Thursday, January 13, 2011

Being Lazy With Your Speech Causes Your Spouse To Question Your Sexuality.

Midwesterners have accents too.
Granted they aren’t as noticeable as southerners. Or even Northerners (I’m looking at you Minnesota).
Nor as famous as New Englanders accents, like in Boston or New Jersey.
But we still have a slight accent.
It shows up in how we get lazy with some words.
Mainly words that end in “-ing”.
We are a lazy and laid back group, when it comes to speech.
So we might turn rolling into rollin, or washing into washin, or running into runnin, or acting into actin…etc.
I think you see my point.
USUALLY, this doesn’t affect the meaning of the words.
Until I was telling my wife about the tangerine I had at work and the accident it caused.
Like such…
“I was eatin it. And it was really fresh seemin. And the juice shot in my eye.”

"Seeming" without the "g" on the end, just isn't the same.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Never Trust Something That Bleeds THIS Much And Doesn't Die.

We recently ordered some items for our outpatient clinics.

One item was some tampon dispensers for the ladies restrooms.
Now, I’m not real familiar with tampons, but…

                            If your riding the white pony that comes out of THIS stable…

                well…….let’s just say you’ve jockeyed a few too many Derby winners.
Seriously ladies!
Flow much?
Geez, what sizes do tampons come in…………..small, medium, and Hoover Dam?

Each box only contains ONE dispenser.
Therefore, each dispenser must be able to hold...... approx 50.......COKE BOTTLE-SIZED tampons.
That guess is just a ballpark.
Much like your nether regions....if you’re able to use whatever comes out of this thing.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Nick Jr. Is Trying To Internationally Mind Rape Our Children...

Here’s some thoughts I had while watching Nick Jr. with my 2 yr old:
On Dora-
Where are this kid's parents?
She’s out there running around the jungle all day with some snowboot-wearing talking monkey, and NO supervision!
Guess they don’t have CPS down there.
And why snow boots?
If you live in the jungle, do you really need SNOW boots?
Wouldn’t jungle boots be better?
I bet that monkey’s feet really stink.
Are they called feet?
Maybe it’s feet hands?
Hand feet?
Lower hands?
Regardless, they stink.
You can’t wear boots that much and not have smelly pigs.
Seriously, who sends their kid out to play in the jungle with only a monkey and a talking backpack?
I’m sorry, but that map is a piece of shit.
Just like it’s intro song……Lyrics much?
Geez. If my map said the easiest way to get to the Candy Castle was to climb the Tallest Mountain, I’d cut to the chase and go ahead and saw my arm off.
Oh great, now she’s teaching my toddler Mexican again!
Listen senorita, this kid has enough trouble learning to speak American.
She doesn’t need you filling her head with your Adios and Mucho Gracias.

On Ni Hao Kai-Lan -
Oh look, more foreigners on TV.
Did she just call that old man her Yo-yo?
What’s that? Like Chinese for Pedophile?
Did she just teach my kid to say “shit”?
OH, Shui. …Guess that’s how you say “snow” in Chinese.
Still sounds like “sheeit.”

On Go, Diego,Go! -
Here’s a shocker…. Dora’s cousin running around the jungle and playing with wild animals.
Who would have guessed?
I wonder if it’s a cultural difference, or if that family just has really sucky parenting skills.
Look kid, maybe Baby Jaguar keeps getting lost because you have terrible role models at home.
Maybe he’s not actually “lost”, but running away, because you’re a freak who likes keeping dangerous wild animals captive.

On Fresh Beat Band -
So these are the kids who didn’t make the cut for GLEE.
I bet they hate their life.
Probably keep dancing in circles, singing the same songs, and thinking that one day…their Disney ship will come.
Which is probably what their future holds….Performing on a cruise ship somewhere.

On BackYardigans -
WTF is this?

On Yo Gabba Gabba -
How did they manage to talk a brother into wearing that orange leotard?
What the heck are these things?
3 ugly monsters, a broken down robot, and something you’d find in an adult bookstore?

That’s IT!
We’re going back to PBS.
At least they have educational shows with decent lyrics in their title songs.
Like Sesame Street. And Clifford. And Between The Lions.
And none of the foreign stuff either.
They show good ole American shows like Teletubbies and The Wiggles.
Wait, what?

*Disclaimer-I'm not really a racist. I just play one on Nick Jr.*

Monday, January 3, 2011

First Post Of The New Year And It's An A La Carte Post

First, let me say...

What is the deal with everything taking AAA batteries now?

I believe it’s a conspiracy between battery and toy manufacturers to drive up sales of AAA batteries, which for years have been neglected for their beefier cousins, the AA.  

It’s like they said, “Now that everybody is fully vested in AA’s, and may have even gone so far as buying rechargeable AA’s with several chargers, we’ll switch things up a bit.”

It’s also not cool that AAA batteries typically come in packs of 2 or 4, but most toys require 3 or 5.

They obviously got this sales ploy from the hot dogs and buns manufacturers.


I used to think working for the government was AWESOME because we got 10 paid holidays a year.
Then I spent 2  3-day weekends in a row with my kids. 
Work IS my vacation.
I took the kids to Chuck-E-Cheese’s over the weekend.
(If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, you know how that went.)
We were smart enough to skip eating the crappy Flu pizza they serve there and just went for the games and overhyped plastic junk prizes. 
For lunch, we stopped at Long John’s on the way.
It was the nastiest place I’ve been in since your mom.
There were tons of homeless-looking people in there who smelled and were visibly dirty with barely fitting clothes.
And that was just us.
There was trash and food everywhere too.
 Evidently they deep-fried the janitor.
We may have missed the Flu pizza at Chuck-E-Cheese’s, but we were served a healthy dose of plague Flounder at Long Johns.
And I’m pretty sure it was Ass Day at L.J.’s too.
I saw some of the BIGGEST asses I have ever seen in my life. Your mom included.
I’m talking Shelf-like asses.
Like they could have been servers and carried trays back there.
One lady had on brown pants and bent over in front of me. I assume she had dropped a deep-fried crispy  and it was running for its life.
I felt like I was about to be backed over by a UPS truck.
We made it to Chuck-E-Cheese's finally, where my 6 yr old proceeded to hit, not once but TWICE, the 150 ticket jackpot. After that, he was followed around by Chuckie Security who suspected him of cheating.
Which worked as a great distraction, as I tried hip bumping a coin machine that the wife had dumped tons of tokens into to see if I could get the pile that were precariously balanced on the edge to drop, thereby releasing a tidalwave of tickets.
The only thing I managed to do was set off an alarm and run away quickly.
The 6 yr olds tally was 390 tickets. Which the girl at the prize counter said qualified him to choose any prize in the glass case, or any of the $1.99 prizes on the wall.
$1.99 PRIZES?!?!
For 390 tickets?!?!
Since he started out about 40 tokens, which Chuckie charges about $0.25 for individually, that means he spent 10 dollars for a $1.99 prize.
And $8.01 for fun.
I'm not a Math Expert, but Chuckie is screwing my kid.
I was informed over the weekend that I've been mispronouncing Snooki's name.
Seems her moniker is pronounced "Snuck-E".
I say this makes her even MORE retarded because Charlie Brown didn't call his dog "Snuppie".


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