Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Wednesday......Where am I?

11:30 am
Dr. Jacobs Office
Vasectomy Consult

Nurse: (talking)
*blah, blah, blah, shave your bag, blah, blah, tear a hole in your nut sack, blah, blah, blah, cutoff your balls, blah, blah, blah, will not stitch-up the open hole in your bag, but let heal on its own.*

Ed: (thinking)
Does she actually think any of this will make me feel better about this? How is this even legal? They should all be in jail for doing this. I wonder if she enjoys her job. She's probably a lesbian. I bet the whole female staff just sit around at the end of the day and laugh and laugh about all the tiny penises they saw, and all the ball sacks they mutilated, and all the unborn children they killed. They're probably all scorned women, out seeking revenge on all men for some A-hole from their past that wronged them and broke their hearts. I hope the doctor has really small hands. That will make my junk look HUGE.

Nurse: "Afterwards, you should be able to get by with just Tylenol for pain."

Ed: "Seriously?!?! And if that doesn't work?"

Nurse who obviously hates men: "Most patients are able to control pain with just Tylenol. If you're having more severe pain, then something is wrong and you should call the office. Dr. Jacobs may need to see you again."

Ed: "Most of the guys I've talked to said, that is bullshit, and that it hurts like hell afterwards."

Nurse Anti-Testicle: "We never hear that. Usually patients do fine. You shouldn't have that much pain."

Ed: "I'm sorry, but that's a little like a man telling a woman that childbirth doesn't really hurt. None of you ladies have balls, so you really don't know what it feels like."

As an aside:
I know, from working with several physicians, that some docs just don't want to write pain meds. They worry about the potential for abuse, or getting a patient addicted, or having a patient sell the pills and their name being on that bottle on the street which could potentially make them liable. I worked with two MDs that absolutely refused to write ANY pain meds, and would refer all patients for Pain Management.
I've also heard it suggested that this all-female-staffed office gets away with doing this, because if they tell guys that none of the other guy patients request pain meds, then the one who asks for some will seem like a pussy, and therefore won't ask. That's probably why I won't be asking for them, as well. Plus, I have a high pain tolerance cause of my back and all.

On the ride home:

Liz: concerned..."Are you nervous?"

Ed: toughguylike..."Not really. It's already a done deal in my mind. I'm just ready to get it over with. Besides, you've delivered 4 babies, and I told you that I would step-up and take one for the team."

Liz: "You could always ask the doc for meds up front, if you think it's going to hurt."

Ed: "Nah, I'll be alright. I think I've rather have something for nausea. Cause I know that when you get kicked there, it makes you want to vomit, and you get a really severe stomach cramp. Like REALLY bad cramps. Kind of like a girl gets once a month, but WORSE."

Liz: sarcastically..."Yeah, worse only cause it's happening to YOU."

Ed: "Exactly!........Nuts is sensative things!"


Lee said...

Okay...I shouldn't laugh, but I am. My brother had it done. He survived..well he speaks in a very high pitch, but other than that...he's just fine.

Travis said...


I'm so fuckin sorry.

I don't even really know why I'm apologizing, but I think it has to do with the fact that my nuts feel your nuts pain.

You poor bastard.

Kudos on "taking one for the team."

I always thought that meant getting ass raped, or having sex with a really fat chick.

Dude, I'm sorry.

Tracie said...

I'm pretty sure that my husband had pain meds. And he sat around with a bag of frozen peas on his crotch for about a week.

justsomethoughts... said...

regarding the truck i would say this;

"be afraid. be VERY afraid."

Cassie said...

Okay there is something seriously wrong with a doctor who will tear holes in your body and refuse to give you pain meds for it. I think that's illegal.

Coffeypot said...

Some guys just have all the fun. Luckily I am too old to have that shit done.

For all the action I get, it would be a wasted procedure. Kinda like a bull-dike getting her tubes tied. Just no need.

But I think you will be really disappointed about how tiny your dick will look laying on top of two balls the size of grapefruits. I think I prefer old age.

Anonymous said...

It seem strange they wouldn't give you pain meds, my hubs got them. . . he said it was really painful. I feel for ya though, kinda . .

Aleta said...

