Wednesday, November 6, 2013

White Guilt - It's REAL

White people are full of guilt. Guilt over some shit that happened over 150 years ago.
Hell, we didn’t own slaves! No white person alive today ever owned a slave.

But we still feel that guilt.
We go out of our way to be extra nice to black people. Even put one in the white house.

It’s the media that keeps that racial tension shit alive.
And the black people.

They will play that card anytime they feel they are being wronged.
“Bitch, why you put pickle on my cheeseburger when I ordered it plain? It’s cause I’m black, it’s it. I bet if a white person would’ve ordered theirs plain, there wouldn’t be no pickle on their shit. You racist M-F’er!”

So we feel guilty.
My wife and I saw that movie Traffic in the theaters. You remember that movie?

After it ended, my wife turns to me and says, “Let’s go hug that black couple sitting over there.”

And I, because of white guilt, was like, “Yeah, that’s a good idea. Let’s do it.”
Then my brain was like, “Whoa…hold up. Are you friggin crazy! You don’t go hugging on some strange black person. Do you want your ass beat?”

I’m like, “Hang on a second babe. On second thought, we’ll just make a donation to the NAACP.”
But nowadays, Arabs are the new Blacks.

Now don’t get jealous black people. I don’t mean we are going to put Arabs in chains and make them do manual labor, only to free them, give them the vote, and eventually pay them millions of dollars to play sports for our leisure.
No, what I mean is, when you see an arab nowadays, like at the seven eleven or the cellphone accessory kiosk in the mall or on a plane…doesn’t your sphincter pucker a little.

Used to be, white people would see blacks, and they would get scared. Lock their doors. Women would clutch their purses a little tighter.
Now, when we see Arabs, we either walk the other way incase they explode, or we get ready to tackle them incase they reach for a detonator.

The poor guy at the kiosk learned that the hard way the other day. I felt bad afterwards. Turns out he was just reaching for his phone to show me we had the same kind.
But white people don’t fear blacks like they used too. We are more worried about them not liking us.

“I sure hope this black guy doesn’t hold what my relatives did to his relatives 150 years ago against me.”

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

The Indian Who Wasn't

While helping a veteran get a new ID Card at the VA today, I noticed he had a really neat "Native Pride" hat on.

It said "Native Pride" on the bill, and had a large embroidered Dream-catcher with a wolf's head in the center.

The following exchange took place:

Me: "I love your hat."
Him: "Thanks!"
Me: "What tribe?"
Him: "Huh?"
Me: "What tribe are you from?"
Him: "What do you mean?"
Me: "Aren't you Native American?"
Him: "Yeah! I was born in St. Louis, Missouri!"
Me: "Oh....I thought maybe you were Indian."
Him: "I'm Irish."

Turns out, a friend bought him the hat in Arizona because she knew he liked to read about the Indians.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Second Chances-Clean & Sober version

After discussing the previously mentioned evening with various folks in attendance, I think I finally figured out what Joke/Story I was attempting to tell at the reunion.

If I had been clean & sober, it would have gone something like this:

My dad calls me in the middle of church the other day.
Now dad has had some health problems lately, so when I see it’s him calling, I think it’s an emergency.
I run out of church to answer his call and this is what I get:
Dad: “Do you have a sickle?"
Me: “A what?”
Dad: “A sickle! Like you cut weeds with?”
Me: “No. I have a weedeater for that.”
Dad: “Nah, I’ve got one of those, I want a sickle. Wonder where I can get one.”
Me: “I don’t know..........maybe the 1800’s?”
Couldn’t he just wait a couple months and borrow the Grim Reapers?
Not sure being sober makes it any funnier, but it was funny when it happened.


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