***my set is in itallics, post commentary in tiny blue***
**Travis’ contributions are in pink. Because he likes Duke. And DUKE is gay**
How ya’ll doing tonight?
Pathetic crowd response, except for a couple of hoots from the few already drunk people
Well, you’re doing better than my mom.
Silence, except a few confused “WTF” chuckles, and one girl with a very loud “Bwah”
She was supposed to be here tonight, but decided to catch cancer.
At this point, I realized my material was too dark and adult for this college aged crowd. I was going for more of a shock & awe comedy response of “Hahaha…I can’t believe I’m laughing at this, I feel so terrible”….INSTEAD, I got a sympathetic, “Awwwwww, that’s soooo sad” response.
Well… it’s not so much that she “caught cancer” as she “had chemo”. **quotes delivered with air quotes**
Received with silence
Evidently that’s was “necessary” to “improve her chances”.
More Silence. Much later, I came up with the perfect opening for a response like this. I should have said…”So my mom has cancer.” And when they went “Awwww”, I could have come back with…”Don’t give me that awwww shit. I said MY mom, not YOUR mom….I wish it was YOUR mom….MY mom still owes me money!”—That’s gold right there.
Whatever…
The crap she pulls to get out of watching the kids on date night…
I might have left this line out. I can’t remember. It was a late addition anyway, and didn’t make sense. Why would mom want out of watching our kids if she was supposed to be at the show. Plus, this crowd WAS kids, so it was beyond them.
That probably makes me seem apathetic…but I don’t care.
Hey, there’s that line from my earlier rejected mental health bit. Anybody guess that right? At this point, I start assuring the crowd that it’s okay to laugh about this.
Cancer does sucks though…..…I mean, more so for her.
Nervous chuckles
But I’ve found it’s not without some advantages.
One nervous chuckle from the crowd
It’s like a never-ending get-out-of-jail-free card.
Nothing. They obviously don’t play Monopoly.
Well….hopefully neverending
A couple of laughs.
But like the other day my wife was yelling at me for something totally not my fault…like breathing…or just being more awesome than her…
More people laughing now.
Until I said….”But my mom has cancer.”
“BAM!"
Wife starts crying… saying she’s sorry…..it’s her fault I always screw up the checkbook….that I never have to lift another finger around the house….or change a diaper again….
Family stuff went right over these kids’ heads
that we can have lots of sex…
Sex gets them. They LOVE sex. Now they are with me. In fact, throughout the rest of the show--sex, drugs, and pizza jokes got the biggest laughs. Go figure. Stupid college kids. I was totally going to do a joke about smoking a bong while having sex with a pizza. Like a movie. Call it American Pizza Pie High. Thanks a lot, *JennyMac*, for encouraging me to refrain from “the normal” overplayed comic routines involving “jerking off & smoking pot”. Those totally would have won this crowd.
I might be adlibbing here, but you get my point.
Laughing
My point is…Cancer’s a Lose-Win scenario.
Just depends on perspective.
That part was me channeling my inner Daniel Tosh. Pretend he said that last line, and you get what I mean.
Nah....I love my mom.
She’s the best mom I have.
More laughing.
Before she got diagnosed, she’d been trying to live healthier….
Obviously…..she wasn’t trying hard enough.
They're laughing now, and I’ve found my groove. Nerves are gone. I notice the comedians in the back are cracking up. Then, the strangest thing happens. Everything starts getting foggy. Like a dream, or like I’m looking through a cloud of smoke. I am totally on autopilot now. I’m not even thinking about what I’m saying. It’s just gushing forth. (TWSS)
Don’t get me wrong…..it’s better her than me.
Takes the kids a minute to get, but the comedians LOVE it.
But I’ve been encouraging her to live it up.
I mean why not? She’s already got cancer.
Audible “Ha” up front.
Just think of all the stuff you’d no longer have to worry about once you have it.
I’d be going to the beach everyday…..covered in Crisco……smoking big cigars….rolled in asbestos paper……maybe eating red-meat sandwiches…..and washing it down with a little Agent Orange.
They are starting to seriously crack up.
But mom’s spirits are high, and she has really great doctors.
In fact, my sisters loved her surgeon.
I don’t know how many times I heard them say that “his wife has terminal cancer”.
I’m sorry…..but THAT’S NOT a selling point.
Laughing.
That’s like choosing a realtor who’s own father is homeless.
More laughing.
Or a teacher whose kid is illiterate.
Serious laughing. In fact, I hear a black guy sitting up front say, “Dammmnnn, that’s some crazy shit!”
You know I just can’t help thinking…
Maybe this is God’s revenge for mom telling me when I was a kid that maxipads were really footpads.
The house is starting to come down.
Do you wanna know how bad I got made fun of when I took my shoes off in gym class?
They are dying. Suddenly, I notice the light in the back of the room. It’s already white. I totally spaced it, and missed the red one that signaled a minute left. SHIT. I was supposed to point or nod.
I didn’t know any better.
I just thought my mom and sisters had really odd shaped feet.
They love me. They really love me.
Like they had a heel on both ends.
I notice that a waitress in the back of the room with a full tray is stopped and laughing. There goes her tips.
Boy, those things worked great for foot sweat though.
Girl up front starts choking with laughter.
And COMFY…..like those Dr.Scholls commercials…”Are you Gellin’?”
“No, I’m Kotexin!”
HUGE laugh! Killed them with that.
Thanks. That’s my time.
*JennyMac, you know I'm kidding. I was totally flattered when you encouraged me to try this.*
**Travis, I wasn’t kidding. DUKE is gay.**
***Post commentaries are strictly my opinions and thoughts.***
Next post we’ll find out what other people thought….not that it matters.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
SHOWTIME!