OMG, you're killing me. Laughing so hard my sides are HURTING.

Good luck to you!

Bombshell BLISS said...

My ex-hubby did it. He became less of a man. Must be why he's my ex. Just sayn'

Bombshell BLISS said...

My ex-hubby did it. He became less of a man. Must be why he's my ex. Just sayn'

MJenks said...

I'm thinking this will be in my goals for 2010. I keep meaning to do it, and put it off, mostly because I like aiming for the boobs.

Sally-Sal said...

I abide by this rule:

You don't have to hit nuts to hurt, all you have to do is 'graze' nuts.

adrienzgirl said...

The Hubs had his done after I had Kamden. He did get pain meds but I think he only took like one pain pill and then just Tylenol after that. He doesn't like pain meds though, they make him feel sick. He just had some ice for two days and then tenderness for a few more but he didn't miss any work except for the day of the procedure. He had it done on Friday, went to work on Monday.

Kris said...

But just think of all the no-worries hassle free SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!

Molly said...

Haha, your theory about us playing mind games to avoid prescribing pain meds is 100% accurate.

Get the meds.

But you didn't hear that from me.

Phillipia said...

Ed, if I had any extra pain meds laying around - I'd send them your way. I think your doc just wants to see guys suffer; I do too, but only some specific guys...I will omit names here.

Anonymous said...

You are a funny one today! ha ha


Anonymous said...

Oh, suck it up and get "fixed" like a man!! LOL
My husband got "fixed", he got a big screen TV, and a bag of frozen peas. I assure you he is still very manly....or at least thats what I tell him...... =)

deepteshpoetry said...

Luv the muor...aha!There's one on my blog.Posted after a long time.Pls chk

Tgoette said...

I had it done many years ago and the thing I still remember was how they thought it would be comforting to me to let me know that the pain shots would only feel like bee stings. As if 8 bee stings on my ball sack could be interpreted as a serene experience.

ScoMan said...

Every blog today seems to leave me squirming in sympathy pain. I think my arm is the only thing that's been safe so far.. Let's see how the next blog goes.

Anonymous said...

21 comments on a blog bout your nut sack...

What does that say about us?

So yea here's my comment on your nuts...

Have a safe trip!

On a serious note good luck cause I mean that's your junk and all and tylenol? Pssht, yea that might help...

Wait did I make it worse?

Moooooog35 said...

I got Oxycodone for mine.

I still have some.

Let me know if you want my leftovers.

Although, actually, I think I just committed a felony.

Ed said...

I would like to thank everyone for their concerns regarding my balls. Actually, I just wanted to say "balls" again. But still, remember to think of me on Dec 18th at 1pm. That is D-Day. It's also the day before my Birthday. Yeah ME!

Ducky said...

I've never known a neutered man....well I probably have but was fooled by the falseto voice, nail polish and lack of facial hair....

Best of luck buddy!

G said...

oh my. yeah you should be nervous. This sounds pretty insanely awful. Ballstothewall awful.


Tamara Dawn said...

Good luck with all that! I need to talk my hubby into getting the big V too!


i applaud you for taking one for the team and i need something like that for my car. or for my christmas tree. nut sacks for my christmas tree.

Narm said...


Oh god - mine hurt just reading that - I want to give them a hug and tell them it will be alright.

June said...

Blah, blah, blah... you will get over it and have great sex!

Grumpy, M.D. said...

Ed- Schedule it for the Wednesday before the 1st round of the NCAA basketball tournement. Then you'll have 4 days of nonstop TV to watch.

Also, use bags of frozen peas instead of ice.

I never had one, these are tips from the urologist dowstairs.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Wait...What's the big deal? Balls are like skin tags, right? Just clip em off, no big deal, right? Fry that shit up.

Sorry. That last part was uncalled for.

Dual Mom said...

I'm surprised that none of your female commenters have said:

"Come talk to me about pain when you squeeze a 9lb cantaloup out of your ass."

I would never say such a thing myself.

Good luck, I'm sure you'll be fine.

PS. Found your blog through a comment you had posted on MODG. Enjoying your posts!

Anonymous said...

I love it ! Very creative ! That's actually really cool Thanks.


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