Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Weird News Wednesday: Casey Anthony Did NOT Make The List. Supposedly.

Several people have asked me if I am making up the ‘Weird News Wednesday’ stories.
NO!
I just read and report.
Usually, I summarize the story and add a little of my funny at the end.
Last week, I started including the actual headlines. STILL, people thought I made these up.
I wish I was that funny. Sadly, people in the news ARE just stupid and weird shit DOES happen.
Today, I included the opening of each news story (including the news source) as further proof of its validity.
MY comments are in blue.
NY motorcyclist dies on ride protesting helmet law
ONONDAGA, N.Y. (AP) — Police say a motorcyclist participating in a protest ride against helmet laws in upstate New York died after he flipped over the bike's handlebars and hit his head on the pavement.

Irony of The Day?

School found using bomb as bell
KAMPALA (Reuters) - A mine awareness team in Uganda was horrified to find an unexploded bomb being used as a bell when they visited a school to teach children how to spot bombs, a local newspaper reported.

Instead of detention, troublemakers are forced to ring the ‘bell’.

Jail inmate: Lack of porn violates US Constitution
MOUNT CLEMENS, Mich. (AP) — A Michigan jail inmate says he's being subjected to cruel and unusual punishment because he can't have pornography.

You don’t have to be an inmate to know that lack of porn is just wrong!

Oh wait, you mean jail is supposed to be fun? Our bad.

Finger Length Linked to Penis Size
(LiveScience)Men: Hold up your right hand. Are your index and ring fingers close to the same size? Congratulations, you're more likely than men with mismatched digits to have a long penis.

Well, duh!

**said while casually holding up his ENORMOUS and EVENLY-SIZED ring and index fingers**

Mexican man tries to escape prison in suitcase
CHETUMAL, Mexico (AP) — Police say a woman was caught trying to sneak her common-law-husband out of a Mexican prison in a suitcase following a conjugal visit.

Must have been good enough that she wanted a little ‘Take Home Baggy’.

Seriously though, is it any wonder they’re able to sneak across the border?

I buried my mother 15 years ago... but now she's turned up ALIVE
(The Daily Mail)-A woman who thought she had buried her mother 15 years ago got a shock when the old woman turned up alive and in Florida. Grace Kivisto, 56, from Knox County, Illinois, had been told human remains found in a local brickyard in 1996 belonged to her mother, who disappeared over 40 years ago. But investigators using DNA analysis last week told her family the remains were not those of their missing relative. Then, yesterday, detectives told Mrs Kivisto her missing mother had been found, alive and well, in Jacksonville, Florida.

Oops!

You know what I think? ZOMBIES! Everybody knows Zombie/you-DNA never matches Alive/you-DNA.

Wide Faces Predict Unethical Behavior
(LiveScience)A man's face might hint whether he is bad to the bone, with scientists finding that wider faces might predict unethical behavior in men. Wide faces in men have been linked with aggression and perceptions of untrustworthiness. Now researchers have discovered that broad-faced men appear more likely to deceive their counterparts in negotiations and are more willing to cheat in order to increase their financial gain.

This is considered news?

**He asked with is handsomely narrow face**

Who wants to live forever? Scientist sees aging cured
LONDON (Reuters) - If Aubrey de Grey's predictions are right, the first person who will live to see their 150th birthday has already been born. And the first person to live for 1,000 years could be less than 20 years younger. A biomedical gerontologist and chief scientist of a foundation dedicated to longevity research, de Grey reckons that within his own lifetime doctors could have all the tools they need to "cure" aging -- banishing diseases that come with it and extending life indefinitely.

Great. Only 600 more years until retirement!

Teen faces prison after sex doll prank goes awry
INDIANAPOLIS (AP) — When 18-year-old Tyell Morton put a blow-up sex doll in a bathroom stall on the last day of school, he didn't expect school officials to call a bomb squad or that he'd be facing up to eight years in prison and a possible felony record.
A janitor at Rushville Consolidated High School saw Morton run away from the school May 31, and security footage showed a person in a hooded sweatshirt and gloves entering the school with a package and leaving five minutes later without it, according to court documents.
Administrators feared explosives, so they locked down the school and called police. K9 dogs and a bomb squad searched the building before finding the sex doll.
"We have reviewed this situation numerous times," Rush County Schools Superintendent John E. Williams told the newspaper last week. "When you have an unknown intruder in the building, delivering an unknown package, we come up with the same conclusion. ... We cannot be too cautious, in this day and age."
Morton was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct, a misdemeanor, and institutional criminal mischief, a felony that carries the potential of two to eight years in prison.

From my own state, nonetheless.

Geez, can’t anyone take a “My Sex Doll Needs to Take a Dump” joke around here?


UPDATE: I snapped this pic on the way into work this morning:

10 comments:

Joshua said...

I would like to volunteer for curing aging please. Thank you.

Mrs. Pickle said...

People ask me all the time if my stuff is made up also. I just stop responding to their questions because it became irritating. I love your stuff, and I hope you keep posting! You make me laugh :)

Tamara Dawn said...

Hmmmm my hubs has a wide face...and even pointer and index fingers...lol

The Office Scribe said...

Great now I will be checking out all the finger lengths of the guys I work with. Just one more reason my HR file is as thick as a phone book.

Coffeypot said...

You make these up don't you?

WhisperingWriter said...

I remember seeing that porn story on the news.

Not the PORN, mind you, but the prisoner spouting on that looking at porn was his right or something.

EarthGirlsRFunny said...

If prisoners want to look at porn, they can strip naked and entertain each other.

What does a long face imply? Length or depression?

Oh wait...I got the finger face deal all screwed up. I think a man made that shit up. Similar to the news here? Just kidding.

Thanks for making me laugh!

GraysonZippell said...

DUDE! I am HUGE!

Just sayin'.

Kernut the Blond said...

Huh. I've always been attracted to wide-faced men. Seriously. This explains A LOT about my dating success.

Thanks for visiting my wild and crazy blog!

The Blue Zoo said...

I read that one about the missing mom. Kinda crazy!

BlogCatalog

Humor & Funny Blogs - BlogCatalog Blog Directory