the fries. WTF! Your brother threw a fit because your mom wouldn’t let him wrestle grandpa. Grandpa’s back was hurting. So instead, he took out his frustration by randomly attacking everyone else repeatedly. He got in BIG trouble. Your mom threatened to take away his wrestlers and make that the last WWE party. He cried, as usual.
We are looking forward to coming down and picking you up. We plan to leave early and make a day of it. Hope you are having fun and making friends. Don’t be picking up any girls. I know what a ladies man you are. You get that from your father. We are just too irresistible to women.
Oh, and I bought you a car while you were gone. It’s a Pontiac Solstice. Just like you wanted. Unfortunately, you have to be really tiny to drive it, because it’s a Hot Wheel. Hahahahaha, just kidding. Even the Hot Wheel was too expensive.”
So we went down early to retrieve the boy from camp.
On the way down, I stopped at the Edinburgh Premium Outlets.
I had been promising to take the wife there for several years and thought it would be a nice little detour.
And it was.
Until my daughter shoplifted.
Me and my youngest son were waiting outside the Claire’s store for my wife and daughter.
Suddenly, my daughter comes flying out of the door, HUGE smile on face, and saying, “LOOK WHAT I GOT! DORA POLISHES!”
Me: “That’s great! Does Mommy know you have those?”
Her: “Yep”
Two seconds later, the wife bursts threw the door saying, “She didn’t pay for those! L, get back in here!”
Once back in the store, my little angel threw a huge fit, tore open the polishes, knocked over a display shelf, kicked her mom, and threw herself on the floor, while screaming and crying.
My poor wife comes dragging her out the door, about in tears herself.
I grab my little angel from the wife, stand her up, and tell her that stealing is WRONG.
Her: (crying) “But I want the Dora polishes!”
Me: “We don’t steal! Stealing is wrong! It’s Bad!”
Her: “But I want them!”
Me: “You’ve been a bad girl. And bad girls don’t get anything. But STD’s.”
It’s never too early to impart words of wisdom.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Wacky News Wednesday--The Motherload Edition!

Today’s News is FILLED with crazy weird stories.
It’s like a treasure trove.
US Airways lets man in women's panties fly
San Francisco US Airways employees allowed a man to fly wearing nothing but skimpy ladies panties and high heels, stating they had no dress policy for passengers.
This was days after they had a Football player from Arizona arrested for wearing baggy pants that he refused to pull up all the way.
I guess they meant that they don’t have a CROSS-DRESSING policy for passengers.

California mom accused of killing baby in microwave

It wasn’t her fault the timer didn’t go off. How else are you supposed to know when it’s done?

NJ professor accused of running prostitution site

This NJ prof was running an online prostitution ring in Arizona. He’s like the Bill Gates of pimps.

Two killed after driving into massive hole in flooded road

Okay, WHO let Paris Hilton help sandbag?

Women can't keep breast implants for life: FDA

Turns out breast implants should have an expiration date on them, just like the milk jugs you buy at the store.

That seems ironic.

Man robs bank to get medical care in jail

Although he looks crazy, this guy is a genius. He was sick, had no money or insurance, walked into a bank, handed the teller a note demanding $1 and medical care, told her to call the police, and sat down to wait for them.

Missing Michigan Woman Found Dead In Suitcase

Some people will do ANYTHING to avoid those carry-on fees.

Brazil government identifies uncontacted tribe

They spotted this remote Amazon tribe of 200 indians, living in grass huts, and growing bananas and nuts for food.

Interestingly enough, they also noticed a DirectTV dish outside each hut.

Would you pay $100,000 for a razor?
Designed for millionaires, with an iridium handle, and 10 yr sapphire blades.
Because when you can wipe your ass on Ben Franklins face, a Bic just won’t do.

Utah man updated Facebook status during standoff

This just proves my point about needless status updates. Seriously? It couldn’t wait?

Study: Women dig dudes driving hot cars

Well, there was research money well spent.

