Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Wacky News Wednesday: I make fun of the dead and teachers love it.

This just in.

Harriet Richardson Ames fulfilled a lifelong dream by completing her bachelor's degree in education. She reached the milestone 3 weeks after her 100th birthday.

Someone should have told her she could have been a doctor by now. ( a la David Spade to Chris Farley in Blacksheep.)

Turns out this lady was a retired teacher.

Why had she been teaching all these years if she is just NOW getting her bachelor’s?

I think this says a lot about our public education system.

Evidently, when she became a teacher, you only had to have a 2 year degree.

Additionally, you had to own your own wooly mammoth for transportation.

No, but she did teach in a one-room school house.

She also served as principal, which she was probably over qualified for.

Mrs. Ames was given her diploma at her hospice bedside prior to her death on Saturday.

Now there was a lady with a plan of how to get out of paying back her student loans.

Boy is she in for a stark realization. I hear in heaven, just like on earth, not only are teaching jobs in short supply, but the pay sucks there too.

Plus, she’ll be required to obtain her Masters within five years of arriving.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Tuesday Quickie

Over Dinner Last Night:

10 yr old: “I bet not many people came to Adam or Eve’s birthday parties.”

Wife & ME: *laughing*

5 yr old: “Who’s Adam & Eve?”

Wife: “They were the first people God created.”

10yr old: “He made man out of mud, and woman out of glass. That way, if she was bad, he could smash her into pieces.”

Wife & ME: *laughing*

Wife: “That’s not true!”

ME: “He used one of Adam’s ribs.”

5 yr old: “So, he made Adam & Eve before he made Jesus?”

Wife: “Well,…kind of….”

Me: “Jesus always existed with God in Heaven, but came to Earth in man’s form later.”

5yr old: “I bet that before people, God & Jesus just sat around playing board games all the time.”

10 yr old: “Yeah, but it was probably like this”…*gets up and starts imitating the Old Man from the Pixar short who is playing Chess with himself in the park*….

Wife & ME: *laughing*

Wife: “Right…..because they are one in the same”

My kids.

I have no idea where they come up with this stuff.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Memoir Monday: The Time I Wish I Had Wonk Eye

Travis does this Monday Memoir thing. Tell a story from your past and blah, blah, blah, whatever.

I have wanted to tell these stories for while, every since I was inspired by This Post from Steamy Becky.

Make sure you read her hilariousness.

My stories are about a family that lived in the area where I grew up.

The members of this family were troll-like in stature.

Not midgets or dwarves. But kind of small and roundish, like little trolls that people put on their desks, minus the long neon hair.

Besides their trollish stature, they all seemed to suffer from the condition commonly known as “Wonk” eye.

I forget the medical name for this condition.

Maybe walleye or slow eye or Marty Feldman eye.

Regardless, they had strange eyes, which their GINORMOUS corrective lens attempted to help with, but the success of which was doubtful.

I’m talking double Coke bottle thick.

Like, NASA probably asked to borrow them when designing the prototype for the Huble Space Telescope.

Probably the saddest/strangest/unjustiest thing was that both parents were employed as local Rent-A-Cops.

Yes, these were the people sent to direct traffic after the Football or Basketball games let out.

This only invariably caused more traffic jams, as NO ONE could tell who they were telling to stop and who they were telling to go.

When one eye is looking one way, and the other is looking somewhere else, and they are finger pointing another direction entirely, while yelling, “I’m talking to YOU! GO!”; well, you can see (hahahaha) the confusion.

Usually, people just got pissed and ignored them and went anyway.

However, this only caused more arm raising and yelling and more misdirected pointing by them, like they were angrily standing under a bridge that you wanted to cross.


Their daughter was in my class. Now, in her defense, she was always very sweet and nice to me.

In a trollish, wonkeye, heavy lisp-ish kind of way.

Unfortunately, the good Lord saw fit to bless this young women from a very early age with the BIGGEST bazooms any of us had seen in our young lives.

Poor thing was taller when she laid down then when she stood up.

