My reunion was this past month.
Or so I’m told.
See, ole Ed had a few too many. How many is too many, you
ask?
Well, the reunion started around 6pm and lasted until about
midnight.
I had a couple Crown & Cokes at the cash bar, and
visited with some old friends.
The guy who was our class president found me at the bar and
asked if I would be doing standup that night. I explained that it was talked
about, but that nothing was decided beforehand, so I never prepared anything.
He said that was bullshit and he wanted me to do it anyway.
I explained that I had not consumed nearly enough alcohol for provide an
impromptu performance.
He immediately ordered shots of some fancy Irish whiskey.
And several more followed.
I eventually made my way to the table where my wife &
sister-in-law (who married my best friend from High School) were seated.
At this point, things are getting foggy.
Eventually, I was handed a microphone with the request of
“At least give us a one-liner. Something quick.”
Anybody who knows me or my comedy knows, Ed don’t do
one-liners. I think I told some story about my dad or something, which pretty
much bombed.
It must have been bad, because when I turned around, my wife
said something about how my comedy doesn’t work with one-liners or something.
And, the guy I handed the mic back to thought he needed to save the moment by
trying a one-liner of his own, which I’m pretty sure got more laughs than me.
After that, my BFF/Brother-in-Law said “Let’s do some
shots”, and off to the bar we went.
That was about 8:30pm.
And that’s the last thing I remember.
Until I woke up. At 5 a.m. In my backyard.
Now, I started the evening drinking $3 crown & cokes,
which I was paying cash for from the $30 I had in my pocket. I remember ordering
3 of those, plus a double. This is in addition to all the shots people were
buying me.
However, at some point, I must have started a tab, because I
woke up with a receipt in my pocket for $75! AND no cash!
Although I have no memory of the night, I got a detailed
report from the wife. Without even asking for it.
I also questioned my Brother-in-Law about the evening’s
festivities.
Here are some of the highlights:
2 people told my wife that she needed to cut me off and take
me home. Evidently I had grabbed their crotch and ass. They were both men.
I bump&grind-ed with some “fat girl” on the dance floor.
I keep yelling “Fuck you!” and “Shut the fuck up!” to no one
in particular.
I told my sister-in-law that my brother-in-law was passed
out on the floor of the bathroom. No one remembers if he actually was.
I evidently said, on several occasions, “I want some blonde
because I get brown at home”.
I sat at the bar and did Snakebite shots with my
Brother-in-law for over an hour.
At one point, I order a full glass of whiskey, and forced
the class president to try and drink it all. He managed to choke down half, and
I finished the rest.
I yelled at the spouse of a classmate, “Who the FUCK are
you?! You weren’t in my class!”
I kept whispering to people, really loudly. Or, whispering
so close it bordered on giving them a hicky.
We didn’t leave till after midnight, because I refused to
leave.
Then, I refused to get in the cab of the truck. Evidently, I
kept shutting my foot in the door and telling my wife, “It’s fine, just go!” When
she would try to tell me otherwise, I would say, “Shut up and drive!”, which
she refused.
I eventually got in the back of the truck bed, which is how
I made the 15 min trip home.
Like I said, I have no memory of this. My first memory is
waking up freezing in the backyard at 5am.
I was still drunk till about 2pm the next day.
And hungover until the day following.
Pretty sure I must have had alcohol poisoning. It’s a
miracle I did not die.
AND that my wife did not leave me.
Lessons learned:
I will never again say, “I haven’t had nearly enough to
drink yet to do that.” That is basically a challenge.
Scotch whiskey, Irish whiskey, and Tequila don’t get along.
I’m kind of a dick, with a hidden preference for blondes and
fat girls. And maybe even a closet bisexual.
I don’t have that little inside voice that says, “Maybe you
should quit. You’ve probably had enough.”
I suck at whispering.
I have the BEST Wife in the World!
Seriously, it’s a miracle she hasn’t murdered me in my
sleep.
Yet.
