I'm Headed For The Hills.

I almost titled this "Hillbilly Vacation: Too Many Banjos For National Lampoons"

The kiddies are on Fall Break this week, so we are heading South.

Land of my roots, here we come!

We are taking my cancer-riddled mother down to Virginia to visit the place she was born and spend time with some relatives.

Both my parents are from Virginia, and moved to Indiana in the early 60's for the actual civilization manufacturing jobs created during automotive boom.

My dad actually left before that. After a trouble-filled stint in the Marines, and spending 2 weeks in a coal mine, he trekked out west to California for a few years.

He eventually returned to Virginia to claim his bride.

Obviously, he had brain damage from all the second-hand marijuana smoke out there was in love.

Since he was seven years older than my mom, he had to wait for her to become legal turn 18.

This WAS Virginia, afterall, and NOT Kentucky.
It will be great to visit my family again and hopefully get some good southern cooking.

We used to visit all the time when I was a kid, but I haven't been there since 2005, and that was for my grandmothers funeral.

The wife and kids have NEVER been there (and it's because it's an 8+hr car ride and my kids are nuts). And my mom hasn't been for over 10 years.

Soooooo....we are off.

Wish me luck. I might push myself off a mountain while I'm down there.


P.S. I hope to post on Twitter and update my Facebook status while gone with Highlights of the trip. Maybe even a few pics. <--(Assuming there is cell coverage/internet access in the sticks)
Make sure you follow along to track our progress and catch all the hilarity.

More Chatting With AT&T Service Reps: Ms. ANNA Reset.

Since I have been falsely and racially (what? I'm part Cherokee!) accused of making these chat conversations up, I copy/pasted/posted this one in it's entirety, with only minimal editing (in BLUE) to save space.

It's long. (TWSS)

Enjoy! (TWHS)

Anna: Thank you for contacting Business Data Support. My name is Anna. Before we begin, can I confirm the wireless number that we will be working with is 7655062367?

Edward Adams: yep

Anna: Thank you.

Anna: I understand you are unable to access the Internet?

Edward Adams: yep

Anna:   *paraphrasing here* Do this and that and clear a bunch of stuff and tell her what it says

Edward Adams: "No Network Connection: Cannot connect to Internet. Please check your connection settings and try again."

Anna: OK.

Anna: Are you able to clear those settings?

Edward Adams: I did. It took me back to the browser, but still says "Web page not found"

Anna: Thank you.

Anna: Please remove the battery & let me know when it is out.

Edward Adams: its out

Anna: One moment please.

Anna: Thank you for waiting. Please put this in & power it back on

Edward Adams: powering up now

Anna: Thank you.

Edward Adams: okay, now what

Anna: Is this displaying 3G or E by the service bars?

Edward Adams: nope

Anna: Same error when you try to access the Internet?

Edward Adams: yep

Anna: Thank you.

Anna: Go into settings, accounts & sync, do you have a check mark for background data?

Edward Adams: yes

Anna: Thank you.

Anna: Let's go ahead & remove the battery one more time, this time remove the SIM as well please.

Edward Adams: okay

Anna: Thank you. May I get the number on the SIM please? It states with 890.

Edward Adams: 89014103211816049914

Anna: Thank you.

Anna: Please put this back in & power it back on.

Edward Adams: I don't get this. It was working until yesterday afternoon.

Edward Adams: Did I break the internet? hahahaha

Anna: I don't think that you broke it. Haha. Have you been to any other location since this issue began?

Edward Adams: Nope. Just home and work

Edward Adams: I use the wifi at home

Anna: Are you at home or work right now?

Edward Adams: work

Edward Adams: ssssshhhh…don’t tell

Anna: Oh, I won't. When you were at home, did you try the browser without Wi-Fi to see if the issue was still occurring?

Edward Adams: yes and it was

Anna: Thank you. How far away is your work from home?

Edward Adams: about 3 miles

Edward Adams: My wifi is not THAT good

Edward Adams: Currently still no network on phone

Anna: I understand, I am just trying to determine if this is a network issue.

Anna: Is this your only AT&T device that you have available right now?

Edward Adams: yes, BUT my wife called and hers is doing the same thing and she has the same phone too.

