Wednesday......Where am I?

Tuesday

11:30 am

Dr. Jacobs Office

Vasectomy Consult

Nurse: (talking)

*blah, blah, blah, shave your bag, blah, blah, tear a hole in your nut sack, blah, blah, blah, cutoff your balls, blah, blah, blah, will not stitch-up the open hole in your bag, but let heal on its own.*

Ed: (thinking)

Does she actually think any of this will make me feel better about this? How is this even legal? They should all be in jail for doing this. I wonder if she enjoys her job. She's probably a lesbian. I bet the whole female staff just sit around at the end of the day and laugh and laugh about all the tiny penises they saw, and all the ball sacks they mutilated, and all the unborn children they killed. They're probably all scorned women, out seeking revenge on all men for some A-hole from their past that wronged them and broke their hearts. I hope the doctor has really small hands. That will make my junk look HUGE.

Nurse: "Afterwards, you should be able to get by with just Tylenol for pain."

Ed: "Seriously?!?! And if that doesn't work?"

Nurse who obviously hates men: "Most patients are able to control pain with just Tylenol. If you're having more severe pain, then something is wrong and you should call the office. Dr. Jacobs may need to see you again."

Ed: "Most of the guys I've talked to said, that is bullshit, and that it hurts like hell afterwards."

Nurse Anti-Testicle: "We never hear that. Usually patients do fine. You shouldn't have that much pain."

Ed: "I'm sorry, but that's a little like a man telling a woman that childbirth doesn't really hurt. None of you ladies have balls, so you really don't know what it feels like."

As an aside:

I know, from working with several physicians, that some docs just don't want to write pain meds. They worry about the potential for abuse, or getting a patient addicted, or having a patient sell the pills and their name being on that bottle on the street which could potentially make them liable. I worked with two MDs that absolutely refused to write ANY pain meds, and would refer all patients for Pain Management.

I've also heard it suggested that this all-female-staffed office gets away with doing this, because if they tell guys that none of the other guy patients request pain meds, then the one who asks for some will seem like a pussy, and therefore won't ask. That's probably why I won't be asking for them, as well. Plus, I have a high pain tolerance cause of my back and all.

On the ride home:

Liz: concerned..."Are you nervous?"

Ed: toughguylike..."Not really. It's already a done deal in my mind. I'm just ready to get it over with. Besides, you've delivered 4 babies, and I told you that I would step-up and take one for the team."

Liz: "You could always ask the doc for meds up front, if you think it's going to hurt."

Ed: "Nah, I'll be alright. I think I've rather have something for nausea. Cause I know that when you get kicked there, it makes you want to vomit, and you get a really severe stomach cramp. Like REALLY bad cramps. Kind of like a girl gets once a month, but WORSE."

Liz: sarcastically..."Yeah, worse only cause it's happening to YOU."

Ed: "Exactly!........Nuts is sensative things!"