My Second Time At Crackers Doing Standup!

To Be Continued...

Nah, the video just got cut off. Here's what you missed me saying:

"..and I called it MyTwitFace.....I posted that joke on Facebook last year, and 3 days later it showed up in Conan O'Brian's monologue...True Story...I was so pissed.....I unfriended him instantly.....After all the times I harvested that guy's farm...Stealing MY shit?!!...That's my time,thanks."

Or something like that.

I was totally freestyling and flying off the cuff. I typically do better on my feet without scripting, notes, or planning.

Despite a lame crowd, I thought I did pretty good.

Besides, I'm not doing this to be famous or make money. I just enjoy making people laugh and smile.

NEWS FLASH: Al Queda Acquires Weapons Of Mass Destruction By Claiming Responsibility For Public Schools

Al Queda does not need to get a hold of weapons of mass destruction.

They just need to claim credit for the public school systems.

Schools are like little germ factories with built in delivery systems.

Every year, millions of unsuspecting parents send their little kids off to school to get an education, only to have little Johnny or little Suzy (or nowadays more like little Jacob or Emily, but in five years will probably be little Edward or Bella), return home a carrier of “the Plague”.

The poor teachers are usually the first victims of this outbreak.

But honestly, society already accepts them to be collateral damage.

We just wish they would keep that yuck on the playground.

About a week and a half ago, my 6 year old returned home from first grade with a rare advance warning.

He informed us that “everyone at school has been getting sick.”

Evidently, it was bad enough that the computer teacher felt the need to give them the following instruction, “If you’re going to barf, aim away from the keyboards.”

Although I can appreciate her concern for the protection of delicate taxpayer-purchased merchandise (actually it was grant purchased, but grants are funded with tax money, so that’s just a 3 cup & marble game), I am disturbed by the fact that such common knowledge of an outbreak wasn’t passed on to the parents.

Maybe on one of those bright colored fliers that they so readily send home when it’s time to purchase another T-shirt with your kid’s artwork on it.

Here’s my dilemma:

Last Thursday night/Friday Morning….the two year old started vomiting. Then followed it with 24+hours of diarrhea.

Saturday night/Sunday Morning….It was the wife’s turn. Here’s the kicker, not only is she the main care giver of the family, but also was the first to experience the SEVERE joint pain that accompanied this nasty virus in adults effected by it.

Sunday night/Monday morning….The 11 year old was stricken, much to his delight, since he was able to milk missing two days of school out of it. His mother and I were not quite as happy about his illness, mainly due to him being too lazy to attempt making it to the restroom beforehand.  A feat even his 2 year old sister managed.  Instead he covered his whole bed in chunky chunks, as well as an entire box of some 300 hot wheels.

Tuesday night/Wednesday morning…Yours truly was blessed. I had been DILIGENT in hand washing, disinfecting, cleansing, and scouring. But it was all for naught.  The joint pain was the WORST. Like gout, but all over.  

Funny story:

While lying in the bedroom the next day, trying to recover, I began to smell a stench that continually grew stronger and stronger until I thought I would resume the vomiting that had ceased the night before.

I was sure the 2 year old had snuck into the bedroom with a messy diaper, and even yelled her name a couple times to tell to her to leave. When it continued to grow stronger, I yelled to the wife to inquire as to the baby’s whereabouts, only to learn she was in another part of the house.

I then began assuming the dog had somehow acquired this human illness and had shat somewhere inside.

Finally, I could no longer remain in my present location and went to search out the rest of the family.

Upon leaving the bedroom, I was noticed that to smell seemed confined to that area of the house. I told the wife of my findings, and she took it upon herself to verify their correctness.

Her verdict? 

The bedroom did smell like hot death served over a warm ass, but it was just the bedroom.

And since I was the only one present in there, I must be the culprit.

It was then that I remembered passing gas earlier.

...

You know its sickness when you are driven away by your own stink.

It actually made the local dairy farm smell like expensive perfume.

...

Guess who hasn’t been sick yet?

Yep….The 6 year old carrier.

Little terrorist.

Funny Shows Revised!!!! I Can't Believe It Either!!!

I have to revise my Funny TV viewing list.

Several of you made suggestions on my last post, on shows that tickled your F-bones.

And since I spent the majority of the weekend indoors, tending to a family of chunk-blowers, I had plenty of time for Huluing.

Mike & Molly definitely makes my list. This new show about a couple of fatties falling in love is HILARIOUS. The characters are well written, and they managed to find the funny without relying on the usual fat jokes.  Check it out online, or on Monday’s at 930pm on CBS.

Community, which has Chevy Chase and that naked asian dude from The Hangover, is decent. I originally checked this show out a couple times during the first season, but revisited it again for you. It has some funny parts, but I’m still not sure I’m ready to add it to the list.

30 Rock-A little too political for my taste. Alec Baldwin’s character is hilarious in that dry wit way that Sue from GLEE is. Tina Fey is hot, but comes across as John Stewart’s evil female sit com twin. Traci Morgan is…..

Rules of Engagement- I didn’t get to it. Honestly, I forgot. But I’ll get to it eventually.

