Wii Fit is a Smartass......Just like my kid

The Wii Fit is a smartass.

I got on that thing the other night and here’s what happened:

WiiFit: “WHOA!”
Me: “Excuse me?”
WiiFit: “I said Whoa.”
Me: “That’s not very nice. And..did you…just….ANSWER me?”
WiiFit: “Looks like it’s been 361 days since your last visit.”
Me: “That’s probably about right. My wife has been using you, but I haven’t since about the first week we got you.”
WiiFit: “Don’t worry, I never forget a name. Are you ready….Liz? Hahaha, just kidding.”
Me: “……..”
WiiFit: “Stand still and try to relax your shoulders”
ME: “What? Wait…are we doing a prostate exam or are we going to exercise?”
WiiFit: “Looks like your weight is 206.5 lbs.”
Me: “Holy Sh….”
WiiFit: “This is an increase of 10 lbs since your last visit.”
Me: “No Sh….”
WiiFit: “Way back then, you set a goal to LOSE 15 lbs.”
Me: “I had completely forgotten abo…”
WiiFit: “You have clearly failed to reach your goal.”
Me: “……..”
WiiFit: “This time, try setting more achievable goals.”
Me: “Thanks for the tip, assh…..”
WiiFit: “Like gaining 15 lbs. Hahahahaha”
Me: “Listen smartass, I still have your receipt. Don’t make me tak…..”
WiiFit: “Now, we’ll look at your BMI.”
Me: “Didn’t Nintendo teach you it’s not polite to interrupt peo……”
WiiFit: “Last time your BMI was 32.18, which was obese.”
Me: “………”
WiiFit: “This time it’s…….it’s…..it’s….I’m sorry, my BMI chart doesn’t go that high.”
Me: “What the F…..”
WiiFit: “Basically, it’s the same as Crisco.”
Me: “…….”
WiiFit: “Select a new goal now, Tubby.”
Me: “What did you just call me? That’s IT! I’ll show you!”

*frantically pushing buttons until goal maker maxes out*

WiiFit: “Great. You have selected your goal as losing 22 lbs in 30 days. Fat chance.”
Me: “………”
WiiFit: “Even if miracles happened and you reached that impossible goal, your BMI would still be Obese.”
Me: *GASP*
WiiFit: “The good news is, at least then you would register on my BMI chart.”
Me: “…….”
WiiFit: “Maybe you should consult your doctor before beginning an exercise program.”
Me: “What the F…..”
WiiFit: “AND your mental health provider before setting goals for yourself.”
Me: “I hate you.”

I blame Nintendo.
Everybody knows the Japanese hate fat people.
Unless they are wearing diapers and pushing each other around a circle.


So it is day four of the new me, and my pants already fit better.
I love being a dude.
Not only because of the standing to pee thing, but belly fat is so much easier to lose than hippage.


I cut the boys hair last night.
As I’m running the clipper/trimmer thingy over his head, my five year old said this:

Sam: “Don’t cut off my eyebrows.”
Me: “What? Why would I do that?”
Sam: “Because they look like hair. But they are NOT!”
*10 year old starts laughing hysterically in the background*
Me: “They aren’t hair?”
Sam: “Nope”