This was brought to us by the same research firm that gave us last year’s big study:

“Humans need oxygen to survive”

Planned Parenthood stops treating Medicaid clients as stopgap funds run out

My own state, Indiana, passed a tough new anti-abortion law in May, which in part, cuts Medicaid funding for Planned Parenthood clinics.
The Pro-life side of me applauds this.
However, this doesn’t make much financial sense.
Wouldn’t it be better to let Medicaid fund the abortion, thereby cutting down the number of future enrollees of Medicaid?
Honestly, most of those unwanted kids from low income families are just going to grow up to be either criminals, or low income Medicaid recipients eventually needing abortions for their own unwanted pregnancies.
I say kill two birds with one stone.
Or two bums with one DNC.
Actor Doug Anthony Hutchison, 51, marries aspiring country singer Courtney Alexis Stodden, 16
Who knew the leader of the Dharma Initiative was a pedophile?
Seriously, the whole time I watched “Lost” I thought, that guy REALLY wants Claire’s baby.
I just didn’t think it was for THAT reason.
This girl’s mother gave permission for them to wed, which is CRAZY cause the mom is only 47!
Honestly though, that girl doesn’t look 16.
32 maybe. But not sixteen.
Mom says, “Doug is the nicest man I’ve ever met. We had no problem giving our consent.”
Awww, isn’t that sweet. He’s a NICE rich pedophile.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Eating Spunk While The Kiddo Is Away At Camp.

That's a horrible title, obviously using shock value to generate interest, so let me explain.
We got some of that Fundraiser Cookie Dough the other day.
The cookies tasted DELICIOUS!
I’m torn though.
Otis Spunkmeyer? Really?
Anytime you have “Spunk” in your name, people should be suspicious of your baked goods.

My oldest is off to camp for a week.
First time he’s been away from home for that long by himself.
I was getting concerned about how he would fair without mom & dad.
Would he be scared?
Would he get home sick?
Would he get injuried?
Would I have to make an emergency 3 hr trip back down here in the middle of the night to get him?
Then we got to camp.
And he saw all the pretty young girls also attending camp.
 And said, “This.Is.Awesome!”
Now, I worry about other things for other reasons.

Speaking of co-ed camps, I noticed a stark discrepancy in the treatment of the sexes.
See, while looking for the main registration cabin, we accidently found ourselves in one of the girl’s cabins.
I say it was a cabin because that’s what they call them.
And it looked vaguely cabin-esque.
On the outside.
On the inside, we entered a huge common area that was carpeted, with delicate colored walls, and was nicely appointed with couches, TV’s, and soft lighting.
They even had soft music playing in the back ground.
Off of the common area were several compartments/rooms with several bunkbeds in each. Each also outfitted with carpet, collored walls, and soft lighting.
Outside each compartment was a posterboard with the girls names staying in each room, written in sparkly marker.
It had a frilly name, like The Butterfly Taj Mahal or something unicorny.
After realizing our mistake, we located the registration building, checked in, and were told to head up the hill to the red cabin at the top.
Upon arriving at the cabin, it was evident that little had changed since Grizzly Adams had built the thing with Daniel Boone.
Definite log cabin that had been painted red on the outside. 
The cabin was named 666 or something.
We walked in and felt like we were still outside.
Exposed log walls.
Barely any light, except for a single hanging bulb.
The floors were concrete or hardpacked dirt. It was too dark to tell which.
There were four compartments, each of which slept 8.
The place smelled musty, with hints of urine.
The best part was the room signs.
Names were handwritten in pencil on ripped-out notebook paper.
No sparkly markers anywhere.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Wacky News Wednesday

A homosexual judge’s ruling that Proposition 8 is unconstitutional, was upheld by a Federal Appeals judge.
Proposition 8 is a law, passed by the voters, to ban same sex marriage in the State of California.
The Federal judge said it was NOT a conflict of interest for the openly GAY judge to rule on the case.
In related news, Susan Smith said she thinks Casey Anthony is innocent and misunderstood.

An 11 yr old Ohio girl was shot for playing on her neighbor’s front lawn.
What happen to the days when you broke a neighbor’s window and all you had to do was apologize and pay for a replacement?
Nowadays, you tread on someone’s Bluegrass or Fescue and your ass is getting capped.

A 57 yr old man died while raping a 77 yr old Texas woman.
During the act, the man supposedly stated, “I don’t feel so well”, clearly stating the obvious.
After which, he rolled over and died. (Best sex EVAH?)
No jury or trial, just instant punishment from God Almighty!

