Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Crazy Things My Kids Say: The 3 yr old.

No weird news today.
I’ve been looking, but nothing caught my eye.
I guess some days/weeks are weirder than others.

Instead, I give you …“Crazy Things My Kids Say”… (Copyright pending).
For this installment, I give you my cherub-face 3 year-old baby girl.
-While “helping” me wash my truck…
Her: “What’s this black thing on here for?”
Me: “That’s called a bra. It protects the paint from bugs.”
Her: “You need to take it off and get a RED one.”
Me: “Why?”
Her: “Because that’s MY favorite color!”
Me: “OH, that’s right. I forgot.”
Her: “You would!”

-While she was talking to my wife in the kitchen… (I posted this on Facebook & Twitter when it happened)
Her: “You know that thing?”
Wife: “What thing?’
Her: “You KNOW! That THING?!”
Me: “What THING?”
Her: “I’m talking to MOMMY! But you can feel free to talk to yourself.”

**10 mins later, after I butted into her conversation again**

Her: “I’m STILL not talking to you! I am talking to MOMMY!”
Me: “You’re right. I’m sorry I interrupted.”

-While riding on the golf cart around town, she became upset with her 7 yr old brother…
Her: “DON’T mess up my hair, you little jerk.”

-Also while “helping” me wash the car…
Her: **jabbering non-stop**
Me: “Mmmmhmmm”
Her: “HEY! Are you even listening to me?!”
Me: “You sound just like your mother.”

Friday, July 22, 2011


Judging by his ballcap, he probably showed her how to put that helmet on.

Maybe if he turned his hat around, he wouldn't have to use his hand to help keep the Sun out of his eyes.

Just a thought.

And now...

I don't know how many of you have seen the new Summer's Eve commercials, but I hadn't.

Not until my wife said, "You have to watch this. If you don't blog about them, I'll be disappointed."

Curious, and never one to back down from a challenge (unless it involves Math or spiders), I went and watched this .
(I have no idea if that link will work. If it doesn't, just google Summer's Eve "Hail to the V")

I immediately,just like all teenage boys would, recognized that the talking hand symbolizes a vagina.

Afterall, that's the first "vagina" a boy ever encounters in his life.

AND one he frequently returns to throughout his life.

Besides all the racial stereotypes displayed in the commercials, I did notice something that all these talking "vaginas" had in common.

Seems they all opted for the Brazilian.

Not a hairy hand in the bunch.

How trendy.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Weird & Wacky News Wednesday

Man afraid of heights gets stuck on bungee ride
DALLAS(AP) — A suburban Dallas woman's well-meaning attempt to help her future husband overcome his fear of heights went horribly wrong when a bungee ride they were in got stuck 50 feet off the ground for three hours because cables got tangled.

Irony of the week?

Man says he was rejected by blood bank for seeming gay
(AP)An Indiana man says a blood donation center rejected him as a donor because he appears to be gay--even though he isn't. Aaron Pace, 22, recently visited Bio-Blood Components Inc., in Gary, which pays up to $40 for blood and plasma donations. But during the interview process, he said, he was told he couldn't give blood because he seems gay. Though Pace is "admittedly and noticeably effeminate," according to the Chicago Sun-Times, he says he's straight.

You never can be too careful. Those gays are sneaky blood donors.
Police: Drunken man arrested at sheriff's church
COOKEVILLE, Tenn. (AP) — Authorities in Tennessee say a drunken man was arrested after wandering into a church where the sheriff had been worshipping.

He was just coming for Communion.

Women urged to strip to support Putin as president
MOSCOW, Jul (Reuters) - An online campaign has been launched in Russia urging young women to support Prime Minister Vladimir Putin in a presidential vote by taking off their clothes, a lawmaker's site showed Sunday.

BEST campaign idea EVER!!

Sisters sue cemetery over grave mix-up
NEW YORK (Reuters) - Evelyn and Hortense Edwards spent two decades visiting what they thought was their mother's grave in a New Jersey cemetery only to discover it contained the remains of a stranger, according to court papers. Now, the sisters are suing, seeking want $25 million in damages (WTF!) from Rosehill Cemetery in Linden, New Jersey, for emotional distress caused when they learned that their mother, Beatrice Williams, had been buried in the wrong plot.

