Wacky Weird News Wednesday: The "I Have Bronchitis Addition".

Yes, I have Sinusitis/Bronchitis. It is affecting my train of thought, so if these stories and comments make less sense than usual, that is probably why.

Enjoy

Giant Alien Snails Attack Miami, Though They're Not in Much of a Rush

MIAMI—Floridians have grown accustomed to invasions of exotic creatures, like the Burmese pythons slithering throughout the Everglades. But residents here are especially grossed out by the latest arrivals: giant African land snails that grow as long as eight inches, chew through plants, plaster and stucco, and sometimes carry a parasite that can infect humans with a nonlethal strain of meningitis.
The gastropods are among the most dangerous in the world, agriculture officials say. They each have male and female reproductive organs and can lay 1,200 eggs a year, allowing them to proliferate rapidly. Thousands of them have infested at least five separate neighborhoods in the Miami area.
Homeowners who discover the creatures in their yards often find them disgusting. The snails' engorged bodies extend far from their shells, and they eat so ravenously that they leave trails of excrement on walls and the ground.

Just another reason to avoid Miami.

Married Nurse Sends Mash Note to 13-Year-Old in Breakfast Burrito
Meet Amy Blose, a 37-year-old married mother of two who was arrested this week for attempting to contact a 13-year-old boy who she's been accused of sexually assaulting. Her method of contact: Burrito.
If you've been accused of statutory rape, it's probably in your best interests to not try and contact your alleged victim. But Blose apparently wasn't thinking of her best interests when she asked one of her victim's classmates
“to bring him a breakfast burrito she purchased from a restaurant with a note stuck in the wrapper that read, "Hey babe, I love you forever." [...] Police learned last week that Blose had written the note inside the wrapper of a Sonic breakfast burrito—the boy's favorite breakfast—and allegedly asked a 15-year-old girl to give it to him at school. When the boy received the burrito, he notified his parents, who contacted police.”
Yes, the old "burrito method." Sneaky! But it only works if your message's intended recipient doesn't turn you over to his parents.

Beware cougars bearing breakfast foods.

Blowjobs Are Actually Causing Cancer
You know that wives' tale about oral sex causing cancer? Turns out it's true, if the genitals in your throat have HPV, the vaccine-preventable virus that also causes cervical cancer.
American researchers say throat cancer caused by HPV (generally transmitted to throats during oral sex) has "increased significantly" over the last 20 years.
“Researchers tested tumor samples from 271 patients with certain types of throat cancer diagnosed from 1984 to 2004. The virus was found in only 16 percent of the samples from the 1980s—but in 72 percent of those collected after 2000.The researchers estimated that over all, throat cancers caused by the virus have increased to 2.6 per 100,000 people in 2004 from 0.8 cases per 100,000 people in 1988. If the trend continues, by 2020 the virus will be causing more throat cancer than cervical cancer, the study concluded.”
Unlike cervical cancer, "oropharyngeal cancers" have no screening equivalent to the pap smear.

I think we can all agree, it's still an acceptable risk for the ladies to take.

Fake Girlfriend Texting Service Sheds Single Status And Gets You Female Attention
They say the best way to get a girlfriend is to already have one. So why not try FakeGirlfriend.co, a new texting service that will let you leave your single status behind you.
With the cunning tagline, "Because you don't want to look lame", your pretend girlfriend will not only text you, she'll also call with a pre-recorded message.
The way it works? According to FakeGirlfriend.co, you need to save the Fake Girlfriend number into your phone under her fictitious name. Then, when you're out with friends or a woman you're trying to make jealous, just text that number. You'll shortly get a text and then a pre-recorded call.
For the moment, the service won't cost you a cent. Founder Ricky Robinett tells the Huffington Post over email: "Right now the service is free. I'm looking into expanding some options that monetize the service, but nothing is in place for that yet."
This probably won't be able to convince your friends for long, as the service doesn't include a real life person. Having said that, it should help you attract more females, if a study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology is anything to go by. The findings showed a woman's attraction to a man almost doubled when they were told he was taken, as opposed to single.
And if you really want to keep your taken relationship status convincing, you could even subscribe to Cloud Girlfriend. Launched last March, the service allows you to create a fake, but perfect Facebook girlfriend to your liking. She'll write on your wall with the intent to make your friends and potential suitors very jealous.
Or perhaps you could even hire a real-life fake girlfriend for an occasion. China Daily reports there's a surge in these arrangements just before Chinese New Year where single men would rather fake a relationship to family than admit one's embarrassing single status.

They used to say the same thing about wearing a wedding ring.

It's like all women are secretly Mormon.

