Friday, September 30, 2011

Demotivational Posters: The SUPREME Edition.

Kind of gives new meaning to the song, "You've got a friend in me."

I stole this next image from Pat.

The only good Hores are the ones with their legs sticking straight up. Everyone knows that.

And OF COURSE mom will say no.

I love how the kid dreams. When he is 16 or 20, he'll buy his own Hores.

How awesome is that?

Errr...wait, someone says he meant horses. Nevermind.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Wacky News Wednesday...On Thursday.

That's right, it's a day late. So sue me.
I've had the stomach flu the last couple days.
Cops: Burglar frying bacon caught when owner returns
(MSNBC.COM) A woman who returned to her home found a man inside who was frying bacon on her stove and in possession of several personal items, according to police in suburban St. Louis.
Damon Petty, 36, was charged with burglary after his arrest Tuesday at the home of Kenya Ealy in University City.
Ealy and a female friend had returned to the home and at first were unable to enter when Petty tried to keep the door closed. The two eventually got in and detained him until police arrived.
Ealy said, “He was cooking. Making himself some breakfast.”

Mmmmmm....BACON!!!....nom nom nom nom

Ice Cream Cone Mascot Mistaken for a KKK Member
An ice cream shop in Ocala, Florida thought it would be a clever marketing tactic to have an employee dress up as an ice cream cone and stand out in the parking lot with a sign advertising their goods. Little did they know!
Managers and staffers at the two-month-old Ice Cream Family Corner and Sandwiches say that many townsfolk have avoided their shop because of the ice cream cone man, whom they've mistaken for a Ku Klux Klan
Diaz is from Puerto Rico and had never heard about the KKK until a reporter informed her about the group. The shop owners are named Jose Cantres and Jesus Diaz, which seems to disqualify them from KKK membership. Photographs show that the men who wore the foam ice cream cone costume—which features a hole cut out for the wearer's face to show through—had brown skin. Also, KKK robes don't usually come with sprinkles.

The last line is the BEST!

p.s. You should really google this one and read some of the quotes from the local citizens. Silly Floridians.

"Toe Suck Fairy" arrested on new charges
LITTLE ROCK, Ark (Reuters) - A man known in Arkansas as the "Toe Suck Fairy" for a series of 1990s assaults directed at women's feet was arrested after he struck again more than a decade later, police said.
Michael Robert Wyatt, 50, was arrested on Monday after two women identified him from a photo line-up as "the man who approached them in local stores commenting on their feet and asking to suck their toes," said LaTresha Woodruff, spokeswoman for the Conway Police Department.
One of the women described the man as having "really messed up toes."
Earlier in the month an 83-year-old woman told police she was sitting in a chair in front of her apartment when a man approached her. He took off one of her shoes and began sucking her toes, police said.
In the 1990s, Wyatt was convicted and even served time in prison for his obsession.
He had pretended to be a podiatrist in order to fondle and suck a Conway, Arkansas, woman's toes at a clothing store.
And, he was convicted in 1991 of making threats for telling a convenience store clerk that he wanted to cut off her feet and suck her toes while she bled to death. For that, he was sentence to four years in state prison, but served just over a year.
In 1999, Wyatt was arrested again, police said, after asking a woman in a northwest Arkansas Walmart if she wanted him to amputate her feet and showing her pictures of women with no feet.
Wyatt was picked up at his home in Vilonia, about 15 miles from Conway, where three incidents have been reported in the past few weeks. Conway is about 30 miles north of Little Rock.

I bet he could really use a Tic-Tac.

Teacher's Aide Accused Of Taping Child's Mouth Shut

A paraprofessional at Whitehead Road Elementary School in Athens, Ga. was put on leave after putting clear packaging tape over a girl's mouth to prevent her from talking, WXIA-TV reported.
According to reports, the aide put the tape on the student's mouth near the end of the Wednesday school day at around 2:25 p.m. because the child would not quiet down.
Although the little girl pulled the tape off within seconds, the classroom teacher reported the incident to school administrators.
School officials informed the child's parents of what had happened and the disciplinary actions they took.

Come on, who HASN'T wanted to do this?

Police: Iowa Woman Attacks Boyfriend After He Turns Her Down for Sex

Police say the Iowa City woman damaged her home and punched her boyfriend after he turned her down for sex.
Police say an Iowa City woman didn't react well to being told "no" Monday evening.
According to criminal complaints, Melissa Barbara Minarsich, 28, was accused of second-offense domestic abuse assault, an aggravated misdemeanor, for punching her boyfriend with whom she has an 8-month-old child. Minarsich was convicted of domestic abuse in 2009 as well
Police say they arrived at 10:24 p.m. at 131 Taft Speedway for a report of a woman who was out of control. Officers say they met the caller, Minarsich's boyfriend, at the scene, and he told them that she had damaged the outside of the house and hit him several times after he refused to have sex with her. He told police that despite being hit he was not injured.
Officers say then they spoke to Minarsich, who was still at the scene, and that she appeared intoxicated, strongly smelling of alcohol and having slurred speech. Police say Minarsich conceded that she had been in a fight with her boyfriend due to his refusal of sex.
"All I want is a piece of (expletive), is that too much to ask for?" she told police, according to the complaint.

