Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Nick Jr. Is Trying To Internationally Mind Rape Our Children...

Here’s some thoughts I had while watching Nick Jr. with my 2 yr old:
On Dora-
Where are this kid's parents?
She’s out there running around the jungle all day with some snowboot-wearing talking monkey, and NO supervision!
Guess they don’t have CPS down there.
And why snow boots?
If you live in the jungle, do you really need SNOW boots?
Wouldn’t jungle boots be better?
I bet that monkey’s feet really stink.
Are they called feet?
Maybe it’s feet hands?
Hand feet?
Lower hands?
Regardless, they stink.
You can’t wear boots that much and not have smelly pigs.
Seriously, who sends their kid out to play in the jungle with only a monkey and a talking backpack?
I’m sorry, but that map is a piece of shit.
Just like it’s intro song……Lyrics much?
Geez. If my map said the easiest way to get to the Candy Castle was to climb the Tallest Mountain, I’d cut to the chase and go ahead and saw my arm off.
Oh great, now she’s teaching my toddler Mexican again!
Listen senorita, this kid has enough trouble learning to speak American.
She doesn’t need you filling her head with your Adios and Mucho Gracias.

On Ni Hao Kai-Lan -
Oh look, more foreigners on TV.
Did she just call that old man her Yo-yo?
What’s that? Like Chinese for Pedophile?
Did she just teach my kid to say “shit”?
OH, Shui. …Guess that’s how you say “snow” in Chinese.
Still sounds like “sheeit.”

On Go, Diego,Go! -
Here’s a shocker…. Dora’s cousin running around the jungle and playing with wild animals.
Who would have guessed?
I wonder if it’s a cultural difference, or if that family just has really sucky parenting skills.
Look kid, maybe Baby Jaguar keeps getting lost because you have terrible role models at home.
Maybe he’s not actually “lost”, but running away, because you’re a freak who likes keeping dangerous wild animals captive.

On Fresh Beat Band -
So these are the kids who didn’t make the cut for GLEE.
I bet they hate their life.
Probably keep dancing in circles, singing the same songs, and thinking that one day…their Disney ship will come.
Which is probably what their future holds….Performing on a cruise ship somewhere.

On BackYardigans -
WTF is this?
OMG, THAT SONG!
IT.IS.STUCK.IN.MY.HEAD.NOW.
Pleasegetitoutgetitoutmakeitstoppleasepleasepleasekillmenow!

On Yo Gabba Gabba -
How did they manage to talk a brother into wearing that orange leotard?
What the heck are these things?
3 ugly monsters, a broken down robot, and something you’d find in an adult bookstore?

That’s IT!
We’re going back to PBS.
At least they have educational shows with decent lyrics in their title songs.
Like Sesame Street. And Clifford. And Between The Lions.
And none of the foreign stuff either.
They show good ole American shows like Teletubbies and The Wiggles.
Wait, what?


*Disclaimer-I'm not really a racist. I just play one on Nick Jr.*

16 comments:

Travis said...

Dude, you may have just single handedly been responsible for a call to DHS about me not wanting kids anymore.

Thanks for that.

(P.S. Women will wear those gay boots ANYWHERE and anytime. Doesn't matter. They think they look "cool.")

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I don't know how anyone can sit through those kids' shows and not turn into a raving, slobbering lunati...oh wait.

My bad. :)

Coffeypot said...

That kind of TV is exactly why I watch porn.

erin said...

I've been immersed in Kids TV for so long I'm now completely oblivious to any weirdness. It all looks the same to me now. Like one big colorful clusterfuck of madness.

Tiffany said...

i thought it was common knowledge that the makers and writers of nick jr were all hitting the pipe with mexicans and chinese businessmen. no?

ps- love the disclaimer.

BeckEye said...

I actually kind of like Yo Gabba Gabba, purely for some of the more New Wave-ish songs.

Also, SNL had a really funny TV Funhouse piece about Dora. If you haven't seen it, you should look it up.

Didactic Pirate said...

Sure. Go back to PBS. Go ahead. Just remember, that's where Dragon Tales lives. With the character voices that will grate your nerves until your soul bleeds.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Pat said...

Yeah, kids don't know what they're missing. Remember the days of The Three Stooges, or Tom and Jerry? Not any of this educational shit!

Dorn said...

We started out as a PBS only house until Netflix streaming came along and now it's non stop Dora, Blues Clues and Angelina Ballerina.

I'm also convinced Dora's writers are just a bunch of frat guys. First episode I remember they were in search of the Big Red Chicken. The handful I watched over the next couple weeks were chocked full of random innuendos...or maybe I'm just dirty minded myself.

Erin said...

Okay, we watch these shows too, but significantly less. What you have to do is gradually make the switch to less annoying and more educational shows like "Super Why," "Word Girl," and things on PBS.

And like the other Erin who commented above? I've sorta learned how to tune it out. But Yo Gabba Gabba will never be okay at our house. I can't stand looking at that dildo.

Momma Fargo said...

How about Bugs Bunny, the
Roadrunner and Wile E. Coyote? But then again..such violence.

hotpants™ said...

I always liked The Backyardigans. It's cute, but you're right... those songs are catchy! My little one likes The Fresh Beat Band. It's the gayest shit I've ever seen.

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

I got out of Nick Jr. just before Yo Gabba Gabba came around. #savedbythebell

Sarah P said...

AND Max and Ruby!
Where the hell are their parents?
Why is Ruby such a bitch?
Why is Max such a smug asshole?
I hate it when my kids play Max-and-Ruby because it takes me a minute to realize they are playing and not actually being jerks to each other.

SY said...

LOL!.. now backyardigans is stuckin my head.. thanks..

Date Girl said...

This is one thing that terrifies me about having kids. I see the crap that's on tv now. Will I be a bad mom if I just force my kid to watch the discovery channel? Maybe i will order old DVDs of sesame street (before naked Katy perry thank you!) and reading rainbow and boycott all the new crap.

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