Who you calling Ms. Muffet???!!!!!!!!!!?????

I know everybody posts something about bugs or spiders, but I haven't. Until now.
See, spiders and me don't get along. My wife would tell you I'm terrified of them (but she's a liar pants). I understand spiders serve a valuable service by eating other pesky bugs. However, when they enter my space, I am instantly overcome with a strong, STRONG, strong urge/desire to kill them. And when a say kill, I mean total "there's-noway-you're-gettin-me" deathtoyou. And when I say instantly, I mean regardless of my current situation. On several occasions, I have almost wrecked cars, golf carts, mopeds, magic carpets, you name it; all because of a spider. I'm not proud. It's sad. There is a complete disregard of personal and public safety when I'm stalking Arachnid. I'll use anything for the job. Sprays. Important papers. Babies. Whatever. I'm getting that spider.
I don't know where this comes from. It's like something comes over me. I get tunnel vision. All I see or care about is that spidey. It must die! Maybe it was all the times I used to see them hiding in the corners of my room or shower when I was a kid. Yeah, I now know they were Daddy Longlegs; but to an 8 year old, those were Tarantulas with rabies. Or maybe it was the time in Florida during Spring Break my sophomore year, when I watched a black widow drop down from the bunk above me and hover there on a single web line. Since I was at a camp, bunked in a room with 10 other guys who were all watching it too, I had to resist the urge to kill it/freakout/scream like a 4 year old girl for fear of loosing my "man card" before I even got it. It might also be from all the Brown Recluse bites I saw and treated in the Navy. *Vomit*
Regardless, it's best to not let me near your pet spider, less it become a gooey mess.
Most recently, I went out to my truck (ok, ok...it's a Honda Ridgeline, but still) after work. Got in and started heading home. It was hot, so I cracked the windows. My truck has those air deflector things over the windows. In my peripheral vision, I sense movement. Spidey sense takes over. Tunnel vision kicks in. Truck comes to complete stop. In middle of busy road. I turn to face advisory. It's nasty. It's up in the corner where the air deflector meets the window. I quickly roll up the window before it's able to leap/jump/wrap me in a food cocoon. I start driving again, oblivious to all the stopped traffic and honking horns. 50 mph. 60 mph. 70 mph. 80 mph. Stupid air deflectors. I take the corner to the house sideways. Pull into the yard. Throw open the door. Jump clear of the truck and ninja roll across the lawn. Run to the garage. Grab the spray. Head back to the truck. *spit,spit,sputter,spit* SLAPCHOP! Stupid spray! Empty when I need you most! I start to grab the hose, but I see it start to drop. Evidently enough spray stunned him. Slowly slides down window, drops down door, and lands in the grass. By this time, my wife has come to the door to laugh at me (compassionate person that she is).
That spider was alien. Even my wife agreed that it was not a native species. Huge whitish, yellowish, brownish, deadlyish thing. I'm sure it arrived on my truck door via meteor. We watched it limp across the yard for awhile in wonder. I debated on how to finish it off. My wife said something like, "Just step on it, you PANSY!" Hey now, you never know if its got some kind of egg sack on it's back and then you're carrying it on the bottom of your shoe. Next thing you know, you have an army of motherless alien arachnids all over your house and their pissed off and looking for revenge.
But I MAN-UP! SQUISHHHHH!