Wednesday, September 30, 2009
I'm totally kidding........The wife is soooooo going to kill me for that.
Okay, then...moving on......It's another (WYR)Would You Rather Wednesday.....brought to you by the fine folks at Maxie......Make sure you visit her pad.............does that sound weird?
Would you rather.....
Be tied to a chair and forced to listen nonstop to the Aflac duck for a week straight.....
Have bamboo shivs shoved under your fingernails and toenails......
I was going to save this for a TMI post, but since I've probably already pissed off the wife, why drag it out when I can take my punishment all at once......
(that's a lie, she totally gave me permission to share this.......I'm crazy but not stupid....and would like to remain married)
(Stop reading here, mom!)
It's normal to fart during lovemaking, right? Things are moving. Exposed. Maybe open to the air around you. Maybe some of that air is drawn in. Well......(I warned you mom........and pastor David)
So, early in our relationship, the missus and I were engaged in...........delecto Horizontus sexus.....(I just made that up.......it's Latin for Da Nasty).
Anyway, I feel a pressure in my lower bowls. (This was still early enough in our relationship when we had the courtesy to not pass gas in front of each other. My how times change. But I digress). Back to the pressure........It's a big one coming......I can tell, and I begin to panic.......*screeching tires*....complete stop.........vice-like sphincter clampage.......My wife, luckily, notices I've stopped, and a look of concern begins to spread across her face.......I realize I won't be able to contain said sexytime flatulence......so I do the only thing I can.....I try to mask it.......I gaze longingly into her eyes and say..."I loooooooovvvvvveeeee Yooooouuuuuuu!".......only....I miss judged the size of the bomb........so it come out like this.........(simultaneously while farting in the background) "I Looooovvvvveeeeee Yooooouuuuuu!"*riiippp*<---(leftover farting noise)............Damn......so close.....missed judged the length by a second or two.......There's still hope........maybe she didn't notice.......
She bursts out laughing.......I'm embarrassed......I'm worried sexytime is over.......but, it turned out to be a memorable experience in that......for the longest time, and occasionally still, we end our I Love You's with farting noises.
Like recently, we were on date night at Arby's (cause I'm a romantic), and while eating.....the wife looks at me and with a mouth full of roast beef sandwich.....says, "Will you get me some napkins?".......I say, "Sure" and get up to get my lovely wife some napkins. When I get about 10 feet from the table, I hear a distinct "Rrrriiiiiippppp!".....*cue tire screech*.......I spin around in shock......My wife has a mortified look on her face.......I say, "You just farted. You got rid of me so you could let one go.".....She said, "It wasn't me! It was this bench!"........since my wife is a saint and doesn't lie, I had no choice but to believe her. But when I got back to the table with the napkins, I gave her the............."I Looovvveee Yooouuu! *Rriiipp*".
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
I'm Ed. This is my place. Look around. Stay awhile. Come back and visit as often as you like.
If you're a regular, keep your hands to yourself, play nice, and don't say anything to embarrass us or so help me the next time I'm leaving you in the car.
Monday, September 28, 2009
So I'm thinking.....Why is it that the only people who see alien spaceships are inbred trailer people or some desert hermit?......Do Alien beings intentional seek out such fine examples of the human race?.......Are these societal outcasts the most trustworthy individuals that the news crews can find to interview?
This all brings me to another thought.....If you know you live in an area of the country where they have a large occurrence of Tornadoes, and you know that said Tornadoes are attracted to Aluminum, cheap particle board, and shag carpet; then why would you choose to splurge on that nice new/used mobile home?......Maybe you just aren't aware.......Let me help with an SAT type question....Tornadoes are to Trailers, as Flies are to_____? (Hint: 4-letter word beginning with S and rhyming with spit).......Seriously, your chances of survival would be better if you were standing in the middle of a field and wearing an open parachute.
Which leads me to another idea.....Since I feel it is my duty to help those less intellectually fortunate than myself, I will therefore, one day travel the country to the Tornado ravaging areas and look for any trailers that have been placed in said areas....... Then, if the wheels have been left on the trailers I find, I will promptly hook my truck up to these Tornado magnets and tow them to a safer location.....Say, somewhere in the desert.....so they'll still see their alien friends occasionally...............................................................I'm always here to help.
P.S Look for me tomorrow on Cheesecake Mom's site. Turns out I'm the featured friend over there. Also, I probably won't be posting the Tuesday Quickies because of my Pop's eye surgery. If I do, it'll be up late.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Finally, I found it. I hung my head in shame, and raised my arm as if to say, "Yes. I'm a woman at the Mall after a long shopping trip.".........However, that's when my genius kicked in.......Car locators built into the keyfob!....Yes!....Like those Brickhouse child locator things in the Energizer Battery commercials.....But instead of finding your lost heathens at the park because you're an irresponsible parent who is too distracted by your romance novel to watch your kids, it would point you towards your car....You know, after shopping at the store and coming out the wrong door and the parking lot is crowded and "Everything looks the same" (in a high-pitched airheady voice).
