Thursday, September 24, 2009

TMI Thursday: I see your sword isn't as big as mine...

It's Thursday, so that means it's TMI time again, according the LiLu .

First, the back story. When I was younger, my parents owned some apartment buildings. These weren't in the best part of town, but they still rented. Dad had gone over and cleaned out one after the two women tenants had vacated. I don't remember if they moved out, of if he kicked them out, but they left in a hurry and the place was a mess. Everything that they left (trash, clothes, boxes, furniture, etc.) was loaded up in the truck and brought back to our place to await trash day and a trip to the dump.
Enter three teenage boys.
After school with no parental supervision.
It was me, JT , and a third one we'll call The Asian.
We started rummaging throw this pile of stuff that was left for the trash man. Hey now, don't judge. One man's trash is another man's treasure. And two young ladies trash is three teenage boys gold mine.
Suddenly, one of the boys spots a blue suitcase. Not that a suitcase mixed in with all the other crap was a big deal, but what was inside it was.
PORN! It was full of Porno mags!
Now, picture three hormone driven teenage boys who just had a suitcase load of porno dumped in their laps. There was hooting and hollering. Pointing and giggling. Magazines were passed back and forth like a makeshift library day at the dump.
"Look at the set on this one!" one said. "She needs to trim!" said another. "Those are huge!" said another still.
Suddenly, someone spots something on the bottom of the suitcase that wasn't a magazine. Toys! And not the Disney Toy Story kind either. I'm talking rubber phallic devices commonly referred to as dildos. None of us had ever seen such a thing.
Now these were passed around and held up like trophies. "Do you think those girls were using these things know?", said one. "What the Hell else would they be for, dumbass?", answered another. There was three of them.
One was about 3 feet long with a head on each end!
Another was about 1 1/2 foot long, and really thick (maybe 6 inches in diameter) and had a HUGE scrotum underneath it.
The last one was normal, almost life-size.
Jokes were made. There was a plan to go to school the next day with the bigger ones protruding from zippers, as if they were the real business on display for everyone to see.
Suddenly, someone was whacked in the back. Swords were instantly drawn.
JT grabbed the 3 footer, with which he did is best Bruce Lee numchuks impression.
I had the thick job, which I wielded like Conan the Barbarian.
The Asian was left with the little one.......cause......he was Asian.
There was swinging, slashing, metal-clashing noises (because rubber don't make noises and sound effects were needed), and yelping. Mostly from the Asian, since he was no match for me or JT.
Finally, there was a loud "Whack", followed by an "OUCH!".
JT had unleashed a double handed double-headed downward-angled slicing blow across the Asian's forearm.
Laughter erupted. But just from me and JT. The Asian was gingerly rubbing the red welt on his forearm. He said, "That hurts!" We laughed. Then he said, "Have YOU ever been whacked by one?!"......*crickets*.....JT and I look at each other....Then we both say, "NO! No we haven't!" Then everybody dies laughing.
After that, and since it's almost time for my mom to get home from work, we put everything back like it was. The last thing you want your mom to catch you doing is playing with dildos.

So yes, I have had a sword fight with giant dildos. I'm not proud of it.

P.S. The best part of the entire event. Later that evening, my mom was fixing us boys dinner. Mom is asking everybody what they want to drink. She asks JT, he says, "Water". She asks The Asian, he says, "I'll have whatever Ed's having. What are you having dude?" I say, "Milk". The Asian responds to my mom with, "Dildo!".
The Asian is mortified. Mom, JT, and I all bust out laughing. The Asian starts backpedalling with, "Ditto! I meant Ditto! Ditto's what I said!"
From that day forth, the Asian was known as "Ditto" around my house.


Mb said...

I cannot stop laughing. Thank you for this.

Travis said...

Sometimes you gotta swordfight. I mean, your honor was at stake. Those poor Asians and their small...dildos.

It's a shame, really.

The Demigoddess said...

Boys are just as interested in those toys as women. I can see that now...

spleeness said...

I too lost it at the end. Awesome!!

Kimberly said...

LOL! That was great. Thanks for the laugh~

Big Mama Cass said...

OMG!!! HAAAAAAHAHAHA I can't stop laughing! That is so dang funny! OMG HAHAHAHA!!

"The Asian was left with the little one.......cause......he was Asian." <---- LMFAO!!!!! PRICELESS!!! HAHAHA

Amy Gabbard said...

I sincerely hope you boys washed your hands before dinner...

Tricia said...


I'm so glad I'm not a parent because that would be exactly the kind of thing my kids would do.

Jay Ferris said...

Just be thankful you didn't have any black friends.

Mrs. Case said...

i feel bad for the asian kid, lol.

~the martini queen

shine said...

Ditto! Greatness. I think from now on, Dildo is the new Ditto.

Ed said...

Update: Ditto the Asian grew up to be very successful, lives in California, and has a beautiful fiancee (she's Asian too, so no size issues there). Last I asked, no lasting scars or welts from the experience. He still gets quiet when you call him "Ditto" though.

Ditto, if you read this, I love you man!

rachaelgking said...

Now I can never say the word "ditto" again... because I KNOW I'd say "dildo".

Phillipia said...

Dildo ---ooops, ditto what Lilu said.

Great post, lmao.

Sebastian Anthony said...

How teenage WERE you? Teenage enough to know that Asians are... smaller? :P

Or was that just a fortunate turn of events that made the story a whole lot more funny?

I've seen one of those 6-inch-across monsters... they're really scary.

The double-headed ones are pretty cool tho'.

Pam said...

poor asian can't get no love lol this was hilarious. except i don't think i would touch the toys cos ya don't know if they even wash those things or where it's been lol

came via dad blogs.


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