To answer her questions, I think we can all agree, NO, no it's not too much to ask.

And lastly, I am posting this one in it's entirety. It's sad.

I hope they fire those cops.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Demotivational Posters: The Motherload! AND Caption This!

I'm not completely happy with the captions on some of these posters.

Mainly, I just posted some cause I thought the pictures were funny.

See if you can come up with some better captions in the comments section.

The resemblence is STRIKING! Of course, it also kind of looks like he's cupping a giant testicle.

And since everybody loved my last model poster, here's a few more.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Wacky Weird News Wednesdays: You WILL Read This!

As always, my comments in BLUE.
Sperm Bank Refusing Redhead Donors
(AP) DENMARK – In a classic case of supply and demand, the world’s largest sperm bank is no longer taking donation from redheads.
Cryos in Denmark has reached its capacity of 70 liters of semen (!!!) and a waiting list of 600 donors (Gingers: Always willing to lend a hand.) – so it can afford to pick and choose.
Director Ole Schou said, “There are too many redheads in relation to demand. I do not think you choose a redhead, unless the partner- for example, the sterile male-has red hair, or because the lone woman has a preference for redheads. And that’s perhaps not so many, especially in the latter case. (Haha)  The demand for redheads mainly comes from Ireland, where it sales like hot cakes.”

Nobody wants Ginger seed? Except other Gingers?

::sarcastic smirk::

Sorry Travis.

Armed robber asked for his coat back after bungled raid
(Daily Mirror) England - A FASHION-conscious armed robber bungled a shop raid – then returned to the scene of the crime to ask for his coat back.
Dopey gunman Anthony Gorman, 21, fled empty-handed after shopkeeper Michael Singh bravely fought off his robbery attempt.
But a few minutes later he went back to politely ask for his favourite £200 grey jacket, only for Mr Singh, 29, still shaken from having a gun pointed at his neck, to say: “Are you stupid? No, you can’t have it – get out.”

This is why you don't wear your good jacket when commiting a felony.

Triple axe killer Thomas McCulloch is let out of prison to chop down trees
(Daily Mirror) London - A TRIPLE axe murderer has been let loose in public – to chop down trees.
Thomas McCulloch completed a course at a nature reserve, where he helped clear a pathway by cutting trees and shrubs.
McCulloch and his gay lover Robert Mone butchered a nurse, a patient and a policeman at the State Hospital, Carstairs, South Lanarks, in 1976.
A prison source said: “He may be old now but there is evidence he is still a very dangerous man.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea to let a murderer like McCulloch near sharp implements like axes.” (You think?)
McCulloch, 63, on a life sentence, has been locked up for more than 40 years but has recently been allowed trips away from his open prison in Angus.

It is about time the prison system started making good use of a person's skillset.

Couple Accused of Stealing Millions Intended for Preschoolers’ Meals
(NY TIMES) NEW YORK - A Staten Island couple stole at least $2.5 million in federal funds meant for nutritious meals for preschoolers, prosecutors asserted in a criminal complaint unsealed on Friday.
The complaint accused the couple, Joanna Fan and her husband, Ziming Shen, of siphoning money over five years from accounts at the nonprofit Red Apple Child Development Center preschool chain, of which Ms. Fan, also known as Xiao Ping, is the executive director. The complaint accused the couple of using the money to make mortgage payments on several Manhattan condominiums and to benefit their private business interests, which include Preschool of America Inc., a chain of about a dozen for-profit preschools in Manhattan, Brooklyn and Queens.
The charge, theft from programs receiving federal funds, is punishable by up to 10 years in prison and a fine, said Robert Nardoza, a spokesman for the United States attorney for the Eastern District of New York. “As alleged in the complaint, this amounts to one of the largest lunch money thefts in history,” Mr. Nardoza said.

This is what happens to Childhood Bullies when they grow up.
ESPECIALLY if they are named after dropped silverware.

