Monday, June 27, 2011

Next Time, They ALL THREE Are Going To Camp!!!

In case you missed it, my oldest was at Junior High Challenge camp last week.  They spent time doing cool stuff like hiking, canoeing, kayaking, swimming, rock walls, rope climbing, zip lining, primitive camping, and chasing girls.
All while learning about God.
If not for the girls, it would have been called Christian Bootcamp.
While he was gone, the only form of communication he could receive was email, which the staff would print and deliver to the campers once a day.
His mother and I each sent him one, but later found out mine was the only one he received.
It read:
“Hey Son! Dad here.  Just wanted to drop you a few lines. I remember how much fun it was to get mail while away at camp. Although, when I was at camp, my parents never sent me mail. Pretty sure they hated me and were just glad I was gone. Anyway, I used to love getting mail in Navy bootcamp. I’m sure you are having WAY more fun there then I did at Navy bootcamp (i.e.girls), but getting mail is still fun. It’s like a little piece of home. A small piece. The only piece not completely cluttered by all your toys.
I miss having you around. Your mom has been crazy without you here. I think your sister and brother are about ready to push her over the edge. They have been beating the crap out of each other. They need you around to keep the peace and your mom out of jail for murdering them. You sister asks about you every day. And your brother has been bored without you to play with.
We went to Granny & Grandpa’s last night for the WWE thing. Grandpa made hamburgers, but without the fries. WTF! Your brother threw a fit because your mom wouldn’t let him wrestle grandpa. Grandpa’s back was hurting. So instead, he took out his frustration by randomly attacking everyone else repeatedly. He got in BIG trouble. Your mom threatened to take away his wrestlers and make that the last WWE party. He cried, as usual.
We are looking forward to coming down and picking you up. We plan to leave early and make a day of it. Hope you are having fun and making friends. Don’t be picking up any girls. I know what a ladies man you are. You get that from your father. We are just too irresistible to women.
Oh, and I bought you a car while you were gone. It’s a Pontiac Solstice. Just like you wanted. Unfortunately, you have to be really tiny to drive it, because it’s a Hot Wheel. Hahahahaha, just kidding. Even the Hot Wheel was too expensive.”
So we went down early to retrieve the boy from camp.
On the way down, I stopped at the Edinburgh Premium Outlets.
I had been promising to take the wife there for several years and thought it would be a nice little detour.
And it was.
Until my daughter shoplifted.
Me and my youngest son were waiting outside the Claire’s store for my wife and daughter.
Suddenly, my daughter comes flying out of the door, HUGE smile on face, and saying, “LOOK WHAT I GOT! DORA POLISHES!”
Me: “That’s great! Does Mommy know you have those?”
Her: “Yep”
Two seconds later, the wife bursts threw the door saying, “She didn’t pay for those! L, get back in here!”
Once back in the store, my little angel threw a huge fit, tore open the polishes, knocked over a display shelf, kicked her mom, and threw herself on the floor, while screaming and crying.
My poor wife comes dragging her out the door, about in tears herself.
I grab my little angel from the wife, stand her up, and tell her that stealing is WRONG.
Her: (crying) “But I want the Dora polishes!”
Me: “We don’t steal! Stealing is wrong! It’s Bad!”
Her: “But I want them!”
Me: “You’ve been a bad girl. And bad girls don’t get anything. But STD’s.”
It’s never too early to impart words of wisdom.

10 comments:

Joshua said...

Sound advice. For both kids.

Moooooog35 said...

Like you expect us to believe that the lack of girls kept you from getting some in Navy bootcamp.

Riiiiiight.

Coffeypot said...

I don't know. Some bad girls get to go to Hawaii, Europe and other cool places. Good girls...they sit home a lot.

Henrietta Collins (aka Kage) said...

sigh. if only someone had mentioned that the last time i was shoplifting dora nail polishes. instead i had to learn it from the power puff girls.

Jewels said...

I am pretty sure it is a right of passage for all kids to steal something. I know I did around the age of 7 when my mom told me no to something. I was so guilty afterwards that I...well I didn't take them back...but I did leave the little plastic cat figurines on my dresser for years as a reminder of my sins. Go figure...I'm not even Catholic.

Anyway...always good to know that naughty girls get STD's. Way to teach 'em young.

The Office Scribe said...

I just flashed on the "Cosby Show" episode where Rudy stole money to buy the lightup sweatshirt that didn't even work.

Kids are morons.

JennyMac said...

You’ve been a bad girl. And bad girls don’t get anything. But STD’s.”

HAHAHAHA.. and not necessarily true. Unless you have proof?

Pat said...

What's that old joke? "Good girls may go to heaven, but bad girls go EVERYWHERE"

Yeah. maybe you'd better save that one for when she gets a little older.

Your family needs a reality show. Seriously.

The Blue Zoo said...

Stealing already?? damn. Youre gonna have a hell of a time in the teen years!! lol

And you know what - you DO have to be tiny to drive a Solstice. You also have to be a girl or gay. Just fyi.

hotpants™ said...

I like JennyMac's comment. Just sayin'. Ha!

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