Friday, December 23, 2011

Twas The Funnies Before Christmas

The other night, this happened:

The Girl (3 yrs old): **runs out of her brothers' bedroom with something**
Wife(to girl): “Take that back in there.”
Me: “And, DON’T throw it, either.”
The Girl: **marching back to boys room**
Oldest Boy: “She THREW it!”
Wife(to girl): “Did you throw it?”
The Girl: “NO! I didn’t throw it. I HANDED it to him………….He just wasn’t there.”
My mom fractured her pelvis over the weekend.
She swears she didn’t fall, just “did a funny little dance”.
Most people do that “funny little dance” IN bed.
With a partner.
It’s safer that way.

The Hospice Case Manager showed up to ask mom questions and fill out forms.
That’s when this exchange took place:

Case Manager: “Are you depressed?”
Mom: “No. Not really.”
Case Manager: “Really? Boy, I would be. I would be majorly depressed!”

Hey, Ms. Sunshine, maybe you ought to consider a new line of work.  You may not have the steely resolve cut out for the Hospice line of work.

While you’re at it, go ahead and cross these off your list of potential occupations:
1.       Life Coach
2.       Mental Health Counselor
3.       Cheerleader
4.       Suicide Prevention Hotline
5.       Greeting Card Writer
6.       Anything that involves dealing with other people.


All week, The Wife has been looking forward to going to a “Live Nativity Scene” that some local church was putting on.

She has mentioned it several times, and reminded me frequently that she was looking forward to it.

Last night was the night.

After we ate dinner, she brought our little plastic nativity decoration into the dining room and explain to the kids that we were going to see a REAL LIVE one.

The kids asked if there would be REAL animals, because obviously donkeys and cows are more exciting than Baby Jesus.

The wife said she was sure there probably would be, because, HELLO, it’s a LIVE NATIVITY!

We get the kids dressed (yes, they were still in their pajamas, but screw you it’s Christmas break), and loaded in the truck.

Feeling festive, I crank up some Christmas carols on the radio and off we go.

We arrive at the Church and I can see the flicker of a campfire in the distance.

As we head that direction, I slow down and roll down the windows.

That’s when we see it.

3 hay bales.

A lean-to.

A teenage Joseph

A very over-weight looking Mary.

And a possibly drunken wiseman.

My Oldest Son: “Is THAT it?”
The Wife: “Wait….what?”
My Middle Son: “Where’s the animals?”
The Wife: “I don’t understand. Did we miss it?”

Then the sarcasm starts.

The Oldest: “That’s just AWESOME!”
Me: “Looks like we got here before the Shepherds and other Wisemen.”
Middle Son: “Where are the animals, mom?”
The Wife: “What a bummer. I expected it to be more majestic. I guess the real one was probably more similar to this one anyway. Except it had the whole bright starlight shining down.”
The Oldest: “Yeah, and God in human form.”
Me: “Maybe they are just on break.”
The Oldest: “Like a coffee break?”
Middle Son: “Even the animals?”
The Wife: “I think we missed it. It was supposed to be from 5pm-8pm. That’s the last time I trust the local paper for stuff.”
Me: “Nah, I think we’re early. By the looks of Mary, I think we got here before Baby Jesus even did.”
The Oldest: “This is GREAT! I can’t WAIT to do it again next year.”
The Wife: “Let’s just go look at the Christmas lights at the park instead.”


I want to wish everyone a Very Merry Christmas.
For everybody else, feel free to have a Happy Kwanza/Chanukah/Ramadan/Festivus/Winter Solstice.
I’m sure the Kwanza people will be doing crazy Kwanza things.
The Jews will, no doubt, be spinning those weird top thingies and eating Chinese.
The Muslims will be avoiding pork and blowing themselves up.
 Festivus people will probably spend the holiday watching Seinfeld reruns.
And let’s not forget the Winter Solstice people and their pagan customs with their dark robes and magic.
Meanwhile, we all laugh at the atheist who sits at home, drunk and alone.


Coffeypot said...

Wait...there might have been a room open up at the Holiday Inn. Did you check there? But they would have to pay extra for donkey, camel and sheep.

Sarah Tokeley said...

Thanks for all the times you've made me laugh this year, Ed. Merry Christmas to you.


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