Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Kids Are Sucky At Secrets!

Do you know how I know that the Spy Kids & Agent Cody Banks movies could never actually happen, besides the whole Child Labor Law stuff?
Kids could never work for the CIA because they suck at keeping secrets.
And they are too short for retinal scanners, but that’s not my point.
My point is…if kids know your shit, they WILL tell your shit.  To anyone who will listen.
They are like little gossip mongers, or that little lady in your office with all the plants and pictures of her cats who is constantly in everybody’s business.
Don’t trust them.
Bringing my kid and his friend home from the movies last night, I learned more about the friend’s parents that they probably could ever imagine or hoped I would.
It was like a free relationship background, criminal records, and credit check all rolled into one.
Maybe the FBI would hire kids.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Don't Prejudge My Satire As Hatred!

I realize my last post may have come across a tad bit racially or sexually prejudice.
I pretty sure that “tad bit” part was your fault.
You obviously prejudged my prejudice due to your own racist bigotry.
I hope you’re happy, Mr. Hitler.
In all honesty, I’m a very nice and caring person in my own mind, who loves everyone and gets along great with others who aren’t different than me.
Being a straight white male in today’s society is hard.
Add in my insane ability to make fun of everything around me while remaining outstandingly awesome, and some people are left wondering what greatness just happened.
But when it comes to topics like sexual orientation, race, religion, ethnic groups, or immigration status, some people retreat with their feathers ruffled.
Clearly those people are birds pretending to be people, which makes them criminals.
Criminals have no rights, is my point.
I won’t shy away from these topics, however.
You should know, though, that being a straight white male automatically makes me the “racist” or the “hater” or the “bigot” or the “best”.
Even before I say anything.
And it’s no use for me to try denying it, even though I’m not any of those things, except the best.
Because isn’t “I’m not a racist/bigot/hater” the first thing racist bigoted haters say?
And we all know the next thing they say, right?
They claim friendships.
“I have tons of Black/Jewish/Gay/Illegal Mexican/Arab/Mormon friends!”
Sure you do.
Unless you ARE “Black/Jewish/Gay/Illegal Mexican/Arab/Mormon” yourself, no one has tons of friends like that.
Being a straight white male only makes it worse, because people are constantly discriminating against us by labeling us racists.
We aren’t even allowed to use terms of description without being labeled a racist.
Example: Suppose I was robbed by an African American male (and not because an African American would be more likely to do that either).
When giving a description of the mugger, and not wanting to seem like a racist, it might go like this:
Cop: “What did he look like?”
Me: “About 6 ft tall. Maybe 185 lbs.”
Cop: “Hair color?”
Me: “Brown?”
Cop: “Eye color?”
Me: “Brown?”
Cop: “Anything else? Skin Color?”
Me: “…….bro….bla……Afri……..pigmentedly blessed?”
Cop: *blink,blink*….“You racist!”

It’s crazy!
And everytime we think we have it figured out, someone changes it.
It’s not colored, it’s black. Colored is as bad as the N word.
Then, it’s not black, it’s African American. Because our skin color isn’t white any more than theirs is Black.
Then, it’s not African American, because they are just as American as everyone else.
Now it’s dark Americans or something.
But it’s this way with every group. The gays were homosexuals, then gays, and now non-straights.
I give up trying.
Even though I don’t actually hate anyone or prejudge them based on the color of their skin, their sexual preference, or what God they follow, I am going to describe them however I want when I’m making fun of them.
If that makes me sound like a racist, then you obviously are discriminating against my freedom of speech.
BUT, I do still hate the plastic garbage bag ties.
They have no friends here.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

It Is DEFINITELY Wrong To Beat Up Gay People, Even When They Mess Up Classic Song Lyrics.

I learned something from GLEE last night.
And that is…….Gay’s are people too.
Even if they are racist against people who are prejudice of their lifestyle, and secretly desire to be kissed by straight people, that doesn’t give you the right to shove them into their locker.
I also learned that, Gay’s may be really great singers & dancers, but meshing 2 or more songs into one just messes with everybody’s head and should never be done by anyone.
Gay or straight, leave Stairway to Heaven alone.
You might think I’m prejudice for saying all this, and you might be right because you’re gay and like buttsex, which just proves my point.
There is a difference between hating the peterpuffing and hating the peterpuffer.
And CLEARLY that difference is “ing” and “er”. DUH!
I don’t hate gays anymore than I hate midgets, illegal Mexicans, or those little plastic garbage-bag ties they use to secure toys in the packaging.
Their all equal in my eyes.
It’s the actions that I have a problem with.
Whether you say you were “born that way” or “made that way”, it doesn’t matter to me.
Nature may have dealt you a shitty hand, but it’s up to you what kind of strip-poker you play.
Midgets are born small, and yet they choose to wrestle or scare people with their freakish stature and tiny hands.
Mexicans are born south of the border, and they choose to sneak across illegally in the back of a truck packed 60 deep.
Plastic garbage bag ties are born to tie garbage bags, and yet they choose to make Christmas and birthdays hell by holding toys hostage in their packaging…..Wirey little criminals.
My point is, have your pride parades and civil unions and keen fashion sense and musical/dancing ability all you want, but don’t go messing with the lyrics to a classic song.
Unless you like being pushed into lockers.


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