That would totally be bigger than Velcro and Intermittent Wipers!........Don't even THINK of stealing my stuff!
Last evening, my oldest is showing his graded papers to me and the wife, in some not-so-vague attempt to receive praise and acceptance....One page at a time!..For dramatic effect!...As if he is savoring each, "Good Job, Buddy!" (not his real name)
Finally, there was a break in the action <----read eye-plucking torture.....I make my way to the back of the house, because I had important stuff to do in the can.....Next thing you know, I hear foot steps....Then he's asking me to open the door so he can keep showing me papers!.....I'm thinking, "Dude, you are seriously breaking my DON'T-TALK-TO-ME-THROUGH-THE-DOOR-WHILE-I'M-THROWING-THE-BROWN-TROUT-BACK-INTO-THE-POND Rule!"......But I said, "I'll be out in a minute(<--read hour), can't it wait?" He says,"I'll just slide them under the door.".....Great!.......This goes on for about 3 or 4 papers....back and forth....footsteps through the house....papers arrive under the door....."That's a Great Job!" or "Ooh, Nice one!"..etc,etc...then more footsteps.....Why he didn't bring back more than one at a time, I have no idea........Finally, this GEM.....He slides the paper under the door right as his mom yells for him, and he says this, "I'm walking away now, so don't compliment me until I get back.".......Nice.
I found my wedding ring on the floor (AGAIN) this morning.....That happens ALOT!...I'm actually on ring number 2....Yeah, my wife is super thrilled about that.......I never take my ring off when I'm awake, only in my sleep...................I must be having an affair in my dreams.
Cool Ranch Doritos rock! Almost as much as UNC Basketball! (Travis)
We got rid of our old dining room table and are getting a new one from our church. Broke my youngest boys heart....long story....you can read about it on my wife's blog here, if you want.....Anyway, the boy<----read drama king, was heartbroken.....I was supposed to pick up the new table last night, but it was raining, and I didn't want to get it wet. So we ate dinner on the dining room floor like squatters....This morning, the little guy comes in as I'm getting ready for work and says, "When are we getting our new table?" I said, "New table? What new table?", cause I like stirring the pot.....He says, "The new table mommy said we were getting to replace the old table." ......Because I'm a GREAT dad, I say, "Oh, your mom changed her mind and we're not getting it. We're gonna keep eating on the floor like Japanese people. Won't that be FUN?"........enter tears.......
Thursday, September 24, 2009
First, the back story. When I was younger, my parents owned some apartment buildings. These weren't in the best part of town, but they still rented. Dad had gone over and cleaned out one after the two women tenants had vacated. I don't remember if they moved out, of if he kicked them out, but they left in a hurry and the place was a mess. Everything that they left (trash, clothes, boxes, furniture, etc.) was loaded up in the truck and brought back to our place to await trash day and a trip to the dump.
Enter three teenage boys.
After school with no parental supervision.
It was me, JT , and a third one we'll call The Asian.
We started rummaging throw this pile of stuff that was left for the trash man. Hey now, don't judge. One man's trash is another man's treasure. And two young ladies trash is three teenage boys gold mine.
Suddenly, one of the boys spots a blue suitcase. Not that a suitcase mixed in with all the other crap was a big deal, but what was inside it was.
PORN! It was full of Porno mags!
Now, picture three hormone driven teenage boys who just had a suitcase load of porno dumped in their laps. There was hooting and hollering. Pointing and giggling. Magazines were passed back and forth like a makeshift library day at the dump.
"Look at the set on this one!" one said. "She needs to trim!" said another. "Those are huge!" said another still.
Suddenly, someone spots something on the bottom of the suitcase that wasn't a magazine. Toys! And not the Disney Toy Story kind either. I'm talking rubber phallic devices commonly referred to as dildos. None of us had ever seen such a thing.
Now these were passed around and held up like trophies. "Do you think those girls were using these things for.........you know?", said one. "What the Hell else would they be for, dumbass?", answered another. There was three of them.
One was about 3 feet long with a head on each end!
Another was about 1 1/2 foot long, and really thick (maybe 6 inches in diameter) and had a HUGE scrotum underneath it.
The last one was normal, almost life-size.
Jokes were made. There was a plan to go to school the next day with the bigger ones protruding from zippers, as if they were the real business on display for everyone to see.
Suddenly, someone was whacked in the back. Swords were instantly drawn.
JT grabbed the 3 footer, with which he did is best Bruce Lee numchuks impression.
I had the thick job, which I wielded like Conan the Barbarian.
The Asian was left with the little one.......cause......he was Asian.
There was swinging, slashing, metal-clashing noises (because rubber don't make noises and sound effects were needed), and yelping. Mostly from the Asian, since he was no match for me or JT.
