No, this isn't about my grandma. This is a lovely little story about a grandma who come into a medical clinic I worked at some years back. This was a big clinic. We had 9 physicians, tons of nurses and support staff, pharmacy, lab, x-ray, minor surgery suite, etc.....kinda like a little hospital.
Anyway, this Grandma was brought in by a concerned family member cause she had blood in her stool. Nice, right. It gets better. One of the docs (a new MD) was seeing her and after a while he comes down to get my doc, also a fairly new MD, to take a look and offer extra advice on treatment. So we go down to see Gran. She's on one of the tables with her legs all up in stirrups, buck naked from the waist down. Turns out, Grammy has Anal Fissures. These are like tears around the butthole. Nope, no one had been violating the old lady. Evidently, she had been having some really big poops, and hadn't been getting properly cleaned afterwards. Plus, when you're old, the skin tears easily. She was like 90.
Anyway, these things were big, bad, and bleeding. The docs were really puzzling over this. Do they stitch'em? Do the just order some peri-wash and antibiotics? What to do? They were both down there leaning in...talking...pointing....more talking. Then, BOOM! Grandma rips a big one! I mean, "can of chili" big one! Right in their faces! This in itself would have been funny, but didn't I mention the BLEEDING anal fissures. That's right. Both docs were buck shot in the face with butt blood. And not a little bit either. Looked like they had just been hunting with Dick Cheney. Of course, they had forgotten to wear faceshields (bet that never happens again). Grandma was like, "Oops. Sorry."
Thank God I was standing up by her head!