Kindergartener brings crack pipe, meth for show-and-tell

ST. LOUIS (Reuters) - A kindergartener in rural Sweet Springs, Missouri, brought a bag of crystal meth and a crack pipe to school for show-and-tell, but an alert teacher kept the boy from sharing his treasure with others at the school, an official said on Tuesday.
"He was very excited when he got to school," Superintendent Donna Wright said of the September 6 incident. "But I don't think he knew what he had."
A teacher recognized the drugs and pipe and police were called to the elementary school. "It didn't ever get into the classroom," Wright added.
"That was a first for show-and-tell in this town," Police Chief Richard Downing said. He added that the boy's mother, Michelle Cheatham, 32, was arrested later on drug charges and released on bail.
"It was shocking," Wright said. "We're not experienced with dealing with this."
The town, located 66 miles east of Kansas City on the Blackwater River, has 1,500 residents and about 425 students in its school system.

There are two things we can learn from this young man's example:
1.You don't Bogart that shit!
2. If you bring it to class, you better have enough for EVERYONE!

University forgets to tell students that professor died months ago

PHILADELPHIA (AP) — University of Pennsylvania students who were puzzled by a no-show professor later found out why he missed the first day of class: He died months ago.
The students were waiting for Henry Teune (TOO'-nee) to teach a political science class at the Ivy League school in Philadelphia on Sept. 13.
University officials say that about an hour after the class's start time, an administrator notified students by email that Teune had died. The email apologized for not having canceled the class.
Penn junior Mallika Vinekar was among those who waited. She tells the student newspaper The Daily Pennsylvanian that they just figured he was late.
Teune died in April at the age of 75.

Death is NO EXCUSE for being TARDY at UPENN.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The One Where I Give AT&T The Business

Recently, I had the pleasure of dealing with a Customer Service Rep for AT&T via chat.
It went something like this:
Christine M.: Thank you for choosing AT&T Premier. You are a valued customer! How may I assist you today?
Me: Blah, blah, blah. Well, for starters, you can quit blowing smoke up my ass. It makes it hard for the gerbil to breathe.
Christine M.: Did you have a specific question about devices or plans today?
Me: Well, I don’t know if you’d call it a ‘specific’ question. It more of a ‘WTF ARE ALL THESE ADD ON CHARGES AND CHEESE&RICE I JUST WANT TO UPGRADE MY PHONE NOT EARN A DOCTORATE IN ACCOUNTING’ type situation.
Christine M.: So that I may better assist you, can you verify the FULL NAME and Last Four numbers of the primary account holder’s social security number? Or even your account passcode?
Me: Suuuurrrreee! And why don’t I co-sign for that new car for you while I’m at it?!
Christine M.: Sir, it will allow me to access your account to better assist you.
Me: Whatever you say, ‘Christine M.’ I bet the ‘M’ stands for Madoff. Say ‘Hi’ to your dad Bernie for me.
Christine M.: If you won’t allow me to access you’re account, I’m not sure that I can assist you today.
Me: There’s no reason to get testy, Christine. Geesh! Whatever happened to the customer is always right and handsomely good-looking?
Christine M.: ….
Me: Fine. Here’s my info (xxxxgives infoxxxx). If you steal my identity, I will find you!
Christine M.: Thank you, Sir. Please wait while I pull up your account.
Christine M.: Okay, I see you currently have 3 lines on the (overpricedfamily) plan with (hardlyany) minutes, and (useless) added features.  And your current devices are (morecellphonewords). Is that correct?
Me: Sorry, I feel asleep during that last part. Last I heard, you were going to pull something up, and then my mind started to wonder. Never mind about what, you perv. Just get on with the cellphone stuff.
Christine M.: You originally said you wanted to upgrade your current device, right?
Me: That’s why I called you…through chat.
Christine M.: Okay. Go here and do this and this and that and this and look at this and select that and click on this and you’ll see your options.
Me: I’m already there. That’s the page I’ve been on.
Christine M.: Okay. Once you select the device you want, do this and this and that.
Me: I’ve done that. Here’s my issue…
Christine M.: Okay. Well, if you don’t see what you want there, you can click on the more options tab at the top.
Me: Would you hold on a freakin’ second? Damn, speedracer! You might want to switch to Decaf!
Me: As I was saying, I need a new phone, but I don’t want a refurb…
Christine M.: You can click the NEW box to eliminate the refurb phones.
Me:  I’ve done that already. I wasn’t finished with my question yet!
Me: I currently have unlimited data/text, but not a smart phone. All the good (NEW) phones are smart phones. I don’t want to add an extra $50 a month to my plan just for a smart phone…
Christine M.: There are non-smartphones available, but most are refurbs. However, if you switch to smart phones, you’ll have a lot more options.
Me: I’m seriously going to crawl through this screen and unplug your keyboard! Quit telling me shit I already know! I’m saying I don’t want to increase my bill another $50 a phone just for a ‘smartphone’ when I already have unlimited data & text.
Christine M.: The smartphone option would only add $15 for each phone to your plan. Plus it replaces your current data plan. So really, it would only change your bill about $10.
Me: Okay, fuzzy math lady, price me out a plan similar to the one I have: 3 lines, 700 minutes shared family plan, with unlimited text, but with smart phones for me and the wife, and a real basic phone for the kiddo.
Christine M.: I am sorry, Sir, but we don’t quote pricing online. If you would like information on pricing, you can call (1-800-ATT-LAME) Mon-Sat between the hours of (Noon and Never).
Ed: L
Ed: CHRISTINE! Seriously! You are NO HELP!
Christine M: I’m sorry Sir. I really wish I could help, but they don’t allow us to give out pricing information online. I can only assist you in navigating the Premier site.
Ed: I’m not some old lady who needs a Boy Scout to cross the damn road! I swear, I am this--->[__] close to going back to using tin cans and a string. If it wasn’t for the increase in string prices and the lawsuits for clothes-lining people, I already would have.
Christine M.: I’m sorry Sir. Is there anything I can help you with today?
Ed: You tell me, because so far it doesn’t seem like it. Any recommendations? Other than calling someone else?
Christine M.: I truly am sorry Sir.
Ed: Don’t be. I was just giving you a hard time. You’ve been great. Thanks for your time and info. You have a great day.
Christine M.: You too, Sir.

See how I brought it home there at the end? A pleasant closing ALWAYS makes up for being a dick. It's the law. Or Science. Something like that.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Wacky Weird News Wednesday: Full Of Wieners

It's been kind of slow on the Odd News Front.

Woman bites elderly man in "vampire" attack
ST. PETERSBURG, Florida (Reuters) - Milton Ellis, 69, told police in St. Petersburg, Florida, that he and Josephine Smith, 22, met on the street and went to the porch of a vacant restaurant to get out of the rain. He said he fell asleep in his motorized wheelchair and woke up to find Smith on top of him.
Ellis told authorities that she said, "I'm a vampire. I am going to eat you" and then began to bite him.
According to a police affidavit, Ellis was bitten on his arm and lips, leaving him bloody before he was able to escape and call police. He was later treated with stitches at a local hospital and released.
After arriving at the scene, police said they found Smith bloody and half-naked nearby, but that she had no memory of what happened and did not identify herself as a vampire, St. Petersburg Police spokesman Mike Puetz said.
Smith, who was arrested early on Thursday, is currently being held in detention with bail set at $50,000.

First, if she was "on top of him" AND he was in a motorized wheelchair, how exactly did he get away? Wouldn't she have driven off with him?

Second, if she was 22, sitting on top of him AND half naked, WHY did he leave?

Ordinance would cover naked bottoms

OAKLAND (Reuters) - In the San Francisco Bay area where tolerance is king, it is a rare politician willing to clamp down on citizens who let it all hang out.
But San Francisco Supervisor Scott Wiener (OMG! Hahaha...seriously? Dude's name is Wiener?)stepped into that position earlier this week when he introduced an ordinance that would require nudists to cover their seats in public places and wear clothes in restaurants.
Public nudity, he explains, is legal in San Francisco and in recent years a group known informally as Naked Guys have shown unbridled enthusiasm for appearing in the nude.
"I see it pretty regularly (I bet you do, Mr. Wiener!), and unfortunately there are nudists who are not doing what they should," Wiener told Reuters.
The nudists, who expose themselves most often in the city's famous gay neighborhood, the Castro District, have got Wiener and others worrying about public health.
"I'm not a health expert, but I believe sitting nude in a public place is not sanitary," he said. "Would you want to sit on a seat where someone had been sitting naked? I think most people would say, 'No.'"
Wiener, who represents the Castro neighborhood, said he hears from merchants who fear the public displays may drive away customers, hurting the business' bottom lines.
That's particularly true in restaurants. He acknowledged that he has not seen any research establishing a health risk. "But when you have your orifices exposed in an eating establishment, a lot of people don't like it," he said.
California does have legislation against indecent exposure. But the law is lenient enough that it has barely affected San Francisco's current coterie of flaunters.
Weiner's proposed ordinance will next be assigned to a committee, and Wiener expects a public hearing within months. Clothing required. (Love that last line)

Should we expect anything less from San Fran?

Appearance of Hot Dog Man statue mystifies police

COUNCIL BLUFFS, Iowa (AP) — A Hot Dog Man statue that suddenly appeared in one Iowa town has mystified police, who would relish information about it.
The Daily Nonpareil in Council Bluffs reported that a concerned citizen called police there last week to report a man in a hot dog costume near a bus stop where children congregate.
When officers arrived, they found the man was actually a 6-foot tall statue, with spindly legs and a pair of high-top sneakers. Its hands are missing and a U.S. flag is draped across its back.
The statue has been spotted elsewhere in the city, but police Capt. Terry LeMaster says no one knows anything about it or where it came from. It is being stored at the police department until someone claims it.

I love how it "has been spotted elsewhere in the city".

SUDDENLY....Random Hot Dog Statue Man!

That's funny.

Fare of the Day: Los Angeles to Moscow $666 RT including all taxes

Fly from Los Angeles to Moscow for $666 round-trip, including all taxes, on Delta.

Seems about right for flying to and from Hell.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Crazy People Doing Stupid Things Make Me Laugh

 Everybody knows you don't be messin with a crazy Kung Fu person.

From my own state, no less. We grow our crazy HUGE here. Just like our corn.

And finally...

Saturday, September 10, 2011

The Day The World Stood Still: 9/11 Remembered

I normally try to keep things light and funny around here.

There's enough sadness and realness in the world on a regular basis, that I wanted this place to be an escape.

But given it's the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, it only seems fitting to do a tribute of sorts.

My youngest son wanted to have a 9/11 "party/celebration"  or even a "re-enactment" in remembrance. My wife tried to explain that 9/11 was very tragic and many people lost their lives or lost loved ones, and its not something that you celebrate or re-enact.

Being the smart little cookie that he is, he wanted to know why then people re-enact the Civil War or War of 1812, when those were also dark tragic times in America's history.

It makes you think, why is it we chose to have remembrance services for 9/11? What is it that we want our kids to take away from it? Why is it important to teach them about it?

It's an important part of American history, just like the attack on Pearl Harbour. Some might say even more so, because the loss of life was greater, involved mostly innocent civilians, and occurred during peacetime. But without regular remembrances, 9/11 will become like our generations Pearl Harbour, mostly forgotten by those in the next generation who aren't history buffs. Be honest, when was the last year you stopped for a moment of silence for the victims of Pearl Harbor? Most people who aren't of the WWII generation can't even recall the exact date it occurred.

Humans have a way of forgetting the past, especially when it's painful. This opens the possibility of history repeating itself, often because of our complacency. That's partly what left us to be so susceptible to the 9/11 attacks. We thought America was protected by our being surround by oceans and two friendly countries. It's the same attitude people had prior to Pearl Harbour. Although we are now friends and alias with Japan, terrorism is still a very real threat.

It also makes it easier for revisionists to rewrite history in a more pleasant light. There are already those who are trying to say the Holocaust never happened.

Not only is it important to remember so that we never forget, by it is also important so that we acknowledge all the ordinary citizens who stepped up during that terrible time and acted in heroic ways. The passengers of flight 93 are only one of many examples that occurred. Anybody can be a hero by doing what is right, putting others before themselves, and helping where they can.

Here's what I remember from 9/11:

It was a weird time We had just lost or little girl Isabelle on August 21st due to a rare condition, and were still reeling from that. I had left my still emotionally distraught wife at home and went to work at my Medical Assistant job at Muncie Family Practice.

Listening to the radio on the way in, it seemed like a normal day. As I was pulling into the lot, they were begining to report that it appeared a small private plan had crashed into the World Trade Center.

I remember getting out of the car and thinking, "What kind of idiot can't see the GIANT building directly in front of his Cessna?"

Once inside, I started my day of checking in patients, taking vitals, etc. In between, we had a radio on in the nurses station, and more reports were coming in. I could almost sense it. It was clear that it was not an accident. The news people had no clue what the hell was going on. They were reporting EVERYTHING, even rumor and hearsay.

Patients coming in were sharing what they had heard or seen on TV with us. Everyone was just in shock. More like a numb disbelief.

I called my wife to see if she was watching the coverage. She was. She updated me on what she knew.

It was like being in a fog. Everything was hazy. I remember going home and watching all the coverage. Seeing the replays of the planes crashing into the building, shown ad nausea. And of the buildings tumbling down. We spent weeks watching the coverage of the cleanup. Rarely was our TV tuned to anything else.

I remember feeling an overwhelming sense that I HAD TO DO SOMETHING. I tried volunteering to go with a group headed to New York to help with the clean up, but they only wanted actual doctors/nurses/psychologists. I tried to re-enlist in the Navy, but was told that I would have to change job fields, as they weren't currently taking any Hospital Corpsmen re-enlistments. And that was IF I could even get them to give me a waiver for my back condition.

I just felt so helpless. Not a feeling I was familiar with. I wanted to do something. Even if it was just moving debris.

Needless to say, watching the nonstop 9/11 coverage so soon after losing our daughter did not do any favors to our mental well-being. But time does heal wounds.

I remember being so proud of our country at the overwhelming show of patriotism that followed in the weeks and months. All the flags. All the people who did help with the clean up. The fundraisers. All the young people who ran to the nearest recruiting station. The Congress actually working together!

9/11 will have lasting effects on my psyche. Much like my grandfathers felt about the "Japs", I will always have a distrust of Muslims. All that talk about Islam being a peaceful religion is BULLSHIT, and if anyone tells you otherwise, they are either a) a Muslim b) not a student of history or c) never read the Koran.

I come from a long line of grudge-holders, and I WILL NEVER FORGET.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

My Wife Is Basically A Drug Dealer

My wife brought this home the other day:

I said, "Holy crap, Honey! You bought a WHOLE POUND of MARY JANE?!?! Geez, I hope we don't get arrested for this."

That's what happens when you buy "grocery" items from Lil Ta'Shaun down on the corner.

 Do you think eating a sandwich will cause me to fail a piss test at work?

P.S. It says "and friends". What's THAT about?

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Wacky Weird News Wednesday: Even More Stupider

Activists catch Yvonne the runaway cow in Germany
BERLIN (Reuters) - German animal rights activists captured a runaway dairy cow named Yvonne on Friday, three months after her escape from the farm where she was to be slaughtered captured nationwide attention.
The bovine had become a media star, with helicopters and infrared used in a search across the southern state of Bavaria after she bolted in front of a police car.
Authorities from Muehldorf, the town near the farm where she broke through an electric fence, had deemed Yvonne a security risk after her encounter with the squad car and had given hunters permission to gun her down.
Activists from the Gut Aiderbichl animal sanctuary had tried to lure Yvonne from a forest where she was holed up with a variety of enticements -- including one of her calves at one point and a breeding bull named Ernst.
Capturing the cow was not easy -- she bucked in the air and required a double dose of tranquilisers when cornered in a field on Friday by a team accompanied by a vet with a blowgun. Now she is in a pen at Gut Aiderbichl.
"In the future she will be out in the fields with the other cows," said farm employee Hans Wintersteller.

Das vill to liff dis strong wiff dis von, yah?

Forgotten mooncakes spark Taiwan station bomb scare

TAIPEI (Reuters) - Police in the southern Taiwan city of Kaohsiung mobilised the bomb squad after a suspicious package was found in a subway station toilet, only to find it contained nothing more dangerous than mooncakes.
A cleaner called police to report the package left on top of a waste bin on Saturday. Part of the station, known for its stained glass ceiling, was cordoned off and explosives experts were called in.
TV pictures showed a police officer in a full protective suit entering the toilet carrying specialist equipment while other officers waited outside with more gear.
The officer then emerged carrying a bright blue cardboard box full of mooncakes, pastries with sweet fillings traditionally eaten at the Mid-Autumn Festival.
"It was x-rayed first to see what it was and whether there was any chemical or electrical reaction," local police station chief Cheng Ming-chung told TV.
"Someone must have put it down to use the toilet and forgotten it when they left," he said, adding that the police would continue to investigate.

5 yen says the evidence "disappears".

Vampire fans to sail off Alaska coast next year

ANCHORAGE, Alaska (Reuters) - Hundreds of vampire enthusiasts will sail Alaska's fabled Inside Passage in a summer 2012 cruise tailored to their interests that combines gazing at glaciers with a late-night costume ball, organizers said on Thursday.
The "Vamps at Sea" cruise is scheduled for late June, which is a time of near-constant daylight in the far north.
"They've got curtains and they can block everything out -- so it can be as dark as we want it," said organizer Linda Wolf, president of Los Angeles-based agency Cruises Cruises Cruises Inc, who is herself a fan of the vampire genre.
The group will sail on a Holland America ship, the Zuiderdam, and will hit the usual ports of call such as Juneau, Glacier Bay and Ketchikan.
But there will be other special features, including a late-night costume ball, a scavenger hunt and a vampire talent show, Wolf said. There is also a literary angle to the cruise, with vampire-genre authors scheduled to speak, including a relative of the late "Dracula" writer Bram Stoker, according to the cruise website.

Of course. Because Vampires LOVE "near-constant daylight".

Do they NOT watch True Blood?!Geesh!


Republican gun raffle in Giffords' county draws criticism

TUCSON, Ariz (Reuters) - The Republican Party in Representative Gabrielle Giffords' home county is raising eyebrows by raffling off a Glock handgun -- the same brand handgun with which Giffords, a Democrat, was shot through the head in January.
"When I first heard about this last week in an email, I said 'That's a joke, a sick joke. Nobody could be doing that,'" said Pima County Democratic Party Chairman Jeff Rogers.
"This is like tearing the scab off a wound. This community is still healing."
The county Republican organization announced the fund-raiser in its online newsletter, Tracks, on August 26.
"Get yourself a new Glock 23 .40 cal handgun for just 10 bucks -- if your name is drawn," the newsletter reads.
A picture of the handgun, being raffled with three 12-round magazines and a case, also appears in the newsletter. The Republicans are selling 125 tickets.
Jared Lee Loughner, 22, who has since been diagnosed with schizophrenia, is charged with shooting Giffords and 18 others with a Glock 19 handgun during a shopping center meet-and-greet January 8.
Six people died in the rampage before bystanders tackled Loughner, preventing him from reloading.