Finally, there was a loud "Whack", followed by an "OUCH!".
JT had unleashed a double handed double-headed downward-angled slicing blow across the Asian's forearm.
Laughter erupted. But just from me and JT. The Asian was gingerly rubbing the red welt on his forearm. He said, "That hurts!" We laughed. Then he said, "Have YOU ever been whacked by one?!"......*crickets*.....JT and I look at each other....Then we both say, "NO! No we haven't!" Then everybody dies laughing.
After that, and since it's almost time for my mom to get home from work, we put everything back like it was. The last thing you want your mom to catch you doing is playing with dildos.
So yes, I have had a sword fight with giant dildos. I'm not proud of it.
P.S. The best part of the entire event. Later that evening, my mom was fixing us boys dinner. Mom is asking everybody what they want to drink. She asks JT, he says, "Water". She asks The Asian, he says, "I'll have whatever Ed's having. What are you having dude?" I say, "Milk". The Asian responds to my mom with, "Dildo!".
The Asian is mortified. Mom, JT, and I all bust out laughing. The Asian starts backpedalling with, "Ditto! I meant Ditto! Ditto's what I said!"
From that day forth, the Asian was known as "Ditto" around my house.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
I don't know whether to start calling him "Archie", or just go postal. I do work for the Fed, afterall, and that's how we roll.
I'm sick of these BEE's! Seriously, they're a close second (behind the spawn of Satan that is spiders) on my list of things I love to squish....I can't even walk out my door without being swarmed like I'm covered in syrup....Now, I know I'm sweet like Mrs.Butterworth, but where have they been all summer? Why now?....Just last week, while grilling in my garage (cause I'm too lazy to drag the grill over the hump) with the door up (cause lazy don't equal stupid), I was viciously ambushed by a squadron of these striped insurgents. We engaged in an epic battle. Me and my spatula, they and their stingers. They dive bombed, I swatted. They buzzed like chainsaws, I squealed like a little girl. Finally, when the grill smoke cleared, the carnage was revealed. They had taken 10 casualties. I was still stinger free!
However, later that night, one of those suckers snuck in the house trying to get revenge for his fallen comrades, by trying to pass himself off as a new large mole with wings on the back of my calf. He underestimated my lightening fast squishability and paid with his life. "You loose Mr. Bee!"
See, I've only been stung maybe 4 times in my life. But that's because of my ninja skills, and because I don't wait for them to sting me first....Attack,attack,attack!...I remember when I was a kid, I would be somewhere with my mom & dad. Mom & me would be waiting in the truck for dad, which was the normal...LONG wait!...A Bee would come in the window, and I would freak. But mom would say, "Relax. Just be still. If you don't move, it won't hurt you." I remember one landing on my arm and mom holding me and saying that same thing, as the hypodermic needle on legs crawled around on my arm. (I bet Hitler's mother did that stuff too)Then it would fly away. **This only ever worked while she was present, as she was The Bee Whisperer**
Thanks Mom! That's probably why I had to see the Bee Movie wearing a keeper's outfit.
This one is inspired by the new movie Zombieland that's coming out, and by a conversation I had this morning with the old guy who's my officemate, which I'll share after the WYR.
And because Halloween is approaching.
Would you rather be a Zombie and have to eat human brains?
Would you rather have your brain eaten by a Zombie?
(technically, the second option would thereby cause you to become a Zombie too, and would lead back to option one)
*However, if you became a Brainless Zombie, maybe you wouldn't mind the whole eating brains part......I work with several of these BZ, and they seem quite happy.
**Also, why can't Zombies eat their own brains?......It's not like that would kill them more.
Okay, so now the conversation with old-guy officemate:
(First thing this morning and completely out of the blue)
Old-Guy OfficeMate: "You know they've determined that eating human brains is what killed off the Mayans."
Me: *thinking* (Dang it! Did I miss another History Channel Special?) "Really?!" *now thinking* (What the Heck? What are you even talking about, and WHY are you talking to me this EARLY in the morning?!)
OGOM: "Yep! Scientists proved that eating human brains will kill you. That's what got the Mayans!"
Me: "Hmm! Well, it hasn't killed me yet."
Sweet, sweet morning silence has returned!
More later....check back
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
$250 a month for "over-the-counter adult men's entertainment."
Unfortunately, this lonely individual will be bored while he uses that $250 to pay his debt to the taxpayers. Waiver DENIED!
I love my job.
Then again, maybe I should approve it. Who knows. Without his regular porn, he might snatch some young girl and keep her locked up in his secret backyard compound for 17 years. What, too soon?
Seriously though, there's been alot of that lately. Sickos hiding kids in a backyard compound, or a secret basement cell, or walking around a mile from their house (all Mormon-like) with a white head covering on.
Let some freak try doing that to one of my kids, I'll find them and eat their heart!.....All Hannibal Lecter style........I'm going teach my kids too..........I'll say, "If someone tries to take you, you better wig out like Serena Williams at a line judge!"
