Memoir Monday.......I'm BACK my bitches

I’m back!

Sort of.

I kind of took an unofficial break from blogging.

I’m sure you spent many sleepless nights wondering what was wrong, and where I went, and why I wasn’t famous yet.

Was that just me? Ooops.

Anyway, I just didn’t have anything funny or worthwhile to say......Not that I ever do, but more so than normal.

My Depression/Anxiety has been kicking my ass lately. But, since I haven’t eaten a bullet or swerved into a tree yet, I figured I would write something today. Who knows, maybe it will be my last.

It’s Memoir Monday, after all, Thank Travis.

He’s like the Buddha of Mondays.

Yeah, he’s not Indian and he’s got bright orange hair, but so what.

He’s still fat and full of knowledge.

And he looks cute sitting cross-legged on a mantel.

So here goes:

Fun times with McDonald’s

This was probably Junior year of High School. Maybe Sophomore. Whatever, it was in High School. JT and I did our semi-usual skip of wrestling practice. This normally occurred when we were supposed to be running the locker hallways, only we would turn and head out the door and over to his house.

This particular day, we ended up at McDonalds. Since we had friends/classmates that worked there, we could usually get free food. First though, I had to unload some extra baggage (i.e. take a steamy dump).

Now, in my defense, I am pretty sure that our McDonald’s had just finished remodeling. There is no other way to explain why I would have went right instead of left, after going to these same McDonald’s restrooms my whole life.

Regardless, I went in and sat down and began assaulting the toilet.

J.T. followed me in to wash his hands……..Not in the toilet, DUH!

Anyway, neither of us noticed the lack of urinals or the skirt on the door. About that time, a lady came in, and asked J.T. what he was doing in the women’s restroom. He started laughing like a little girl and ran out.

I’m stuck.

I just sit quietly and continue doing my business.

So does the lady.

Although, she wasn’t as quiet as me………Ladies are noisy poopers.

I wait for her to finish and leave, and then I hightail it out of there.

Of course, J.T. is sitting outside, still laughing his ass off.

Another time:

I was cruising around with my friends Jeremy (God rest his soul) and Ryan. We were all piled in the front seat of my mom’s Chrysler K-Car Station Wagon, like a bunch of homos. (It was wintertime, and that was the closest seat to the heater)

So, we were rolling in our ghetto hoopty, and Ryan suddenly demands a Cheeseburger. (He’s the only one who has any money)

Regardless, I decide if he wants a burger, he’ll order it HIMSELF……..So I BACK through the drive through.

Let’s just say the McDonald’s Manager did not find it as funny as us or the cute girl at the window did.

The Manager gave us a stern talking to and banned us from returning to that McDonald’s.

Whatever……….She was just jealous of my SWEET backwards driving skills.

Here’s a cool tip:

We used to do this all the time, but I’m pretty sure it’s illegal, so try it at your own risk.

We used to pull into McDonald’s, go in and say, “I just went through the Drive Thru and they forgot my Fries.” BINGO! Free Fries.

Then we would drive over to Hardees and do the same thing, only this time it was the cheeseburger. BINGO! Free Cheeseburger.

Then, you could hit Wendy’s for a Frostee and now you got a FREE meal.

No need to thank me.

And NO, I will not come bail you out.