Edward Adams: her number is 7655061845

Edward Adams: I guess that’s what we get for buying the refurb phones from AT&T…lol

Anna: Okay. It does appear that it may be a network issue, but we do have to complete all troubleshooting to be able to look into filing a network ticket. At this point, I would recommend a factory data reset. This will wipe the device back to factory settings, so you will want to make sure that you have it backed up, either to your Gmail account, SIM, or media on the SD card.

Edward Adams: oh crap

Edward Adams: how do I do all that?

Anna: Your contacts should be automatically synced with Gmail unless you changed that setting when you setup the phone. Are you able to access your Gmail account while at work to verify?

Edward Adams: Look, it’s OBVIOUSLY not just MY phone. Let's just say we did this thing, without doing it, and you put in the ticket.

Anna: I cannot do that, we would need to try this. The settings can be caught in the device where the master reset will resolve the issue.

Edward Adams: Plus, I only see my gmail contacts in gmail, not my phone contacts.

Anna: We can also copy the contacts to your SIM card, it will copy one phone number per name, up to 250 contacts.

Edward Adams: What about the apps I downloaded? AND all my passwords and stuff?

Edward Adams: Do you know how long it took me to setup up this phone so I could use all my stuff?!!!

Edward Adams: PLUS, all the data usage I already used up getting them in the first place....are you guys going to refund that if I have to do it all over again?

Edward Adams: And why is it affecting both phones on our account? I don't see how resetting my phone is going to fix my wife's too

Anna: If it resolves your device, than the same steps will resolve hers. All troubleshooting must be completed to get approval to file a network ticket.

Edward Adams: :(

Edward Adams: ANNA! Come on!

Edward Adams: Seriously?

Anna: It does have to be done, if it is not done & a ticket is filed, it will go nowhere.

Edward Adams: grrrr.....I should just box these up and send them back to AT&T and switch to Verizon.

Edward Adams: We haven't even had these a month and now they BOTH go down at the SAME TIME.

Anna: I do understand if you feel that way, it is not the best process but this is the fastest solution. If you had them less than 30 days, you can also exchange them for buyers remorse.

Edward Adams: okay, since you are unwilling to bend the rules or deviate from your script, how do I move every to my card.

Anna: From Home screen, tap Contacts, amd export to SIM card.

Edward Adams: Seriously, Anna, this network issue is common sense. You are losing serious cool points with me.

Anna: I understand, however, everything does have to be done.

Edward Adams: Luckily, all but one of my contacts were already on my sim card.

Edward Adams: what about the apps?

Anna: Go into settings, applications, manage applications. From here you can select each application & if available you can move it to the SD card. Personally, I think logging in from the computer after the reset & going into your history and resending them to your phone is a bit easier.

Edward Adams: And logging in works?

Anna: That is how I have restored my applications. You just select the application and select download & it automatically starts downloading onto your phone again.

Edward Adams: okay. I'll take your word for it and do it at home over wifi.

Edward Adams: now what

Anna: To do the master reset, go into settings, privacy, factory data reset.

Edward Adams: OMG! You better hope this works. If it doesn't, I am sooooooo sending zombies to your house!

Anna: I understand completely.

Anna: While this is going, may I get your current location address as well please?

Edward Adams: Are you talking my home address or my work, cause I am currently at work.

Anna: Your work address please.

Edward Adams: I work for the Federal Government. I can't tell you that. I could, but I would have to kill you if I did.

Edward Adams: lol

Edward Adams: 1700 E. 38th St., Marion, Indiana

Anna: Thank you.

Anna: How is this going?

Edward Adams: slowly

Edward Adams: Like a spelling bee with a bunch of dyslexic stuttering kids

Anna: Hahahaha…Okay.

Edward Adams: Home screen, FINALLY!

Anna: Is this displaying 3G or E by the service bars?

Edward Adams: OMG! ANNA!!!!

Edward Adams: My phone just exploded in a million pieces. There is shrapnel EVERYWHERE!

Edward Adams: J/k...it’s working

Edward Adams: I'll call off the zombies

Anna: Haha.

Edward Adams: Excellent. Now, come to my house and download all my apps again for me.

Anna: You will want to try the same steps with your wife's phone. I can email you this steps so you have them available.

Edward Adams: That would be great, thanks. She'll love you for deleting her Angry Birds high score, I can tell you already.

Anna: It is possible that the troubleshooting will work before needing to go as far as a master reset.