Some deep sea treasure-hunting wackjob is supposedly on a mission to find Osama bin Laden’s watery corpse.
He calls himself a patriot and doesn’t believe the Administration is telling the truth about killing bin Laden and burying him at sea.
Seems kind of silly to spend the reported $1 million to go looking for something you don’t believe is there.
I think the SEALS should help him locate bin Laden.
That way they could put him and his concerns to rest.

Some Catholic church lost the 780 yr old relic of St. Anthony of Padua.
St. Anthony is the patron saint of the Lost and Missing.
And, as it turns out, Irony.

Monday, June 13, 2011

The Adams' Family Does Springfield. My Kids Kicked Lincoln's A**.

Took the Family to Springfield, Illinois this past weekend.
My youngest son is fascinated with Presidents, and with Springfield being Abraham Lincoln’s hometown, we decided to surprise the kids with a weekend roadtrip.
Me, the Wife, and my 3 kids.
4 ½ hours one-way.
9 hours in the car total.
*punches self in face*
Springfield is cool.
Tons of history…..I LOVE history….. Old buildings and houses.
I’m pretty sure I was born in the wrong era.
I just googled “era” on my cellphone to make sure I used that right.
And yes, I see the irony.
The kids loved it.
The wife did to, regardless of when she exclaimed, “Springfield is the trashiest big city I have ever been to. Don’t they own a streetsweeping machine?”
I explained to her that Abe gave people their Freedom to Litter.
That’s why he wrote that Emancipation Unsanitation.
We took a tour of his Law Office, led by an ancient lady who knew EVERYTHING about Abe.
I think they went to grade school together or something.
We got to stand on the very same hardwood floors where Abe stood.
Then we went to the Old State Capital building across the street.
Honest Abe spent lots of time in there.
I could almost feel his presence, but he wouldn’t hold still.
Turns out it was an impersonator, and he was not pleased at having his “presence” felt.
Then we walked down to the Lincoln house.
They’ve preserved the entire neighborhood and the only home Lincoln ever owned.
And his crapper. Dude had 3 johns in his outdoor “reading room”.
The kids got their picture touching the same banister that Lincoln touched.
I’m pretty sure that qualifies them to be Presidents now.
Or at the very least, free an entire race of people.
Then we headed to the tomb of Lincoln.
There's a bronze bust of Lincoln on a pedestal, and the nose is shiney from people rubbing it over the years for luck.
I lifted my daughter up so she could touch ole Abe's nose, and she proceeded to try and pick it.
Then she scaled the fence and climbed up the monument, which was closed at the time.
I informed her of her criminal acts, rounded her up before she could knock down the granite monument, and loaded her into the van.
I think that means I habored a felon.
Before we left town, we stopped at the Cozy Dog restaurant on old Route 66.
My kids LOVE the Disney/Pixar movie Cars, and Route 66 is a big part of that.
It’s the old cross-country route from Chicago to L.A.
The Cozy Dog is an original fixture from the road, and where the first Corndog was invented.
While there, we were panhandled by a black man from Alabama.
Mr. Lincoln would be so proud.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

A Link and Some Camping Quickies

First, go over and check out my buddy Mark.  He had a great idea after reading my WEINER post the other day. He wanted to work together in assigning porno names to all the leaders of Congress.
It’s pretty funny.  
See if you can guess which ones I did and which are Mark’s.

And now some quickies from a recent camping trip.
Having a preteen boy makes every conversation potentially perverted.
Every word that could possibly have a double meaning, or be taken the wrong way, WILL instantly become an innuendo or double entondre, followed by fits of laughter.  
It’s like living with Beavis & Butthead.
On a recent camping trip, after pulling through the drive-thru, the wife proceeded to pass out the food to the children in back while trying to make sure everyone was getting what they were supposed to.
The following conversation took place.
Wife: “S, let me have your wiener.”
M (12): “hahahahahaha”
Wife: “M, stop….S, give me your wiener.”
M (12): “hahahaha”
S (7): “Why? I bit off it already.”
M (12): “Ouch…hahahahaaha”
Wife: “M, seriously?!....S, let me see what’s left.”
M (12): “you want to see his wiener…hahahaha”
S (7): “Why?”
Wife: “M, STOP THAT!...S, just give me your box!”
S (7): “What box?”
M (12): “Hahahahahahaha”
Me: “hahahahahaha”
Kids can be so childish.
I have no idea where he gets it from.
Meanwhile, my Mother-in-Law (who camps across the way) stopped by our campsite to pay a visit.
And this happened:
MIL: “Liz, is that mud or poop on the ground right there?”
Wife: “I’m not sure.”
Me: “It’s mud.”
MIL: “It is? Where did it come from?”
Me: “From that hole between your legs…Err…I mean the one in the ground.”
Wife & MIL: ….blink,blink….
I'm so smooth.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Wacky News Wednesdays