Bored To Death-I tried watching the pilot and 1^st episode of this HBO show. Figured with Zack Gafalanakadoodoowhatever (bearded guy from The Hangover), Ted Danson, and the geeky guy from Rushmore, it might be promising. There was some dry wit, but mostly pot jokes. I fell asleep twice during the 1^st one.

So here’s the new list:

1.       The League-Thursdays 1030pm-FX---About a group of friends who are in a Fantasy Football League

2.       Raising Hope-Tuesdays 9pm-FOX---About a young dude, with help from his inbred father, who’s trying to raise a baby he fathered with a now executed serial killer.

3.       Mike & Molly-Mondays 930pm-CBS---About a couple of fatties finding love in Chi-town

4.       Modern Family-Wednesdays 9pm-ABC---Follows 3 family units that are all part of a bigger mixed family. Hard to describe, but it’s great.

5.       Big Bang Theory-Thursdays 8pm-CBS---A group of nerd friends and their quest to get laid & stuff.

6.       Shit My Dad Says-Thurdays 830pm-CBS---Grumpy old man and his sons trying to reconnect. Based on popular Twitter account.

Enjoy.

TOP 5 Funniest Shows on TV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We’re a couple weeks into the new Television Season and I wanted to share with you my TOP FIVE FUNNIEST SHOWS ON TV.

I know other bloggers have offered their favs *ahem..hotpants...ahem*, BUT besides being adorably handsome and charming and witty, I also KNOW funny when I see it.

These are all shows CURRENTLY playing in the new FALL season.

All are classified as “Sit Coms”, and are half hour shows.

But MOST importantly, they are watched by Yours Truly and have been deemed Hilarious!

If you haven’t seen any of these, then set your DVR’s or catch up with them online thru IMDB or Hulu.

You won’t be sorry.

1.       The League—Thursdays  1030pm—FX

2.       Raising Hope—Tuesdays 9pm—FOX

3.       Shit My Dad Says—Thursdays 830pm—CBS

4.       Big Bang Theory—Thursdays 8pm—CBS

5.       Modern Family—Wednesdays 9pm—ABC

If you disagree with my rankings, tell me why in the comments.

OR, if your favorite funny show didn’t make my list, let me know what it is and I’ll check it out.

P.S. I stopped the list at 5. I could have went on to include shows like The Office, Always Sunny, GLEE, 30 Rock, etc….but 5 is a good number.

P.S.S. Anyway, GLEE is not a “half hour”, or technically a “sit com”.

The Actual Standup Video (Not kidding this time)

I finally managed to get the video off my phone and posted online.

It's not long and the quality isn't great.

Maybe you should go back and read THIS post before you watch it.

Here you go:



Right when I was starting to get to the good stuff.....BUSTED!

At least now, Travis can't say I didn't do it.

I'm The World's Best Dad & Being A Prick Runs In Some Families

I may not win Parent of The Year this year, but that’s okay because I already have several, AND I have a better reason than Reggie Bush for forfeiting the prize.

It all started with good intentions….I was TRYING to do the right thing, parental-wise.

I came home yesterday, and the wife says, “Max, tell your dad about the kid that was bullying you at tennis practice and see what he thinks.”

Of course, my oldest refuses at first…..He probably figured HE would get in trouble, as I’m a big ogre.

I asked him if this kid was the reason he didn’t want to go to practice earlier. (I assumed it was because he wanted to spend his after school time playing Wii, and told him there was no Wii if he didn’t go to Tennis practice.)

He said no, and that I was right when I guessed it was video games.

Then he told me that this kid is always mean and says hurtful things to him. Like he hates my kid, or he was going to break off his arm and feed it to him like a chicken wing, and other threatening stuff.

I asked him how old this kid is. He tells me he is older, maybe 7th grade. He also says that this kid is ALWAYS in trouble and the coach makes him run laps every practice.

I asked my son what he does when the kid says stuff, and he tells me he usually doesn’t say anything.
Sometimes, he just laughs at the kid’s threats, which only brings more of them.

Max: “I think me laughing at him makes him madder. But I can’t help it. Sometimes the stuff he says is funny.”

I maul this over for a few hours.

I’m not used to MY kids being bullied. Everybody loves my kids. Seriously, I’m not bragging. They’re smart, cute/handsome, funny, well-mannered, and popular. And people don’t know them well enough to know better.

Later, my wife tells that when this kid’s dad came to pick him up, he pulled in front of all the other parents waiting in line to pick their kids up, even using the wrong side of the road, like he owned the place.

THEN, she tells me he was driving a BMW Z4.

HOLD THE PHONE!

I remember an encounter I had with this same parent a few weeks ago.

I was coming to pick Max up, and was using my Father-in-Law’s Avalanche.

Here’s an illustration:

I pulled up to wait for get my kid.

Then this A-hole pulls up, coming the other way, and gets his kid. Then he heads straight toward me, in the MIDDLE of the road, and STOPS. He just sits there, and WAITS.

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD!

Like I’m in HIS way.

He doesn’t try to go around. He doesn’t try to backup, even though his distance to backup would be less than mine.

He just sits there and waits for ME to move, looking all pissed.