Back to my story,

So there we were in 9th grade geography class, learning about foreign capitals or something useless.

I was sitting in the second row, while this girl was in the back row.

It was a particularly high point in the class, by which I mean I was still awake.

It also happened to be quite warm that day.

In my attempts to stay alert, I was casually looking around the classroom, when I just happened to glance back towards the back only to catch this:

The girl had decided that THIS was the opportune time and place to raise her breasts, which were straining against the tablecloth passing for a halter top , with one arm only to WIPE THE SWEAT from underneath them with the other arm.

I was pretty sure I was going to vomit after that.

This experience probably also explains why I don’t consider myself a “Boob Man” to this day.

An Update, A Rant, A Cheer, and Pimpin' for Lily

A quick update:

My second Stickman is coming along nicely.

It’s a time consuming process. The last Stickman toon had 65 frames.

That’s SIXTY-FIVE individual MS Paint drawings!

This one already has that many and it’s only a quarter of the way done.

The good news is I think I discovered what killed Walt Disney. It was either tediousness or eraser burns.

During my prolonged absence, my follower count has done this….


The possible reasons for this are:

1. My blog has a revolving door just like Paris Hilton’s nether regions.

2. When it comes to following me, some people are more indecisive than Bret Favre mulling retirement.

3. Somebody just now noticed that they didn’t make my List of 13, and got all PMSy.

4. Some people had the unfortunate luck of window shopping my blog while the store was closed.

5. Essentially, I have only lost a total of one follower, so who really cares what the reason is.

6. One of my followers was visiting some friends in Haiti prior to the quake, and now they are trapped under a building but amazingly still have internet access so they are able to unfollow me because now they're just bitter.

As my five year old says, “They’re going to the Super Goal!”

As an aside: This is what happens when you let your child play soccer instead of forcing them to play football.
I’ll try and do a Monday Memoir post later, even though Travis totally dissed me and my Tarheels on Lily’s blog.

By the way, if you don’t follow Lily, or haven’t read her stuff, you totally should. She is super funny. In fact, she is just outside my Top 13, like maybe 14 or 15 somewhere. And that’s only because she occasionally posts some serious bidniz, or really purty writin stuff. And I’m all about the funnies. I read the purty stuff, but it makes me feel all emotiony and womany. Feel like I’m getting my own cycle.

Check her out though.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Thursday, January 14, 2010

I do some Math, List the Funnies, Then Alienate People

Wax in your ear = Normal
Wax in your mouth = Not Normal
(Wax in your ear + finger tip) + Wax in your mouth = Disgusting (or a light snack?)

Jug of V8 Fusion + $4.39 = Normal
Jug of V8 Fusion + $1.99 = Seemingly Sweet Deal
Noticing V8 Fusion expired 3 months ago = $1.99 is a ripoff
Noticing Expiration Date after consuming ¾ of the bottle = Bad timing

Offering to give a co-worker a ride home after their car broke down = Good Christian Deed
Giving same co-worker a ride to their doctor’s appt the next day = Cont. Good Christian Deed
Realizing that I am now co-worker’s Personal Taxi service until car is fixed = God’s punishment for my blog?

Trying to craft an entire blog post out of made up Math equations = Seemingly Cool Idea
Realizing you only had enough material for the first two equations = Need to spend more time thinking
Also realizing you hate the subject of Math = Should have done a Science or Geography post
Current Post = Fail (which is exactly the same grade as in Math)


Everybody does lists. So here is mine.

Five Funniest Shows on Television (right now):

1. Better off Ted
2. Big Bang Theory
3. Modern Family
4. 30 Rock*
5. The Office*

*I only occasionally watch these, but they make me laugh when I do.*

Of course, there are lots of good shows on, and my viewing habits have changed over time. For instance, a couple years ago, I would have put Scrubs on that list. Now, not so much.

Non-consistently funny other shows I like:

1. Chuck
2. Heroes
3. Castle
4. Lost
5. Flash Forward
6. Dexter
7. Dollhouse
8. Lie To Me
9. Leverage
10. Anything on History/Discovery/TLC/Animal Planet…….(i.e. Dirty Jobs, Man vs. Wild, Ax Men, Myth Busters, Monster Quest, Deadliest Catch, etc..)

