Monday, January 25, 2010

Memoir Monday: The Time I Wish I Had Wonk Eye

Travis does this Monday Memoir thing. Tell a story from your past and blah, blah, blah, whatever.

I have wanted to tell these stories for while, every since I was inspired by This Post from Steamy Becky.

Make sure you read her hilariousness.

My stories are about a family that lived in the area where I grew up.

The members of this family were troll-like in stature.

Not midgets or dwarves. But kind of small and roundish, like little trolls that people put on their desks, minus the long neon hair.

Besides their trollish stature, they all seemed to suffer from the condition commonly known as “Wonk” eye.

I forget the medical name for this condition.

Maybe walleye or slow eye or Marty Feldman eye.

Regardless, they had strange eyes, which their GINORMOUS corrective lens attempted to help with, but the success of which was doubtful.

I’m talking double Coke bottle thick.

Like, NASA probably asked to borrow them when designing the prototype for the Huble Space Telescope.

Probably the saddest/strangest/unjustiest thing was that both parents were employed as local Rent-A-Cops.

Yes, these were the people sent to direct traffic after the Football or Basketball games let out.

This only invariably caused more traffic jams, as NO ONE could tell who they were telling to stop and who they were telling to go.

When one eye is looking one way, and the other is looking somewhere else, and they are finger pointing another direction entirely, while yelling, “I’m talking to YOU! GO!”; well, you can see (hahahaha) the confusion.

Usually, people just got pissed and ignored them and went anyway.

However, this only caused more arm raising and yelling and more misdirected pointing by them, like they were angrily standing under a bridge that you wanted to cross.


Their daughter was in my class. Now, in her defense, she was always very sweet and nice to me.

In a trollish, wonkeye, heavy lisp-ish kind of way.

Unfortunately, the good Lord saw fit to bless this young women from a very early age with the BIGGEST bazooms any of us had seen in our young lives.

Poor thing was taller when she laid down then when she stood up.

Back to my story,

So there we were in 9th grade geography class, learning about foreign capitals or something useless.

I was sitting in the second row, while this girl was in the back row.

It was a particularly high point in the class, by which I mean I was still awake.

It also happened to be quite warm that day.

In my attempts to stay alert, I was casually looking around the classroom, when I just happened to glance back towards the back only to catch this:

The girl had decided that THIS was the opportune time and place to raise her breasts, which were straining against the tablecloth passing for a halter top , with one arm only to WIPE THE SWEAT from underneath them with the other arm.

I was pretty sure I was going to vomit after that.

This experience probably also explains why I don’t consider myself a “Boob Man” to this day.


Tony said...

Mmm...boob sweat. Yes, big boobs are fun to look at, but then something like that happens. I'm more of an ass man myself. I don't know if that makes me gross, because smelly chocolate comes out the ass...

Now, I'm off to rethink my life.

Miss Yvonne said...

So wait. The parents were both wonk eyed?? That's like, a crime against genetics for them to have children. Poor sweaty boob wonk eyed girl.

My 2nd grade teacher had the wonk eye and every time she would call on me, I would look around like Ralphie and be all "who me?". She hated me for some reason.

Coffeypot said...

I can just see the wee-rent-a-cops directing traffic, trying to get people to go this way and that way...but who could see them because they were lower than the hood of the car? Boob sweat! I guess it’s good she didn’t have crotch sweat, huh?

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

If two wonkeyed people gaze into each other's eyes, it corrects the wonk effect and they finally make eye contact. For real. It's science. Newton's Law of Wonkativity.

Anonymous said...

I'd say if some wonk-eyed troll girl was raising her boobies in class, she had more issues than just boob sweat and directionally challenged eyes.

But still, ew. I understand it must get pretty humid under there on a hot day but really. No one needs to know that. :)

Cassie said...

That's why someone invented bras, to hold those suckers up in the air.

Anonymous said...

Wow. Gross.

So, does this mean you're a legs man or an ass man?

Travis said...


Where I'm from we call it,

One eye fishin and the other eye diggin bait.

Shit is hilarious, just like this story! Thanks!

Lee said...

My lord...that is a story that will cause nightmares tonight..thanks for that.

adrienzgirl said...

I am pretty sure that God punishes young boys with some sort of trauma like this for being obsessed with seeing boobs, or naked women in general.

Pretty much every guy I know has some traumatic story of seeing either their granny nekkid, or some really fat lady in her birthday suit, or something similar to your gross boob sweat story at a young impressionable age.

Anonymous said...

Boob sweat plus wonk eye plus lisp...poor girl.

Elly Lou said...

Did she grow up to be Sarah Palin?

ScoMan said...

I used to do the same thing! Before I lost the weight that is. And I think that's why I'm not a boob man. Because I've had boobs. But I've also to legs. And a butt. And I'm smart and I have a good sense of humor.

Maybe that's why I'm single. Nobody can offer me anything I don't / haven't had for myself.

mepsipax said...

Oh dear fucking god I laughed so hard I pooped. Ok not really, but that was fucking funny as two squirrels fucking in a sock. Don't ask.

Ducky said...

Hubs is an ass man too...Thankfully!

It's so much easier (and cheaper) to work out priming the gluteus maximus than to get a boob job. Plus I'd much rather go knickerless than pebble-holder less

The Office Scribe said...

My rule: If the boobs don't get boob sweat on a hot day then someone needs to shell out the cash to upgrade those puppies.

Anonymous said...

Thats what you get for trying to stay awake in class!

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

You forgot the rest of the story....

You know, about how you had to wipe her boob sweat off your face later that day behind the bleachers.

Don't act like a little bodily fluid could turn off a teenaged boy when tig bitties are involved!

Anonymous said...

Not a boob man Ed? You're missing out on some fun.

Anonymous said...

i little boob sweat never hurt no one, ed. at least not physically.

Laurie said...

I guess I can put that in the pro column for being a "Nearly B".....

When I was twelve, my mom said, "Laurie, if you're waiting for your titties to grow, you've got a long wait. It's just not in your genetics."

She didn't eat her buggers, did she? I had a wonk eyed girl named Janet that had ginormous breastesses, and was constantly eating her buggers until the fifth grade. She was a real treat.

JennyMac said...

Boob image I hope to plunge from my mind immediately! LOL.

Moooooog35 said...

I hate the face that you were looking at me while telling this story the whole time.

Sally-Sal said...

Summertime is hell on boobs.

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure I threw up in my mouth a little


carissajaded said...

Ummm oh my goodness that is disgusting. Poor kid. They should wear eyepatches for their wonk eyes!! I had to when I was little... but still I never wipe my boob sweat in public!

Tamara Dawn said...

Oh man...I dream of boobs that flap over my abdomen just right so they get all moist on the undersides...ahhhhhhh to have breasts of any size larger than mine would be devine...boob sweat and all!

Kimberly said...

LMAO!! Dang.

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