25 mil? Seriously? I wish someone would mix up MY dead relatives!

Feet first into the meat grinder: Gruesome death for sausage factory worker chewed up in front of his horrified colleagues
(DailyMailOnline)A 26-year-old sausage factory worker suffered a grisly end when he slipped and fell feet first into a meat grinder which chewed off his legs and killed him.

He didn't need no education. His last words were, "HEY, Teacher, leave those kids alone!".

FYI: This happened at a Bar S plant. Might want to skip their sausage for awhile.

Police officers shoot each other as they try to arrest child porn suspect at Harry Potter screening
Two policemen are recovering after they were shot by fellow officers as they tried to arrest a man on child pornography charges outside a crowded move theatre. The incident happened as undercover officers tried to apprehend the unarmed man (Nice!) in the parking lot as he left a screening of Harry Potter in Plainville, Connecticut.

It was a CROWDED theater and the kiddie-porn-perp was UNARMED. Nice.
"Hey, Let's open fire!"..."Wait. We're not very good shots."...."So, what's the worst that can happen?"
I think they were trying to do the public a service by eliminating a few Harry Potter fans, but missed.

Calif. disabled parking placards sent to the dead
SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) — Nearly 60,000 of California's more than 2 million disabled parking placards issued by the Department of Motor Vehicles might have been sent to dead people.

Do cemetaries have handicap plots?

Five Amish farmers die in New York road crash
NEW YORK(Reuters) - At least five Amish farmers were killed on Tuesday in upstate New York when a car trying to overtake a slow-moving tractor collided head-on with their van in what police described as a horrific crash.

Well, there's ONE barn that won't be raised in a day.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Stuff I Rarely Do

Very rarely do I pay attention to blog stats or traffic.
I have 3 different stat / traffic trackers on here, mostly from when I was a new blogger and cared.
After I hit 200 followers, I figured I was doing something that people liked and that made it worthwhile.
And SUPPOSEDLY the reason we blog is for ourselves. It’s supposed to be a creative outlet for our mundane day-to-day lives.
Or that’s what we tell ourselves and others.
As a humor blogger, knowing I make people laugh or smile is the greatest joy my blogging gives me.
So I must admit that I was a little disappointed when I looked at my last couple of weeks worth of blog stats.
The Funny Pages averaged 25 visitors a day.
F#@king 25?!
That’s 10% of the 250+ followers that are registered.
I entertain more than that at work. Is this blog even worth my time anymore?
Those other 225 (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) are liars.
By saying you’re a follower and then not, you are truly missing out.
Of course, it’s not like you’ll see this.

I also rarely answer the phone at home.  
I answer phones a lot at work and get my fill.
When I answer at home, it’s usually just bill collectors or telemarketers.
Anybody I know calls my cell phone.
On the occasion I do answer the home phone, I enjoy messing with the person on the other end.
Me: “Hello?”
Bill Man: “Mr. Adams?”
Me: “Well, that seems a bit personal, but last time I checked my shorts, YES, I am MR.Adams.”
Bill Man: “Mr. (First Name) Adams?”
Me: “You want Jr. or Sr.?”
Bill Man: “Ummmm….**typing and frantically flipping pages**….ummm”
Me: “Well?!”
Bill Man: “The one married to (wife’s name).”
Me: “That would be me.”
Bill Man: “Great!” **said with relief**….. “Can you verify the last four numbers of your social security number?”
Me: “Why?” (I KNOW why, but I hate how they always ask you to do that.)
Bill Man: “It’s to confirm your identity, so I know I am talking to the right person.”
Me: “Ha! YOU called ME! Don’t you KNOW who you are talking to?”
Bill Man: “Yes sir, but…”
Me: “GREAT! Then you do it. Or just skip that part.”
Bill Man: “It’s just a formality, sir, to confirm identity before I tell you why I’m calling.”
Me: “How about you tell me why you are calling first, and THEN I’ll confirm if it’s really me you are talking to.”
Bill Man: “I understand you’re hesitant to give out your social security information. How about you give me your date of birth?”
Me: “HA! Nice try, ‘Mr. Identity-theft-person’.”
Bill Man: “Okay, just month and day then.”
Me: “December 19th
Bill Man: “GREAT!...I must tell you, this is an attempt to collect a debt. Any information obtained during this call will be used solely for that purpose and may be recorded. Do you understand?”
Me: “Me no speaky no Englah”…**CLICK!**

Thursday, July 14, 2011

My Dad. The Geriatric Rule Breaker.

