NEWS FLASH: Al Queda Acquires Weapons Of Mass Destruction By Claiming Responsibility For Public Schools

Al Queda does not need to get a hold of weapons of mass destruction.

They just need to claim credit for the public school systems.

Schools are like little germ factories with built in delivery systems.

Every year, millions of unsuspecting parents send their little kids off to school to get an education, only to have little Johnny or little Suzy (or nowadays more like little Jacob or Emily, but in five years will probably be little Edward or Bella), return home a carrier of “the Plague”.

The poor teachers are usually the first victims of this outbreak.

But honestly, society already accepts them to be collateral damage.

We just wish they would keep that yuck on the playground.

About a week and a half ago, my 6 year old returned home from first grade with a rare advance warning.

He informed us that “everyone at school has been getting sick.”

Evidently, it was bad enough that the computer teacher felt the need to give them the following instruction, “If you’re going to barf, aim away from the keyboards.”

Although I can appreciate her concern for the protection of delicate taxpayer-purchased merchandise (actually it was grant purchased, but grants are funded with tax money, so that’s just a 3 cup & marble game), I am disturbed by the fact that such common knowledge of an outbreak wasn’t passed on to the parents.

Maybe on one of those bright colored fliers that they so readily send home when it’s time to purchase another T-shirt with your kid’s artwork on it.

Here’s my dilemma:

Last Thursday night/Friday Morning….the two year old started vomiting. Then followed it with 24+hours of diarrhea.

Saturday night/Sunday Morning….It was the wife’s turn. Here’s the kicker, not only is she the main care giver of the family, but also was the first to experience the SEVERE joint pain that accompanied this nasty virus in adults effected by it.

Sunday night/Monday morning….The 11 year old was stricken, much to his delight, since he was able to milk missing two days of school out of it. His mother and I were not quite as happy about his illness, mainly due to him being too lazy to attempt making it to the restroom beforehand.  A feat even his 2 year old sister managed.  Instead he covered his whole bed in chunky chunks, as well as an entire box of some 300 hot wheels.

Tuesday night/Wednesday morning…Yours truly was blessed. I had been DILIGENT in hand washing, disinfecting, cleansing, and scouring. But it was all for naught.  The joint pain was the WORST. Like gout, but all over.  

Funny story:

While lying in the bedroom the next day, trying to recover, I began to smell a stench that continually grew stronger and stronger until I thought I would resume the vomiting that had ceased the night before.

I was sure the 2 year old had snuck into the bedroom with a messy diaper, and even yelled her name a couple times to tell to her to leave. When it continued to grow stronger, I yelled to the wife to inquire as to the baby’s whereabouts, only to learn she was in another part of the house.

I then began assuming the dog had somehow acquired this human illness and had shat somewhere inside.

Finally, I could no longer remain in my present location and went to search out the rest of the family.

Upon leaving the bedroom, I was noticed that to smell seemed confined to that area of the house. I told the wife of my findings, and she took it upon herself to verify their correctness.

Her verdict? 

The bedroom did smell like hot death served over a warm ass, but it was just the bedroom.

And since I was the only one present in there, I must be the culprit.

It was then that I remembered passing gas earlier.

...

You know its sickness when you are driven away by your own stink.

It actually made the local dairy farm smell like expensive perfume.

...

Guess who hasn’t been sick yet?

Yep….The 6 year old carrier.

Little terrorist.