I, for one, like a good sick joke. Hahahaha

Thai Authorities Arrest Man in Apparent Animal Smuggling Case
VOA NEWS- A man was arrested at Thailand's international airport Friday after he was caught trying to smuggle wild animals out of the country.
The man, identified as a citizen of the United Arab Emirates, was trying to board a flight to Dubai when investigators found a baby bear, two leopards, two panthers and at least two monkeys stuffed in his luggage.
The anti-trafficking group FREELAND, whose members were present during the arrest, says the man is believed to be part of a far-reaching animal trafficking network.
Noah? Is that you?
Seriously people, haven't you even heard of a Traveling Zoo?

Logger says cut off toes to free himself

DENVER (Reuters) - A western Colorado logger said on Wednesday that he amputated all the toes on his right foot with a pocket knife to free himself after a 7-ton trailer landed on his foot, trapping him in an isolated forest.
Jon Hutt, 61, of Montrose, Colorado, said he's "on the mend" after the harrowing August 19 incident.
Hutt told Reuters he was gathering a load of firewood for the upcoming winter months in a remote area west of Telluride, Colorado. As he was working on his tractor-trailer, the trailer lurched, became detached and landed on his foot.
"It was like stepping into a bear trap," he said.
Unable to free himself, Hutt said he hollered for help but after 30 minutes realized "no one was coming," and he needed to take drastic action before shock set in.
Utilizing the 3-inch blade on his pocket knife, Hutt cut away his boot and saw that his only option was to cut off all five toes to escape.
"The three smaller toes were easy, but it took some work to cut through the tendons on the two big toes," he said. "Plus, at that point the blade was getting dull."
After the makeshift surgery, Hutt used a shirt as a tourniquet to staunch the bleeding and drove his semi-tractor trailer down a mountain pass until he got into cell phone range.
He then called 911 and an ambulance met him at a reservoir and transported him to an area hospital. Surgeons at Montrose Memorial Hospital could not re-attach the severed digits.
Hospital spokeswoman Leann Tobin said Hutt spent just four days in the facility, and was released on August 22.


Florida lawmaker hands out belts under saggy pants ban

ORLANDO, Fla (Reuters) - A Florida lawmaker is welcoming students back to school by handing out 200 leather belts to help them comply with a new state law that bans saggy pants on campuses.
Democratic State Senator Gary Siplin of Orlando pushed for six years for the so-called Pull Your Pants Up law, and finally got his wish last spring.
The state legislature voted overwhelmingly to enact the ban at the start of the 2011-12 school year, making Florida and Arkansas the only two states with such a widespread prohibition against saggy pants for students.
"We want our kids to believe they're going to college, and part of that is an attitude, and part of that is being dressed professionally," Siplin told Reuters.
The statewide school dress code bucks a fashion trend with roots in prison attire and the rap and hip-hop music community. Siplin, who admits to sporting an Afro and platform shoes in his youth, grew tired of seeing young men wearing their pants so low their underwear was exposed.
He originally sought to criminalize saggy pants, but the current law instead subjects repeat violators to up to three days of in-school suspension and up to 30 days suspension from extracurricular activities. It also targets low-cut and midriff-exposing shirts on girls.
Siplin fought off objections from the American Civil Liberties Union and the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, which contend the law violates personal freedom and unfairly targets minority students.
But Siplin, who is black, said he had received accolades from constituents for his efforts.
"The parents, the grandmothers, the professional people, they say, 'How can they walk down the street showing their behinds?' It's not civilized," he said.
Early Monday, Siplin handed out a dozen belts donated by a local church to students who showed up with droopy drawers at Oak Ridge High School in Orlando. He left another 25 belts with school administrators to hand out as needed.
Siplin said he also gave away about 100 belts at two other largely minority high schools as students arrived last week for their first week of school.
"I'm not going to hire anyone, white or black, with saggy pants," he said. "I want to make sure our kids qualify."

ONLY a black man could get away with this.

My favorite part was when he said, "We want our kids to believe they're going to college", like even he wasn't sure there was really any hope to that.

