Tuesday, April 19, 2011

My Kids Are Funnier Than Me, And YES, I AM Jealous!

My kids are hilarious.

I'm jealous.

They say some of the craziest stuff and keep the wife and I in stitches.

When we're not plotting to strangle them, that is.

I shared a few of they crazy sayings at the end of the vlog I posted.

Here are a few more:

(S, age 7, talking to his mother about why Easter is always on a different date each year)
Wife: “It has to do with the season of Lent.”
S(7): “Huh?”
Wife: “That's the season that leads up to Easter. It's all based on the lunar cycles. You remember the phases of the Moon, don't you?”
S(7): “Wait!...So you're telling me....that the Moon brought Jesus back to life?”
Wife: **Blink,blink**
Me: “HA!...Yep! Raised him right up! Just like the ocean tides!”

(In the car, on the way back from a restaurant. The wife and I are having a parenting discussion in the front. The kids are creating their normal chaos in the backseat.)
Wife: **silent treatment and scrunchie face**
Me: “You're mad, aren't you?” (because I'm an excellent people readerer)
Wife: “A little.” (classic understatement)
Me: “You think I was too hard on him, don't you?” (Walking out of the restaurant, I smacked the 7 yr old on the mouth for talking back and mouthing off. This was AFTER he'd been warned repeatedly over several days, and I had finally had enough.)
Wife: “You ALWAYS are! You made his lip bleed!”
Me: “Nah, he bit it for effect. He likes the drama and the attention.”
Wife: “I just think you could take it a little easier on them.”
(During this conversation, the 2 yr old has managed to worm her way up in her car seat, so she is standing and facing backwards, while still buckled.)
Me: “I have been telling him over and over to quit talking back, and to stop mouthing off. I have given him plenty of warnings and chances.”
Wife: “LITTLEBUG! SIT DOWN, RIGHT NOW! If I had to stop really quickly, you would break your back!”
Me: “You just think that because YOU don't disciple them at all.”
Wife: “That's BULL!”
Me: “It's true. I'm always the 'bad guy'. But that's why they obey me. They know I mean what I say and will back it up.”
Wife: “Oh whatever. And LITTLEBUG! SIT DOWN! I MEAN IT!”
Me: “Whatever, whatever. I don't want to continue this conversation in front of them.”
Wife: “That's it, Littlebug! I'm going to pull over, come back there and give you a spanking.”
(The 2 year old, knowing an empty threat when she hears it and showing no fear responds)
L(2): **totally joyful and gleeful** “YEAH! SPANKS!”
Me: **looking at wife** “See?”
Wife: “What did you say, Littlebug?!”
Me: “That's because mommy's spankings feel like tickle parties.”
Wife: **angry eyes**
(At this point, the 7 yr old and 12 yr old chime in)
S(7): “Yeah. Mommy's spankings feel like jellybeans in my mouth.”
Me: **smiling the 'I told you so' smile that guarantees sleeping on the couch**
Wife: “That's not true.”
(My oldest, putting the theory to the test)
M(12): “Littlebug, do you want daddy to spank you?”
L(2): “Ummm, no......Mommy.”

Almost every evening, my adorable little 2 yr old climbs up in my lap and talks her way out of an early bedtime by being super sweet and super cute. She also says some of the funniest things during this period of increased brain activity brought on by dodging bedtime.
L(2): “I like your eyes.”
Me: “Thanks baby.”
L(2): “They're very pretty. Did you get them at the Eye Mart?”
Me: “HA!”


Anonymous said...

I cracked up. My Dad was always the tough one...it was always, "Wait until Dad gets home." My mother had to spend all day everyday with us so it was easier to not be the bad guy. My Dad didn't see us as often and has such a gruff voice that just yelling was enough...that and I hate ever upsetting him (my mom not so much). I was never once, in all my life, spanked (by a parent *wink wink*) and while I probably deserved it once or twice I knew enough to know that when voices got loud I shut up and sat down. Nuf said. I never tire of seeing kids play one parent against the other--it's why I'll never have kids--I can continue laughing at things like that forever! haha.

PS...kids put Houdini to shame--how do they manage to do things like that!?

Coffeypot said...

Women just do not understand discipline and the joy of child abuse. Why beating those little shits down is such a rewarding experience and it lets them know who is the boss. And as soon as I get out of prison (on trumped up charges of abuse filed by some Liberal Democrat) I’ll come by and give you some pointers.

Anonymous said...

Hi, Ed. Have we met? I think we're the same people, minus one child on my side.

The jellybeans comment is hysterical. The Girl (3) says shit like that all the time. She took a drink of apple juice once and says, "Mmm. It's like an ocean in my mouth!" A few weeks later (after a night of tornado sirens), she ate something off her dinner plate and says, "Mmm. Is it like a twister in my mouth?"

My thought: "What the fuck does that mean?"

Unknown said...

My Mom used to try and spank me and like your little girl said it just tickled. I used to laugh at her and it used to just piss her off, I guess that's why I never listened to her.

Momma Fargo said...

Hilarious! Kids are great. I thought the same thing about my mom. Dad's spankings meant something. Maybe that is why she always threatened us with "telling dad"...

Sorry to be commenting so late...was busy on vacation.

I'm back!I know you missed me. LOL

hiphophippie.com said...

Kids freak me out, but this shit is funny. FO SHO.

Anonymous said...

I have to get a wooden spoon for my 10 yr old to be scared of a spanking. The other kids all mind if I put them in time out. But damn that 10 yr old just doesnt learn!

The car seat thing though, Im dead set on them staying seated and buckled. A few weeks ago the 4 yr old thought it would be a good idea to unbuckle when he saw that we were getting close to the house - I slammed on the brakes. After he smacked into the back of my seat and picked himself up off the floor he was pretty pissed. lol And I said "And THATS why you dont unbuckle!!"

Yea, Im a good mom like that. =)

Jenny DB said...

Bahahah the eyemart. Mommy's spankings are like jellybeans in my mouth! bahahaha I LOVE IT.
Also your offspring make very valid points about easter. That shit was always confusing to me too

AiringMyLaundry said...

Eye Mart!! Ha.

Yes, kids can be pretty funny.

Unknown said...

Haha Eye Mart! Hilarious. Which parent do they take after? You, I'm assuming?


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