SHOW TIME!
830pm The MC Comic, Charlie Lind (aka Buddy Holley’s Gay Nephew—his words, not mine), opens the show. He did a quick 5 minutes of decent improv to get the crowd fired up. Meanwhile, I was setting on some steps in the wings, scanning my notes and trying desperately to slow my heart rate and breathing.
833pm Another more experienced comic, who had offered me support earlier, comes over to where I’m seated on the setups. He’s not up until later, but has walked clear across the back of the club to reach me. Probably because he noticed me disappear behind the half-wall concealing the steps, and figured I passed out. He puts his hand on my shoulder and says, “You okay?” I said, “Yep. Just using this step light for my notes.” He said, “Just relax. Have fun up there. You’re going to do great.” I wish I could remember his name. Later, I found out he was one of the comics who had been on The Bob & Tom Show.
834pm I can feel the cottonmouth beginning to take over. I race over to a server and ask for a glass of water to take onstage. She says, “Ok. Just give me a minute and I’ll be right back.” I head back over to my perch on the steps.
835pm My time is NOW. Still no server or water. Charlie does my intro:
“This next comic is a humor blogger turn standup comic. He describes himself as a life-long smartass and all around dick. Give it up for Ed Adams.”
835pm (and 5 seconds) I bound up to the stage. My mind is racing like my heart. I set my notes on the stool. I had debated about that. Originally, I planned NOT to take notes onstage. I read where it appeared unprofessional. I knew I didn’t need them (I didn’t even use them), but I was worried that getting a brainfart and freezing up there would appear MORE unprofessional. PLUS, the MC used notes. (As well as most of the other comics.)
835pm (and 10 seconds) I grab the mic off the stand and hit my opening line to begin my set.
To Be Continued….
Hahahahahaha....Naw, seriously, I'll post more today. It was just too much for one post. Check back in later.
830pm The MC Comic, Charlie Lind (aka Buddy Holley’s Gay Nephew—his words, not mine), opens the show. He did a quick 5 minutes of decent improv to get the crowd fired up. Meanwhile, I was setting on some steps in the wings, scanning my notes and trying desperately to slow my heart rate and breathing.
833pm Another more experienced comic, who had offered me support earlier, comes over to where I’m seated on the setups. He’s not up until later, but has walked clear across the back of the club to reach me. Probably because he noticed me disappear behind the half-wall concealing the steps, and figured I passed out. He puts his hand on my shoulder and says, “You okay?” I said, “Yep. Just using this step light for my notes.” He said, “Just relax. Have fun up there. You’re going to do great.” I wish I could remember his name. Later, I found out he was one of the comics who had been on The Bob & Tom Show.
834pm I can feel the cottonmouth beginning to take over. I race over to a server and ask for a glass of water to take onstage. She says, “Ok. Just give me a minute and I’ll be right back.” I head back over to my perch on the steps.
835pm My time is NOW. Still no server or water. Charlie does my intro:
“This next comic is a humor blogger turn standup comic. He describes himself as a life-long smartass and all around dick. Give it up for Ed Adams.”
835pm (and 5 seconds) I bound up to the stage. My mind is racing like my heart. I set my notes on the stool. I had debated about that. Originally, I planned NOT to take notes onstage. I read where it appeared unprofessional. I knew I didn’t need them (I didn’t even use them), but I was worried that getting a brainfart and freezing up there would appear MORE unprofessional. PLUS, the MC used notes. (As well as most of the other comics.)
835pm (and 10 seconds) I grab the mic off the stand and hit my opening line to begin my set.
To Be Continued….
Hahahahahaha....Naw, seriously, I'll post more today. It was just too much for one post. Check back in later.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
I DID IT! I'm Officially A Standup Comic.
I DID IT!!!
Folks, I rarely get nervous.
Like EVER!
My wife even said, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you nervous before.”
But after I found out yesterday that my mom wasn’t well enough to attend the show, I started worrying.
She was my inspiration for trying this. Of course, I had always thought about and wanted to try it, but when mom found out she had cancer, that’s when I decided that there was no time like the present. She had always been there to support and encourage me in everything I’ve done, and I wanted to do this while she was able to see it. My whole bit was in tribute to my mom.
Basically, I was....going to.....bust on her for having cancer.
I know that sounds cruel, but you’d have to know my mom. She is where I get my sick & twisted sense of humor and wit from.
It’s just how we deal with the uncomfortable----we poke it with a stick.
And after focusing all my efforts on getting my routine delivery just right, the idea of writing new stuff at the last minute scared the crap out of me.
If it hadn’t been for you folks supporting and counting on me, I probably would have backed out at that point.
Big props to Mr. Travis Sloat.
I text/gchatted him at my moment of utmost panic, and explained to him my dilemma. He, being the more experienced standup comic (by two shows), told me not to freak. He reminded me that it was ONLY 3 minutes. He also offered me tips on how to save my material, and even gave me a new opening (DUDE, I totally blew that delivery. So that line bombed. But it was still a good line.)
After reworking my bit, I started cramming the material and polishing the delivery. By the time we left early for Indy, I was feeling pretty confident.
630pm We arrived in Indy. I wasn’t due to check in until 745, or 730 at the earliest. So the wife and I grabbed dinner at MCL (aka. The Land Of The Walking Dead). However, this MCL was populated by college kids and area rich people. And the food and service was AWESOME!
715pm We headed to the club. Seeing how we were still early, we walked around Broad Ripple village, which is near Butler University. Go BULLDOGS!!! (They ALMOST beat Travis’ DUKE in the Finals of the NCAAs last year)
The village is like any other college “village”. Lot’s of clubs and bars and shops.
