Friday Funnies....

Make sure you go over and meet Travis' lovely bride. She's featured in his post titled Meet The Missus.

Now that I got that shameless plug out of the way.......

So, turns out my mother-in-law has been reading the Funnies. After all these years, she just NOW decided I was funny.......I wonder if that means there's hope that someday my wife will too...........In fact, the mother-in-law even gave me permission to use her and her family as comedic fodder......Most son-in-laws would jump all over that.....But not I.
See, even though her family is pretty dysfunctional and filled with odd characters.....it's not all that funny......it's actually kind of sad..............Plus, I prefer to make fun of her in person.

There's also that little thing about being married to her daughter.......


I think my baby has given me her head cold.........If she wasn't so cute (and if her mother wouldn't kill me), she might have woken up in a basket on some stranger's porch today.
Thank God for Benadryl & Pseudophed............However, thanks to the Meth heads, it's easier to buy Meth than it is Pseudophed.....Stupid Meth Heads!.....Always buying or stealing the good pseudophed so that now it's behind the pharmacy counter. Then I have to go back there, because you DON'T want that new fake pseudophed on the shelf cause it works as good as rabbit pellets, and show my license to the Pharmacist while having them wonder if I'm using it to make Meth, and be told that I can only buy so much a week..........This is why I laugh when a Meth head blows themselves up in some motel lab......Ha!.......More pseudophed for me, yeah!


I found a new ant mound in the yard by the house yesterday. I hate ants!...They're right beneath spiders and bees, but before flies, on my squish list.....Anyway, I'm out of Bug stuff....so I grab the only things I had handy.....Tilex and Windex.....I poured that on those little bastages dirt-house...............I figure, anything with an "X" in it's name is BADASS!

My mom has now sided with my wife in proclaiming my posts mean......Thanks mom!.......Now I know why dad left!..............(kidding)

Okay.......story time

If there was one episode in my life that I could go back and change........The only one that comes to mind is my marriage proposal.......I mean yeah, I could go back and change other things, like the time I shoved our oldest boy's head in his plate of ketchup. He may have cried, but I thought it was HILARIOUS!.......Or maybe I would have never started chewing, but then I would have just been rich with great dental hygiene, and who honestly wants that?..........No, it would be my marriage proposal.
At that time, I was in the Navy stationed in Memphis, TN and working in a hospital at a Navy airbase. My wife, who was my High School sweetheart, had come down there for college to be near me....I had known she was "the one" since we first met, and had even given her a promise ring....While we were in Memphis, we went ring shopping and picked out a really cool Trio set (I paid for hers, she paid for mine...you know...the one I lost)....Anyway, her set came with this tiny little diamond, which I just wasn't happy with. So I went to a diamond sale at Zales, and picked out a really nice Pear-cut loose diamond that was almost perfect in the 4 C's, and was almost a half carrot. It cost me over $1800 (in 1995 dollars), but let's face it.....I was in the Navy....living and eating on base.....so basically, my entire checks were beer money.....I would just cut back on the partying for a couple months and the stone would be paid for. I had it mounted on her set, which took about six-weeks cause jewelers are nothing, if not slow thieves....
Then, I started planning the moment....I mean, yeah, she knew it was coming, but not when or how.....And she knew I was gonna make it a big event, cause that's how I roll.......So I get it all laid out....Nice dinner at a fancy restaurant in Memphis, followed by flowers and a carriage ride through downtown, where I would pop the question while we sipped on champagne....Perfect right?.......WRONG!
This is how it happened.......weeks had past......A real good friend and fellow sailor was getting married and we were to be in the wedding.....It was a very lovely outdoor redneck-like occasion (afterall, we were on the border between Tennessee & Arkansas....which was where the bride was from). Anyway, we head back to their apartment on base for the reception....There's beer......Lot's of beer....For some reason, I called the jewelry store to check on the ring. IT WAS FINALLY DONE! I was like a kid on Christmas morning. I convinced the new groom to take me right then to get it. After we got back, I found myself out back sitting on some steps with the new bride talking about my pending engagement and showing off the ring. She tells me I should ask my lady then and there. You know, love was in the air, weddings were the theme, it all makes sense (especially when you're pretty drunk)......I was a bit hesitant, cause I had a grand plan. But, I also pride myself on being spontaneous.....That was it....I was going to do it.......The bride said I should get my lady away from everyone else and just do it......GREAT!...but where....we were in a base apartment that was full of drunk wedding people (except my soon-to-be wife....<---tea-totaller). The only place I could go was upstairs.....I invited her upstairs...She said "No", cause she was suspicious.....So I go upstairs to the bathroom to stratemagize.....I start to panic....I yell "Liz! Come up here!" She says, "No!"....I can hear the bride and others goading her to come up......I say, "PLEASE!".....She says, "WHY!".......I'm at a loss......I can't propose from the other room.....So I yell the first thing that comes to my tiny mind........."I NEED YOUR HELP".......and then........"MY ZIPPER'S STUCK!"..........yep........that was me(<-----loser).........
She comes up finally, and I get on one knee and do it right there in an upstairs bathroom of a military base apartment..........No carriage ride....No flowers......No fancy dinner........ She was reluctant to say yes, but did so cause she probably thought that if she said something other than yes, I might never ask again..........which would probably have been a good thing for her, but still.
Oh boy, was she pissed though......Believe that.......In fact, for the longest time afterwards, and still occasionally, when I would ask for her help on something she would say,........"What's the matter? Is your zipper stuck?!"

Open wound. Pour in salt.