Police: Pole-Wielding Grandma Hit Driver, Threatened Granddaughter

Channel 6 News-INDIANAPOLIS -- An Indianapolis grandmother was arrested earlier this week after she used a wooden pole as a weapon in a public tirade, police said.
Ethel Baker was arrested Monday in the 3200 block of Ashford Drive, near Girls School Road and 10th Street on the city's west side.
Indianapolis police investigators said Baker told them her teenage granddaughter disrespected her and that she was going to beat her with the pole.
Police said Baker chased her granddaughter outside the home and that her dog was hit by a car during the chase.
Investigators said Baker then went after the driver as he tried to apologize, striking him with the pole.
Baker faces a battery charge.

Madea? Is that you?

From my own state, of course. You don't be messin' wit mah-mah.

Man found butchering cow in Utah driveway

OGDEN, Utah (AP) — Authorities are considering charges after a Utah man was found butchering a cow in his driveway.
The Standard-Examiner of Ogden reports that authorities received a call Sunday afternoon from an Ogden resident who reported a neighbor cutting up a cow in his driveway. The caller told authorities they heard what sounded like a gunshot shortly before the butchering began.
Police say when officers arrived, the man was removing the cow's head. He denied shooting the animal, and told the officers it had been delivered dead.
Prosecutors are now reviewing the case for potential charges, including possible health code violations.

I don't blame him.

Feeding five wives gets expensive.

'Brat Pack' actor Anthony Michael Hall arrested

LOS ANGELES ( - Perhaps Anthony Michael Hall was attempting to re-assert his status as a member of the Brat Pack over Labor Day weekend.
The actor -- perhaps best known for such '80s John Hughes fare as "Sixteen Candles" and "The Breakfast Club" -- was arrested on suspicion of disturbing the peace and taken into custody Monday night, after allegedly engaging in a disturbance at his Playa del Rey, Calif., condominium complex, the Los Angeles Times reports.
The actor, 43, was arrested at approximately 9:50 p.m. after Los Angeles Police Department officers were called to the residence. Hall's neighbor told police that the actor had torn up plants in the common area of the condominium. When confronted, the neighbor claimed, Hall hurled an obscenity and threatened to beat the neighbor "to a pulp."
Hall was transported to the LAPD Pacific Division Jail, where he posted $500 bail and was released.

This could have all been averted if she had just given him her panties.

::shameless 16 candles reference::

Thursday, September 1, 2011

It's Like I'm Fabio's Illegitimate English-Speaking Son!

Most days, I like to ride my bike back to work after lunch.
It gives me some exercise that sitting behind a desk all day doesn’t.
And, with the way gas prices are, it prevents me from having to sell that extra kidney.
There’s this old railroad line that has been converted into a recreational pathway called “The Cardinal Greenway” which runs near my house.
It takes me almost all the way back to work.

Well, through my sunglasses it looks more like this…

It has flowers, trees, wildlife, and no cars. It’s quite lovely and makes for a pleasant ride.

It is also quite close to Indiana Wesleyan University.
Meaning it’s not uncommon to see college girls out jogging.
I appreciate the finer things in life.
One day last week, while returning to work, I encountered a group of hot college girls out jogging.

They, OF COURSE, noticed me and were smitten.  
::stating the obvious:: 

They smiled.

I smiled.
They waved.
Out of NOWHERE….
Something hits me RIGHT.BETWEEN.THE.EYES!!!!
I’m guessing by the force of impact, it looked something like this…

Some kind of flying wombat/pterodactyl /California condor type thingy.
“Ed”, you might say, “You’re not even anywhere close to Australia OR California!”
EXACTLY my point!
These things are ruthless in their endeavor to make me look a fool.
Just like that bird that hit Fabio in the face on that rollercoaster. 

Birds have NO respect for perfection!

“But Ed,” you might add, “pterodactyls went extinct 65 million years ago!”
HA! They said the same thing about the Coelacanth until some Japanese fisherman caught one. Now those things are turning up everywhere. 

Granted, they aren’t hitting people in their faces. But that’s because they are fishes, NOT cool dude-hating birds.

“But Ed,” you might ask, “You said you were just ‘guessing’ it was a wombat/pterodactyl/condor thingy. Do you mean you aren’t sure or you didn’t see it?”
Well, the last thing I remember seeing was this… 

Which is CLEARLY a wombat/pterodactyl/condor hybrid! Case closed!

Regardless, the moment was ruined.
The girls watched as I was assaulted by nature.
I, however, remained calm and rode on like it was nothing more than a tiny gnat.
Because I’m cool like that.
I won’t lie though. That shit HURT.

P.S. I recounted this story for the wife later. She, after laughing uncontrollably for what I thought was an obscenely and offensively long amount of time, said, “THAT is what you GET for smiling at other women! You didn’t know I had wombadactyldors on my payroll, did you?!”
Touche, wife. Touche.


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