They say knowing is half the battle. That happens to be the half I like most, mainly because I know everything. So no matter what the other half of the battle involves, I already have a 50/50 chance of WIN.
Ever seen somebody that you thought you knew, but you weren’t sure where from? And so you’re staring at them intently trying to figure it out. And then they catch you staring at them, but with this real intent look on your face, like you want to do them harm. And then you realize that they see you looking at them, so you try to pass it off with a smile or by looking away. But it’s too late, because now they are giving you the stinkeye. And that pisses you off, and you just want to punch them in the face. But instead, you turn away from the mirror. Mirrors are assholes, is my point.
So I have been losing weight at a Karen Carpenter pace lately. I figure, another midget worth or two, and I’ll go on a maintenance food plan. But right now, I’m still gearing towards another show down with that smartass WiiFit.
Sometimes, while mowing, I like to pretend my lawn is a giant Chia. Like an Earth Chia Pet. I need to be more creative though. Right now, when my neighbors ask why I left the one big strip down the middle, and if it’s because I ran out of gas, I tell them it’s just my lawn’s Mohawk. Or Lawnhawk.
20 comments:
You are one funny dude. Seriously.
I remember walking in a restaurant once and thinking, "Wow, that lady has on the same top that I do." Yep. It was a mirror. Duh.
Love the lawnhawk. Start a new trend.
Congrats on losing weight. I need some inspiration.
You should've said the strip on your lawn was a landing strip, like on a bikini wax. Because that would have been the right level of classy for a guy like you. Before you go thinking it, that was NOT an insult. :)
Aw yeah, gotta give you props for the Karen Carpenter reference. Keep out the young ones with outdated references, I always say. Damn kids and their hizzy mah nizzy lingo these days, you don't want them around here anyhow.
PS: Seriously though, nobody did anorexic like Karen. Love her and her bony little face.
I am never going to look at lawns the same way again.
I was grocery shopping, pushing my cart towards the meat dept. at the back, when I noticed an older woman coming towards me with her cart. She looked very familiar but I couldn't place her face. In my mind I'm thinking, "Who is that old lady? You are going to need to greet her."
I was looking at my image in the meat dept. mirrored windows. Went right home and made a hair appointment.
If I see myself in the mirror, I'm thinking about fondling those sweet ass D cups.
So yeah...
I love mirrors.
Michael Jackson sang about the man in mirror...I don't know that it ended well for him...just sayin. And that lawnhawk thing? Umm....maybe its just the Brazillian way of mowing....
Aaahhh....stream of consciousness is such a stress reliever, especially after a long day of staring at that fat ass bitch in the mirror and threatening her with bodily harm if she doesn't lay off the strawberry cream cheese bagels. Stupid bagels.
Cut grass?
Becasue I love the mirror, I can't wait until tomorrow...I get better looking everyday.
I'm considering throwing away all my mirrors now. I'm all creeped out.
You could mow your lawn like my mom's neighbor. The dude RUNS with the lawnmower. I don't know if he thinks he is in some sort of race or if the self-propel feature is too much for him to handle.
You should join forces with my wife, because she knows everything too. (According to her).
A mohawk for a lawn. Now there's a new concept.
I am glad to know that I am NOT the only one who knows everything. Sheesh! Thank goodness. That's an awesome responsibility.
As for your lawn? I think next time you should maybe add some like cool numbers on the side. Or maybe a lightning bolt or something.
It sounds like your chances of winning a battle are severely reduced when mirrors are involved.
Wii Fit is a bitch. Just saying.
Thanks for the Karen Carpenter reference.
Now I want ribs.
Omg how funny about the Karen Carpeter pace, I wish I was losing that fast!
Your Chai reference has also made me smile. Glad I stumbled upon this blog!
FourthGradeNothing.com
from mirrors to Karen Carpenter to Chia lawns...gotta love it...thx:)
Since all my boys have mohawks a lawnhawk would fit right in here.
But in order to try it I'll have to get my lazy ass husband to plant some freakin grass!!
Ditto on what Pat said, you are one funny dude. I've never mistaken my reflection for some other person. But everything else she said too. Pat, are you my virtual doppleganger?
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