Friday, December 4, 2009

My Balls and Stories from their produce...

Me: “Only 2 more weeks boys.”
My Vas Deferens*: “Are you seriously still going through with it?”
Me: “Yeah. Appointment is all made.”
My Vas Deferens*: “We thought that was just some BS you were playing to get the wife off your back.”
Me: “Nope. I’m a man of my word. I’m taking one for the team. Just look at this two weeks as your Farewell Tour.”
My Vas Deferens*: “Come on, dude! Haven’t we always served you well? Gave you 4 kids, that you know of,didn’t we?”
Me: “Beg all you want, but the clock is ticking, then it’s adios.”
My Vas Deferens*: “Bastard!”
Me: “Sorry fellas. I just don’t need you anymore.”
My Vas Deferens*: “So that just gives you the right to toss us out like an old piece of meat.”
Me: “Well, technically…”
My Vas Deferens*: “We’re not going without a fight! Prepare for the hurt locker!”

*(I originally shortened My Vas Deferens to My VD…..During editing I realized that could cause confusion and possibly divorce.)

Since it’s Fatherhood Friday over on Dad Blogs, I thought I’d share some of my kid stories.

My little baby girl is the proverbial apple of my eye. No matter what kind of mood I’m in, when I see her, I light up instantly.

Thankfully, the feelings are pretty mutual.

She is almost always the first to greet me when I come home, and she will occasionally wrap herself around my legs when I’m about to leave.

My wife says she likes looking at my picture (which is completely understandable since I am so ruggedly handsome, kind of like a lawn gnome) whenever I’m gone and exclaiming “DADDA! DADDA!”

Often, even when I am with her, she will see a picture of some guy and gasp “DADDA!”

Usually, I’ll correct her and say, “No, that’s Ronald McDonald……….I’M Dadda!”

Or “No, That’s Rush Limbaugh……I’m Dadda!”

Or even “No, That’s Ellen DeGeneres….I’m Dadda!”

But last night, she was looking through my wife’s AVON catalog, and gasp “Dadda!”

I looked down to see her pointing at a picture of that Dr. McDreamy dude from Grey’s Anatomy.

Well, it’s not healthy to ALWAYS correct a child, now is it?

“Yes baby, that’s me!”

Last night, we went and picked out our live Christmas tree.

On the way back, we stopped to eat at Wendy’s.

When we got out, the 10 y/o said something about the 5 y/o’s Christmas Tree drawing blowing away.

Later, we get back in to go home and the wife decides we need to stop at Walgreens for milk.

Meanwhile, the boys are arguing about something in the backseat.

I head across the street to Walgreens and let the wife out. The 5 yr old is wailing by this time.

I’m like, “What are you WHINING about?!” (because I’m nothing if not sympathetic to my children’s emotional needs.)

He says, “My Christmas Tree Picture fell out of the truck and blew away!”

Then the 10 yr old helpfully adds, “I saw it land in a puddle!”

5 yr old wails…….

I say, “Well, just make a new one.”



Trying to again be helpful, the 10 yr old says, “Turn on the light and I’ll look to make sure that it’s not still in here.”

A little later…..

The 10 yr old says, “I don’t see it, but I did find your To-Do List, Sam!”

The 5 yr old loves To-Do lists. He is constantly making to-do lists.

That still doesn’t work, he’s all “Oh no! That was my best picture EVER!”

Finally, I say, “Well, just put on your To-Do List…’Make New Christmas Tree Picture’”

Cue wailing.


mepsipax said...

Way to be a supporting Dad. Awesome. I love your posts. They make me realize that I am not really that mean to my son.
Sorry about the balls. Poor bastards.

Life Laugh Latte said...

This is the first "talking to balls" conversation I've ever heard. Your balls actually seem very intelligent...good arguments. Where are the tree pictures? Have a great weekend. Holly

adrienzgirl said...

So, technically speaking, your balls are all shaking in their proverbial boots for nothing. It's not like they are actually being cut off and thrown like a pair of dice or anything. Damn! They are just having a minor snip and tuck of the loin juice veins. That way Big Eddie can play in the rain with no jacket just like them.

I say Big Eddie needs to lay a smack down on those bitches quick! He is the one who will suffer if they go all AWOL on your ass!!

anya said...

Are you throwing a going away party for your balls? It would be the polite thing to do, you know, after all they've done for you.

Coffeypot said...

Just have wifey give them a loving, understanding rub or two and they will be alright.

Ducky said...

Balls is plural but there was just one voice...does only one talk? Do they talk in unison?

Will we be calling you Edie when its over?

Tony said...

Dude, that's getting snipped in two weeks. My fiancee's birth control has been driving her crazy and what not, and she wants me to get snipped as well. Small world...

Ducky said...

Totally forgot to tell you that there will be a special Saturday post with an award for you. Stop by if you have the time

Unknown said...

Snippety, snip, snip. I bet your VDs are gonna scream like little girls. Enjoy. (I can say it, I've pushed out 4 kids too!) :)

ScoMan said...

Poor Van Defrens. It's (they're?) too young to die!

Oh, so it's just being removed to go live on a farm? Okay, I can live with that.

Poor kid could have sold that drawing and made a fortune,

ScoMan said...

Poor Van Defrens. It's (they're?) too young to die!

Oh, so it's just being removed to go live on a farm? Okay, I can live with that.

Poor kid could have sold that drawing and made a fortune,

Captain Dumbass said...