Edward Adams: I hope so. For your sake anyway, cause she's not nearly as forgiving and nice as me.

Edward Adams: :)

Anna: Haha. Do you have any other questions I can assist you with?

Edward Adams: What's the meaning of life? Why is the sky blue? Where is Jimmy Hoffa? Why can't the Cubs win the World Series? Where is Waldo AND Carmen Sandiago? What should I have for lunch? What are tonights Powerball numbers?

Edward Adams: other than those....nope.

Edward Adams: Thanks again.

Anna: Hahahaha…You are VERY welcome.

Anna: Thank you for your business and have a pleasant day.

Reunion Update & Demotivational Posters: From Funny Stuff I Found Online

Here's a quick follow-up to the mini-class reunion thing I attended last Friday.

First, the Homecoming Parade. 

Our Town ALWAYS does kickass parades.  The best is 4th of July, but they will have a parade just to have one, it doesn't matter the reason...."Farmer Jim's cow just gave birth, LET'S HAVE A PARADE!!!"

And they ALWAYS do it up right.

Well, it was super cold and windy, so the people carrying signs were basically parachuting and hang-gliding down Main St.

Then, to top it off.....it rained.  Yes, it rained on our parade.

Added with the cold and wind, it made the Queen candidates rethink their strapless dress choices.

The Homecoming game itself sucked just as much.

Final score: Mississinewa 20, Madison-Grant 34. 

We headed to the bar, pretty sour after the loss.

Upon arriving, I had that momentary sense that I had been punked by my classmates.

There was hardly anyone there, except a few totally wasted old-timers and regulars.

Then, my classmates started trickling in. Everybody started talking and catching up.

The talking soon turned to shouting, as the DJ cranked up the music.

The waitress had asked what class we were ('93), and the DJ tried playing songs from our era.

Sadly, the poor kid had no idea, as he was probably listening to Barney & Friends in the 90's.

But all was forgiven after he played some of our requests and once enough liquor had been consumed.

Unfortunately, no pictures were taken by Yours Truly. My cell battery was almost dead.

Also, one classmate had warned that if any pics of him at the bar showed up on Facebook, he would lose his job at the local christian college.

Seems some denominations still believe Jesus and HisBoys drank Koolaide at the Last Supper.

I'm Presbyterian, so I had a Holy Heineken. Or 4.

Highlights of the evening: Probably the most complemented thing, besides my Speedo, was my wife Shufflin' on the dance floor to LMFAO's Party Rock Anthem.

I was asked several times if I was still doing Standup comedy, and when I would be doing it again.

FEAR NOT!! I am planning on returning to the stage soon.

Several people said they enjoyed my blog, which I was both flattered by and amazed to learn that many classmates actually read it.

I also learned one classmate doesn't use computers or cellphones. When he told me he was living in Pennsylvania, I asked if he had become Amish, which I thought a legitimate question, even given his lack of chinstrap beard and homely/fat wife.

Overall, about 18 or my 164 classmates turned up. Not bad.

Our FACEBOOK class group has about 110 members, so I thought there might be a few more.

But several have moved out of state, or had work things, or kid things, or some other BS.

A few had the rockhard alibi of being DEAD, but even that only gets you so far.

Regardless, I hope we can all do it again sometime. It was great to see everyone.

Especially the NOT dead ones.

Now, some posters I made...........................

It's Homecoming!!! Let's Party!

For those of you who don't know, but should, I graduated from Mississinewa High School.

I can't believe it's been 18 years already. It seems like both yesterday and longer.

Although I don't remember much drugs, hindsighted nostalgia makes me think it was a great time with friends.

In actuality, it was probably a lot of detention, ditching, hating life, and wishing I were somewhere else.

Awwwww....teenage angst.

I remember having lots of friends, and not really hanging with any one particular group/clique.

I had friends who were nerds, jocks, hoods (punks, headbangers/metal heads, skaters, pre-goth goths), and the popular chosen few.

Who knows what group my classmates put me in. I still don't care about that crap.

Most probably saw me as just a normal kid. Or maybe class clown.

I played sports. Mostly Football, wrestling, and track. I was actually really good at wrestling.

I was decent at football. I might have even of played college football and been an undrafted free-agent in the NFL,  if Mr. Mckenzie hadn't kicked me off the team my senior year for ditching practice and getting caught chewing snuff in school.

