Friday, September 11, 2009

Who you calling Ms. Muffet???!!!!!!!!!!?????

I know everybody posts something about bugs or spiders, but I haven't. Until now.
See, spiders and me don't get along. My wife would tell you I'm terrified of them (but she's a liar pants). I understand spiders serve a valuable service by eating other pesky bugs. However, when they enter my space, I am instantly overcome with a strong, STRONG, strong urge/desire to kill them. And when a say kill, I mean total "there's-noway-you're-gettin-me" deathtoyou. And when I say instantly, I mean regardless of my current situation. On several occasions, I have almost wrecked cars, golf carts, mopeds, magic carpets, you name it; all because of a spider. I'm not proud. It's sad. There is a complete disregard of personal and public safety when I'm stalking Arachnid. I'll use anything for the job. Sprays. Important papers. Babies. Whatever. I'm getting that spider.
I don't know where this comes from. It's like something comes over me. I get tunnel vision. All I see or care about is that spidey. It must die! Maybe it was all the times I used to see them hiding in the corners of my room or shower when I was a kid. Yeah, I now know they were Daddy Longlegs; but to an 8 year old, those were Tarantulas with rabies. Or maybe it was the time in Florida during Spring Break my sophomore year, when I watched a black widow drop down from the bunk above me and hover there on a single web line. Since I was at a camp, bunked in a room with 10 other guys who were all watching it too, I had to resist the urge to kill it/freakout/scream like a 4 year old girl for fear of loosing my "man card" before I even got it. It might also be from all the Brown Recluse bites I saw and treated in the Navy. *Vomit*
Regardless, it's best to not let me near your pet spider, less it become a gooey mess.
Most recently, I went out to my truck (ok,'s a Honda Ridgeline, but still) after work. Got in and started heading home. It was hot, so I cracked the windows. My truck has those air deflector things over the windows. In my peripheral vision, I sense movement. Spidey sense takes over. Tunnel vision kicks in. Truck comes to complete stop. In middle of busy road. I turn to face advisory. It's nasty. It's up in the corner where the air deflector meets the window. I quickly roll up the window before it's able to leap/jump/wrap me in a food cocoon. I start driving again, oblivious to all the stopped traffic and honking horns. 50 mph. 60 mph. 70 mph. 80 mph. Stupid air deflectors. I take the corner to the house sideways. Pull into the yard. Throw open the door. Jump clear of the truck and ninja roll across the lawn. Run to the garage. Grab the spray. Head back to the truck. *spit,spit,sputter,spit* SLAPCHOP! Stupid spray! Empty when I need you most! I start to grab the hose, but I see it start to drop. Evidently enough spray stunned him. Slowly slides down window, drops down door, and lands in the grass. By this time, my wife has come to the door to laugh at me (compassionate person that she is).
That spider was alien. Even my wife agreed that it was not a native species. Huge whitish, yellowish, brownish, deadlyish thing. I'm sure it arrived on my truck door via meteor. We watched it limp across the yard for awhile in wonder. I debated on how to finish it off. My wife said something like, "Just step on it, you PANSY!" Hey now, you never know if its got some kind of egg sack on it's back and then you're carrying it on the bottom of your shoe. Next thing you know, you have an army of motherless alien arachnids all over your house and their pissed off and looking for revenge.


David Richmond Smith said...

Perhaps this site might be helpful. Course it might just cause you to attack your computer as well.

Ed Adams said...

Thanks David. You now owe the US Government a new 21" flat screen monitor.

Travis said...

I'm with ya, homie. I'll roll in a field full of snakes before I'll mess with spider. I leave them alone for the most part, lessen they come onto my turf.

Ed Adams said...

True that, Travis. Unless I SEE them outside, then I still have to kill them.

tori said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tamara aka Cheapskate Mom said...

Oh my sides hurt from laughing so hard! I am sooooooooo bad when it comes to spiders. I first make my husband or sons kill them and if no one else is around then I go into scaredy pants hunter mode. I won't go near the thing...usually 5 feet is the closest I will come. I find that using aerosol hair spray works great. Just lean in and spray (like Aqua Net is as close to glue as you can get!) This usually causes them to fall, I then find the heaviest book near me and throw it hard over the spider. Then I make sure I put on a shoe and jump on the book over and over. Once when I moved the book, the effer was still alive - scared the CRAP out of me!

Oh and the driving...I've done that too. We had a huge spider on my passenger side mirror and my 6 year old and I took a nice drive on the freeway. Going 80 MPH - that jerk clung on for dear life with all of his legs. I finally had to turn back towards home before I crossed a state line, lol!

I used my windshield wiper fluid and eventually he got pissed and flew off. It still took me about a week to get up the nerve to open that door because I convinced myself that he had crawled in the crack and was waiting to spring revenge on me!

Spiders are freaky!

DiPaola Momma said...

Ed, DUDE, how the hell did I MISS this post! Thank God for Tena or things would have been looking very laugh induced tsunami around my place.


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