Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Wednesdays....Welcomes, WYR, and Whatnot...

Geez......Eleven new followers!......I haven't felt this kind of pressure since my wedding night.........................Like I said then, "I'll try to keep this short and sweet."....................I should have said, "This will be over before you know what hit you."

I'm totally kidding........The wife is soooooo going to kill me for that.

Okay, then...moving on......It's another (WYR)Would You Rather Wednesday.....brought to you by the fine folks at Maxie......Make sure you visit her pad.............does that sound weird?

Would you rather.....

Be tied to a chair and forced to listen nonstop to the Aflac duck for a week straight.....

OR

Have bamboo shivs shoved under your fingernails and toenails......

Your choice.

I was going to save this for a TMI post, but since I've probably already pissed off the wife, why drag it out when I can take my punishment all at once......
(that's a lie, she totally gave me permission to share this.......I'm crazy but not stupid....and would like to remain married)
Here goes:
(Stop reading here, mom!)
It's normal to fart during lovemaking, right? Things are moving. Exposed. Maybe open to the air around you. Maybe some of that air is drawn in. Well......(I warned you mom........and pastor David)
So, early in our relationship, the missus and I were engaged in...........delecto Horizontus sexus.....(I just made that up.......it's Latin for Da Nasty).
Anyway, I feel a pressure in my lower bowls. (This was still early enough in our relationship when we had the courtesy to not pass gas in front of each other. My how times change. But I digress). Back to the pressure........It's a big one coming......I can tell, and I begin to panic.......*screeching tires*....complete stop.........vice-like sphincter clampage.......My wife, luckily, notices I've stopped, and a look of concern begins to spread across her face.......I realize I won't be able to contain said sexytime flatulence......so I do the only thing I can.....I try to mask it.......I gaze longingly into her eyes and say..."I loooooooovvvvvveeeee Yooooouuuuuuu!".......only....I miss judged the size of the bomb........so it come out like this.........(simultaneously while farting in the background) "I Looooovvvvveeeeee Yooooouuuuuu!"*riiippp*<---(leftover farting noise)............Damn......so close.....missed judged the length by a second or two.......There's still hope........maybe she didn't notice.......
WRONG!
She bursts out laughing.......I'm embarrassed......I'm worried sexytime is over.......but, it turned out to be a memorable experience in that......for the longest time, and occasionally still, we end our I Love You's with farting noises.

Like recently, we were on date night at Arby's (cause I'm a romantic), and while eating.....the wife looks at me and with a mouth full of roast beef sandwich.....says, "Will you get me some napkins?".......I say, "Sure" and get up to get my lovely wife some napkins. When I get about 10 feet from the table, I hear a distinct "Rrrriiiiiippppp!".....*cue tire screech*.......I spin around in shock......My wife has a mortified look on her face.......I say, "You just farted. You got rid of me so you could let one go.".....She said, "It wasn't me! It was this bench!"........since my wife is a saint and doesn't lie, I had no choice but to believe her. But when I got back to the table with the napkins, I gave her the............."I Looovvveee Yooouuu! *Rriiipp*".

20 comments:

GingerMandy said...

you are CHARMING.

and the bamboo chutes. totally. any day.

Daffy said...

I'm laughing so hard I don't think I'll be able to finish my lunch! Doritos sucked into the nose through the back of the throat because said eater is also a snorter is SO an appetite killer!

I can't even believe I'm going to admit being able to relate. BUT I can... great post today!

adrienzgirl said...

Ok...so now that I have regained my composure, wiped away the tears that were streaming down my face, and checked with the husband to make sure what I am about to share is o.k. I can leave this remark. One night after some sexytime foreplay, the hubs rolls on his side, looks at me and says, and I quote, "Just ignore this!" RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPP

Said sexytime ended abruptly, not because I was offended by the *RIP*, but both of us promptly left the room to find gas masks. It was awful, worst EVER. We still laugh about the green smoke he left in the room that night!

Thanks for cheering me up today!

Awesome is what you are!! :D

Oh, and I would totally take the freakin' DUCK!

Jeney said...

That is absolutely hysterical!

And I'd take the Aflac duck. Growing up with two younger brothers, I can handle annoyance. I can't handle pain I didn't volunteer for.

