Monday, May 9, 2011

Arizona is God's second waiting room, staffed by Mexicans.

I recently took a trip south of the border.

Okay, so it was Arizona, but I think we can all agree that’s practically May-HEE-co.

It was a work training trip.

In the same way CIA Rendition is a all-inclusive vacation.

A week in Tucson, Arizona.

If you look at a map, Tucson is basically the butthole of Arizona.

Which, given the number of illegals that enter there, it’s as if Arizona is spending time in a Mexican prison.

No offense to Tucson, but it sucks.

Their “international” airport has one runway, and barely a terminal. I’m guessing having a puddle-jumper flight to Tijuana gives them “international” status.

I am sure there are very lovely parts of Tucson, they are just invisible. Probably buried under all that sand.

My trip involved being shuttled back and forth from the hotel to a conference center by an illegal alien, where I would be tortured by boring lectures for 8 hours, and be forced to eat spicy Tex-Mex stuff at every meal.

More than once, I wanted to shove a hot pepper in my eye.

Burritos are not a food group, people.

Everything comes in a burrito. Breakfast burritos. Burrito Omelets. Peanut Butter & Jelly Burritos.

And Guacamole is not a condiment. Everything has guacamole on it.

If you offer me guacamole syrup for my burrito pancakes one more time, I WILL deport you.

The highlight of my trip was messing with the shuttle van driver, Juan.

Day 3

Me: “Hey Juan!”
Juan: “Hola, Senor Adams!”
Me: “Gonna let me drive today Juan?”
Juan: “No, no Senor. You have broken leg.”
Me: “Come on, Juan!”
Juan: *Shakes head no*
Me: “You’re just afraid if you let me drive, I’ll head south of the border and leave you over there.”
Juan: “Ha. I just cross fence again.”
Me: “I’m sure you would.”

Day 4

Me: “Hey Juan!”
Juan: “Hola, Senor Adams!”
Me: "Call me El Conquistador!"
Juan: "Si!"
Me: “Juan! Show me your greencard!”
Juan: “Ha! I don’t carry it with me.”
Me: “You mean you don’t have one. Show me a drivers license then.”
Juan: “Why you ask this?”
Me: “I’m a natural born American! It’s my right to. And the LAW. Says so in the Constitution of Independence!”
Juan: “You es muy loco.”


Coffeypot said...

The first time I went to Tijuana I had just turned a naive 18 years old. Some of my Navy pals and I went down for a night of getting ripped off. The ‘salts’ had filled me with all kind of stories about the place (the donkey and other shit) so I was all wide eye and expecting anything. We first went to eat at a restaurant and the waiter asked if I wanted frijoles. I expected him to drop trow and bend over for me. I didn’t want a free hole of any kind. But the guys told me he wanted to know if I wanted beans. Why didn’t he just say beans?

Mandy said...

looks like i'm moving to tucson. guacamole pancakes? burritos galore? where do i sign? where the FUCK do i sign?

VEG said...

Quit yer whiny yappin' boy. I love Tucson. I love the desert. I love spicy Mexican food. It's my idea of heaven. And here you are bitching? PLEASE! Pfffft! Pass the nachos pussy boy.

Pat said...

The food probably cleaned out your system. And that's good for old folks, right?

Momma Fargo said...

Were any of those Mexicans single...cuz I'm always looking, you know...

I happen to like burritos..especially when I'm wrapped up like one in a warm blanket in front of a blazing fireplace.

And dessert? Who doesn't like dessert? in deserted. Just like a divorce...sounds like you had one of those out the sand. Same thing. You want to poke your eyes out and bury your head in the sand.

The Office Scribe said...

I live in Chicago - I wouldn't know what to do with a cab driver who was an actual citizen. My last cab driver was from Mongolia. As in the place Ghengis Khan was from. And yes, he did look like the dude from "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure".

And burrito's are totally a food group - ask any college student. I think they make up the bottom of that food pyramid along with pizza, beer and porn.

Moooooog35 said...

Right. Like they'd let YOU back into the country.

Onion Girl said...

The last time I stayed in AZ was when I stayed in a Comfort Inn motel. I noticed a cum stain on the bed. This has nothing to do with what you were saying but it brought up memories.


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