My Kids Are Funnier Than Me, And YES, I AM Jealous!

My kids are hilarious.

I'm jealous.

They say some of the craziest stuff and keep the wife and I in stitches.

When we're not plotting to strangle them, that is.

I shared a few of they crazy sayings at the end of the vlog I posted.

Here are a few more:

(S, age 7, talking to his mother about why Easter is always on a different date each year)
Wife: “It has to do with the season of Lent.”
S(7): “Huh?”
Wife: “That's the season that leads up to Easter. It's all based on the lunar cycles. You remember the phases of the Moon, don't you?”
S(7): “Wait!...So you're telling me....that the Moon brought Jesus back to life?”
Wife: **Blink,blink**
Me: “HA!...Yep! Raised him right up! Just like the ocean tides!”


(In the car, on the way back from a restaurant. The wife and I are having a parenting discussion in the front. The kids are creating their normal chaos in the backseat.)
Wife: **silent treatment and scrunchie face**
Me: “You're mad, aren't you?” (because I'm an excellent people readerer)
Wife: “A little.” (classic understatement)
Me: “You think I was too hard on him, don't you?” (Walking out of the restaurant, I smacked the 7 yr old on the mouth for talking back and mouthing off. This was AFTER he'd been warned repeatedly over several days, and I had finally had enough.)
Wife: “You ALWAYS are! You made his lip bleed!”
Me: “Nah, he bit it for effect. He likes the drama and the attention.”
Wife: “I just think you could take it a little easier on them.”
(During this conversation, the 2 yr old has managed to worm her way up in her car seat, so she is standing and facing backwards, while still buckled.)
Me: “I have been telling him over and over to quit talking back, and to stop mouthing off. I have given him plenty of warnings and chances.”
Wife: “LITTLEBUG! SIT DOWN, RIGHT NOW! If I had to stop really quickly, you would break your back!”
Me: “You just think that because YOU don't disciple them at all.”
Wife: “That's BULL!”
Me: “It's true. I'm always the 'bad guy'. But that's why they obey me. They know I mean what I say and will back it up.”
Wife: “Oh whatever. And LITTLEBUG! SIT DOWN! I MEAN IT!”
Me: “Whatever, whatever. I don't want to continue this conversation in front of them.”
Wife: “That's it, Littlebug! I'm going to pull over, come back there and give you a spanking.”
(The 2 year old, knowing an empty threat when she hears it and showing no fear responds)
L(2): **totally joyful and gleeful** “YEAH! SPANKS!”
Me: **looking at wife** “See?”
Wife: “What did you say, Littlebug?!”
L(2): “I NEED SPANKS!! I LOVE SPANKS!!”
Me: “That's because mommy's spankings feel like tickle parties.”
Wife: **angry eyes**
(At this point, the 7 yr old and 12 yr old chime in)
S(7): “Yeah. Mommy's spankings feel like jellybeans in my mouth.”
Me: **smiling the 'I told you so' smile that guarantees sleeping on the couch**
Wife: “That's not true.”
(My oldest, putting the theory to the test)
M(12): “Littlebug, do you want daddy to spank you?”
L(2): “Ummm, no......Mommy.”


Almost every evening, my adorable little 2 yr old climbs up in my lap and talks her way out of an early bedtime by being super sweet and super cute. She also says some of the funniest things during this period of increased brain activity brought on by dodging bedtime.
L(2): “I like your eyes.”
Me: “Thanks baby.”
L(2): “They're very pretty. Did you get them at the Eye Mart?”
Me: “HA!”