Except this one had an over abundance of smoke shacks, record stores, and shoe repair places.
HOW do these places stay in business? I couldn’t help but wonder if there was a fleet of chain-smoking & barefoot college DJ’s running around Butler.
Seriously, shoe repair? The wife pointed out that new shoes would be cheaper than getting old ones repaired, and that shoes nowadays aren’t even REAL shoes that you WOULD repair.
I think they should just call it what it is….a GLUE STORE.
It’s not like there’s a bunch of midget cobblers inside hammering away on some Jordans.
730pm We hit the club and my heart instantly starts racing. I check in and wait.
745pm The preshow meeting starts and I’m still not even sure if I’ll get to perform, since I have no idea about my 5 required guests. But I meet some of the other comedians and that’s cool and somewhat calming. Comedians are GREAT people, even if they seem like a dick onstage. The Club people go through the rules (Red warning light when you have 1 minute left & which you must acknowledge with a point or a nod, white light when you are out of time & don’t you dare start a new joke, and lastly no EFF bombs). Afterwards, everybody pulls out their notes and starts going over their material one last time.
800pm The crowd is let in. About 100 people. Mostly college kids. Then music starts pumping, which is supposed to fire up the crowd.
815pm They tell everybody to grab a slip of paper and write their intro for the MC Comic.
WHAT?!! I had no idea there would be a written portion of the test! I was so unprepared.
I asked the MC what kind of stuff he wanted. Just my name---thinking he would use his talents around that? Or should we come up with our own blurb? He said name was important, but it was also to set the crowd up FOR me. Basically, to get them excited and give them some idea of what to expect FROM me.
I chewed on that for awhile. I thought of how I was about to make fun of my cancer-stricken mother who wasn’t even there. I wrote something short and quick, which later came out of the MC’s mouth like this:
"This next comic is a humor blogger turn standup comic. He describes himself as a life-long smartass and all around dick. Give it up for Ed Adams."
820pm We get the final set list. I have been moved from 3rd to 1st. FML.
The original list set list had about 17 comics, of which I was 3rd. AND one of 5 new comics.
The final set list had 11. No show-ers and non-performers, I hated you at that point. I had been moved to 1st. And NOW, the only new comics were me and some deaf guy. He went next to last.
If I knew how to sign, I would have orchestrated a trade.
825pm Wife texts me. “Should I try to record?” Crap, I was planning on having her record with her phone while getting the good camera from her before the show to ask another comedian to record for me, since you were only allowed to record from the comedians area. I replied, “Sure. Fuck’em.” She sent back, “I’m not sure I want to do THAT. I’m also not pulling out the big camera. Let me use your phone.” So after locating her seat, I passed her my phone on the way to the staging area.
830pm Show starts.
To be continue…. :)
Folks, I rarely get nervous.
Like EVER!
My wife even said, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you nervous before.”
But after I found out yesterday that my mom wasn’t well enough to attend the show, I started worrying.
She was my inspiration for trying this. Of course, I had always thought about and wanted to try it, but when mom found out she had cancer, that’s when I decided that there was no time like the present. She had always been there to support and encourage me in everything I’ve done, and I wanted to do this while she was able to see it. My whole bit was in tribute to my mom.
Basically, I was....going to.....bust on her for having cancer.
I know that sounds cruel, but you’d have to know my mom. She is where I get my sick & twisted sense of humor and wit from.
It’s just how we deal with the uncomfortable----we poke it with a stick.
And after focusing all my efforts on getting my routine delivery just right, the idea of writing new stuff at the last minute scared the crap out of me.
If it hadn’t been for you folks supporting and counting on me, I probably would have backed out at that point.
Big props to Mr. Travis Sloat.
I text/gchatted him at my moment of utmost panic, and explained to him my dilemma. He, being the more experienced standup comic (by two shows), told me not to freak. He reminded me that it was ONLY 3 minutes. He also offered me tips on how to save my material, and even gave me a new opening (DUDE, I totally blew that delivery. So that line bombed. But it was still a good line.)
After reworking my bit, I started cramming the material and polishing the delivery. By the time we left early for Indy, I was feeling pretty confident.
630pm We arrived in Indy. I wasn’t due to check in until 745, or 730 at the earliest. So the wife and I grabbed dinner at MCL (aka. The Land Of The Walking Dead). However, this MCL was populated by college kids and area rich people. And the food and service was AWESOME!
715pm We headed to the club. Seeing how we were still early, we walked around Broad Ripple village, which is near Butler University. Go BULLDOGS!!! (They ALMOST beat Travis’ DUKE in the Finals of the NCAAs last year)
The village is like any other college “village”. Lot’s of clubs and bars and shops.
Except this one had an over abundance of smoke shacks, record stores, and shoe repair places.
HOW do these places stay in business? I couldn’t help but wonder if there was a fleet of chain-smoking & barefoot college DJ’s running around Butler.
Seriously, shoe repair? The wife pointed out that new shoes would be cheaper than getting old ones repaired, and that shoes nowadays aren’t even REAL shoes that you WOULD repair.
I think they should just call it what it is….a GLUE STORE.
It’s not like there’s a bunch of midget cobblers inside hammering away on some Jordans.
730pm We hit the club and my heart instantly starts racing. I check in and wait.
745pm The preshow meeting starts and I’m still not even sure if I’ll get to perform, since I have no idea about my 5 required guests. But I meet some of the other comedians and that’s cool and somewhat calming. Comedians are GREAT people, even if they seem like a dick onstage. The Club people go through the rules (Red warning light when you have 1 minute left & which you must acknowledge with a point or a nod, white light when you are out of time & don’t you dare start a new joke, and lastly no EFF bombs). Afterwards, everybody pulls out their notes and starts going over their material one last time.
