I Give & Give & Give Because I'm A Giver

I donated a made-to-order Stickman toon for the Duckfest charity auction, which was won by That One Mom over at Only Parent Chronicles. It’s posted over there today. Go see.

Hope everybody is enjoying their summer.

Recently, I attended a local charity auction benefitting the Juvenile Diabetes Research Fund.
JDRF is helping to find a cure for kids with lazy pancreases.
I donated over $175 of my money and still no cure.
I want a refund.

I did win some tickets to Holiday World & Splashin’ Safari.
I say win, but I paid $130 for them.
Anyway, Holiday World is an amusement park in Santa Claus, Indiana.
This is in southern Indiana, very close to the Kentucky border, which was evident by all the mullets wearing muscle shirts with cutoff Wranglers I saw.

It was the first time I had ever been to this place, but it was pretty cool.
They have free unlimited soft drinks, with self-serve refill locations all over the park.
They also have free sunscreen locations everywhere too.
Sadly, these were self-serve as well.

It’s a very family/kid friendly park, but they do have some of the bigger rides for thrill seekers.
Basically, the park is divided up into sections themed on the different holidays (like Christmas, Halloween, Fourth of July, Thanksgiving, etc.).
Sorry, no Ramadan.
Even family fun parks hate Arabs.

The food and games at the park were very affordable.
My biggest complaint was probably the layout.
Even with a map of the park, it was very confusing trying to navigate the different holidays.
Maybe a calendar would have worked better.
I almost took a picture of the GIANT nativity scene right at the edge of Christmas as you are about to enter Halloween.
Instead of the Christmas star shining brightly in the sky above our Lord and Saviour, it was an evil Jack-o-Lantern looking down menacingly.

Overall, my kids loved it. And now they should repay my kindness by going back to school early.

Tuesday Quickies

Every time I see the new Supreme Court Justice nominee, I think it’s Mike Meyers in a dress.
Then I get all Austin Powersy and say, “Law, Baby, Yeah!” or "Do I make you Legal, Baby? Do I?"

Oil is still spilling in the Gulf.
Pretty soon we should be able to run our cars on sea water.
Which we will buy at Long John Silvers.
And receive a FREE 2-piece Fish & More with every fill-up.
Two problems, one stone really.

Gl-ASS-ery Of Terms (you're welcome)

When reading a Blogger’s post or comments, you might see various acronyms and or slang-type phases that are used as a form of shorthand similar to when a person writes a text message.

I had no idea what many of these stood for when I first entered the blogging world, and always wished there was some sort of Glossary of Terms I could look them up in.

Since there wasn’t, and I had to learn the hard way, I thought I would save you the time & trouble and create one here now.

Please feel free to use this as a future reference.


TERMS

1. LOL – Lover Of Lepers  – This is a very caring individual

2. STFU – Squeeze That For Us - This person would like help making orange juice or fitting into tight pants.

3. LMAO – Let Me Ask Orangutans – An inquisitive person with hairy friends might say this.

4. TWSS - That Was Seriously Sad  – This person is admitting their own failures.

5. TWHS - That Was Hilariously Sad - This is what you say to that person above as you laugh at their mistakes.

6. FTW- Feel The World - These people are Hippies.

7. ROFL - Right On Fun Loveski - This is a hip affirmation of your comedic wit with a Polish twist.

8. DH - Designated Hitter (similar to in Baseball) - A term mainly used by women to refer to the man who comes in and relieves the normal hitter (aka Hubs) when it’s performance time.

9. “ha”- short for “haha” - This means, “I thoroughly enjoyed what you just said, even though I may not have agreed with all of it. And I did notice the errors in grammar and spelling, as well as a few factual inconsistencies, but overall I felt it was good in content and meaning. Just not good enough for me to leave a longer comment.”

10. FAIL - self explanatory - See this post.

Random Shorts (not what you're thinking)

Since Old Guy Office Mate had his stroke a couple months back, he will occasionally get confused or mix up his words.

I usually don’t pay much attention to it.

But today, he was telling me about a TORT claim he was working on.

And when he said the guy had a FRACTURED SEMEN, I was like…*blink, blink*… “Come again?”

Hahahahaha


I was at K-mart the other night, because I am a high class shopper, and some old lady face-planted in the isle RIGHT IN FRONT of me.

She was following her husband through the store bitching at him when she tripped over the corner of a skid and down she went with a THUD! and all.

I think the only reason her husband stopped and turned around was because he got confused by the sudden sensation of sweet blissful silence.

I offered to help, and even asked if she was okay (because that was the only way to keep from pointing and laughing), but they both gave me the stinkeye like I had pushed her.

Here I was trying to be nice, and instead, I get nonverbally assaulted for a crime I didn’t commit.

So I waited until she got up, and I pushed her down again.

In my mind.


Be sure to look around and check out my new digs. It’s a work in progress.

Short post today, just to let you know I’m still alive, and because I am busy working on a Stickman Toon for the Duckfest winner – That One Mom.

Stay tuned.

Blankity Blanking Kids And Their MuthaBlanking Hormones

I love kids.

Not in the way that requires me to notify the police if I move.

I just mean, kids are great.

I have coached kids’ sports. I’ve led kids in Scouting. I have substitute taught kids in school.

I even made 4 of my own.

I’ve worked for Pediatricians, and hope to one day be a pediatrician.

However…

Sometimes, I understand why tigers eat their young.

Or why male lions will chase off their own young when they get to a certain age.

That age being………. Middle Schoolers.

The tweens and preteens.

The “awkward” stage, if you will.

Don't get me wrong...

Not that the terrible twos (which sometimes happen at 3) are easy, but at least they still have the cherub cuteness going for them.

And eventually, they go to sleep and all is forgiven.

Plus, they have that unconditional love for their parents still intact.

Potty training is your biggest challenge really.

And...

There are also the relentlessly talkative and inquisitive 5 & 6 year olds.

Questions, questions, questions. Talk, talk, talk.

During this stage, you fondly look back and remember when you were excited for them to say their first word, where as NOW, you just wish they would shut the BLANK up.

This stage is called “Diarrhea of the Mouth” stage.

Although annoying, they are still cute and full of love.

Then…

Something happens around 10, 11, or 12.

Maybe it’s hormones.

Maybe it’s being around older kids on the bus.

Maybe it’s God punishing us for what we did to our parents.

Regardless, if you have kids at, near, or reaching this age, prepare to kiss your sanity goodbye.

If your kids have already passed through this phase, and you managed not to kill them, well......enjoy your padded room AND remember to take your meds.

Seriously, I wouldn’t consider coaching baseball beyond coaches pitch.

In scouts, it was always the boy scouts that were the worst, NOT the cubscouts.

While subbing, it was always the 7th & 8th graders that I used to beat with metal rods.

The fact that they deserved it only made it more legal.

WHY, for the Love of Pickles, do we have to go through this stage?

Just like you wish with puppies, "Why can’t they stay cute forever and just learn not to piss on the floor?!"

Why can’t they skip from being babies to graduating from High School?

Do we REALLY need all the shit in between? Seriously?!

Puberty was bad enough when WE went through it. Why should we have to relive it when THEY do?

Therefore, I am advocating a ban on all adolescents between 10 and 18.

Upon their 10th birthday, they will be imprisoned on an island and left to fend for themselves.

Survival of the fittest. Only the strong will survive. And a bunch of other cliches to justify child abandonment.

If and when they reach their 18th birthday, they will be allowed to leave the island.

In the meantime, it would make a great reality show.......Like Survivor for Nickelodeon.

I'm strictly talking about other peoples kids here.

Mine are perfect angels.

Don't Read Everything You Believe Here

First, go HERE and vote.

It’s important.

Plus, he promised me money & hooke….umm…..stuff.

And now…..

When a lady from my church mentioned something about my blog the other day, I figured it was time for me to do another disclaimer post since I obviously have no idea who reads me.

Plus, I have added a bunch of new followers since I did my last one.

So here it is…

Everything you read here is meant for Entertainment purposes only. Life is too serious to take seriously. Do not read into the things you read here. I am not a racist, bigot, sexist, hater, or other bad guy stuff. Although, I have played one on TV.

I merely try to find and point out the humor in everything. Regardless of the topic. Whether taboo or a socially sensitive area, nothing is off limits. My attempted humor knows no bounds. In fact, I am more likely to poke fun of a subject that people are particularly touchy about, because I think that is a better way of dealing with those delicate areas than pretending they don’t exist.

If you can’t laugh at something like that, then you shouldn’t be here. Crawl back in your hole of political correctness and denial. Ignorance is bliss. And funny. We’ll laugh at you once you’re gone.

I am a former sailor, so sometimes I use language that isn’t kid friendly, unless your kids talk like sailors and then you should be ashamed of yourself for being a failure as a parent.

I have been called a meanie, a jerk, an A-hole, and a meanie jerkhole. People say I am immature, juvenile, and disgusting. I wear those labels with honor, because I care not what people think of me personally, as long as they laugh. Plus, I’m rubber. So there! FACE! Takes one to know one! SUCKA!

If I offend you, or if something you read here makes you angry, that is your problem and not mine. I never told you to put that stick up your butt. And if I did, I was probably kidding.

Now that that’s out of the way, I hope to have a real post up later today. Maybe tomorrow. Whichever comes first.

Math Is Something Nerds Invented Because They Couldn't Get Dates

Math sucks.

I’ve said that before, but it’s worth repeating.

But, only if you calculate it’s worth using Math.

Hahahaha

Seriously, it’s just stupid.

School Math classes were the worst.

They tried to ruin my sleeping-in-class schedule with that crap.

I mean, anything beyond basic Math was a total waste of time.

Why would I want to waste my time adding “imaginary numbers”, when I could have been adding “imaginary ladies”?

1 girl + 1 girl = a party

Honestly, how often in your daily life do you have to figure out the square root of pie inside an obtuse triangle using only x and y?

You can tell from that question I still managed to beat the system and get some sleep in.

Even the names of Math classes were stupid.

Calculus
Sounds like its saying, “Buy a calculator and skip this class, Genius.”

Trigonometry
This sounds a lot like Nigerometry, so it’s clearly racist and meant to be taught in only the south.

Geometry
Every time I see that one, I think of those Geo Metro cars.
Remember what a piece of shit those things were?
So this is really “piece of shit” math.

Algebra
I actually like this one, but only cause it ends with “Bra”.

Back to my original idea…And yes I had one…....Percentages!

Percentages are something that was taught in basic Math. AND something that is occasionally used everyday in the real world, unlike that other crap.

Except, some people still fudge them up.

I got in trouble recently with my supervisor when she sent out an email outlining our collections for the month. She had broken them down into what percent of the total each department had contributed.

Usually, I delete crap like that.

But the numbers caught my eye.

Dept #1 = 78%
Dept#2 = 34%

*blink, blink*

I fired off a reply all asking if it was just me, or some of that new fuzzy Math they teach the kids in school nowadays, but when does 78% + 34% = 100%.

She was not pleased, and went on to explain some long drawn out process for determining the numbers and blah blah blah…at that point I stopped reading and imagined Charlie Brown’s teacher wonk wonk wonking away.

Then today, I logged on and was informed by the evil genius that lives inside the black box label “Dell” on my desk, that the shockwave player needed updating.

I clicked yes and proceeded to watch it update…processing from 0% all the way up to 154%!

It must have been using the same percentage Math as my supervisor.

When did going over 100% in actual stuff, not stuff based on a projected amount, but the actual stuff become acceptable?

Percentages are like pie. Cut it in 4 pieces, and each piece is 25% of the whole.

Eat a piece and you have 75% left......Eat two and you have 50% left......Eat the whole pie and you are a fat bastard.

But it’s based on the total being 100%!

Yes, we’ve all heard coaches say, “Give me 110%!”, but that is just for motivational purposes.

Plus, when was the last time you saw a coach who was also the math teacher?
(Chess team coach doesn’t count, and not just because having a coach for the chess team is moronic.)

Seriously, those guys normally teach PE or Drivers Ed. Their only Math skills involve counting cones.

Okay, I’ll stop now. This post is like 11000% too long anyway.

Makes J.Lo Seem Tiny

Asses be huge!

There used to be a time when there was such a thing called “Blackgirl Booty”.

In a way, Dr. King’s dream has finally come true…….because junk in the trunk knows no race.

I saw a white lady the other day who looked average. From the waist up.
And from across the counter.

After turning the corner, I was like, “DAMN!”

Lady’s ass was taking up the whole isle.

She didn’t have saddlebags…..she has saddle-DUMPSTERS!

Lately, I see that kind of buffet-hoarding bootilage everywhere.

How does the gluttony settle ONLY there?

I mentioned to a certain someone the other day that a lady walked by my office door and her ass looked like 2 pigs fighting under a blanket.

Then, just yesterday, I was following another lady down the hallway.

I was FOLLOWING……because I COULD NOT PASS her.

Her butt stretched from handrail to handrail.

During that tedious journey down the hall, I imagined it must be what elephants experience in their single-file treks across the African Savannah.

I was very thankful I would not be required to curl my trunk around her tail.

Then I was distracted by the Asian-like symbol tattooed on the back of her neck.

I can only assume it was either Chinese for “Wide Load”……or it gave her Gross Weight in Tonnage.

I know some people struggle with their weight, and for various reasons.

You eat because you’re depressed and you’re depressed because you eat.

Or your Thyroid is a lazy piece of shit which causes you to be also.

I am not busting on fat people in general. This time.

I am taking about proportions. Symmetry, if you will.

If you got more at the back than you do at the front, that’s an unbalanced load.

If your bottom is bigger than your top, maybe it’s time to start standing on your head.

Let gravity be your friend. Not the All-You-Can-Eat special.

BEHOLD! THE BIRTHDAY!!

The Funny Pages just turned 1 this month.

A year ago, I didn’t even really know what a blog was.

The minister of my church used to talk about “blogs”, and would occasionally mention something from them in his sermons.

I guess they teach plagiarism in Presbyterian Seminary…..(Just kidding David)

Other than that, I would hear about blogs during the election coverage or in TV shows.

I just pictured it being something affluent nerdy kids did at coffee shops….when they went playing World of Warcraft.

Eventually, I started reading some of David’s and my wife’s blog posts.

Then I started looking around to see what else was out there.

One of the first people I found was Crystal.

She was, and probably still is (if she’d ever post), one of the funniest people I have read.

She is the ONLY blogger that I went back and read every single post in their archives……4 YEARS WORTH!

While feeling my way around blogger, I also found Tamara….(That sounded way dirtier than Tamara probably wished it did.)

She had just been picked as “Blog Of Note”.

I clicked over and thought, “This lady is pretty funny.”

She was doing a Caption This contest and Travis had won.

I checked him out and he was funny too.

Around this time, I figured I could my own blog, as an outlet for all the humorous stuff that runs through my demented head and wasn’t allowed to be spoken at home.

BEHOLD! THE BIRTH OF THE FUNNY PAGES!!

My first couple of posts were mild and very virgintastic…..I was merely spreading my wings and testing the sweet sweet waters of blogtopia.

Yes, I said wings....They are water wings....Don’t be a WW hater.

Anyway…

Soon after that, I realized……I was a nerd……and needed to hang out at a coffee shop.

How Do You Say "Greencard" In Mexicanese?

Why are there ALWAYS Mexicans working in the kitchen at the freakin’ Chinese Buffet?

I know Mexicans are everywhere, but SERIOUSLY?!

I mean first, they were coming here stealing our jobs…….NOW they are even stealing other immigrants jobs.

Geez.

I’ve never seen Chinese people working at a Mexican restaurant.

Why?

Cause Mexicans are racist, that’s why.

Seriously though, every Chinese buffet I go to anymore, it’s like a dang mariachi band in the kitchen.

And how “authentic” is the Lo Mein when Juan is cooking it?

I went to the CHINESE buffet because I wanted CHINESE…….NOT Sweet & Sour Taco.

And why, WHY, why are there French Fries on a CHINESE buffet spread?

What is this?.... A UN buffet?

See, THAT is what happens when you let Jesus behind the Wok.