Conversations With My Masseuse

Masseuse: “Wow! You’re really broken out across your stomach. Is that a rash?”
Me: “No”…*chuckling*… "It’s actually razor burn.”
Masseuse: “It wasn’t like that last time. Did you just shave? Cause you’re not a hairy person anyway.”
Me: *sheepishly* “Umm, yes. I did it for a couple reasons. After they shaved me for my hernia surgery in 2001, it came back like gorilla fur across my stomach. My kids have pointed out how funny my hairy belly looked. Plus, with me losing weight and toning up, I wanted to see if there were abs under the fur.”
Masseuse: “What are you using?”
Me: “Well, I remembered when I was in the Navy, I asked a stripper one time how she kept from getting razor burn and she said she used conditioner and a new disposable razor. So I tried that, but it didn’t work so great.”
Masseuse: “I’ll tell you what works best. There is this stuff called Coochie that is guaranteed not to cause razor burn. You can only get it at adult bookstores and novelty shops, but its good stuff. Try that with a NEW disposable razor. Make sure it’s new though.”
Me: “Sweet. Thanks. Umm, is there even one of those stores around here?”
Masseuse: “Yeah. There’s one over on Johnson St.” ……*giggling*…. “I never thought about it before, but how funny is it that there is a Dildo shop on JOHNSON ST!” *cracking up*
Me: “That’s hilarious. I’m stealing that.”


*later...talking about her hubs who is balding*

Masseuse: “Did I tell you he completely shaved his head?”
Me: “I think you did last time.”
Masseuse: “Well, he was out and got sunburned. When it peeled later, he looked like a Manatee that got hit by a boat propeller.”
Me: “Nice”
Masseuse: “Yeah. I told him to be careful.”
Me: “So, does he use Coochie to shave with?”
Masseuse: “No. He says ‘I ain’t putting that stuff on me’, cause he thinks it’s girlie.”
Me: “WHAT! You go home and tell him, if he wants to make you happy, he will put your coochie on his head.”
Masseuse: *laughing & turning red*


P.S. I am also supposed to tell everyone that over the relaxing music that plays during the massage, every once in awhile, when someone goes, you can hear their super-charged toilet flush very loudly. That thing must have a hemi.