I guess we'll never know, WILL WE MR. MCKENZIE?!?!

Bitter much?

After that, my recruitment letter from Univeristy College of Puerto Rico A&M State Tech was recinded.

It was a small school. Like NCAA Division 5 or something.

We would have played our games in the the stadium, which was basically the Dean/Athletic Director/Coach/History Professor's backyard.

But he kept the grounds nice.

But it's all for naught now. Thanks McKenzie.

In truth, tonight is Homecoming and a bunch of my classmates who are Facebook friends are getting together at a local club after the game.

It will be nice to see everyone and reminice. Maybe they can tell me what I did in High School.

I hope they introduce themselves. I am terrible with names and barely recognize faces. When they have just their married names listed on Facebook, I have no idea who they are.

Regardless, it should be fun.

I doubt they will recognize me though. I have gotten decidedly more handsomer, which I didn't even know was possible.

How does one improve on perfection? He just does. Thanks nature.

I've been debating on what to wear tonight. Most of my Ole Miss gear is long gone.

After some searching, the obvious and thoroughly appropriate answer is THIS:

Now, I just need to find a red speedo with a white M on it. 

AND an extra-large carrying capacity in front.

A Rant By Comic Strip, Facebook Follies, And Some Funny FAIL Pics

When a guy goes to the restroom in a public place/business, he expects to comfortably do his business and get out quickly, with as little mess as possible.

Since guys can stand to pee, our restrooms aren't as crowded and trips aren't as involved as when women go.

When we go, we expect to assume the normal position, as such:

Or...

Because urinals USUALLY are installed in ONLY two height ranges. USUALLY!

So, imagine my surprise, when I went in expecting the normal/average height urinal like such...

Only to discover that this establishment had invented a NEW installation height...

Now granted, I'm not the dashingly tall Greek Adonis that I once was.

It's true, I have lost about 4 inches in height since High School.

But I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person to use this restroom only to find the bottom lip of the urinal even with my NIPPLES.

Was I confused? Maybe it's not a urinal. Maybe it's some sort of face washing fixture?

I resisted the temptation to try.

It might not have been as bad, IF this hadn't been the ONLY urinal, AND the toilet was currently occupied.

Thankfully, what God took from me in height, He more than blessed me with *eyebrow waggle* in length, so I didn't need to ask for a step ladder.  

I just unrolled my junk, slung it up and over, and started my whiz biz. 

That's when things got worse.

The normal spray, splash, or blow-back that might hit your thighs or tops of your shoes at a NORMAL size urinal was now hitting me IN.THE.FACE.

It was like riding a jet-ski into the crest of a wave, repeatedly.

I needed I bib & goggles.

 

 Or a Welder's Mask!

SERIOUSLY, if a restaurant is going to be racist against average height people, they should be required to post the following warning on the door.

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I rarely get on The Facebook any more.

I can't help it I lead an exciting and envied lifestyle.

But when I do, I enjoy letting people know what I think.

Here's what you are missing by not being my Friend.

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And now, just some pictures I saw and wanted you to see.

Wacky Weird News Wednesday: The "I Have Bronchitis Addition".

Yes, I have Sinusitis/Bronchitis. It is affecting my train of thought, so if these stories and comments make less sense than usual, that is probably why.

Enjoy

Giant Alien Snails Attack Miami, Though They're Not in Much of a Rush

MIAMI—Floridians have grown accustomed to invasions of exotic creatures, like the Burmese pythons slithering throughout the Everglades. But residents here are especially grossed out by the latest arrivals: giant African land snails that grow as long as eight inches, chew through plants, plaster and stucco, and sometimes carry a parasite that can infect humans with a nonlethal strain of meningitis.
The gastropods are among the most dangerous in the world, agriculture officials say. They each have male and female reproductive organs and can lay 1,200 eggs a year, allowing them to proliferate rapidly. Thousands of them have infested at least five separate neighborhoods in the Miami area.
Homeowners who discover the creatures in their yards often find them disgusting. The snails' engorged bodies extend far from their shells, and they eat so ravenously that they leave trails of excrement on walls and the ground.

Just another reason to avoid Miami.