See this?

THAT is my dad's car.

Well, ONE of them.

Because EVERY 72 yr old NEEDS 4 cars.

But I digress.

Do you see something wrong with that picture?

Here's the sign above the car. It's whited out in the picture because of the sun.

I was meeting my dad at Kmart, where he was paying his Sears bill.

Upon seeing his parking job, I called pops inside.

Dad: "Yellow!"
Me: "Hey Ole'Man! You know you parked in a fire lane, right?"
Dad: "No I didn't."
Me: "Yes you did! You even parked RIGHT under the sign that says 'No Parking Fire Lane'."
Dad: "Well, if you read it backwards it says, 'Parking OK'."
Me: "It wha...?" *blink,blink**reading sign backwards*  "No, it does not."
Dad: "Well, the place isn't on fire, so that lane is free."
Me: "Make sure you tell the cops that."

Further down the lot, I spot THIS beauty.

Yep, a man AND a women piled on that little chopper. THANKFULLY, no kid was placed in the trailer.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Weird News Wednesday--Read It Here First!

Bear-safety lecture in Yellowstone interrupted by bear
(Reuters) Just two days after a rare fatal mauling by a mother grizzly in Yellowstone National Park, a black bear interrupted the taping of a television news segment on bear safety. The odd close encounter on Friday featured a group of kayakers assisting a hiker in her effort to avoid the bear, and was captured on video by a visiting cable news crew.

Irony of the Day?

Rhinoceros head stolen from French museum
(AFP) Thieves stole a rhinoceros head from a museum in France, the latest in a string of raids thought to be fuelled by an international trade, police and museum sources said on Monday. Staff at the natural history museum in Blois, 160 kilometres (100 miles) southwest of Paris, discovered the exhibit was missing on Saturday morning following a break-in. The head, weighing about 100 kilogrammes (220 pounds) and dating back to the 19th century, had been dragged along the floor. Rhinoceros horn is prized in China where it is said to have aphrodisiac properties.

'Head'...'Horn'....'Aphrodisiac'....There's a dick joke in there somewhere, I just know it.

Lawsuit: Chase Bank declared Fla. woman dead
 (AP)  A central Florida woman says she's having numerous financial troubles because of a bank error that caused Chase Bank USA to declare her dead last November. Wrenella Pierre has filed a lawsuit and Chase officials said Monday they're investigating how the mistake happened. When Pierre and her husband built their home in 2007, they got two mortgages through Chase. According to the lawsuit, the bank notified credit-reporting agencies last year that Pierre had died. They sent a letter of condolence to the family (Hahaha), saying someone from the bank would be in touch about the mortgage. Pierre says she notified bank officials that she was alive and also went to a local branch to correct the mistake. A month later, the lawsuit alleges, credit agencies still reported her dead.

They SENT her a condolence card? HA! That was considerate of them.
"Sorry you're dead. Hope you get alive soon."

Cops: Woman complains of lack of love song, is hit
 (AP)  Authorities say that when a Pennsylvania woman complained that her songwriter boyfriend had never written a song about her, he choked her and hit her in the face. Ambridge police say 29-year-old Jason Banks attacked his girlfriend June 30 after she complained and pointed out he had written songs about other women. The Beaver County Times (Hahahaha) reports that Banks has been charged with simple assault.

That's what she gets for being critical. Who she think she is? Simon Cowell? 

Gotta pull out da pimp hand every once in awhile. Keep bitches in check, yo!

'Gilligan's Island' creator Sherwood Schwartz dies
 (AP) The man who created "Gilligan's Island" and "The Brady Bunch" has died. Great niece Robin Randall says Sherwood Schwartz died at 4 a.m. Tuesday. He was 94. Schwartz was a veteran comedy writer when he created two of TV's best-remembered sitcoms in the 1960s. Over the years, they have inspired parodies, spinoffs and countless stand-up comedy jokes. "Gilligan's Island" featured a hummable theme song telling how a boatload of seven characters, including a professor and a movie star, wound up stranded on an island.