Good luck with the boys. And good luck with the boys.

Travis said...

Sometimes you gotta get the snip.

Poor bastard.

I say shave your name on em before you go into surgery.

Just cut an ED into the hair.

Shit will get real.

Anonymous said...

Well you did your most important work already.

Dual Mom said...

I can't believe you have a five year old that makes lists. Are you worried?

Kuddos to you for mannin'up and getting the snip.

Shannon K. said...

Cracking up at the McDreamy story.

Shannon K. said...

By the way...following now.

Cassie said...

Put 'stop whining' also on the to-do list.

Crystal said...

my dad says even though they cut it, gravy still comes out, but it isn't alive anymore.

yay for dead gravy.

also, i am never eating chicken fried steak with my dad in the room ever again.

Tracie said...

I think it's funny that your 5 yr. old makes to-do lists. Sounds like something my kiddos would do.

Moooooog35 said...

My little girl was the apple of my eye, too.

Then she turned 9 and now she's just a little bitch.

Little bitch-eye-apple, I guess.

Ed said...

mepsipax: Thanks. CPS would be real proud to know I'm a parenting role model.

Holy@L.L.L.:Yes, they are very intelligent. They are both working on their Masters in baiting. It was soo cold when we got out tree, that we didn't take any pictures. Maybe I'll put up the finished one later.

Adrienzgirl: Thanks for the Ball pep talk. They are pretty hard of hearing though, so you might need to repeat that with you mouth a little closer to their ears.

anya: The day after is my Birthday. Does that count?

coffeypot: I will gladly pass along your recommendation.

Daffy: Yes, only one talks. The other just hangs there looking smug. Occasionally, The smug one will sign what the talking one says. Why? I have no idea. They are nuts.

Memiors of a Korean: Dude, eff that. You tell her to deal with the BC crazies, cause you're not getting snipped. Besides, you never know what will happen in the long run. I've already had my share of spawn.

Alex: Thanks. I really needed you to rub that in. Oh well, at least I won't have to deal with STRETCHMARKS! Ahem.

ScoMan: Live on a farm? Hmmmm....I should try telling them that. Also, from the way he reacted to losing it, you would have thought it was a Van Gogh or something.

Capt.Dumbass: Thanks. And Thanks.

Travis: I'm not sure about the ED manscape. I might just go for the Van Desiel look and Tiddy bowl them M.F.ers.

Secretia: I think so. I'm getting too old for any more.

Dual Mom: Yes, I am slightly, but the boy has always been special. Between the To-Do lists and the Diarrhea of the Mouth, it's no wonder he is in the Gifted & Talented program.

Arizona Momma: Thanks. And thanks for the follow. If you get time, go back and read some of my old posts. They are funnier than this one.

Cassie: Ha! Excellent. Wish I would have used that instead of just screaming at him to stop.

Crystal: Ha! That is my understanding too. And thanks for ruining gravy for me as well.

kys: Yes. He's cute and annoying like that.

Ed said...

Moooooog35: That's awesome. I knew one day she grow up to be just like her mom. Thanks for confirming it.

Anonymous said...

The fact that you used the words Balls AND VD in this post made me laugh, lots...

Are you gonna have like a going away party for the boys? I mean it's just the right thing to do ya know considering they helped you create 4 kids...

You can get a nice cake and have them write something like, Peace Out Balls! It was fun why it lasted?

Kimberly said...

I'm going to leave one comment for two posts....

1) I have a 13 and a soon to be 6 year old. I know this experience! Though my soon to be 6 year old is the shining becon for me, though he can also piss me off quicker then anybody else using that whiney noise that escapes his mouth from time to time....

2) The shopping experience, holy crap I laughed and laughed. My hubs wouldn't shop for me for clothes, or at least I hope he wouldn't, I would end up in pants too small, camo, and some bright colored splashed t-shirt to go with em. No. Um. No.

Okay, so that doesn't make up for missing almost two weeks of not being here, but it will have to do!

Ed said...

Secret Agent K: I emailed you a comment reply.

Hill-Billy Duhn: Glad you're back. Now quit being lazy and put the comments where they go.


that was great. my son flips out about his 15 million pictures he's drawn for me and hung on the fridge b/c now baby sister pulls them off fridge and eats them. damn kids.

btw my baby girl is the apple of her daddy's eye too.

Anonymous said...

I wish my husband would take care of his boys. Unfortunately, I'll be the one visiting the doc.

Anonymous said...

Good for you.

My SO is currently facing the same procedure, as I had a tubal ligation and it failed two months later (medical error - one side left open, proved with a HSG, which was not pleasant). I am not having surgery again.

Your wife should love and appreciate you for doing this (in addition to everything else, of course).

Ed said...

SFTC: Same song and dance at our house. It's our fault that baby has a taste for fine art.

hotpants: He should totally do it. It's outpatient for him and has a faster recovery time. Tell him not to be a puss.

Anonymous: Thanks. She will be returning the favor nightly, she just doesn't now it yet.

Anonymous said...


I've already told my SO that I'll do my part to, ahem, "clear the pipes" following surgery.

Anonymous said...


A post-op tip, stolen from the internet.

Chill six pack of beer pre-operatively. Post-operatively, relax on couch. Place one beer on relevant surgical region. When the beer starts to lose its chill, drink beer and replace with a fresh one from the fridge. Repeat as necessary.

Your wife should replenish supply with your favorite brew upon request.

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