800pm The crowd is let in. About 100 people. Mostly college kids. Then music starts pumping, which is supposed to fire up the crowd.
815pm They tell everybody to grab a slip of paper and write their intro for the MC Comic.
WHAT?!! I had no idea there would be a written portion of the test! I was so unprepared.
I asked the MC what kind of stuff he wanted. Just my name---thinking he would use his talents around that? Or should we come up with our own blurb? He said name was important, but it was also to set the crowd up FOR me. Basically, to get them excited and give them some idea of what to expect FROM me.
I chewed on that for awhile. I thought of how I was about to make fun of my cancer-stricken mother who wasn’t even there. I wrote something short and quick, which later came out of the MC’s mouth like this:
"This next comic is a humor blogger turn standup comic. He describes himself as a life-long smartass and all around dick. Give it up for Ed Adams."
820pm We get the final set list. I have been moved from 3rd to 1st. FML.
The original list set list had about 17 comics, of which I was 3rd. AND one of 5 new comics.
The final set list had 11. No show-ers and non-performers, I hated you at that point. I had been moved to 1st. And NOW, the only new comics were me and some deaf guy. He went next to last.
If I knew how to sign, I would have orchestrated a trade.
825pm Wife texts me. “Should I try to record?” Crap, I was planning on having her record with her phone while getting the good camera from her before the show to ask another comedian to record for me, since you were only allowed to record from the comedians area. I replied, “Sure. Fuck’em.” She sent back, “I’m not sure I want to do THAT. I’m also not pulling out the big camera. Let me use your phone.” So after locating her seat, I passed her my phone on the way to the staging area.
830pm Show starts.
To be continue…. :)
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
TODAY IS THE DAY!
Dear God,
Please don't let me suck.
And I’m already sweating bullets.
Not because I am nervous I’ll forget my material.
I might. I mean, I have run through it so many times that I know it better than Russell Brand knows Katy Perry’s naughty bits (which is almost as well as Elmo does.)
But stage fright can be a sneaky devil.
No…
What I’m most worried about is the material itself.
I’m worried it won’t be funny enough.
I always hate the stuff I write. It never seems funny to me.
Plus, since I hate rehashing things over and over, just like I hate eating leftovers (fresh is best), the material is basically dead to me at this point.
Regardless, stand-up is all in the delivery.
You could be serving up hot turd stew, but as long as you nail the delivery, people will eat it with a smile on their faces.
If all else fails, it’s only three minutes.
Here’s hoping that my three minutes aren’t pure hell, and that the crowd eats my turds.
P.S. If you plan on attending (PLEASE DO!), the show starts at 830pm. I’m up 3rd. You do need to call for reservations AND mention my name, if you want the discounted price.
P.P.S. For those in Blogland not able to attend, I will try to have it recorded to post here ASAP. Also, I plan on some serious anxiety tweeting.
P.P.S.S. For those on Facebook, most of you live close, so you have no excuse for not attending.
Please don't let me suck.
(Ironic. I used that same prayer daily back in prison.)
Today is the day!
And I’m already sweating bullets.
Not because I am nervous I’ll forget my material.
I might. I mean, I have run through it so many times that I know it better than Russell Brand knows Katy Perry’s naughty bits (which is almost as well as Elmo does.)
But stage fright can be a sneaky devil.
No…
What I’m most worried about is the material itself.
I’m worried it won’t be funny enough.
I always hate the stuff I write. It never seems funny to me.
Plus, since I hate rehashing things over and over, just like I hate eating leftovers (fresh is best), the material is basically dead to me at this point.
Regardless, stand-up is all in the delivery.
You could be serving up hot turd stew, but as long as you nail the delivery, people will eat it with a smile on their faces.
If all else fails, it’s only three minutes.
Here’s hoping that my three minutes aren’t pure hell, and that the crowd eats my turds.
P.S. If you plan on attending (PLEASE DO!), the show starts at 830pm. I’m up 3rd. You do need to call for reservations AND mention my name, if you want the discounted price.
P.P.S. For those in Blogland not able to attend, I will try to have it recorded to post here ASAP. Also, I plan on some serious anxiety tweeting.
P.P.S.S. For those on Facebook, most of you live close, so you have no excuse for not attending.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Rejected Stand-up Material: The Mental Health Bit.
This is third and final installment of rejected stand-up material I wrote while preparing for my debut.
My debut is supposed to be next Tuesday, and even though I have finished my routine, I am worried for several reasons.
1. I was partly doing this for my mom, but she starts chemo the day before and might not be well enough to attend.
2. I had also planned to video it for you guys, and anyone else who couldn’t attend (i.e. Mom). However, the club will only allow video from the comedians’ seats. That rules out my wife doing the video. My arms are only so long, so I’m not sure I can video myself while onstage. I am hoping another comedian will help out.
3. I MUST have a minimum of 5 guests present in order to perform. I originally thought this wouldn’t be a problem, but my supporters are dropping like flies. Mom has the chemo, other people can’t find a babysitter because it’s a Tuesday, or didn’t have enough notice, etc. I understand all that. It is far drive on a weeknight for only 3 minutes.
4. And NOW, even our own babysitter is starting to back out (MIL can’t miss belly-dancing class *possible future routine material*).
Regardless, I’ll still try pulling it off. Please wish me luck.
For anyone who plans on attending, don’t forget to give them my name at the door. That way they’ll credit you towards my total count.
ENOUGH rambling!!!
I give you……….The Mental Health Bit
A coworker the other day was all, “Hey Ed!.....Are you okay?.......You seem really apathetic.” *coworker voice*
And I was like, “Pssshha, whatever. Like I care what you think!”