Married Nurse Sends Mash Note to 13-Year-Old in Breakfast Burrito
Meet Amy Blose, a 37-year-old married mother of two who was arrested this week for attempting to contact a 13-year-old boy who she's been accused of sexually assaulting. Her method of contact: Burrito.
If you've been accused of statutory rape, it's probably in your best interests to not try and contact your alleged victim. But Blose apparently wasn't thinking of her best interests when she asked one of her victim's classmates
“to bring him a breakfast burrito she purchased from a restaurant with a note stuck in the wrapper that read, "Hey babe, I love you forever." [...] Police learned last week that Blose had written the note inside the wrapper of a Sonic breakfast burrito—the boy's favorite breakfast—and allegedly asked a 15-year-old girl to give it to him at school. When the boy received the burrito, he notified his parents, who contacted police.”
Yes, the old "burrito method." Sneaky! But it only works if your message's intended recipient doesn't turn you over to his parents.

Beware cougars bearing breakfast foods.

Blowjobs Are Actually Causing Cancer
You know that wives' tale about oral sex causing cancer? Turns out it's true, if the genitals in your throat have HPV, the vaccine-preventable virus that also causes cervical cancer.
American researchers say throat cancer caused by HPV (generally transmitted to throats during oral sex) has "increased significantly" over the last 20 years.
“Researchers tested tumor samples from 271 patients with certain types of throat cancer diagnosed from 1984 to 2004. The virus was found in only 16 percent of the samples from the 1980s—but in 72 percent of those collected after 2000.The researchers estimated that over all, throat cancers caused by the virus have increased to 2.6 per 100,000 people in 2004 from 0.8 cases per 100,000 people in 1988. If the trend continues, by 2020 the virus will be causing more throat cancer than cervical cancer, the study concluded.”
Unlike cervical cancer, "oropharyngeal cancers" have no screening equivalent to the pap smear.

I think we can all agree, it's still an acceptable risk for the ladies to take.

Fake Girlfriend Texting Service Sheds Single Status And Gets You Female Attention
They say the best way to get a girlfriend is to already have one. So why not try FakeGirlfriend.co, a new texting service that will let you leave your single status behind you.
With the cunning tagline, "Because you don't want to look lame", your pretend girlfriend will not only text you, she'll also call with a pre-recorded message.
The way it works? According to FakeGirlfriend.co, you need to save the Fake Girlfriend number into your phone under her fictitious name. Then, when you're out with friends or a woman you're trying to make jealous, just text that number. You'll shortly get a text and then a pre-recorded call.
For the moment, the service won't cost you a cent. Founder Ricky Robinett tells the Huffington Post over email: "Right now the service is free. I'm looking into expanding some options that monetize the service, but nothing is in place for that yet."
This probably won't be able to convince your friends for long, as the service doesn't include a real life person. Having said that, it should help you attract more females, if a study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology is anything to go by. The findings showed a woman's attraction to a man almost doubled when they were told he was taken, as opposed to single.
And if you really want to keep your taken relationship status convincing, you could even subscribe to Cloud Girlfriend. Launched last March, the service allows you to create a fake, but perfect Facebook girlfriend to your liking. She'll write on your wall with the intent to make your friends and potential suitors very jealous.
Or perhaps you could even hire a real-life fake girlfriend for an occasion. China Daily reports there's a surge in these arrangements just before Chinese New Year where single men would rather fake a relationship to family than admit one's embarrassing single status.

They used to say the same thing about wearing a wedding ring.

It's like all women are secretly Mormon.

Donald Gartner Arrested In Jail Parking Lot Hours After Being Released
Donald Gartner has become a familiar face at the Pasco County Jail.
The St. Petersburg Times reports that Gartner was arrested Oct. 2 for criminal mischief, released and then re-arrested for allegedly trying to break into cars in the jail parking lot less than two hours after he was freed.
Sheriff's deputies say they discovered Gartner crawling out from under the bushes at his neighbor's house. A witness complained he was urinating on the bushes, the Times reports.
A witness told authorities they saw him shake a neighbor's porch light until the glass panels fell out, according to the arrest report obtained by the Times.
Land O'Lakes Patch reports that Gartner was then released later that night. At around 10 p.m., Gartner allegedly tried to open the doors of a parked Acura in the jail's lot, according to a separate arrest report.
When the owner started screaming, Gartner said he thought the car was his, the report said.
He allegedly tried the same stunt with a different car. A police officer said he witnessed the incident and notified jail deputies. Gartner was rearrested on two counts of attempted auto burglary, Patch reports. Gartner remained in the Pasco County Jail Tuesday morning, according to the AP.
These two October arrests are not the only times Gartner has found himself behind Pasco County jail bars, The Huffington Post has learned.
Jail arrest records show that Gartner has been booked into the Pasco County pokey seven times since 2008.
In August, Gartner was arrested for assault on an emergency personnel and resisting an officer with violence.