I know they say that sex crimes aren't about sex, but power......I still say we castrate offenders...............See how powerful they feel when they're wearing their jibblets for earrings.
Oh, I know what your thinking. What about female predators?.......I say, you can't rape the willing.......All those boys complaining about their (Hot) female teachers having sex with them......CRAZY!.....Shoot........I wish I had a teacher like that.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Maybe I should have taken a mental health day.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Aren't Headstones just headboards for the eternally sleeping?
Do people really pay $49.99 to dress their daughter like a little Hooker, Naughty Nurse, Dominatrix, Pirate Wench, or Sexy Kitten; and then teach them to take candy from strangers? I realize this may just be grooming them to be cheerleaders someday, but seriously people. We all know who really ends up eating most of the candy. Basically, you're pimping out your daughters for some leftover candy.
I love Halloween. Free Candy at my place.
As for boys, if it shows a sword on the picture, then for $39.99 there BETTER well be a sword of some kind in that package! And since WHEN did costumes cost so much. My mom used to make a lot of mine. She was like the Halloween McGuyver. The things that lady could do with a box, spray paint, duck tape, and wire hangers would have made Jim Henson pee his pants. Of course, I probably hated them at the time.
I bet she could make a sword.
Friday, September 18, 2009
How long after the funeral do you think Patrick Swayze's wife waited before she went to see Whoopi Goldberg?
The other day I went to the Circle K. I was paying and the guy hands me a BRIGHT pink pen that says PURE ROMANCE on the side, to sign the credit slip. What's that about? Isn't that those parties the ladies have, where they pass around the fake man bits and parts? (not that I would know) What's he doing with that pen? What's he trying to tell me?
Last night I called to order a pizza. The guy on the other end starts running through their specials. My mind wonders....like always. Anyway, I come back too, just in time to hear him say..."if you want me to hand toss it, that's a dollar extra."......Now I'm thinking..."What! Toss what by hand? I don't know if I feel right about where this call is going. I thought I was just calling to order a pizza. Why would I pay someone else to.........OH, the pizza crust......that's a good deal......yeah"...So, like a moron, and not totally sure my mind is back to normal, I ask, "Is it GOOD that way?"
The wife read where Michael Jackson's mom and kids are getting $86,000 a month. A MONTH! That's more than I make in a year. A LOT MORE! I had just read where she had hired a lawyer to see if she could get his will overturned so she could be executor of his estate, BUT only in a way that it wouldn't be seen as contesting the will. Here's why.......The will has a NO CONTEST clause, which states that anyone contesting the will gets NOTHING. I'm assuming that the judge didn't bite, since she's not being named executor........Oh well, I guess she have to find a way to get by on $86,000 A MONTH............Probably has the butler clipping coupons as I type.
Boys are disgusting. My youngest boy has gotten in trouble in the past for picking and wiping. I'm talking boogers on non-Kleenex surfaces. I can remember spending an hour with him one Saturday, as I yelled and he scrubbed his wall. See, his blue walls had started turning greenish-brown around his bed. Seems he had started himself a nice little collection, and it wasn't postage stamps (unless I missed that addition at the post office).
So, here's what happen the other evening:
I'm laying on the couch, doing important stuff.....like resting & relaxing. I've got the 2 youngest at home while the wife and oldest are at a book fair. The little ones are playing. I'm reading blogs on the computer, just deep in thought. Only, I'm having trouble breathing out of my nose. I'm an adult man. I'll pick if I want to. Oh, it's a good one too. I look around, but there's no box of Kleenex near bye, so I roll & shoot cause I'm comfortable and lazy. Besides, the vacuum will get it.
No sooner had the nasal intruder left my finger, when I hear this:
BUSTED! I raise my gaze to see the 5 year old standing there doing his best physical impression of his mom....hands on hips....angry eyebrows...frowny disapproving face. He continues:
"You just.............you just.............WHAT did you just flick?"
I'm a man! I'm the parent! I'm the boss! Who does he think he is?!
I answer:........."It.....it......it.......it was lent. Yeah, I flicked a piece of lint"
I'm such a hypocrite.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
When I was a Medical Assistant, occasionally I would be called upon to assist the doctor with a woman's yearly visit. This was rare and only happened when there weren't any female assistants available, or when the doc thought a certain patient was overly attractive (HOT) and pulled me into the room (kicking and screaming, I swear honey).
On this particular occasion, it was the prior. Trust me! Anyway, I assumed my normal position up by the patient's head, while the doctor and patient assumed......well.....their normal positions. Also, I must add, it was Christmas time.
The doc gloved up, grabbed the speculum from the warming tray, dabbed some lube on it, flipped up the patient's gown & blanket covering and said the following:
Doc: "Holy Cow!" (which I'm sure is just what the lady with her butt up in his face wanted to hear)
"Is this my Christmas present?!" (Now I thinking, I am sooooo going to be testifying in court)
"You even gift-wrapped it for me!" (The patient looks as if she might pass out)
Up stands the doc, with a very long piece of Tinsel. Even the patient starts laughing.