My counselor says I’m passive-aggressive.
I say he’s a really nice and honest guy……who needs to keep his opinions to himself unless he wants his tires slashed.
Counselors think they know everything.
And they’re so quick to label people.
You take a loaded assault rifle to work ONE TIME…..and suddenly you have “anger issues”.
Come on!
Doesn’t everybody kick kittens and punch babies?
They always ask you those same questions too.
“Are you having thoughts of harming yourself?” *counselor voice*
I’m like, “Look….I love me….Seriously, what’s not to love?”
Besides….. there’s a big difference in being homicidal and suicidal
…..And that difference is where you aim.
They want to talk about your relationships, also.
“So Ed, how are things in your marriage?” *counselor voice*
“My wife thinks I’m having an affair.”
“Why would she think that?” *counselor voice*
“Probably because your wife can’t keep her mouth shut any better than her legs.”
Or they bring up that whole “mid-life crisis” BS.
“Do you think you might be having a mid-life crisis?” *counselor voice*
“No chance”
“Why not?” *counselor voice*
“Because I’m ONLY 35, Nostradamus!........I plan on living longer than 70……..Ask me again in 5 years.”
“So, you think 80 is a good age to die.” *counselor voice*
“Depends.”
“On what?” *counselor voice*
“On who we're talking about and how old you are……..Cause I’m thinking you are topping out about now.”
What is a good age?
70?
80?
I used to want to live to hundred.
But really, it’s a quality vs. quantity thing.
If you spend those last 20 years in bed….gumming your food….and pissing yourself….. do they really count?
TAA-DAA!
No Stealing.
***Spoiler alert: One part of this bit will be in my final routine. Can you guess which part?”
My debut is supposed to be next Tuesday, and even though I have finished my routine, I am worried for several reasons.
1. I was partly doing this for my mom, but she starts chemo the day before and might not be well enough to attend.
2. I had also planned to video it for you guys, and anyone else who couldn’t attend (i.e. Mom). However, the club will only allow video from the comedians’ seats. That rules out my wife doing the video. My arms are only so long, so I’m not sure I can video myself while onstage. I am hoping another comedian will help out.
3. I MUST have a minimum of 5 guests present in order to perform. I originally thought this wouldn’t be a problem, but my supporters are dropping like flies. Mom has the chemo, other people can’t find a babysitter because it’s a Tuesday, or didn’t have enough notice, etc. I understand all that. It is far drive on a weeknight for only 3 minutes.
4. And NOW, even our own babysitter is starting to back out (MIL can’t miss belly-dancing class *possible future routine material*).
Regardless, I’ll still try pulling it off. Please wish me luck.
For anyone who plans on attending, don’t forget to give them my name at the door. That way they’ll credit you towards my total count.
ENOUGH rambling!!!
I give you……….The Mental Health Bit
A coworker the other day was all, “Hey Ed!.....Are you okay?.......You seem really apathetic.” *coworker voice*
And I was like, “Pssshha, whatever. Like I care what you think!”
My counselor says I’m passive-aggressive.
I say he’s a really nice and honest guy……who needs to keep his opinions to himself unless he wants his tires slashed.
Counselors think they know everything.
And they’re so quick to label people.
You take a loaded assault rifle to work ONE TIME…..and suddenly you have “anger issues”.
Come on!
Doesn’t everybody kick kittens and punch babies?
They always ask you those same questions too.
“Are you having thoughts of harming yourself?” *counselor voice*
I’m like, “Look….I love me….Seriously, what’s not to love?”
Besides….. there’s a big difference in being homicidal and suicidal
…..And that difference is where you aim.
They want to talk about your relationships, also.
“So Ed, how are things in your marriage?” *counselor voice*
“My wife thinks I’m having an affair.”
“Why would she think that?” *counselor voice*
“Probably because your wife can’t keep her mouth shut any better than her legs.”
Or they bring up that whole “mid-life crisis” BS.
“Do you think you might be having a mid-life crisis?” *counselor voice*
“No chance”
“Why not?” *counselor voice*
“Because I’m ONLY 35, Nostradamus!........I plan on living longer than 70……..Ask me again in 5 years.”
“So, you think 80 is a good age to die.” *counselor voice*
“Depends.”
“On what?” *counselor voice*
“On who we're talking about and how old you are……..Cause I’m thinking you are topping out about now.”
What is a good age?
70?
80?
I used to want to live to hundred.
But really, it’s a quality vs. quantity thing.
If you spend those last 20 years in bed….gumming your food….and pissing yourself….. do they really count?
TAA-DAA!
No Stealing.
***Spoiler alert: One part of this bit will be in my final routine. Can you guess which part?”
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Rejected Standup Material: The Email/Office Bit
In the Second Installment of Stand-up material I wrote for my debut next week, and later rejected as not being worthy….
I give you…………….The Email/Office Bit.
Remember the days before email, chat, Facebook, and all that stuff?
Like, when you wanted to talk to someone, you actually had call them on the phone.
Or go see them in person.
My wife used to write me letters when I was in the Navy.
Like REAL paper letters.
On LINED paper.
In ENVELOPES.
Somebody told me the other day that the Post Office was still in business.
I was like, “Shut the front door!”
How is that even possible?
Is there THAT many old people still alive?
I should Google that.
Who are these people who are refusing to board the technology bus?
They probably still have rotary dial phones and stationary.
Not me.
I love me some email.
I check mine so much, that my inbox can’t keep up.
I end up getting excited by spam messages.
YEAH, SPAM!
