Thursday, July 22, 2010

TMI Thursday (NOT REALLY): Why I Could Never Be A Squirrel

I could never be a squirrel.

I realize this post might open me up to all kinds of lewd comments, because you guys are pervs.

That’s partly why I love you so much.

That and the whole sending me cash thing you do. *hint,hint*

But seriously, I couldn’t be a squirrel.

Not because of the furry tail and crazy behavior.

Or because of their inability to look both ways before crossing the street.

It’s because of the nuts.

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE nuts. (pervs)

They just don’t love me.

But I don’t care, because I am addicted.

I can’t stop eating nuts. (Not in the crack whore way, either. Or the way that Veggie does. Same difference.)

Seriously, whether its almonds, cashews, peanuts, pecans, walnuts, pissasschios, whatever…doesn’t matter.

I can’t get enough of their nutty goodness.

I’ll have them in my ice cream, candy bars, in plain or mixed fashion, in my peanut butter, even floating in a coke on rare occasion (it’s a southern thing learned from my hillbilly parents.)

They are fairly healthy for you, too. As long as they haven’t been cooked in gobs of fatty oils or covered in high carb sugars.

My issue is stopping.

I can sit done with a bag of nuts (not the same as the bag of nuts I always sit down with), and polish off the whole bag. Or can. Or jar.

THEN…

Intestinal death occurs for the next 24 hrs.

Like if I had eaten an entire wheelbarrow full of sharp gravel.

I'm pretty sure nuts are racist against my digestion tract.

The pain. The cramping. And don’t even get me started on the exiting.

Afterwards, my poor bunghole probably resembles Moooog’s after his last prison stint.

And yet…

I still can’t say no.

Just like Mooooog...(ZING)

18 comments:

Hillbilly Duhn said...

I could imagine the pain of eating your own nuts.... Your just gross.

I don't think I've ever loved something that much that I would eat it anyway knowing that my ass would explode and it would give me those symptoms. I would give it up. Forever. But, I'm a wuss like that. Or maybe I just don't like the whole assplosion thing. Shitting once a day for me is enough. And it has to be regular or I freak out about it and think somethings wrong with me...

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Or just like your mom.

Heather said...

I like nuts too! But I only put them in my mouth mom! Bam! I win. Now what do I get?

You gotta be careful with nuts Ed, even if they aren't salty they can still hurt.

I love you for this post. I could go on all day.

MJenks said...

I thought you were going to talk about how squirrels nuts' are disproportionately large compared to their bodies. And how you wouldn't want to walk around with the Balzac equivalent to an ottoman swinging between your thighs on a daily basis.

Because, believe me, that shit's tiring.

Moooooog35 said...

It's like you're in love with me.

Woof said...

Yeah. I like nuts too. I'm always buying these bags of nuts from the store on the first floor of our building. One day I was sitting at my desk eating from my bag of nuts when in walked one of my law partners. "Hi," he said. "Hi," I said, point to my bag. "Wanna touch my nut sack?" He did not laugh. That's all. Carry on with your nut-eating.

ScoMan said...

I think squirrels intestinal tracks would have to be safeguarded against this.

If not, then that's a cruel, cruel joke god play when he made squirrels.

Sara said...

I dig a handful of almonds every now and again, but I draw the line at nuts in my baked goods.

I'm a brownie purist and will become straight up hateful if I bite into a giant chunk of legume whilst naively thinking I'm about to enjoy fudgy goodness.

I am sorry to hear about your bunghole, though.

adrienzgirl said...

Um....not sure I even know what to say.

You know, other than I agree with Moog. You must have a midget man crush on him or something!

ZING! Damn, it's just so easy to pick on him!

Oh, and just say no dude!

Coffeypot said...

I love eating nuts. But I really enjoy Brazil Nuts. However, after a few of them I have to put on a seat belt when I go to the toilet or be blown into the wall and fall onto the floor.

Daffy said...

your cash is in the mail

and don't you dare touch my nuts, bitch

aladdinsane12 said...

i don't think i've ever eaten enough nuts to experience the horror that is a wheelbarrow of gravel exiting your body...but i sure can try! sounds fun!

The Demigoddess said...

The only time I eat nuts is when I am drinking (especially beer), which is almost every night, which means I probably love nuts as much as you do. I don't get assplosions because I stick a finger down my throat and vomit all of it.

carissajaded said...

I am also addicted to nuts.. like big time. I ate almost a whole jar of peanuts in two days. Granted thats basically all I ate but when it came out? Never mind. Lets just say my digestive tract doesn't like nuts either!

Kimi said...

Never have understood the floating in Coke thing, but I'm a Western girl...and we just don't roll like that.

Mo 'Betta said...

Dude. This post made me think all kinds of naughty thoughts, but seriously....you may have a nut allergy. They can develop at any time. Peanuts being the most common culprit. You could try cutting all peanuts out and see if it still happens. Unless, you know, you're enjoying the whole assplosion thing. And peanuts/Coke - def. a Southern thang. And very popular when Laverne & Shirley was on TV...anybody remember THAT show?!

SurferWife said...

WTF is wrong with you? Nuts are disgusting particularly in food and I barfed a little when I thought of it IN MY COKE.

You're a weird bird, shitleg.

Erin said...

nuts in coke is a Southern thing for sure. my dad loves peanuts in his coke...

i love nuts too, but i err on the side of caution. a-hem. otherwise, I'll toot up a storm.

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