Did you hear about the guy in Utah that paid his medical bill in pennies?
He was disputing the charge of $25, and when they wouldn’t remove it, he paid with 2,500 pennies.
My guess is he had been watching Diary of a Shopaholic.
Anyway, the cops were called, because medical people are racist against pennies.
Everyone HATES the penny.
The popo wrote the poor guy a ticket for disorderly conduct or some trumped up crap.
Now the ticket is going to cost him $140.
I think he should pay the ticket in pennies.
Italy stopped the smuggling of tap shoes into North Korea.
Evidently Kim Jung Il has happy feet.
A Japanese Astronaut is planning to grow space cucumbers while at the space station.
There’s an app for that?
New study says women fake orgasms, NOT to protect their partners delicate egos, but because of their own feelings of inadequacy.
They want to make themselves look good.
I love being a guy.
We don’t have to fake it.
And to look good, we just have to show up.
“Up” being the key word.
Texas Bus system refuses rides to saggy pants riders.
Teenagers and old people are PISSED!
Australia’s Military reported they lost their UFO/X-files, and were unable to locate them in order to comply with a Freedom of Information request from the press.
This obviously means the files were abducted by aliens.
The “Mullet Bandit” robbed another bank on Monday. That makes four Ohio banks that he has hit.
This proves 2 things:
  1. The price of haircuts in Ohio must be ridiculous!
  2. He is getting his money’s worth out of the "Business in the front", cause bank robbing ain’t no party.
                (the "party in the rear" will come when his gets to prison)
Ford Motor Company announced it would boost sales by 50% over the next 4 years.
Have the F*@K are they going to do that?
Start selling Hondas?

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Weiner Gets His In A Jam

US Congressman Weiner admits to sending women pictures of his manbits online.
There’s a shocker.
No, not another philandering politician, but a guy named Weiner showing off his schlong.
Dude practically has a porn name.
"Anthony Weiner, playing the part of Pizza Delivery guy 'Tony Weiner'."
 Hell, the whole House of Representatives sounds like the cast of a porno.
Check it:
Speaker of the House, John Boner (Boehner)
Democratic Leader, Nancy Peloosey (Pelosi)
Majority Leader, Eric …..okay, I can’t think of one that rhymes with  “Cantor”, and without knowing the street he grew up on, it’s next to impossible to think of an alternative porn name.
Regardless, you see my point.
Capital Hill is basically a VIVID Entertainment production.
Only thing missing is a cameo from Ron Jeremy.
Besides, Weiner is a democrat.
Behavior like that is practically a party requirement.

Monday, June 6, 2011


Okay, here's the last couple that I made. I promise not to do anymore for awhile. And by "awhile" I mean "today".

Friday, June 3, 2011

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Holy Ravioli Fazoli!!!

What The Fettuccini, Fazoli’s?
You change things more than a clever metaphor about something that changes a bunch.
Every time I go in there, your menu is different.
It took me forever to order when I KNEW what I wanted.
Now I just say, “I’ll have whatever Italian thing you’re advertising this week”.
I figure there’s a 50/50 shot it will be some combination of noodly-type things with red sauce, or something with fettuccini and a garlic somethingorother.
However, this last time you didn’t stop at the menu.
Oh no. This time, you changed EVERTHING!
No more little flashy-buzzy thingy to let you know your order is ready.
 Now, you have numbers on poles, which go on the table, so a server can find you when they bring your order out.
What are you doing, trying to be a real restaurant?
I would rather the servers be on poles. Or on tables.
Oh, but there’s more!
No more plastic plates and plastic silverware.
Now, you’re supposedly going green and have real china plates and metal silverware.
Did the Democrats buy the joint?
I miss the little mural of the tomato guy!

Just because they say “change is good”, does NOT mean they’re implying “a lot of change is better”.
It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011


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