And because I like to alienate followers,

Bloggers I read that are CONSISTENTLY funny (rarely any serious stuff):

In no particular order (*wink,wink*):

2. Steamy @ Steam Me Up Kid
3. Miss Yvonne @ Yo Mama’s Blog
4. Allie @ Hyperbole & A Half
5. Mooooog35 @ Mental Poo
6. Narm @ White Collar Redneck
7. Veggie @ The Vegetable Assassin
8. Travis @ I Like To Fish
9. Daffy @ Bat Crap Crazy
10. Vic @ What Were You Thinking
12. Jillian @ The Pilgrim Congress

I could go on, but thirteen seems like a lucky place to stop.

There are lots of great bloggers out there, most of which I read.

But let’s face it, not everybody is as funny as they like to think they are.

And some people are occasionally really funny, but they also write some serious stuff.

Or really, really, really long posts that hurt my tiny brain.

The list of 13 blogs above, I guarantee will make you laugh on a consistent basis, or my names not Harry S. Crotom.

Now, please do me a favor.

After you visit each of the people above, make sure you come back here and leave a comment thanking me.

Plus, my friends don’t believe Special Ed people can leave comments, so leave one and show them how wrong they are.
P.S. Still working on my cartoon. Hopefully tomorrow or this weekend, it will be up.

P.P.S. I plan to feature some of the other blogs that I read that are also good. This is just a plan. It may never happen since I hate when other people do that, plus I’m lazy.

Monday, January 11, 2010

I say mean stuff, people laugh, then I pray for forgiveness.

I was asked to Guest Post over at Chicken Nuggets Of Wisdom, run by the beautiful <----(*shameless ass kissing*) Laura "DiPaola Momma" (or as I like to call her, Bitch NUGGS).

She's turning her "mommy" blog over to the MEN for the month of January, to honor us for our AWESOMENESS that comes with having penises.....err...penisses...err....penii......We have our junk on the outside.

She's calling it MAN-uary, which sounds a little gay, but so far no chippendale's pictures have been posted, so we're still straight.

Anyway, she has a bunch of semi-famous/wannabe famous/usedtobe famous/famous inourownminds guest posters over there this month, so make sure you check them out.

Especially if you're a dude. Or, if you like dudes. But only if you're a chic and like dudes.

I was asked because..........I'm still not sure why. I think it's because me and Laura were both in the Navy at one point, and she likes semen seamen.

Anyway, check it out.

Also, make sure that if you're reading this in Google Reader, you come by and check out my new holiday decorations.

Also Also, I am currently working on a new cartoon and hope to have it up later this week.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

The Old Guy Office Mate Interview World Premiere!!!

You've been begging for it.......And NOW the wait is over!

But first, I want to thank everyone for all the questions you submitted.

Due to time constraints, we didn't use all of them. Old Guy picked the ones he wanted to answer.

Please pay no attention to my winter weight. Lord knows I don't.

Evidently, I think I'm a bear and therefore need to pack on extra insulation for the long winter.

Please DO notice the Colts decor of our office. It's everywhere cause they are AWESOME!

Also, towards the end of the video, you'll notice that I am continuing in my efforts to promote the "Bed-Head" fashion craze.

Without further ado:


Wednesday, January 6, 2010

I need your questions for OGOM

Here's your chance to ask the man who knows the man.

Submit questions ASAP for my interview with Old Guy Office Mate.

I plan to film it this afternoon, and post it online tonight.

He's all geared up to do it, and has even been practicing his Cary Grant voice.

However, he wants me to have actual questions to ask him, and the only thing I came up with was "How awesome is it to work with me?"

I won't give away his answer, but it was something about the stars and the moon and retirement not coming quick enough.

Don't delay.