Let that be a lesson to you, LADIES!.................DON'T decorate your Christmas Tree in the nude!
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Today, I learned that honey NEVER goes bad (actually my wife looked it up). Evidently, scientists have identified it as the only food source that never expires. Here I was thinking that it was Twinkies.
Here's my Wednesday "Would You Rather?"
Would you rather be the Duggar's Mom?......birthing, feeding, raising, and caring for 19 kids
Would you rather be one of the Duggar kids?.......being just a number, sharing everything, splitting any inheritance 18 other ways.
R.I.P. Patrick Swayze....I'll never look at Jennifer Grey's new nose again without hearing you call her "Baby".
Anyway, here's the Wiener........err........Winner:
Travis from I Like To Fish
Thanks For playing Travis. Travis wins the cool million dollars in Milton-Bradley Monopoly notes. Don't eat them all at once, Big Guy!
Ron from Clark Kent's Lunchbox
Congrats Ron! Ron wins the 100 Yak Balls. I know you'll enjoy those!.......(Now, I wonder if I can find Yak balls on eBay?!?!) Oh yeah, Ron's got a Book Coming out soon called Sugar Milk. If you like books and laughing, run out and get a copy. He's funny.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
(one of the giant score board screens and the big open window)
Before the game, we went to this little bar called The Slippery Noodle Inn, because the 2 vans from "The Bob and Tom Show" were parked in front, and we figured they were doing the pregame from there................. Nope.......But here's our own pregame highlights:
First, the Doorman/Bouncer is carding everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY. He carded some lady in front of us that had grey hair, a walker, and her boobs tucked in her waistband. He's even turning people away if they look younger than their ID says and they don't have 2 forms to prove it. This is a problem, cause I didn't bring anything. My Bro-n-Law goes up, gets carded, goes inside. Right behind him, I say to the bouncer "Are you really gonna card me....(?) .....cause I didn't bring anything since I wasn't driving". Before I can even finish saying this, he's laughing and pushing me inside, while saying "I wasn't even gonna ask you". What the Seacrest!!! HOW OLD DO I LOOK?!?!? The friggin bald guy behind me got carded.....and his shirt said Korean War Vet!
So, were inside this place and it's packed. It's basically nut to butt in there. Nobody's moving. Everybody's stepping on each other. Bunch of people wearing Under Armour shirts. I'm sorry, but that should be the name of a deodorant, not a silky looking shirt that costs $100.....It would probably be a crappy deodorant too......Ads full of lies, "Wear this and sweat like Peyton Manning". GREAT!......Just like when I switched from DEGREE to AXE....I'm still waiting to get tackled at the grocery by a bunch of hot chics....AXE LIARS!......After an hour, we were still by the door. The brother-n-law starts trying to charge people a $5 cover to enter. He almost collects from several, before I bust him......I also noticed the bouncer had one of them wallet-on-a-chain thingy's. It was a REALLY big chain too. I'm like, "Whatcha got in there so important? Is it government secrets? Maybe it's the colonel's secret recipe?".........Later
Saturday, September 12, 2009
I'm so bad.
Went to the community day fair after soccer. Sheriff's Dept. was fingerprinting kids. They wouldn't do the baby cause, "before the age of 2, you really don't get any good prints.".... Looks like I found my new safe cracker........ Barney Fife didn't seem too amused when I said, "Crap! That means she's only got 10 more months to pull off her bank heist!"
Had a good datenight with the Mrs last evening. We browsed the flea market-type booths at the covered bridge festival. I spent lots of time standing and waiting, while she looked at all the wares. At least she didn't make me hold her purse.
Memorable event: Guy pulls up as we're crossing the street and says, " 'cuse meh. Do you know how I get to the bridge?". My always-eager-to-lend-a-hand wife steps forward and says (pointing with hand), "Yeah".....pause....."You go down that way"..........longer pause while still pointing......."then".........more pause....*guy looks at his watch....grass grows......a rooster crows....healthcare is reformed*.......then, "Well, I don't remember what street it is, but you turn that (points right) way". Guys wife nudges him, he wakes up, says "Thanks" and pulls away. I throw in, "There's prolly a sign!". We're sooo helpful like that, even if we were out-of-towners ourselves.
Still need entries for your favorite funny video/commercial/spoof clips. I got 2 so far. Either e-mail them to me, or put it in the comments. Whether its a link or description, I'll find it. Winning clip will be posted next week. Winner will receive $1 million dollars.
(Winner will have their choice of collecting winnings in either I.O.U.'s redeemable for Monopoly money, or $1 Nigerian per year paid out over a million years.)
