Friday, September 25, 2009

Friday Funnies......

Probably for the first time in my life, I'm walking out to the parking lot yesterday after work, and I can't remember where I parked. I start looking around and hitting the clicker and thinking, "Maybe it's stolen?".......Yeah, from a FEDERAL parking lot!.....That's fenced in and patrolled!....It was sad.....I should have been wearing a dress.
Finally, I found it. I hung my head in shame, and raised my arm as if to say, "Yes. I'm a woman at the Mall after a long shopping trip.".........However, that's when my genius kicked in.......Car locators built into the keyfob!....Yes!....Like those Brickhouse child locator things in the Energizer Battery commercials.....But instead of finding your lost heathens at the park because you're an irresponsible parent who is too distracted by your romance novel to watch your kids, it would point you towards your car....You know, after shopping at the store and coming out the wrong door and the parking lot is crowded and "Everything looks the same" (in a high-pitched airheady voice).
That would totally be bigger than Velcro and Intermittent Wipers!........Don't even THINK of stealing my stuff!

Last evening, my oldest is showing his graded papers to me and the wife, in some not-so-vague attempt to receive praise and acceptance....One page at a time!..For dramatic effect!...As if he is savoring each, "Good Job, Buddy!" (not his real name)
Finally, there was a break in the action <----read eye-plucking torture.....I make my way to the back of the house, because I had important stuff to do in the can.....Next thing you know, I hear foot steps....Then he's asking me to open the door so he can keep showing me papers!.....I'm thinking, "Dude, you are seriously breaking my DON'T-TALK-TO-ME-THROUGH-THE-DOOR-WHILE-I'M-THROWING-THE-BROWN-TROUT-BACK-INTO-THE-POND Rule!"......But I said, "I'll be out in a minute(<--read hour), can't it wait?" He says,"I'll just slide them under the door.".....Great!.......This goes on for about 3 or 4 papers....back and forth....footsteps through the house....papers arrive under the door....."That's a Great Job!" or "Ooh, Nice one!"..etc,etc...then more footsteps.....Why he didn't bring back more than one at a time, I have no idea........Finally, this GEM.....He slides the paper under the door right as his mom yells for him, and he says this, "I'm walking away now, so don't compliment me until I get back.".......Nice.

I found my wedding ring on the floor (AGAIN) this morning.....That happens ALOT!...I'm actually on ring number 2....Yeah, my wife is super thrilled about that.......I never take my ring off when I'm awake, only in my sleep...................I must be having an affair in my dreams.

Cool Ranch Doritos rock! Almost as much as UNC Basketball! (Travis)

We got rid of our old dining room table and are getting a new one from our church. Broke my youngest boys heart....long story....you can read about it on my wife's blog here, if you want.....Anyway, the boy<----read drama king, was heartbroken.....I was supposed to pick up the new table last night, but it was raining, and I didn't want to get it wet. So we ate dinner on the dining room floor like squatters....This morning, the little guy comes in as I'm getting ready for work and says, "When are we getting our new table?" I said, "New table? What new table?", cause I like stirring the pot.....He says, "The new table mommy said we were getting to replace the old table." ......Because I'm a GREAT dad, I say, "Oh, your mom changed her mind and we're not getting it. We're gonna keep eating on the floor like Japanese people. Won't that be FUN?"........enter tears.......

9 comments:

Travis said...

This is why I want children. To have my man time interrupted and so that I can make someone cry. That's real.

Also, on a side note, you're an ass. DUKE AND NACHO CHEESE, BABY!!!

CK Lunchbox said...

The lost car thing... so many embarrassing stories. My favorite didn't happen to me though. A young lady came out to her car only to find four guys sitting in it. She asked them several times to get out, but the guys just kept laughing at her. Finally she pulled out a small handgun from her purse. It was assholes and elbows flying out of the her car. Thing was, when she got in the key wouldn't fit. Her car was two rows over.

adrienzgirl said...

I just want to say...Ed...ASS! I have never "misplaced" my vehicle. Next, I haven't been able to go to the bathroom without interruption for 18 years now, welcome to being a Mommy. And lastly, why the hell do Daddy moments with children always include children in tears? My husband does the same thing to mine, and finds it freakin' hilarious. I have to console, and explain the difference between Daddy being a Kidder and LIAR.

Anyhoo....one of these days we are gonna quit telling the kids you are kidding! It will be a movement. :D

Lily said...

If that isn't a reason to have children, then I don't know what is.

Well...maybe the ball pit. I kind of want to have kids so I can play in the ball pit.

Phillipia said...

Sometimes you are an ass; other times you are freakin' funny:)

Daffy said...

Ass or not - I think it's funny. SO TOTALLY something I'd do my kid. Good Stuff Ed.... good stuff

Sebastian said...

Oh my... you're a whole lot funnier than I thought you would be when read the title of your blog.

'Oh dear, an American dabbling with irony again... well, gulp, let's see how he does...'

And you're ACTUALLY quite funny! Chrikee.

Anyway, sounds like you're a great father -- despite how you try to sound mean, actually looking at those grade papers while you dump is the kind of thing that only a GREAT DAD would do.

Wish my dad was as understanding as you!

Tamara aka Cheapskate Mom said...

LOL I love that you told him you were going to eat on the floor like Japanese people do! I was reading along thinking I would tell my kids this...then you said it! lol

An eww on your description of pooping. Double eww!

My kids know to leave me alone but my damned weiner dogs shove their noses in the crack of the door and sniff and whine. Weirdos...

Karen, author of "My Funny Dad, Harry" said...

So funny about reading those papers one by one in the bathroom and the missing dining room table. This is my first visit to your blog but I'll be back! Came over through Cheapskate mom.

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