Michelle said...

Found you through Cheapskate Mom ... Or Cheesecake Mom...whichever you prefer.

Funny story and funnily, I can relate, too.

I'd take the duck. I don't do pain.

Sally-Sal said...

That was hilarious. And your wife is badass. You married a winner!

Pastor David said...

From the Song of Solomon 3:6.

What is that coming up from the wilderness, like a column of smoke, perfumed with myrrh and frankincense, with all the fragrant powders of the merchant?

Tricia said...

Cant say I've had that problem. However, I do have a friend who tells me her bf consistently passes gas while she is performing *ahem* oral on her.

Tamara aka Cheapskate Mom said...

LOL your Pastor is funny...

Your wife is probably at home wondering what to hurl at you when you walk in the door!

Jennifer said...

Ok first off, I'd have to listen to the aflak duck. I'm not good with pain, but pretty much zone out everything.

2nd I am now going to recemend to my husband that we end our special together time that way every time now. lol

Nomad said...

haha... that duck is soooo annoying. so i think id go with the physical torture.... but if it were between the duck, and the freecreditreport.com idiot i think i would have to go for the duck!

Deborah said...

That was very funny! I would be sooo embarrassed if my husband was blogging this...

Tamara aka Cheapskate Mom said...

Nomad - I love the free credit report guy! I'd let him tie me to a chair and shack up with him for a week...hehe

Travis said...

I'm in for a duck.

What?

Jay Ferris said...

Wait, women fart? Next you're going to try and tell me that they poop too.

And I would take the duck, because you said nothing about me not being able to kill and eat that son of a bitch after the week is up.

Alison said...

I would have to take the duck...I have * kids whats one more voice yelling at me.
And your moment of bad air is a real testiment to your wifes love for you

Ed Adams said...

GingerMandy: Thanks. So is your pic. We Love Lucy around here.

Daffy: Glad you liked the post. And considering your habit of snorting, maybe changing your name to Porky would be a better fit.

adrienzgirl: A very courteous man you have there. And fragrant too. My wife found your comment particularly funny.

Jeney: What's wrong? No bamboo shoots to go with all the Tats. (Wimp)

Michelle: Glad to know there are so many farting women who can relate. That's what you said, right?

Sally-Sal: She won me, didn't she?! She is still a badass though.

Pastor Dave: Ah yes. The good book has my back. Good thing it can't smell.

Tricia: SHE is doing WHAT to HER?! That's more than a BFF!

Tamara: Yes, the man is a real card. A saint too. As for the wife, her exact words when I came in where, "People will know we were married when that happened, right? Cause I don't want people thinking we did that before we were married!"

Jennifer: I recommend everyone end their sexytime with a Fart backed "I love you!". That's true love.

Nomad: I'm with you dude. Bring the pain!

Deborah: I can assure you of two things.#1 My wife is. #2 Your husband probably is just telling people instead of blogging it.

Tamara(again!): Easy T, the freecreditreport guy isn't even a fireman. I would so buy his album though.

Travis: You do understand that you aren't eating the duck, right?

Jay: Come on dude, you're married. You know the stuff that comes out of ladies down there is far worse than what comes out of us. Also, I'm sure that Aflac's lawyers wouldn't be too happy about you eating their mascot.

Alison: Yes, kids are quite similar to that annoying duck. And every morning I wake up alive is a testament of how much my wife loves me(smell and all), especially after that incident with the pillow, my face, and her.

Now for my choice: The bamboo! The pain would be intense, but would subside within a few hours as endorphins kicked in. I know. I've had wood under my nails before. Plus, I couldn't bare sitting still for that long. I also hate annoying sounds and repetition.

Deeptesh said...

Most hilarious post I've ever read.Man...u have brains.U can't be kidding, right?Wish u saw my blog someday.I'd b soooo glad

www.deepteshpoetry.blogspot.com

Sebastian said...

I was going to say... you sound like some kind of modern-day, Internet-using redneck hick. But then I see you're from the midwest...

Hm...

Must admit, that's very romantic. The kind of thing you'd see in a Hugh Grant rom/com film.

Well, maybe.

Stacie's Madness said...

OMG, THIS IS HILARIOUS...

ah, thanks for the laugh

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