Donald Gartner Arrested In Jail Parking Lot Hours After Being Released
Donald Gartner has become a familiar face at the Pasco County Jail.
The St. Petersburg Times reports that Gartner was arrested Oct. 2 for criminal mischief, released and then re-arrested for allegedly trying to break into cars in the jail parking lot less than two hours after he was freed.
Sheriff's deputies say they discovered Gartner crawling out from under the bushes at his neighbor's house. A witness complained he was urinating on the bushes, the Times reports.
A witness told authorities they saw him shake a neighbor's porch light until the glass panels fell out, according to the arrest report obtained by the Times.
Land O'Lakes Patch reports that Gartner was then released later that night. At around 10 p.m., Gartner allegedly tried to open the doors of a parked Acura in the jail's lot, according to a separate arrest report.
When the owner started screaming, Gartner said he thought the car was his, the report said.
He allegedly tried the same stunt with a different car. A police officer said he witnessed the incident and notified jail deputies. Gartner was rearrested on two counts of attempted auto burglary, Patch reports. Gartner remained in the Pasco County Jail Tuesday morning, according to the AP.
These two October arrests are not the only times Gartner has found himself behind Pasco County jail bars, The Huffington Post has learned.
Jail arrest records show that Gartner has been booked into the Pasco County pokey seven times since 2008.
In August, Gartner was arrested for assault on an emergency personnel and resisting an officer with violence.

He gets bonus points for his persistance.

Scuba divers left behind in Florida
The US Coast Guard said Tuesday it was investigating a Florida tourism company that left behind two tourists while they were scuba diving.
The tourists -- Paul Kline and Fernando Garcia Puerta -- were rescued by a private yacht which found them clinging to a buoy in shark-infested waters.
"The incident is under investigation," Coast Guard spokeswoman Sabrina Elgammal told AFP.
"We got a call that the two people were picked up in the sea and there was no medical harm and they went back to port," she said.
RJ Diving Ventures of Miami Beach took a group of 30 people, including Kline and Garcia, in a boat to scuba dive in the open ocean, the Miami Herald reported.
When Kline and Garcia surfaced, however, they found that the boat had gone.
"We were in shock," Kline, 44, told the newspaper. "We could easily have died."
RJ Diving Ventures did not respond to requests for comment.
The two said they clung to a fishing buoy and around 6:00 pm as it was getting dark they were spotted by passengers on a yacht.
"We could see two divers with all their equipment and an inflated red tube," the yacht's capitan Elie Trichet told the Herald.
"You could notice a strong feeling of relief" Trichet said. "They had been clinging to that buoy for two hours hoping somebody would rescue them."

Wasn't this a movie?

Talk about "chumming the waters", they were doing that in their wetsuits.

Do animals smile?
This article was too long to post, but suffice it to say, that after spending years and millions of dollars on a worthless research study, Yes, animals do smile. And they even laugh.

OR bus driver accused of berating mom, crying baby
PORTLAND, Ore. (AP) — A driver in Oregon's largest public transit agency berated a woman and her crying baby into getting off a bus in a Portland suburb, saying "I can't drive with that noise," another passenger said Monday.
Over the loudspeaker, the female bus driver told the woman to distract the baby to quiet it down, passenger Jennifer Chapman said. Other passengers muttered that the driver should "just drive the bus, just do your job," she said.
When the mother and the baby got off the bus at a stop in Hillsboro, other passengers also left en masse in protest, she added.
Mary Fetsch, a spokeswoman for the agency that runs mass transit in the Portland metropolitan area, said TriMet's policy is not to remove people such as women with children from a bus. The driver, who was not identified, has been placed on administrative leave while the agency investigates the complaint from the incident Thursday, Fetsch said.
The Portland area prides itself on its environmentally friendly transportation options, such as miles of bike paths for commuters and a booming public transportation system. TriMet said it carries more people than any other transit system of its size in the country.
Chapman said the child was younger than 2 and was fussing around in her mother's lap at the time. The woman spoke only Spanish, she said.
The bus driver pulled over at a scheduled stop, walked to the back of the bus, pointed at the mother and then the baby, Chapman said. The woman then walked off the bus with the child, followed by the other passengers, she said.
In a conversation with a dispatcher immediately after the confrontation, the bus driver described the baby as not "just crying."
"It was screaming all the way from Beaverton, and I just finally stopped the bus," the driver said. "I said we need to get the baby to stop screaming because I just can't drive with it screaming ... that is not safe."
The conversation was recorded by Al Margulies, a fellow bus driver and blogger who monitors scanner traffic. Marguilies played the recording to The Associated Press, and TriMet has confirmed that the accuracy of the recording.
The driver told that dispatcher that when the woman and child had gotten off the bus, four or five passengers insulted her, so "I said you guys can get off too."
The dispatcher told the driver: "In the future, if there is a baby crying on your bus there really isn't a whole lot you do. It's public transit."
Fetsch said drivers can take steps if they believe their safety is in jeopardy, but policy prevents them from removing people "of a "vulnerable population." The driver has been working for TriMet for 10 years, she said.

Everyone knows crying spanish babies are DEADLY!