Bet THAT is more than a 3 hour tour.

No Small Fries: Restaurant Bans Kids Under Six Years Old
(TIME) One Pennsylvania restaurateur has pulled the car over and told the kids to just get out. A local ABC affiliate reported that Mike Vuick, owner of McDain's in Monroeville, Pa., sent this email to his customers letting them know that kidlets would soon be non grata:

"Beginning July 16, 2011, McDain's Restaurant will no longer admit children under six years of age. We feel that McDain's is not a place for young children. Their volume can't be controlled and many, many times, they have disturbed other customers."

Before we get too worked up, this is a fancy-shmancy place next to a golf course. But I think we can all agree, this is age discrimination at it's littlest form.

Whoa, baby! Texas mom delivers 16-pound newborn
 (AP) A Texas mom expected a big baby, but nothing like this: 16 pounds, 1 ounce (7.3 kilograms). Janet Johnson on Monday remained in an East Texas hospital after giving birth to what her doctors called one of the biggest newborns they've ever seen. She was awaiting word on whether her son, JaMichael Brown, ranked among the biggest births in state history. "Everybody was amazed that he was so big," Johnson, 39, said. "I don't think too many people have heard of having a 16-pound baby."

No word yet on what she plans to do with her ENORMOUSLY stretched out vagina.

Her newborn son had this to say, "DUDE! That thing was comfy. But my cell reception was shit, so I split."

Then he walked away.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Weird News Wednesday: Casey Anthony Did NOT Make The List. Supposedly.

Several people have asked me if I am making up the ‘Weird News Wednesday’ stories.
I just read and report.
Usually, I summarize the story and add a little of my funny at the end.
Last week, I started including the actual headlines. STILL, people thought I made these up.
I wish I was that funny. Sadly, people in the news ARE just stupid and weird shit DOES happen.
Today, I included the opening of each news story (including the news source) as further proof of its validity.
MY comments are in blue.
NY motorcyclist dies on ride protesting helmet law
ONONDAGA, N.Y. (AP) — Police say a motorcyclist participating in a protest ride against helmet laws in upstate New York died after he flipped over the bike's handlebars and hit his head on the pavement.

Irony of The Day?

School found using bomb as bell
KAMPALA (Reuters) - A mine awareness team in Uganda was horrified to find an unexploded bomb being used as a bell when they visited a school to teach children how to spot bombs, a local newspaper reported.

Instead of detention, troublemakers are forced to ring the ‘bell’.

Jail inmate: Lack of porn violates US Constitution
MOUNT CLEMENS, Mich. (AP) — A Michigan jail inmate says he's being subjected to cruel and unusual punishment because he can't have pornography.

You don’t have to be an inmate to know that lack of porn is just wrong!

Oh wait, you mean jail is supposed to be fun? Our bad.

Finger Length Linked to Penis Size
(LiveScience)Men: Hold up your right hand. Are your index and ring fingers close to the same size? Congratulations, you're more likely than men with mismatched digits to have a long penis.

Well, duh!

**said while casually holding up his ENORMOUS and EVENLY-SIZED ring and index fingers**

Mexican man tries to escape prison in suitcase
CHETUMAL, Mexico (AP) — Police say a woman was caught trying to sneak her common-law-husband out of a Mexican prison in a suitcase following a conjugal visit.

Must have been good enough that she wanted a little ‘Take Home Baggy’.

Seriously though, is it any wonder they’re able to sneak across the border?

I buried my mother 15 years ago... but now she's turned up ALIVE
(The Daily Mail)-A woman who thought she had buried her mother 15 years ago got a shock when the old woman turned up alive and in Florida. Grace Kivisto, 56, from Knox County, Illinois, had been told human remains found in a local brickyard in 1996 belonged to her mother, who disappeared over 40 years ago. But investigators using DNA analysis last week told her family the remains were not those of their missing relative. Then, yesterday, detectives told Mrs Kivisto her missing mother had been found, alive and well, in Jacksonville, Florida.


You know what I think? ZOMBIES! Everybody knows Zombie/you-DNA never matches Alive/you-DNA.

