Wednesday Randomness....A.K.A. Don't Massage Squirrels On The Way To The Grocery Store When Flying A Grass Kite

First, I have to clear up a little misconception about yesterday’s post title. It was supposed to mean that those were all thoughts that ran through my head in a five second period. Some of you thought I meant that was how long it would take you to read it. I would never assume how smart someone is, like that. I know that not everyone’s brain works as quickly and efficiently as mine, and a few of you probably even rode the short bus to school. I hope this clears things up.

Driving home for lunch yesterday, I saw this big squirrel standing on the sidewalk of the bridge. He was thinking about crossing. I could tell. And he was looking right at my truck, trying to judge its speed and the timing he needed. I was saying, “Don’t do it dude!”, over and over, cause I know not to swerve, especially after seeing those Gieco commercials where they are high-fiving and stuff after they cause the wreck. Now, when I see it coming, I just mash on the gas, close my eyes, and hope for a clean kill the best. (It just occurred to me, that this may not be the safest practice.) He must have seen me close my eyes and speed up, because he waited for me to pass. When I looked back, I’m pretty sure he gave me the middle claw. Squirrels are such assholes.

I went to the grocery at lunch to pick up bananas and Sprite for the sick kiddos. Some old guy had a whole basket full of cans of green beans. He must have cleaned the store out. I was like, “Dang Old Dude, how much fiber you need?! You must really be backed up!” I wanted to ask if he was stocking his bomb shelter. But I figured, maybe he was Mayan and was planning ahead.

I had my first Deep Tissue Full Body Massage last week. Turns out, you’re not supposed to ask about the “happy ending”. Especially, if your mom works there. AND, if you have no money for a tip.

Ever try flying a kite when there’s no wind? I did last night. It very much looked like those little bulimic gymnasts that dance around in the Olympics with a ball or ribbon or hoop thingy. Basically, I was an idiot dancing around and waving my arms and a kite in the air, only to have it crash into the ground, my butt, the baby’s eye, the eleven year olds head, and the ground again. I still refused to blame it on the lack of wind, because that would have made everybody else right and I wrong (which is impossible), so I theorized that it was due to the kite being tailless. A little tail always makes me want to fly. *eyebrow waggle*

I mowed my grass for the first time this past weekend. I hate that first mow, because you know that just opens up a whole can of worms mowing seasons….that makes no sense, but you know what I meant. Anyway, I had to do something. Since we own a dog, which fertilizes all winter, the lawn was very patchy and uneven. After I lost the baby in a tall patch for the 4th time, I figured it was time to even it up. I did take the baby out first though, because my mower is still new and I don’t want to dull the blades. Plus, I like the kid.