Friday, September 11, 2009
See, spiders and me don't get along. My wife would tell you I'm terrified of them (but she's a liar pants). I understand spiders serve a valuable service by eating other pesky bugs. However, when they enter my space, I am instantly overcome with a strong, STRONG, strong urge/desire to kill them. And when a say kill, I mean total "there's-noway-you're-gettin-me" deathtoyou. And when I say instantly, I mean regardless of my current situation. On several occasions, I have almost wrecked cars, golf carts, mopeds, magic carpets, you name it; all because of a spider. I'm not proud. It's sad. There is a complete disregard of personal and public safety when I'm stalking Arachnid. I'll use anything for the job. Sprays. Important papers. Babies. Whatever. I'm getting that spider.
I don't know where this comes from. It's like something comes over me. I get tunnel vision. All I see or care about is that spidey. It must die! Maybe it was all the times I used to see them hiding in the corners of my room or shower when I was a kid. Yeah, I now know they were Daddy Longlegs; but to an 8 year old, those were Tarantulas with rabies. Or maybe it was the time in Florida during Spring Break my sophomore year, when I watched a black widow drop down from the bunk above me and hover there on a single web line. Since I was at a camp, bunked in a room with 10 other guys who were all watching it too, I had to resist the urge to kill it/freakout/scream like a 4 year old girl for fear of loosing my "man card" before I even got it. It might also be from all the Brown Recluse bites I saw and treated in the Navy. *Vomit*
Regardless, it's best to not let me near your pet spider, less it become a gooey mess.
Most recently, I went out to my truck (ok, ok...it's a Honda Ridgeline, but still) after work. Got in and started heading home. It was hot, so I cracked the windows. My truck has those air deflector things over the windows. In my peripheral vision, I sense movement. Spidey sense takes over. Tunnel vision kicks in. Truck comes to complete stop. In middle of busy road. I turn to face advisory. It's nasty. It's up in the corner where the air deflector meets the window. I quickly roll up the window before it's able to leap/jump/wrap me in a food cocoon. I start driving again, oblivious to all the stopped traffic and honking horns. 50 mph. 60 mph. 70 mph. 80 mph. Stupid air deflectors. I take the corner to the house sideways. Pull into the yard. Throw open the door. Jump clear of the truck and ninja roll across the lawn. Run to the garage. Grab the spray. Head back to the truck. *spit,spit,sputter,spit* SLAPCHOP! Stupid spray! Empty when I need you most! I start to grab the hose, but I see it start to drop. Evidently enough spray stunned him. Slowly slides down window, drops down door, and lands in the grass. By this time, my wife has come to the door to laugh at me (compassionate person that she is).
That spider was alien. Even my wife agreed that it was not a native species. Huge whitish, yellowish, brownish, deadlyish thing. I'm sure it arrived on my truck door via meteor. We watched it limp across the yard for awhile in wonder. I debated on how to finish it off. My wife said something like, "Just step on it, you PANSY!" Hey now, you never know if its got some kind of egg sack on it's back and then you're carrying it on the bottom of your shoe. Next thing you know, you have an army of motherless alien arachnids all over your house and their pissed off and looking for revenge.
But I MAN-UP! SQUISHHHHH!
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Anyway, this Grandma was brought in by a concerned family member cause she had blood in her stool. Nice, right. It gets better. One of the docs (a new MD) was seeing her and after a while he comes down to get my doc, also a fairly new MD, to take a look and offer extra advice on treatment. So we go down to see Gran. She's on one of the tables with her legs all up in stirrups, buck naked from the waist down. Turns out, Grammy has Anal Fissures. These are like tears around the butthole. Nope, no one had been violating the old lady. Evidently, she had been having some really big poops, and hadn't been getting properly cleaned afterwards. Plus, when you're old, the skin tears easily. She was like 90.
Anyway, these things were big, bad, and bleeding. The docs were really puzzling over this. Do they stitch'em? Do the just order some peri-wash and antibiotics? What to do? They were both down there leaning in...talking...pointing....more talking. Then, BOOM! Grandma rips a big one! I mean, "can of chili" big one! Right in their faces! This in itself would have been funny, but didn't I mention the BLEEDING anal fissures. That's right. Both docs were buck shot in the face with butt blood. And not a little bit either. Looked like they had just been hunting with Dick Cheney. Of course, they had forgotten to wear faceshields (bet that never happens again). Grandma was like, "Oops. Sorry."
Thank God I was standing up by her head!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
What are some of your all-time favorites? Send me a link, description, or web address. I'll post the funniest one and give you props and a link to your page(if you got one).
And now a quick story from my past:
This one time in High School, a couple of friends and I were hangin out. We were doing the only thing there was to do in a small mid-western town on the weekend, Cruisin'.
Cruisin' is where a bunch of teenagers pile into a single car, and cruise up and down the main strip repeatedly, seeing how much of mom & dad's gas they can waste.