Wide Faces Predict Unethical Behavior
(LiveScience)A man's face might hint whether he is bad to the bone, with scientists finding that wider faces might predict unethical behavior in men. Wide faces in men have been linked with aggression and perceptions of untrustworthiness. Now researchers have discovered that broad-faced men appear more likely to deceive their counterparts in negotiations and are more willing to cheat in order to increase their financial gain.

This is considered news?

**He asked with is handsomely narrow face**

Who wants to live forever? Scientist sees aging cured
LONDON (Reuters) - If Aubrey de Grey's predictions are right, the first person who will live to see their 150th birthday has already been born. And the first person to live for 1,000 years could be less than 20 years younger. A biomedical gerontologist and chief scientist of a foundation dedicated to longevity research, de Grey reckons that within his own lifetime doctors could have all the tools they need to "cure" aging -- banishing diseases that come with it and extending life indefinitely.

Great. Only 600 more years until retirement!

Teen faces prison after sex doll prank goes awry
INDIANAPOLIS (AP) — When 18-year-old Tyell Morton put a blow-up sex doll in a bathroom stall on the last day of school, he didn't expect school officials to call a bomb squad or that he'd be facing up to eight years in prison and a possible felony record.
A janitor at Rushville Consolidated High School saw Morton run away from the school May 31, and security footage showed a person in a hooded sweatshirt and gloves entering the school with a package and leaving five minutes later without it, according to court documents.
Administrators feared explosives, so they locked down the school and called police. K9 dogs and a bomb squad searched the building before finding the sex doll.
"We have reviewed this situation numerous times," Rush County Schools Superintendent John E. Williams told the newspaper last week. "When you have an unknown intruder in the building, delivering an unknown package, we come up with the same conclusion. ... We cannot be too cautious, in this day and age."
Morton was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct, a misdemeanor, and institutional criminal mischief, a felony that carries the potential of two to eight years in prison.

From my own state, nonetheless.

Geez, can’t anyone take a “My Sex Doll Needs to Take a Dump” joke around here?

UPDATE: I snapped this pic on the way into work this morning:

Friday, July 1, 2011

Demotivational Posters: Buses And A Short Story

First, a short story.

The year was 1997.

Or 1998. I forget.
I know I was newly married, and didn’t have kids yet.
The wife and I were both attending Ball State University.
That’s right. I went to BSU.
Sounds appropriate, doesn’t it.
But this story is no BS.
We were non-traditional students, who lived off campus.
Since we commuted to school, we would park in a lot and ride the shuttle buses to class.
This particular semester, our schedules overlapped so that she boarded a shuttle bus in front of the building were my next class was about to start.
I would go out and talk to her until the bus came.
The thing about these shuttle buses?
The drivers were all CRAZY.
Like they were all retired NASCAR drivers or something.
“Hey buddy! SLOW DOWN! You’re hauling kids back here, NOT moonshine!”
They would come flying up to a stop, and pull RIGHT.UP.ON.THE.CURB!
This particular day, I was standing on the sidewalk with my back to the oncoming lane, and talking to my wife.
Suddenly, I see her eyes get really wide.
And then it hits me.
I am knocked forward onto the ground with the wind out of me.
My back is throbbing.
Everybody was freaking out, and saying “OMG! Are you alright? Holy shit! That bus just hit you!”
See, the shuttle buses had these HUGE mirrors on the side that stuck out about 2 feet.
The driver clipped me with it hard enough that it bent backwards against the bus.
My wife was in a rage!
She stormed onto the bus, yelling at the bus driver, “YOU HIT MY HUSBAND!!!”
His response?
“Fix my mirror! Somebody needs to fix my mirror!”
Seems he didn’t even see me, and thought someone had just smacked his mirror while being a jerk.
She had him radio for the police, but they were too busy to respond and told us to come file a report at the station.
The bus drove off.
Went to the station and they told us that they couldn’t file a report now, because everyone had left the scene and we should have stayed there and waited.
We asked how we were supposed to stay there and keep the bus driver there too, especially when the police said to come to the station.
Nothing ever happen.
I should own that school by now.
I still haven’t paid back my school loans.
I figure they OWE me!

And now, Bus Demotivational Posters!


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