Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Check Out The Big Guy and Win Some Music Too. It's Like A Twofer!

You all remember my good buddy Travis, don't ya?

Let me refresh your membranes...


That's right!

Big T, or Big Love, as I like to call him....although, in a totally non-gay way....ahem....Big T is having a Blog Warming Party over at his new digs.

In honor of his new URL and fancy new fixin's, he's giving away an iTunes gift card!

That's right, FREE MUSIC!

So go over and give him some love, check out his new fishing hole, and sign up for some free music.

NOW!

Friday, February 18, 2011

I'm Really No Better Than The Illegal Mexicans...or Look For Me On Youtube.

How did it happen?
I have no idea.
Being distracted?
That’s my guess.
Trying to multi-task?
I should have known better, being a man.
It all started when I was asked to MC the Cub Scouts Blue & Gold Ceremony.
I’ve been a Scout leader for 5 years now.
I’m a veteran of the US Navy.
I work for the Federal Government.
My mom was even born on the FOURTH OF FREAKING JULY!
Patriotism is in my BLOOD, people!
So what went wrong?
I did the Welcome…
The Announcements…
 Lead them in the Pledge of Allegiance…
Had the minister say grace…..
Then I began dismissing them by group, to go get their food at the buffet tables, before we started the Awards portion of the program.
Only to have my wife….come up to me….and say, “Hey you big dork. You realize you were facing and saluting the wrong flag during the pledge, don’t you?”
FML
I, a Scout Leader in UNIFORM, lead the Scouts and their families, a crowd of approximately 100 people, in the Pledge of Allegiance TO, AND while SALUTING, the wrong flag.
FAIL
Thank God no one filmed it.
I think.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

The First Sign Of The Apocolypse Right Before Graveyards Run Out Of Dead Bodies.

All I wanted was 6 chicken legs.
Not for some weird Voodoo ritual. Besides, you use rooster legs for that.
No, I wanted 6 legs for my 3 picky little monsters, who believe the “other” parts aren’t real chicken.
ONE TIME of having dinner at the Dahmer’s house and NOW they’re suspicious of EVERYTHING!
So I pull up to KFC to order the 6 legs.
It’s ALWAYS the question of the day for the minimum wage staff too.
High School Dropout: “You want WHAT?!”
Me: “I said a 6 piece, of JUST legs.”
High School Dropout: “JUST LEGS?! Like in ‘legs ONLY’? You don’t want nuthin’ else?”
Me: “Nope. Just the legs.”
High School Dropout: “No breasts or anything?”
Me: “I’m going to need some more gas if I have to wait in this drive up lane much longer answering your stupid questions.”
High School Dropout: “Hold on, Sir, and let me check to see if we do that.” *yelling to management flunky* “THIS GUY AT THE WINDOW WANTS A SIX PIECE OF LEG ONLY! DO WE DO THAT?”
High School Dropout: “Okay, Sir, we do can do that. BUT unfortunately, we only have 3 legs.”
Me: *blink, blink* “Come again?”
High School Dropout: “We are almost out of legs and only have 3 left.”
Me: “THREE?!...How does THAT even happen?....Has your chicken supplier been selling you amputees?”
High School Dropout: “I’m not sure, Sir. I could ask my manager about that, if you want.”
Me: “GEEZ! Do you even HAVE your GED?”
H.S.D.: “……..”
Me: “It’s not like this is Popeye’s Chicken on some corner in the Hood. You guys are located in the country in INDIANA!”
H.S.D.: *quiet sobbing*
Me: “I mean, seriously, THIS IS KFC!...As in Kentucky Fried CHICKEN!.....How do YOU run out of Chicken?... Isn’t that against the law or something?”
H.S.D.:*silently praying for God to make it stop*
Me: “Do you think McDonald’s ever runs out of FREAKING CHEESEBURGERS?!”
H.S.D.: “I’m really sorry, Sir.”
Me: “Yes. Yes you are.”
H.S.D.: “Do you want the 3 that we have?”
Me: “Of course I do, don’t be silly. And a Family size tub of Mac & Cheese, Please.”

-Ending it in “Please” makes it all better and totally keeps them from spitting in the food.
-You might think I was a tad harsh, but we both know you are an overly sensitive tree hugger type who prefers rainbow and unicorns. Plus this was the SECOND time in a week that has happened to me at that same place.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

"What's Wrong With This World, Momma?"...The Black Eyed Peas Are Right!

Why I hate the News
Me: “We should watch the news. We have no idea what’s going on in the world. UNLESS it shows up on Facebook.”
Newscaster: “Tonight’s news….Blah blah blah…..MURDER…DEATH…BAD ECONOMY…RAPE…BABY IN A DUMPSTER…”
Me: “Holy crap!”
Newscaster: “More MURDER….MORE DEATH…WORSE ECONOMY….MORE RAPE….MORE BABIES IN A DUMPSTER!’
Me: “JESUS, this is depressing! Surely it’s got to get better!”
Newscaster: “EVERYONES DEAD!.....THEY ARE KILLING EACH OTHER AND THEMSELVES!....AND GETTING FIRED OR LAID OFF…..THEY ARE RAPING ANYTHING THAT MOVES, AND SOME THINGS THAT DON’T…..AND DUMPSTERS HAVE BECOME VIRTUAL NURSERIES!!!”
Me: “This sucks! I hate the news! Where’s the feel good stuff?! I can’t wait for the weather!”

Weatherman: “IT’S GOING TO BE THE STORM OF THE CENTURY!....40% OF THE COUNTRY WILL BE EFFECTED….MASS POWER OUTAGES….NO BREAD OR MILK ANYWHERE!”
Me: “What the (bleep)?!”
Weatherman: “……PEOPLE WILL DIE!....BUT AT LEAST IT’LL BE TOO COLD TO RAPE!”
Me: *blink,blink*
Weatherman: “The weekend forecast is more of the same…Or not….I really have no idea…I get paid to guess.”
Me: “Geez! I can’t wait for sports! You can’t mess up sports!”

Sportscaster: “Tonight on Sports…..BRETT FAVRE’S PENIS!.....REX RYAN'S FOOT FETISH VIDEOS!”
Me: “THAT’S IT!  I GIVE UP!...............I’m turning it back to Nick Jr.”

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Checkout My Interview & Welcome Visitors!

I'm interviewed over at Handbags & Handguns today!

I was lucky enough to be selected from her HOARDS of male followers (3 total) to be featured for Man Week.

Go check it out.

And follow her too, cause she's funny and knows about celebrities and stuff.

ALSO....

If you are visiting the Funny Pages for the first time, please feel free to nose around in my archives.

There's some good stuff in there.

You might even find video of me doing Standup.

And if you look back far enough, you can find my legendary (in my mind) STICKMAN cartoons!

Enjoy and WELCOME!

BlogCatalog

Humor & Funny Blogs - BlogCatalog Blog Directory