**UPDATE** The interview won't be until tomorrow. OGOM decided he was taking the afternoon off to go play.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

I ask a bunch of retorical questions and then save the world

Why is it:

Considered RUDE to say, “Bite me!” ; but when you try to make it polite and start it with, “Please”, it totally changes the meaning?

Why is it:

That when someone smacks their kid, it’s considered discipline; but when YOU smack their kid, it’s not regarded as being helpful, and occasionally seen as assault?

It takes a village, is all I’m saying.

Why is it:

That after 2 days, my attempts to start the “Bed-Head” fashion tread have yet to be fruitful?

Watch your backs Vidal Sassoon and Mullet-man.


Is it just me:

Or has Facebook become the social network whore?

People just pop on quickly to update their status, or harvest crops, or perform a mafia hit, and then they’re out.

They don’t take the time to read other peoples posts. They don’t accept friend requests. They don’t accept gifts. They don’t want to meet up for sex. They don’t view your Christmas pictures. They don’t want to chat in Facebook IM. They don’t care what your new baby looks like. They don’t want to know how your life is going. They just want you to know about them and who they're dating and what parties they just went too. They just do their business and leave.

Facebook should put a tip jar on the log in screen.

*I'm guilty of all of these*
**Except the meeting for sex thing. I would totally do that, if my wife would actually respond to my IM's**
***hint,hint, Wifey***

I found this quote interesting regarding the opening of Dubai’s new half mile high skyscraper:

Greg Sang, Emaar's director of projects, said the Burj Khalifa has "refuge floors" at 25 to 30 story intervals that are more fire resistant and have separate air supplies in case of emergency. Its reinforced concrete structure, he said, makes it stronger than steel-frame skyscrapers.

"A plane won't be able to slice through the Burj like it did through the steel columns of the World Trade Center," he said.

Dubai has not been a target of terrorist attacks or threats that have been made public.

Hmmmmmmm…….planes, NO……but what about cruise missles? <---------Ha! That’s plural!


I have a couple things in the works.

I have a super secret and hopefully awesome guest post coming up soon. I’ll let you know more details as they develop.

Due to popular demand, I am also working on doing a vlog type interview with Old Guy Office Mate.

And, I’m thinking of doing a weekly cartoon, which I might be trying out in the coming days. It should be in a style similar to the commercial I did for Lee.

I want to welcome all the new followers I’ve picked up recently. Just like the fleas on my dog, you keep multiplying and biting her ass.

I’ll try and get around to each of your blogs, but if I miss you, make sure you let me know, as I’m hard of seeing.

Also, check out my New Years Decorations before they're gone. It won't be long now, just like Miley Cyrus’s innocence. <---(Who turns 18 this year. Also, her last song referenced Britney Spears, of the "3" song fame. It's like she's saying, "Bye-Bye Disney, Hello Playboy". Well, almost.)

I plan to change things up each Holiday, but probably won’t because I’m lazy, and suffer from ADHD (Apathetic Douche Handsome Devil).

Monday, January 4, 2010

Don't bother me while I'm freestylin'

So, I came home at lunch today and the wife said, "Have you looked like that all day?"

Thinking that once again, she was awestruck by my awesome handsomeliness, I eloquently said, "Yea!", while doing eye brow waggles and pelvic thrusts in my mind.

She said, "You know you have bed head in the back, right?"

To which I made a couple of lame attempt to evenly smash down my hair in the back.

Then I geniusly inquired, "That get it?"

She lovingly said, "Not even close. You might want to take care of that before you go back to work."

Then I closed the door and left.

I figure, just like the bed thing, why fix it if I'm going to be right back in it in a couple hours.


All Christmas break, I was silently punching myself in the face because I didn't come up with using garbage bag twist ties for anything other than occasional bread loaf re-closure, when all along I could have been strapping toys inside their packages tighter than my middle school girlfriend's thighs and having toy companies pay me Bill Gates money.

After opening a few toys, which took till New Years Eve, I realized that the twist tie market had obviously been monopolized by the makers of Prozac and Zoloft as a subversive marketing ploy.


**The post title means nothing. Jokes on you sucka.**


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