He gets bonus points for his persistance.

Scuba divers left behind in Florida
The US Coast Guard said Tuesday it was investigating a Florida tourism company that left behind two tourists while they were scuba diving.
The tourists -- Paul Kline and Fernando Garcia Puerta -- were rescued by a private yacht which found them clinging to a buoy in shark-infested waters.
"The incident is under investigation," Coast Guard spokeswoman Sabrina Elgammal told AFP.
"We got a call that the two people were picked up in the sea and there was no medical harm and they went back to port," she said.
RJ Diving Ventures of Miami Beach took a group of 30 people, including Kline and Garcia, in a boat to scuba dive in the open ocean, the Miami Herald reported.
When Kline and Garcia surfaced, however, they found that the boat had gone.
"We were in shock," Kline, 44, told the newspaper. "We could easily have died."
RJ Diving Ventures did not respond to requests for comment.
The two said they clung to a fishing buoy and around 6:00 pm as it was getting dark they were spotted by passengers on a yacht.
"We could see two divers with all their equipment and an inflated red tube," the yacht's capitan Elie Trichet told the Herald.
"You could notice a strong feeling of relief" Trichet said. "They had been clinging to that buoy for two hours hoping somebody would rescue them."

Wasn't this a movie?

Talk about "chumming the waters", they were doing that in their wetsuits.

Do animals smile?
This article was too long to post, but suffice it to say, that after spending years and millions of dollars on a worthless research study, Yes, animals do smile. And they even laugh.

OR bus driver accused of berating mom, crying baby
PORTLAND, Ore. (AP) — A driver in Oregon's largest public transit agency berated a woman and her crying baby into getting off a bus in a Portland suburb, saying "I can't drive with that noise," another passenger said Monday.
Over the loudspeaker, the female bus driver told the woman to distract the baby to quiet it down, passenger Jennifer Chapman said. Other passengers muttered that the driver should "just drive the bus, just do your job," she said.
When the mother and the baby got off the bus at a stop in Hillsboro, other passengers also left en masse in protest, she added.
Mary Fetsch, a spokeswoman for the agency that runs mass transit in the Portland metropolitan area, said TriMet's policy is not to remove people such as women with children from a bus. The driver, who was not identified, has been placed on administrative leave while the agency investigates the complaint from the incident Thursday, Fetsch said.
The Portland area prides itself on its environmentally friendly transportation options, such as miles of bike paths for commuters and a booming public transportation system. TriMet said it carries more people than any other transit system of its size in the country.
Chapman said the child was younger than 2 and was fussing around in her mother's lap at the time. The woman spoke only Spanish, she said.
The bus driver pulled over at a scheduled stop, walked to the back of the bus, pointed at the mother and then the baby, Chapman said. The woman then walked off the bus with the child, followed by the other passengers, she said.
In a conversation with a dispatcher immediately after the confrontation, the bus driver described the baby as not "just crying."
"It was screaming all the way from Beaverton, and I just finally stopped the bus," the driver said. "I said we need to get the baby to stop screaming because I just can't drive with it screaming ... that is not safe."
The conversation was recorded by Al Margulies, a fellow bus driver and blogger who monitors scanner traffic. Marguilies played the recording to The Associated Press, and TriMet has confirmed that the accuracy of the recording.
The driver told that dispatcher that when the woman and child had gotten off the bus, four or five passengers insulted her, so "I said you guys can get off too."
The dispatcher told the driver: "In the future, if there is a baby crying on your bus there really isn't a whole lot you do. It's public transit."
Fetsch said drivers can take steps if they believe their safety is in jeopardy, but policy prevents them from removing people "of a "vulnerable population." The driver has been working for TriMet for 10 years, she said.

Everyone knows crying spanish babies are DEADLY!