“WHY YES!.....I WAS THINKING OF MAKING MY PENIS BIGGER!....THANK YOU MR. SPAM!.....I’LL PUT THAT ON MY SPAM “TO-DO-LIST”.......RIGHT AFTER A NICE RETIREMENT HOME FOR MOM.......AND AN EXCITING CAREER IN MEDICAL TRANSCRIPTION!”
The best is when you go on vacation for a week.
Then, when you comeback, it’s like Christmas morning!
Hundreds of new messages in your inbox.
Just waiting to be deleted.
Plus, you have an excuse for not working for a couple of days.
“How was your trip Jim?”....“Bet you couldn’t wait to get back.”....“Did you get that memo I sent you?”
“I’m still going through all my e-mail messages.”
It totally works.
Everybody can sympathize with it, cause they’ve been through that return from vacation email storm.
They also know you are deleting them....because that’s what they did.
But they won’t accuse you of it, cause then they would be outing themselves.
Plus, there is always the chance that you are some kind of freak super employee who actually does read them all, and they can’t take that chance.
Jobs are great though.
Especially in this economy.
It’s good to have a job.
Did you see the list of the deadliest jobs that came out?
All manual labor jobs.
Fishing....logging.....farming.....roofing.....that kind of stuff.
That just proves hard work....CAN KILL YOU.
You never see office worker on that list.
I work in an office.
Some people look for job security......I look for job SAFETY.
I even work in an office at a hospital.
Just in case.
Office work is pretty safe though.
Eye strain and carpal tunnel, those are your biggest job risks.
Don’t get me wrong, paper cuts hurt........but not as much as a tree falling on your head.
Oh sure, there’s the occasional letter opener mishap.
Or maybe there’s a scuffle in the break room.
Someone neglected to refill the coffee maker after taking the last cup of Joe?
It’s not like things turn deadly when your nearest weapons are scotch tape, staplers, and post-it notes.
But maybe there’s some pushing and shoving.
Maybe someone gets whiteout in the eye.
Then some is stabbed with scissors, or a #2 pencil.
They in turn grab a thing of toner.........but quickly realizes you have to be careful with that stuff cause it will get everywhere and ruin your good pants.
Blood will come out.
Toner......not so much.
The next thing you know, someone is shrink-wrapped to the copy machine, and that’s what they get for taking the last cupcake.
It can be a jungle out there, man, an office jungle.
TAA-DAA!
Another failure on my way to finding my comedic voice. Sure, there were some positives, but making the transition from humor blogger to Stand-up comedian is difficult. Some stuff is funnier read than spoken, and vice versa.
Regardless, NO STEALING, even if it does suck.
Anyway, stay tuned. I have one more reject coming later this week.
Next Tuesday is THE BIG DAY! I hope to have my act nailed down by then.
Video will be posted afterwards, if possible.
I give you…………….The Email/Office Bit.
Remember the days before email, chat, Facebook, and all that stuff?
Like, when you wanted to talk to someone, you actually had call them on the phone.
Or go see them in person.
My wife used to write me letters when I was in the Navy.
Like REAL paper letters.
On LINED paper.
In ENVELOPES.
Somebody told me the other day that the Post Office was still in business.
I was like, “Shut the front door!”
How is that even possible?
Is there THAT many old people still alive?
I should Google that.
Who are these people who are refusing to board the technology bus?
They probably still have rotary dial phones and stationary.
Not me.
I love me some email.
I check mine so much, that my inbox can’t keep up.
I end up getting excited by spam messages.
YEAH, SPAM!
“WHY YES!.....I WAS THINKING OF MAKING MY PENIS BIGGER!....THANK YOU MR. SPAM!.....I’LL PUT THAT ON MY SPAM “TO-DO-LIST”.......RIGHT AFTER A NICE RETIREMENT HOME FOR MOM.......AND AN EXCITING CAREER IN MEDICAL TRANSCRIPTION!”
The best is when you go on vacation for a week.
Then, when you comeback, it’s like Christmas morning!
Hundreds of new messages in your inbox.
Just waiting to be deleted.
Plus, you have an excuse for not working for a couple of days.
“How was your trip Jim?”....“Bet you couldn’t wait to get back.”....“Did you get that memo I sent you?”
“I’m still going through all my e-mail messages.”
It totally works.
Everybody can sympathize with it, cause they’ve been through that return from vacation email storm.
They also know you are deleting them....because that’s what they did.
But they won’t accuse you of it, cause then they would be outing themselves.
Plus, there is always the chance that you are some kind of freak super employee who actually does read them all, and they can’t take that chance.
Jobs are great though.
Especially in this economy.
It’s good to have a job.
Did you see the list of the deadliest jobs that came out?
All manual labor jobs.
Fishing....logging.....farming.....roofing.....that kind of stuff.
That just proves hard work....CAN KILL YOU.
You never see office worker on that list.
I work in an office.
Some people look for job security......I look for job SAFETY.
I even work in an office at a hospital.
Just in case.
Office work is pretty safe though.
Eye strain and carpal tunnel, those are your biggest job risks.
Don’t get me wrong, paper cuts hurt........but not as much as a tree falling on your head.
Oh sure, there’s the occasional letter opener mishap.
Or maybe there’s a scuffle in the break room.
Someone neglected to refill the coffee maker after taking the last cup of Joe?
It’s not like things turn deadly when your nearest weapons are scotch tape, staplers, and post-it notes.
But maybe there’s some pushing and shoving.
Maybe someone gets whiteout in the eye.
Then some is stabbed with scissors, or a #2 pencil.
They in turn grab a thing of toner.........but quickly realizes you have to be careful with that stuff cause it will get everywhere and ruin your good pants.
Blood will come out.
Toner......not so much.
The next thing you know, someone is shrink-wrapped to the copy machine, and that’s what they get for taking the last cupcake.