Actually, it's one of those "see & be seen" things that teenagers so crave. Back and forth, over and over, until you run out of gas, the cops run you off, or you stop to grab the occasional bite to eat.
This is where our story begins. My friend, J.T., and I (and two other dudes that I can't remember cause it was almost 20 years ago and I think Alzheimer's is setting in early) had stopped at Hardee's to grab some grub. Me, as my normal self, was being a perfect gentleman (read smartass giving J.T. a hard time). J.T. was eating his fries and trying to ignore me and the guys laughing at him. He wanted to say something witty back, but God only blessed a few of us with a whit this Awesomely Genius...So, he said the only thing he could:
J.T. "If you don't shut up, I'm going to shove this fry us your nose!" (holding up fry for effect)
Me: "Yeah, right!" (overly confident head back laughter)
Then, all Ninja-like, J.T. flicks his wrist.....launching the Chinese throwing fry....five feet across table/booth.....impaling said missile halfway up my nostril.
*followed by uncontrollable laughter*
Except for me, as I stared down this ski-slope of mine which had just been violated, in utter disbelief.
J.T. "I warned you!"
*note to self: Beware flying fries and friends with secret ninja skills"
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Wow! That's the first time someone has called me that (to my face). Way to butter me up there, big guy. You really know how to get someone to do something for you.
I mean, I know you were born before Starbucks (would that be b.s.?) and color TV, but you work at a computer all day too. I guess since these things stopped going "DING" after each sentence, and no longer required RIBBON, you gave up paying attention.
Caller to Government office: message left on voicemail day after Labor Day.."I called all three extensions three times yesterday, and no one called me back!"
Evidently, the caller doesn't realize that Federal Employees get Federal Holidays off! But wait, it gets better:
Caller: "I wanted to let you know, I got the form that you mailed me, but it was sent to MY wrong address."
Ah, HELLO! If you received it, it wasn't sent to the wrong address! Duh! This is the government, afterall, what more do you want? Not to mention it, but why do you even have a WRONG address? Isn't that just asking for trouble?.......I'm just sayin'
Monday, September 7, 2009
And another, Pure Genius!
See, it gets me everytime. I think I just peed a little.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not in favor of Geriatric on Pediatric crime. But the idea of somebody losing it, and throwing a beatdown on a perfect stranger's kid is so odd, it's funny.
Let's be honest though, it was Wal-Mart. In fact, when my wife first saw the story online, and started to tell me about it, I said, "That HAD to happen at Wal-Mart!"
What is it with that place? Often, it's like some sort of Circus Side Show. Especially after 10pm. If ever I find myself in Wal-Mart at that hour, the song that goes, "The freaks come out at night", starts running through my head. I can't count the number of times I've been there when some kid has projectile vomited in some isle of the store.....I mean, if your kid is that sick, DON'T TAKE THEM TO THE STORE!......Leave them at home when you make that 11pm run for your itch cream and $2 imitation Crocs.
This one time, when me and the MRS. were on a date night, we did some late night shopping at Wal-Mart (because I am THAT romantic). We were in the clearance isle, looking at some seasonal stuff that was marked cheaper than cheap (nothing says love to my wife more than practically free stuff). That's when it started. You always know when it's going to start, cause you can either hear a screaming kid or some W-T (white-trash) talking way too loud. It went something like this:
WT Old Guy: "What?! WHAT!? I CAN'T HEAR YOU! HOLD ON! WHAT DID YOU SAY!?"
*turns out he was talking to someone on his cell phone who was evidently waiting outside*
WT Old Guy to Younger WT Lady with him: "She says hurry up!"
*kid starts screaming*
Young WT Lady to Old WT Guy: "I'm tryin"..........then to kid...."I SAID GET UP!"
*it's about this time we see them*
Description: Old WT Guy......Standard Dirty ole' man walking beside other two w/ his cell phone
Young WT Lady and Screaming Kid..........she pushing cart, kid sitting on floor,
both wearing raggedy pajama's
Old WT Guy: "Hurry UP!"
Young WT Lady (to kid): "I said get up! Get up now, or I'm gonna bust your ass!"
*kid is still sitting on floor, screaming, holding on to the back of cart*
*WT Lady starts pushing cart, kid starts dragging.......now he's stretched out like superman flying through a linoleum sky...............she keeps pushing cart, dragging kid*
I'm thinking: "Just let GO, kid!"
WT Lady stops after about 50 feet, leans down and starts wailing on kid's butt while yelling: "I SAID GET YOUR FUCKING ASS UP!"
Yep, another fun filled night at Wal-Mart...................I LOVE that store!
P.S. That new site, The People of Wal-Mart, is genius. Created by 3 fellow Hoosiers I might add.
P.S.S. No White Trash were disturbed during this episode. It is always best to observe them from afar while in their natural habitat.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
At one time, I worked at Lowe's. You know, the home improvement store. Anyway, I had been doing inventory. Inventory was done at nights, for a week straight. Needless to say, my sleep schedule was a little off. *I should also mention that I am somewhat of a heavy sleeper as I grew up in a house next to a train track.........plus getting to sleep has never come easy, so when I do finally go out, I am REALLY out*.
