Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Conversations With My Masseuse

Masseuse: “Wow! You’re really broken out across your stomach. Is that a rash?”
Me: “No”…*chuckling*… "It’s actually razor burn.”
Masseuse: “It wasn’t like that last time. Did you just shave? Cause you’re not a hairy person anyway.”
Me: *sheepishly* “Umm, yes. I did it for a couple reasons. After they shaved me for my hernia surgery in 2001, it came back like gorilla fur across my stomach. My kids have pointed out how funny my hairy belly looked. Plus, with me losing weight and toning up, I wanted to see if there were abs under the fur.”
Masseuse: “What are you using?”
Me: “Well, I remembered when I was in the Navy, I asked a stripper one time how she kept from getting razor burn and she said she used conditioner and a new disposable razor. So I tried that, but it didn’t work so great.”
Masseuse: “I’ll tell you what works best. There is this stuff called Coochie that is guaranteed not to cause razor burn. You can only get it at adult bookstores and novelty shops, but its good stuff. Try that with a NEW disposable razor. Make sure it’s new though.”
Me: “Sweet. Thanks. Umm, is there even one of those stores around here?”
Masseuse: “Yeah. There’s one over on Johnson St.” ……*giggling*…. “I never thought about it before, but how funny is it that there is a Dildo shop on JOHNSON ST!” *cracking up*
Me: “That’s hilarious. I’m stealing that.”

*later...talking about her hubs who is balding*

Masseuse: “Did I tell you he completely shaved his head?”
Me: “I think you did last time.”
Masseuse: “Well, he was out and got sunburned. When it peeled later, he looked like a Manatee that got hit by a boat propeller.”
Me: “Nice”
Masseuse: “Yeah. I told him to be careful.”
Me: “So, does he use Coochie to shave with?”
Masseuse: “No. He says ‘I ain’t putting that stuff on me’, cause he thinks it’s girlie.”
Me: “WHAT! You go home and tell him, if he wants to make you happy, he will put your coochie on his head.”
Masseuse: *laughing & turning red*

P.S. I am also supposed to tell everyone that over the relaxing music that plays during the massage, every once in awhile, when someone goes, you can hear their super-charged toilet flush very loudly. That thing must have a hemi.


Shieldmaiden96 said...

Coochy is sold by a company called 'Pure Romance' that actually has reps you can order stuff from, just like Avon. You don't have to go to a dirty bookstore to get it.

And yes, its absolutely worth it; its the best stuff there is.

They'll also come and do a 'show' in your house that is a LOT MORE FUN than Pampered Chef. Not that I would know.

Alison said...

The Coochie stuff is superb!!! The home patries are great fun and I do know....lol But dirty bookstores are a hoot too.

Jenny DB said...

those super charged (super aggressive toilets) scare the bajeezus outa mee.. also airplane toilets.

Dorn said...

I would have postponed my appointment until the razor burn disappeared. Then you wouldn't know about a dildo shop on Johnson Street nor about rubbing coochie on your belly. You are a braver man than I am and we are all better for it. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Oh, oh! Am I the first to ask you if you got a happy ending? Fabulous!

I've never heard of this Coochie stuff (I'm so innocent) but now I'm determined to track some down to uh..shave my pits with. Yep. Pits.

Lizzy said...

Now I have to go get some Coochie and try it...that is so wrong in so many ways

Maggie said...

I can't believe I've never heard of Coochy! I must find it now!

Coffeypot said...

A masseuse??? I didn't know you are gay. You look so normal. And the Coochie stuff…can you gargle with it? You know…

Tony said...

I wish there was a Johnson St. that had an adult store here. I could make so many jokes with that...

Great, funny stuff, Ed!

SLN said...

I am impressed that you were able to write an entire post where yo9u had to hit the shit key for bold and such as your dialogue expanded ... and so I keep seein your name over at a few of the sopts I visit soooooo I thought I'd stop by- and yea, blush away, I am following you now- stop by my place when you can- generally I would like to think of myself as pretty damn funny too, but tomoorws post is down right sucky cause I was in a real shitty mood when I posted it- but if you come by, read about asperagus pee- that might hit ya.

SLN said...

Ok it was supposed to say "shift" key- not "shit" key GEESH- mymyselfandaphrodite.blogspot.com

adrienzgirl said...

Soooo....you have been manscaping.

BDC and I go to get massages once a month. BDC is totally jealous cause my chic is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY hot. He says he is requesting her next time we go.

He doesn't shave his tummy hair though. That's just weird.

Pat said...

I love it! Dildos on Johnson St! The last time I walked into an adult store, I was with my girlfriend. The clerk automatically thought we were lesbians (we weren't) and said, "I have just the thing for you two!" And showed us the two headed dildo. I whispered to her, "Quit giving off those lesbian vibes!"

Tamara Dawn said...

Look at Ed getting hot and a massage! Hmmm I have missed out on so much. It's good to be home!

Thanks for the coochie tip! hehe

Anonymous said...

The Coochie Shave Cream IS the best. Really. I cant believe you dont have any! LOL


Moooooog35 said...


I can't remember the last time I had a Coochie on me.

Ducky said...

Abs under that fur....I'm thinking I might need to use that one. Maybe that's my problem...I need to yank the weed wacker out.


That's totally NOT what I meant. LMAO

That Coochie stuff rocks. I actually have some on the way. Great minds think alike (I'm talking about me and Jill....)

JennyMac said...

LOL..coochie? You waltz right into the toy store and ask for some coochie. haha.

We use tend skin. I mean other people, not me. LOL.

Travis said...

This whole entire post I was thinking, "I really should shave my junk."

Guess I know what to order to help. Can you masturbate with Coochie?

SurferWife said...

Gee Whiz, Mr. Ed. Does your wife know you are heading out to buy you some coochie?

How lovely for you.

Momma Fargo said...

Ha! No browsing in the isles while getting Coochie! LOL.

If you are too embarassed to get Coochie...try wax...not the kind for your car...you know.

Belly hair is just disturbing...

Miss Yvonne said...

I could never have a conversation like that with my masseuse. I'd be too busy worrying about her touching my back fat. Also, I'd probably have to get a masseuse. Oh you and your fancy massage-y lifestyle.

Meagan said...

Seems like she has a good sense of humor. You better tip her well!

Sharon said...

OK.. so I'm a slow learner. I've read about you over and over when I visit Travis, and I admit I didn't take the bait at first. But I've been to the mountain top, and I will be back :) Now... to google coochie... that shouldn't be too bad at all.. :)



Humor & Funny Blogs - BlogCatalog Blog Directory