It can be a jungle out there, man, an office jungle.
TAA-DAA!
Another failure on my way to finding my comedic voice. Sure, there were some positives, but making the transition from humor blogger to Stand-up comedian is difficult. Some stuff is funnier read than spoken, and vice versa.
Regardless, NO STEALING, even if it does suck.
Anyway, stay tuned. I have one more reject coming later this week.
Next Tuesday is THE BIG DAY! I hope to have my act nailed down by then.
Video will be posted afterwards, if possible.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Rejected Standup Material: The Homeless Bit
This is the first installment of potential standup material that I wrote and later rejected (I didn't think it was funny enough).
But I might still use it someday, so no stealing.
Writing standup is A LOT different than writing blog posts. Not only are you constrained by time limits, but your style of writing is different. Things are geared towards verbal delivery, and with audience interaction/participation. Also, the time limits in standup basically cut out the rambling and steady buildup that blogging affords.
With all that in mind, I give you…..The Homeless Bit.
I love watching TV.
You guys love TV, right?
I love watching the Discovery Channel.
You ever watch those survival shows on the Discovery Channel?
You know: Man vs. Wild, Dual Survival, that kind of thing.
It’s always these so called “survival” experts talking about how important food and shelter are in surviving out in the elements.
Yeah. Whatever….Mr. Survival Expert…We all know you have the cavalry standing by in case there’s real trouble.
Seriously, give me a survival show starring a homeless guy.
Who better to teach you about surviving in the elements than I guy who lives under a bridge like a troll.
I mean, yeah, He’s not exactly an expert on clean living.
Or money management.
But on surviving a harsh winter….outdoors…..with nothing but the worn out clothes on your back?
He’s the man.
We don’t have any homeless people here tonight, do we?
Boy I hope not.
If you’re homeless, and you are spending your panhandled money here ….instead of on whiskey and blankets,……you’re a failure as a homeless person.
Which is more ironic than sad.
It’s like being a NBA player without a rap sheet.
I care about the homeless though, cause this economy is tough, man.
Like everytime a see a homeless guy on the street, I’ll swerve.
Or at least slow down a little.
I saw a homeless guy down by Lucas Oil Stadium the other day.
He had a sign that said, “I ain’t gonna lie. We both know it’s for beer.”
That’s what I like to see.
An honest bum.
His future looks bright.
I felt compelled to be honest right back.
I said, “You smell like cheap wine and dead hooker, but I like your sign so here’s a quarter.”
Then I kicked him.
I had too.
I didn’t want all that honesty hurting his street cred with the other bums.
TAA-DAA!
Stay tuned.
But I might still use it someday, so no stealing.
Writing standup is A LOT different than writing blog posts. Not only are you constrained by time limits, but your style of writing is different. Things are geared towards verbal delivery, and with audience interaction/participation. Also, the time limits in standup basically cut out the rambling and steady buildup that blogging affords.
With all that in mind, I give you…..The Homeless Bit.
I love watching TV.
You guys love TV, right?
I love watching the Discovery Channel.
You ever watch those survival shows on the Discovery Channel?
You know: Man vs. Wild, Dual Survival, that kind of thing.
It’s always these so called “survival” experts talking about how important food and shelter are in surviving out in the elements.
Yeah. Whatever….Mr. Survival Expert…We all know you have the cavalry standing by in case there’s real trouble.
Seriously, give me a survival show starring a homeless guy.
Who better to teach you about surviving in the elements than I guy who lives under a bridge like a troll.
I mean, yeah, He’s not exactly an expert on clean living.
Or money management.
But on surviving a harsh winter….outdoors…..with nothing but the worn out clothes on your back?
He’s the man.
We don’t have any homeless people here tonight, do we?
Boy I hope not.
If you’re homeless, and you are spending your panhandled money here ….instead of on whiskey and blankets,……you’re a failure as a homeless person.
Which is more ironic than sad.
It’s like being a NBA player without a rap sheet.
I care about the homeless though, cause this economy is tough, man.
Like everytime a see a homeless guy on the street, I’ll swerve.
Or at least slow down a little.
I saw a homeless guy down by Lucas Oil Stadium the other day.
He had a sign that said, “I ain’t gonna lie. We both know it’s for beer.”
That’s what I like to see.
An honest bum.
His future looks bright.
I felt compelled to be honest right back.
I said, “You smell like cheap wine and dead hooker, but I like your sign so here’s a quarter.”
Then I kicked him.
I had too.
I didn’t want all that honesty hurting his street cred with the other bums.
TAA-DAA!
Stay tuned.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Mark Your Calendars!!!!
The Comedy Club replied back:
To: Ed
From:Brent
“Sorry Ed, I thought the link would have worked. The way our open mic works is your get 3 min your first time and 6 after that. You must bring 5 guests to the show in order to perform that night. I can give you 3 min on Sept 28th. Sound good?”
Hell YES, that sounds alright!
Now, I just need to write something funny.
I sent back a reply asking about video typing it for my blog. Stay tuned.
If you're in the area, it's Crackers Comedy Club, 6281 N College Ave.,
Indianapolis, IN 46220.
To: Ed
From:Brent
“Sorry Ed, I thought the link would have worked. The way our open mic works is your get 3 min your first time and 6 after that. You must bring 5 guests to the show in order to perform that night. I can give you 3 min on Sept 28th. Sound good?”
Hell YES, that sounds alright!
Now, I just need to write something funny.
I sent back a reply asking about video typing it for my blog. Stay tuned.
If you're in the area, it's Crackers Comedy Club, 6281 N College Ave.,
Indianapolis, IN 46220.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
The Comedy Club Is Run By A Bunch Of Comedians & I Am Making A Great First Impression At Work.