My wife was the church secretary. When I was at work, she would stay home with our son who was probably 1 1/2. Then, on my days off, she would go in and I would stay home with the boy.
Well, since inventory was at night, this meant all my days were "off" that week.
This particular day, the wife went in while I got the boy his breakfast. After breakfast, he assumed his normal position in front of the TV (don't judge me) for a little time with Elmo and Barney. We actually do limit our kids watching TV, but PBS in the mornings is usually OK.
Being worn out from a night of moving heavy stuff, I laid down on the couch to watch a little Sesame too.
At some point, I went out.
Next thing I know, I am awakened by something cold and wet covering my face.......and the sound of a maniacal toddler laughing. I open my eyes to pitch blackness. Confused and disoriented, and begin to sit up. It's then that I realize that my innocent and normally docile little name sake.......................... has placed the toilet plunger on my face!
Did I mention it was wet?!....................Do I have to spell out how it probably came to be that way?
As soon as I sat up, the boy who had only been walking for a few months, SPRINTED into the next room....................laughing all the way. I immediately started cussing....Hey, I had a potty mouth, literally. I mean, talk about being Shizfaced!...Okay,okay.....So, I hoped up, ran and washed my face. Then I called the Mrs. to tell her what happened and how it was her fault.
She promptly laughed in my ear. Hysterically!
After I hung up, I went to find my little plumber. I didn't kill him, but the thought of a baby swirly did cross my mind.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Honestly people! Don't we all know by now that when someone says, "What's Up?" or "Hey, how ya doing!", during casual conversation, that doesn't mean the person wants a 25 minute description of your latest medical procedure?!?!?! They were just trying to be polite. You know, like saying "Hi!". ...............idiot
Okay ladies. Riddle me this. Why do women who work in buildings with hard floors and echoy hallways always wear such loud heels?....*Clumpty, clackity, clippity, clumpty, CLACKITY,CLIPPITY,CLUMPTY,Clackity,clippity,clumpity*........Cheesy Fries! What are you doing, pulling a Budweiser wagon, lady?!?! Either wear quieter shoes or don't walk so determined.
I am a sinner saved by the Grace of Jesus Christ, whom I put my faith in. (short version)
(check out John 3:16-18 for a better definition)
Basically, this means that I chose to follow Christ and allow him into my life. Does this mean I am perfect? ABSOLUTELY NOT! I am still a sinful human living in a sinful world..........Now, before you go all, "More of that Christian crap again! Where's the humor, funnyman?!"....Hear me out...........I didn't check my brain at the door. This wasn't some blind leap of faith. I didn't have some "life-changing" experience. I arrived at my decision after years of careful study and exploration....And no, I am not trying to convert you either. There will be no alter call at the end of this post. That's something you'll have to work out yourself, if need be. (As Paul said, "Each of you should work out your own salvation with fear and trembling"....or something like that)......I am merely giving you my testimony as a disclaimer.
Occasionally, you will read something in my posts that doesn't sound too "Christian". That is probably because it is not. If you're not a Christian, PLEASE don't judge a religion by it's abuses, or Christianity by my jokes. I don't pretend to be a perfect person.....if I was, I wouldn't need Christ in my life, which I do. Trust me, I do ALOT of repenting. However, I will most likely continue to make fun of people of all races (Arabs), creeds, religions (Islam, Buddhists, Jehovah's Witnesses <----read cult), sexual preferences (fags, queers, gays, homos), IQ levels (i.e. stupid people and retards), immigrant status<---(read illegal Mexicans and Asians who can't drive), and liberals (definitely them). For you non-believers, PLEASE do not assume from my sometimes hate-filled but humorous posts that all Christians are hypocrites. This is NOT what the bible teaches us....This is not even how I truly feel, as I am hardly ever serious and will say anything for a laugh....I love all people, seriously!.....I just think it's funny to make fun of other people sometimes......Okay, all the time....but I digress.
(see above part about "alot of repenting")
Call it carnal living, call it Sunday Christianism, call it whatever, I just don't think that being a Christian means you have to stop laughing at stuff. The Bible says Jesus' sacrifice takes away our sins, NOT our sense of humor. Often times, we Christians take ourselves too seriously. We become bitter and judgmental. (As Christ said, “Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?" and "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone")........You draw more bees with honey than vinegar.
Now that I have thoroughly confused you and myself, I will close. If I ever offend you, I am sorry. Not all my jokes will be mean (I hope). If you doubt my Christianity, that is fine, as I don't answer to you................Enjoy!
P.S. I will also occasionally use bad words like crap, poop, piss, shiz, eff, WTF, WTH, and dang, but will try to control myself....Just saying.
Oh yeah, I HEART Jesus!