The Stage Is Calling Me

Now that my mom is in the ground (too soon?)...

And my Firefighting training is complete (no word on whether I passed my test yet)...

And AND things are finally calming down at work...

I have been finding my funny again.

Who knew it was here all along?  Right under a big pile of Life Shit?

I hope to get back to updating my blog more often, but I also am working towards my return to the stage.

I said on Facebook that I had been writing some new Stand-up material.

Well, it's more like "talking points" or "topics".

I don't really like to write entire jokes out. Not only do they never come out like you planned, but they sound rehearsed--which they probably are.

Mostly, I just HATE repetition. Going over the same material more than once, including after it has been written down, is too repetitive for me.

Damn this photographic memory of mine!

It's probably a good thing I'm not a comic for a living.

Not only am I not funny enough, but those guys go over and over the same material, night after night.

Honing their delivery. Seeing what works and what doesn't.

I HATE hearing there same joke from a comic more than once, no matter how good it is.

Unfortunately, by not practicing this repetitive custom,  one must have unlimited material.

It also exposes you to more opportunity for failures.

Thankfully, I HAVE unlimited material,  and I could care less about failure. Whatever THAT is.

I've always done better "on my feet" or "off the cuff". I think you call it, Extemporanious speech, or some shit.

Regardless, at least it gaurantees each time I perform will be different.

Basically, I just get an idea of what I'm going to talk about, in my head, and then go from there.

And, as long as I'm comfortable and not too nervous, it should be good.

If not...well....

My New Life Anthem

FIRE, FIRE, FIRE! An ACTUAL REAL FIRE!!!

I had 2 Fire calls yesterday.

TWO!

IN ONE DAY!!!

The first one came in while I was home at lunch.

An alarm at my kid's school!

I raced down to the station, grabbed my gear and climbed aboard the truck.

When we arrived on scene, there was no smoke showing, BUT I was fully dressed and breathing air from my SCBA.

I was ready to ROCK!

As we jumped off the truck, we are greeted by the Principal.

Turns out, a Kindergartener and known troublemaker, had pulled the alarm on the way out for recess.

False Alarm. No fire.

Oh well, STILL COUNTS!

Then, about 8pm, the tones went off again.

"Jonesboro Fire, Gas City Fire, Gas City Rescue. Structure fire at (address). Fire in bathroom."

I thought, "GEEZ, I've heard of having the hot flaming shits before, but DAMN!"

This call was different.

It was the REAL thing. Not just a call or an alarm. They actually mentioned visible flames on the call.

Race down to the station. FIRST! (Only I wasn't actually, as a couple guys were there doing work at the station)

Grab my gear and jump on the truck.

That's when things went downhill.

I shut my coat in the door.

Also, I was the smallest guy on the truck and had no space to move, let alone get my coat on.

The driver was hauling balls to the wall, as we were getting reports the structure was becoming engulfed.

We were bouncing around like pinballs in the back, as he raced through stop signs and over potholes and curbs.

To make matters worse, I opened the door to get my coat unstuck.

Right as he was turning a corner!

When we got there, I still hadn't gotten my coat fastened. I moved and let the other guys off the truck.

Then I proceeded to fight my mask for an eternity. Seems when I put it back after the first run, the straps decided to braid themselves together tighter than a 12 year old's ponytail.

THEN, my helmet strap wouldn't fasten!

I was gased just getting my gear on.

By the time I turned around and headed up the steps of the house, the fire was mostly out.

We stayed on scene till about 11pm, putting out hotspots and securing everything.

So there you have it, my first "real" fire run.

FAIL


*walks away in shame*

Wacky News On A Tuesday?!

MILLEDGEVILLE, Ga. (AP) - Police in Georgia handcuffed a kindergartner after the girl threw a tantrum, and the police chief is making no apologies.The 6-year-old is accused of tearing items off the walls and throwing furniture at school in the central Georgia city of Milledgeville.
The police report says the girl knocked over a shelf that injured the principal.The elementary school called police after the Friday tantrum. The report says when an officer tried to calm the child, she resisted and was handcuffed.
The girl was charged with simple assault and damage to property.Police Chief Dray Swicord says the department's policy is to handcuff people in certain situations, and "there is no age discrimination on that rule." The child was suspended from school until August.

Someone needs a Timeout!

In cuffs and a mini-jumpsuit.

What happen to the Good Old Days when you used to just beat the kids ass?

ANDERSON, Ind. -- An Anderson man has been arrested on charges he stole from a woman during a funeral over the weekend.

Police said a witness saw Derek Culbertson, 25, take the woman's purse and dig through its contents during the Saturday service at St. Ambrose Church, the Anderson Herald Bulletin reported.

The woman, who had traveled from Minnesota for the funeral, said her wallet with $105 inside and coin purse were missing from the purse, police said.

Several people at the funeral tracked Culbertson to a church bathroom and held him there until police arrived, the newspaper reported.

Police said they found the stolen items shoved into Culbertson's underwear. He was also carrying prescription medications without a prescription, police said.

Culbertson was arrested on preliminary charges of theft and possession of a controlled substance. He was being held at the Madison County Jail.

There you go again Indiana, making me proud.

And only about 30 miles south of me too!

At least wait till the casket is in the ground.

Game Of Thrones: Like a cross between D&D and LOTR

Filling the void left by "The Walking Dead" and "Spartacus"...

I give you "Game Of Thrones"....

Hopefully, it will tide you over until "True Blood" and "Dexter" returns.

Titanic: Improved For Your Pleasure

Cup The Balls, Don't Squeeze!

Angry ex-girlfriend goes ballistic, rips off man’s scrotum

Talk about a ball buster.

   An Indiana man was rushed to the hospital Wednesday after his scrotum was the victim of a vicious attack by an ex-girlfriend, The Smoking Gun reports.

   The victim told police that his former girlfriend, Christina Reber, stormed into his apartment as he was innocently sitting at his computer. Reber, who he had severed ties with a few days earlier, first struck him on the head and then grabbed his scrotum and began “squeezing as hard as she could.” Naturally, he told officers that he “was in incredible pain when [she] grabbed his scrotum and began digging in her fingers.”

   The police report indicates that the scrotum area was “completely torn loose from his body.” Reber reportedly “refused to let go of his scrotum,” but that the victim was finally able to remove his balls from her vice-like grip.

   As if the story isn’t already good enough, the victim, who has not been identified, was taken to BALL MEMORIAL HOSPITAL. As far as we know, the hospital is not only for scrotum-specific injuries.

   In an interview two days after the incident, the man told police that after his ex was done breaking his balls, his family jewels are so swollen that he is unable to work, and he isn’t sure if there will be permanent damage.

   Reber was charged with two felonies: aggravated battery and illegally entering the victim’s home. She was also charged with a misdemeanor domestic battery.

Only in Indiana.

BACON!!!! nomnomnomnom

Has our LOVE of Bacon gone too far?

I think NOT!

(These are all REAL products.)

*Warning: None of these products should be used in the actual event of a Zombie Apocalypse*

Who's hungry?

The Walking Dead: We Miss You Already!

Not quite 2 weeks have passed since the season finale, and already I find myself missing you.

AND, Everybody's FAVORITE for Parent Of The Year.....

Someone's Bitter.