Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Wacky News Wednesday: Boobies & Rings

Russian scientists expect to meet aliens by 2031
Ha! NOT with THEIR space program.
Woman sprays police with breast milk
Some lady in Ohio got mad at police during a traffic stop. When they tried to remove her from the vehicle, she announced that she was a nursing mother, exposed her breasts, and squirted milk at one of the officers.
She was arrested for carrying WML’s.
Weapons of Mass Lactation.
Scantily dressed visitors must cover up to see Rikers inmates
No skimpy outfits for visitors to Rikers Island.
Scantily clad visitors are required to put on a drab XXL T-shirt before being admitted as visitors.
Turns out it was making the prison bitches jealous.
Botox and texting may not mix
Some 15 year old girl got Botox in her HANDS because she had sweaty palms. The sweat was interfering with her texting ability.
The botox blocked the nerve signals to the sweat glands in her hands.
It also blocked the nerve signals to her texting fingers.
She couldn’t text for 6 weeks.
Irony.

North Korea blame loss to U.S. on players getting struck by lightning

Not surprising. They ARE the land of excuses and tiny dictators.
Wrongly pronounced dead woman dies of shock at own funeral
Some lady in Russia was pronounced dead from a heart attack, only to wake up in a coffin surrounded by mourners at her funeral.
She freaked out, had another heart attack, and died.
Her husband said, “This time, she’s dead for good.” He sounds so distraught.
If death don’t kill you, the funeral will.
Ring turns up 51 years after was flushed down toilet
This was actually a cute story.
From South Carolina, a guy who graduated in 1962 was reunited with his class ring.
He had given it to his girlfriend at the time, who accidentally dropped it in her toilet mid-flush.
She panicked and had her dad call a plumber, who removed the toilet and snaked the drain, only to pronounce the ring a “goner”.
Recently, a city worker fixing a busted storm drain found the ring, took it to a jeweler, got the ring cleaned, and tracked down the old dude it belonged to.
The best part?
The old guy gave the ring back to the girl who had flushed it.
She’s been his wife since 1964.

13 comments:

Coffeypot said...

The aliens the Russians are talking about are illegal Chinese sneaking across their borders. And that will teach those N Korean Commy Bastards to fuck with a Christian Nation.

Joshua said...

I'm not sure why I thought it would be a good idea to drink hot tea while reading your posts. FAIL.

Mrs. Pickle said...

I would like to know what it is like to have breast milk. I want to spray people with it!

Mercurio said...

nice ring story and the botox one it's just a fail hehehe

Brutalism said...

That husband of the woman dying at her own funeral really does sound distraught, huh? Perhaps it was making things awkward with his date when his wife recovered briefly...

BeckEye said...

Maybe we should give all texting teens hand botox?

WhisperingWriter said...

The lady who sprayed cops with breast milk cracked me up. I mean, what the crap?

Jewels said...

Wow...the softer side of Ed...that last one was adorable!

The poor old lady who died at ther own funeral...now gonna lie...I laughed out loud.

Momma Fargo said...

What a great guy to give the ring back after she flushed his love down the shitter. The breast milk one was disturbing...is that all she could think of? And...obviously not a good mother...taking food from baby's mouth.

The Office Scribe said...

Next thing you know, when a guy gets pulled over he's going to yell at the cops "Hey, I'm a horny dude" and then he's going to...

Nope, I am going to stop right there. If your mind is in the gutter like mine, you'll finish that vision perfectly.

The Blue Zoo said...

Aw, that last story is kinda sweet, gross but still kinda sweet.

Henrietta Collins (aka Kage) said...

so i totally thought you were making up all these stories, till i checked them out. all of them.

for the first time in my life, i am speechless.

i hope no one thinks i'm dead.

hotpants™ said...

I heard about the breast milk lady on Chelsea Lately. That's just not cool.

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