Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Weird News Wednesday--Read It Here First!

Bear-safety lecture in Yellowstone interrupted by bear
(Reuters) Just two days after a rare fatal mauling by a mother grizzly in Yellowstone National Park, a black bear interrupted the taping of a television news segment on bear safety. The odd close encounter on Friday featured a group of kayakers assisting a hiker in her effort to avoid the bear, and was captured on video by a visiting cable news crew.

Irony of the Day?

Rhinoceros head stolen from French museum
(AFP) Thieves stole a rhinoceros head from a museum in France, the latest in a string of raids thought to be fuelled by an international trade, police and museum sources said on Monday. Staff at the natural history museum in Blois, 160 kilometres (100 miles) southwest of Paris, discovered the exhibit was missing on Saturday morning following a break-in. The head, weighing about 100 kilogrammes (220 pounds) and dating back to the 19th century, had been dragged along the floor. Rhinoceros horn is prized in China where it is said to have aphrodisiac properties.

'Head'...'Horn'....'Aphrodisiac'....There's a dick joke in there somewhere, I just know it.

Lawsuit: Chase Bank declared Fla. woman dead
 (AP)  A central Florida woman says she's having numerous financial troubles because of a bank error that caused Chase Bank USA to declare her dead last November. Wrenella Pierre has filed a lawsuit and Chase officials said Monday they're investigating how the mistake happened. When Pierre and her husband built their home in 2007, they got two mortgages through Chase. According to the lawsuit, the bank notified credit-reporting agencies last year that Pierre had died. They sent a letter of condolence to the family (Hahaha), saying someone from the bank would be in touch about the mortgage. Pierre says she notified bank officials that she was alive and also went to a local branch to correct the mistake. A month later, the lawsuit alleges, credit agencies still reported her dead.

They SENT her a condolence card? HA! That was considerate of them.
"Sorry you're dead. Hope you get alive soon."

Cops: Woman complains of lack of love song, is hit
 (AP)  Authorities say that when a Pennsylvania woman complained that her songwriter boyfriend had never written a song about her, he choked her and hit her in the face. Ambridge police say 29-year-old Jason Banks attacked his girlfriend June 30 after she complained and pointed out he had written songs about other women. The Beaver County Times (Hahahaha) reports that Banks has been charged with simple assault.

That's what she gets for being critical. Who she think she is? Simon Cowell? 

Gotta pull out da pimp hand every once in awhile. Keep bitches in check, yo!

'Gilligan's Island' creator Sherwood Schwartz dies
 (AP) The man who created "Gilligan's Island" and "The Brady Bunch" has died. Great niece Robin Randall says Sherwood Schwartz died at 4 a.m. Tuesday. He was 94. Schwartz was a veteran comedy writer when he created two of TV's best-remembered sitcoms in the 1960s. Over the years, they have inspired parodies, spinoffs and countless stand-up comedy jokes. "Gilligan's Island" featured a hummable theme song telling how a boatload of seven characters, including a professor and a movie star, wound up stranded on an island.

Bet THAT is more than a 3 hour tour.

No Small Fries: Restaurant Bans Kids Under Six Years Old
(TIME) One Pennsylvania restaurateur has pulled the car over and told the kids to just get out. A local ABC affiliate reported that Mike Vuick, owner of McDain's in Monroeville, Pa., sent this email to his customers letting them know that kidlets would soon be non grata:

"Beginning July 16, 2011, McDain's Restaurant will no longer admit children under six years of age. We feel that McDain's is not a place for young children. Their volume can't be controlled and many, many times, they have disturbed other customers."

Before we get too worked up, this is a fancy-shmancy place next to a golf course. But I think we can all agree, this is age discrimination at it's littlest form.

Whoa, baby! Texas mom delivers 16-pound newborn
 (AP) A Texas mom expected a big baby, but nothing like this: 16 pounds, 1 ounce (7.3 kilograms). Janet Johnson on Monday remained in an East Texas hospital after giving birth to what her doctors called one of the biggest newborns they've ever seen. She was awaiting word on whether her son, JaMichael Brown, ranked among the biggest births in state history. "Everybody was amazed that he was so big," Johnson, 39, said. "I don't think too many people have heard of having a 16-pound baby."

No word yet on what she plans to do with her ENORMOUSLY stretched out vagina.

Her newborn son had this to say, "DUDE! That thing was comfy. But my cell reception was shit, so I split."

Then he walked away.

6 comments:

BeckEye said...

I wish my credit card companies would mistakenly think I'm dead.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Where is this restaurant now? I'm thinking of making reservations there FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! Ha! Seriously, small kids and public eateries do not mix unless it's Chuck E. Cheese or McDonald's. There, I have spoken.

Coffeypot said...

With a cunt stretched like that, all she will be able to do is deep-knee bends over fire-hydrants. Think about it. At the last crucial moment, turn the water on. WOW!

Jewels said...

No lie...I was okay with everything until that last one...then my vagina seized up and I crossed my legs. I'm currently trying to calm it down with promises that I never, never, never want to have children...it doesn't trust me. Thanks a lot!

EarthGirlsRFunny said...

I'm with Beckeye. Wished all of 'em thought I was dead. But by sending cards out, I wonder if they would still call for their money. Heathens!

I now can't stop grimacing over the vajaja thingy. It hurts me just to write this. I wonder if she could stretch that over her head like that one tribe does with their lower lip. Sorry. My thoughts are just all over the place...kind of like that vagina.

Joshua said...

I'm with BeckEye.

Also, "Hope you get alive soon" was amazing.

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