So, you might have noticed that I've been quiet around the blogosphere lately.
Well, I've been busy with real life stuff, but that's just an excuse.
Really, I have been storing up my funny and trying to write some kickass comedy for my standup routine.
I wanted my first time up to be AWESOMELY funny.
SO AWESOME, that they BEG me to come back every night! And even offer me free Diet Cokes.
So far, I have written an bunch of crap.
I blame that on my attempt to keep it clean for my saintly mother's ears.
BUT, I have also had quite the adventure getting my name on the open mic list.
Let me recap:
I decided on Cracker's Comedy Club. It's centrally located in the state and very popular.
So I called.
Comedy Club Phone Answer Girl: "Cracker's Broad Ripple!"
Me:"Yeah, Hi! I was wanting to get some information on Open Mic night."
Comedy Club Phone Answer Girl: "Okay. You have to e-mail Chris at (email address slightly different than address for club)."
Me:"Chris, you say? Okay, thanks."
So I sent the following on a Thursday:
To: Chris @ email address
Hi Chris,
My name is Ed Adams. I was told I needed to talk to you about open mic night at Crackers Broad Ripple. I wanted to get some info and possibly see about getting a slot. Any info you can provide would be great.
Thanks In Advance
Monday, I get this back:
To: Ed
From: Steve
Here is a link for our Facebook page. Click on the DISCUSSIONS tab and you'll see a section on FAQs.
Brent
After spending 5 mins looking at this email, trying to find the non-existent Facebook link, I finally just looked them up myself on Facebook. Found the Discussions tab. And........it was a blank page.
I sent this back:
To: Chris, or Steve, or Brent, or whoever
There was no link in your email to the Facebook page. I'm going to assume this was a joke. Haha. I managed to find the Facebook page on my own, and went to the DISCUSSIONS tab as you suggested. There was no FAQ section. Another joke? You guys are hilarious!
So here's what I wanted to know: How does open mic night work? Do I just put my name on the list in advance? Do you have to show up early the night of, like first come first served? Is it the standard 3 to 5 min slots? Is there any material/subjects/language that are offlimits, per the club?
Thanks
Ed
That was Tuesday of this week. So far, they haven't replied.
ALSO
I have a New Old Guy.
Except this guy isn't Old old. He's only 54. So he's like Young old. But he's older than me. And he's been at the VA for 32 years.
Anyway, he's a lot like my old Old Guy. By that, I mean he's cool.
Which is good, cause the other day, this happened:
New Young Old Guy Office Mate: *Cough, cough, gag, cough*
Me: "You alright, dude?"
NYOGOM: "Ahem.....yeah.....*cough*.....I just swallowed and it went in the wrong hole."
Me: "HA! That's what she said!"
NYOGOM: "What?"
Me: "I said, I had an ex-girlfriend like that once."
NYOGOM: *laughing, cough, cough, gag, cough*
Well, I've been busy with real life stuff, but that's just an excuse.
Really, I have been storing up my funny and trying to write some kickass comedy for my standup routine.
I wanted my first time up to be AWESOMELY funny.
SO AWESOME, that they BEG me to come back every night! And even offer me free Diet Cokes.
So far, I have written an bunch of crap.
I blame that on my attempt to keep it clean for my saintly mother's ears.
BUT, I have also had quite the adventure getting my name on the open mic list.
Let me recap:
I decided on Cracker's Comedy Club. It's centrally located in the state and very popular.
So I called.
Comedy Club Phone Answer Girl: "Cracker's Broad Ripple!"
Me:"Yeah, Hi! I was wanting to get some information on Open Mic night."
Comedy Club Phone Answer Girl: "Okay. You have to e-mail Chris at (email address slightly different than address for club)."
Me:"Chris, you say? Okay, thanks."
So I sent the following on a Thursday:
To: Chris @ email address
Hi Chris,
My name is Ed Adams. I was told I needed to talk to you about open mic night at Crackers Broad Ripple. I wanted to get some info and possibly see about getting a slot. Any info you can provide would be great.
Thanks In Advance
Monday, I get this back:
To: Ed
From: Steve
Here is a link for our Facebook page. Click on the DISCUSSIONS tab and you'll see a section on FAQs.
Brent
After spending 5 mins looking at this email, trying to find the non-existent Facebook link, I finally just looked them up myself on Facebook. Found the Discussions tab. And........it was a blank page.
I sent this back:
To: Chris, or Steve, or Brent, or whoever
There was no link in your email to the Facebook page. I'm going to assume this was a joke. Haha. I managed to find the Facebook page on my own, and went to the DISCUSSIONS tab as you suggested. There was no FAQ section. Another joke? You guys are hilarious!
So here's what I wanted to know: How does open mic night work? Do I just put my name on the list in advance? Do you have to show up early the night of, like first come first served? Is it the standard 3 to 5 min slots? Is there any material/subjects/language that are offlimits, per the club?
Thanks
Ed
That was Tuesday of this week. So far, they haven't replied.
ALSO
I have a New Old Guy.
Except this guy isn't Old old. He's only 54. So he's like Young old. But he's older than me. And he's been at the VA for 32 years.
Anyway, he's a lot like my old Old Guy. By that, I mean he's cool.
Which is good, cause the other day, this happened:
New Young Old Guy Office Mate: *Cough, cough, gag, cough*
Me: "You alright, dude?"
NYOGOM: "Ahem.....yeah.....*cough*.....I just swallowed and it went in the wrong hole."
Me: "HA! That's what she said!"
NYOGOM: "What?"
Me: "I said, I had an ex-girlfriend like that once."
NYOGOM: *laughing, cough, cough, gag, cough*
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