I’m like “WTF!” ……..I’m getting pissed…….About this time, I see my kid coming out of the courts and looking around.

Dude still hasn’t moved. But I don’t have time for this arrogant asshole. I’m in a four-wheel drive, so I drive up on the CURB (so the entire passenger side of my vehicle is in the grass) to go around this dickhead. As soon as it’s clear, he guns his car.

Flashback to today:

I tell Max, “You know, the reason kids pick on other kids is to make themselves feel better. He probably isn’t happy with himself. He probably doesn’t have a happy home life. Maybe his parents don’t love him. He feels better when he makes everyone else as miserable as he is. Or he is just a jerk. Regardless, I don’t want you getting picked on. A lot of times, bullies will continue to bully someone until that someone stands up to them. Next time he says something, just get in his face and tell him to shut his mouth.”

Max: “I can’t tell him to shut up, or I’LL have to run laps.”

Me: “Then tell the coach what he’s saying. If the coach doesn’t do anything, then you get in the kids face after practice and tell him to shut it.”

Max: “What if he doesn’t back down?”

Me: “Then you punch him in the nose as hard as you can.”

I’m an AWESOME dad!

Now I’m wishing I would have gotten out of the Avalanche and punched that little jerk’s dad in the nose.

Too bad the seasons over Monday.

The Long-Awaited & Highly Anticipated VIDEO! - See My Standup!

I know you have all been dying to see it.

That’s why you have kept coming back these last couple of days.

Skimming through my drivel and commentary.

Thinking to yourself, “Shut it already! Just post the goods, you tease!”

Well, your patience and persistence has paid off.

I give you…..

The World Premiere Of The Video Of The Greatest Comedy Routine In The History Of Funny.

…

That is how I planned to write this post.

Right before I showed you all my awesome video.

The same video I promised to get for you.

…

Things don’t always go as planned.

Remember how I said I was really distracted by my nerves and forgot to get the good camera from my wife, or ask another comedian to film me? And how I almost forgot about the video entirely until my wife said something about it?

Remember how I said that you were only allowed to record from the comedians area, and that I passed my cell phone to my wife at the last minute, because it would be more discreet than her pulling out the big camera from the cheap seats (aka the land of no filming), and also because her phone is missing the camera button after one too many drops on the ground?

Remember?

Well, here’s what happened.

We did get video.

But not much.

See, my wife started filming when I was called to the stage. The picture and audio is really crappy because it’s a cellphone. AND it’s dark in the club. AND And because my wife got stuck sitting in the back.

You can see me go onstage.

You can kind of hear me bomb through my first couple of lines.

You hear a few laughs. AND you hear some chic sitting beside my wife say, “HEY, I have cancer!”, all whiny and complainy.

Then, right as I’m about to find my rhythm, you hear a deep voice say, “EXCUSE ME, MA’AM!”

And the screen goes black.

Yep.

My wife got busted.

They didn’t confiscate my phone, thankfully. But they did make her shut it down.

So basically, I have about 30 seconds of shitty quality video of me sucking an egg.

I was going to post it anyway, just so you could see with your own eyes that I at least made it onstage.

Unfortunately, since our desktop in currently busted, AND the Windows 7 on my laptop is being a total dick and won’t recognize my Samsung Mythic driver, I can’t upload the video.

However, if I ever manage to get it uploaded in the future, I promise I WILL share it.

Unless I delete it first.

The Post Show Results & Feedback

I head off stage after hanging up the mic.

There’s a standing ovation, and cheering, and people are throwing rose petals and gold coins in the air.

It could happen.

I hear the MC make some reference to me. Not sure what, but I think it’s about me making fun of my mom. (According to the wife, Charlie said I made cancer the new pink.)

The next comic up is a guy I sat with beforehand.

He was my new best friend
.
Wish I could remember his name.

I suck with names.

He grabs my hand and tells me “That was great! You did awesome! Good job!”

I make my way over to the staging area.

One of the more experienced comics, who tours the circuit, tells me, “Dude! That was the best first set I’ve ever seen.”

I’m feeling pretty content at this point. After all, that was from a guy who has been on Bob & Tom, tours nationally, and basically does this for a living.

Later, two comedians mention my bit in their set. WOW! Was I memorable, or was that sympathy?

When I finally see my wife, she tells me her impressions.

“Well, you didn’t suck.”…..“You weren’t even the worst one.”

Gee, thanks honey

Then she says, “I’d give it a B.”

Always the teacher.

After the entire show is finished, and we’re headed home, she’s a little more complimentary.

“You looked really cute.”…. “Even though you were trying to be a dick, I think people saw you as really a nice guy. BUT with really big biceps”

I might have added that biceps line just now. But it was implied. She said it with her eyes.

“I would say you were probably the fourth funniest. You were definitely better than the MC. That’s what you should do. You’d be great at that.”

I explain to her, you can’t just be an MC. You have to be asked. And it can take YEARS, if ever.

UPDATE: Later, I find out that one of my old High School classmates came and brought some friends. (Thanks Jenny A.) That’s the reason I made my required 5 guest limit and was able to perform. I asked her for her honest opinion of how I did.

Here is her response: