Monday, December 7, 2009

Memoirs Monday: More stupid stories from my past...

The FATMAN Speaketh and declareth iteth toeth beth Memoireth Mondayeth.

I was probably about 6.

I was over at the neighbor’s house, talking his ears off while he was unloading his truck.

In an attempt to be funny and show off my acting skills, I collapsed right as he let the truck tailgate down.

Have I ever mentioned what a good actor I am?

Well, I’m a good actor. There, I just did.

Seriously though, I am at least as good as Toby McGuire.

But then again, who isn’t.

Okay, so I’m not Morgan Freeman, partly because he’s black and has a dead hand and I’m pretty sure sounds something similar to God.

But I’m at least better than Nicolas Cage.

Honestly, after Raising Arizona, all his characters are the same and completely interchangeable.

What was I saying?

Oh yeah, giving the neighbor a heartattack.

He freaks out, just sure he’s killed me with his tailgate.

He drops down and starts shaking me and screaming, “EDWARD! EDWARD! EDWARD!”

My Oscar worthy performance continues until my mom runs over.

She’s seen my skills before.

Since there was no bleeding, bruising, or swelling (I couldn’t afford a makeup girl on my allowance), she knew it was a ruse.


I smiled and opened my eyes to see my panicked neighbor white as a ghost and visibly shaken.

He did not laugh.

In fact, his color quickly returned and went straight to an odd shade of red.

I half expected steam to shoot out from his ears like in cartoons.

He mumbled something to my mom about taking me home before he went all Vietnam on me.

I thought it was hilarious.

Almost as much as another time when I was about the same age.

(This is my mom’s favorite story to tell, so I’m sure she will be correcting me on something.)

I grew up in a Pentecostal church.

Making a child sit through a Pentecostal sermon is number 4 on CPS’ list of Defined Child Abuses.

Or it should be.

To make matters worse for my Hyperactive and bored self, there was the threat of severe punishment if I misbehaved.

My mom will dispute this fact, but she’s old and senile and this is my blog and my memory and she should get her own blog if she wants to tell these stories the right way, whatever that may be.

Anyway, it went like this.

Me: *misbehaving*

MOM: “SSssshhhh!”

Me: *quietly misbehaving*

MOM: *pinching my leg hard enough to cause me a limp even today*

Me: *misbehaving on one leg*

MOM: *whispers*..”If you don’t start behaving, I’m going to take you to the restroom and wear you out.”

Me: *thinking these are empty threats I continue misbehaving*

About this time, the sermon enters the eternally long prayer portion.

My mom snatches me up, and starts heading for the restroom.

Realizing my impending doom, I yell out into the completely quiet congregation, “PRAY FOR ME! PRAY FOR ME!”

When we reached the restroom, mom was laughing too hard to whip me.


Don’t tell ME prayer doesn’t work.


Lee said...

Now THAT'S funny!!

G said...

when you say EDWARD it makes me think of Twilight. Just saying...

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Oh no, Edward. Now you've gone and done it. Get ready for a tsunami of Twilight cougar jizz.

Tracie said...

That's funny!

Pentacostal, huh? All the Pentacostal kids I knew were buck-wild in their denim skirts and their buns piled high on their heads.

Tamara Dawn said...

That is not nice what you did to your neighbor. Some kid is going to scare the piss out of you one

LMAO at what you did to your mother. OMG that was hilarious. Though as a mother I am not sure I would want my dear son calling me old and senile on his blog. Be nice to your mother!

Coffeypot said...

Why is it we hell raiser in church as kids are such upstanding productive citizens? Well, I was until I retired and became a pervert full time. You day is coming, Ed.

Ed said...

The Queen: Thanks. I'll be here all week. Remember to tip your waitress.

MODG: I figured(i.e.hoped) it would illicit that response.

Steamy Becky: See above response to previous commentor. Also, do you have any wadders I could borrow?

Kys: Wrong kind of Pentacostal, but just as wild.

Cheesecake: You're probably right, but I never let my ninja guard down. And Mom will say something, but she won't care. That's where my whit comes from. The ole' bag.

coffeypot: Trust me, I am already counting down the days.

anya said...

The entire congregation must have been rolling in the aisles! That's classic!

Cassie said...

See your mom is too nice. I'd have burned your ass twice.

Life Laugh Latte said...

I'm not sure which story I like better. Both are fabulous. Your poor mother. I feel like praying for her! Oh...and have fun today! Was that your way of saying "I'm not watchin the vlog?" Cheers, Holly

Tony said...

Oh man, that's funny stuff...speaking of Edward from Twilight, AND Morgan Freeman, how awesome would it be if Morgan Freeman read Twilight for the books on tape crap?

Meagan said...

Morgan Freeman died? Are you like my friend Jake that is totally ok with girls wearing Team whatever your name is shirts?

Anonymous said...

I totally thought of Twilight too.

Hilarious story though.

adrienzgirl said...

Parents of hyperactive children really should get an award or something.

I know that I am going to heaven because of stories just like this. My momma beat the hell outta me more than I care to remember!

Unknown said...

*Round of Applause!*

And Edward? Tee hee...

Anonymous said...

I've always been Team Edward even before Twilight was written <3 (I googled it just in case). I so need an I <3 Edward shirt, no pic's just the name. I love you honey!!! Your blogs have been absolutely hilarious lately. Oh, and just for the record, I'm never dressed better than when you shop for me and I could never know love more than for you having loved me. You're the best XOXOXO!

Jen said...

OMG what a character you were/are. We'd get our ears twisted for misbehaving. My left earlobe is noticeably longer than my right one.

Erin said...

HAHA. Great story!

June said...

I wonder how many times Mom had to beat your ass? And it doesn't seem to have made one bit of difference, did it?

My mom, she like the wooden spoon...

Travis said...

Dude. My father, may he rest in peace, had a grip similar to the Vulcan one that could totally put you in a praying position instantly.

I hope he passed that shit on.

Anonymous said...

You are so funny.

mylittlebecky said...

you should tell your mom pinching causes nerve damage and also squelching imagination makes people die. of death.

my favorite part was "misbehaving on one leg."

ScoMan said...

That second story was hilarious. One of the funniest things I have read in this blog world.

In fact, I got a bit teary from laughing. Well done sir.

Ed said...

anya: Thanks. I'm sure they were. Of course, they were mostly senior citizens, so none of them could get back up after that.

Cassie: Burned my ass twice? So you punish you children with fire? Or just lit cigarettes?

Holly @ LLL: BUSTED. At least you know I stopped by.

Korean Dude: That would be awesome, but just because it's Morgan Freeman. It's kind of a waste of his talents though.

Meagan: Morgan Freeman was in a car accident last year. Google it. Anyway, his left arm and hand are still paralyzed. i.e.dead.
And I don't mind seeing Edward accross a woman's chest. ;)

hotpants: Thanks. I figured you would.
p.s. I feel dirty everytime I have to type your screen name.

adrienzgirl: We could have been sisters. Except I'm not a girl. So we could have been brothers or something.

Alex: *bows and blushes*...Thank You!

Elizabeth: Thanks babe. I always count on you to make my comments all mushy. Save this talk for the bedroom. j/k
I love You too.

Jen: Ha! We'd get that too. That's probably why they called me Dumbo till the fourth grade.

Erin: Thanks.

Carol: More times than I can count, but it was probably not enough.
Wooden Spoons? DANG!

Travis: That's awesome. Can you teach me that shit?

Secretia: Thanks. :)

mylittleBecky: Ha! Die of death! Ha! Awesome. I'll pass it along. As if they was another way. HA!

ScoMan: Thanks man. That really means alot.

Moooooog35 said...

My uncle did the same thing to me, snatching me up in the middle of church and dragging me to the restroom.

My therapist says I've blocked out the rest.

Dame Nuisance said...

LOL! "Pray for me!" That is too frickin' funny!

Far as I can tell, boys can join SITS, too, Ed. It's so girly, most of them don't. You don't strike me as the chicken type, tho', so jump on in. The water's fine.

Let me know how your Gluehwein comes out!

mepsipax said...

Oh my gawd that is awesome sauce. I wish I had thought of that. My mom too beat the fear of the zombie baby jesus into me. But that is classic. I didn't develop the quick wit as soon as you though.

Ed said...

Mooooog35: I must say, that explains a lot.

Dame Nuisance: Thanks. Uuhhh, just because I said I was jealous of all the fun you SITS people were having, doesn't mean I want to join. Thanks though.

mepsipax: Yes, getting beaten as a child was "awesome sauce". For some reason though, it didn't feel too awesome at the time.

Phillipia said...

That is great...thanks for the laugh.

Anonymous said...

oh no, I can't see because I am laughing so hard I have teared up.

Ducky said...

At least she didn't carry you out in a handbasket... that would've been serious


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