Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Rejected Standup Material: The Email/Office Bit

In the Second Installment of Stand-up material I wrote for my debut next week, and later rejected as not being worthy….

I give you…………….The Email/Office Bit.


Remember the days before email, chat, Facebook, and all that stuff?

Like, when you wanted to talk to someone, you actually had call them on the phone.

Or go see them in person.

My wife used to write me letters when I was in the Navy.

Like REAL paper letters.

On LINED paper.

In ENVELOPES.

Somebody told me the other day that the Post Office was still in business.

I was like, “Shut the front door!”

How is that even possible?

Is there THAT many old people still alive?

I should Google that.

Who are these people who are refusing to board the technology bus?

They probably still have rotary dial phones and stationary.

Not me.

I love me some email.

I check mine so much, that my inbox can’t keep up.

I end up getting excited by spam messages.

YEAH, SPAM!

“WHY YES!.....I WAS THINKING OF MAKING MY PENIS BIGGER!....THANK YOU MR. SPAM!.....I’LL PUT THAT ON MY SPAM “TO-DO-LIST”.......RIGHT AFTER A NICE RETIREMENT HOME FOR MOM.......AND AN EXCITING CAREER IN MEDICAL TRANSCRIPTION!”

The best is when you go on vacation for a week.

Then, when you comeback, it’s like Christmas morning!

Hundreds of new messages in your inbox.

Just waiting to be deleted.

Plus, you have an excuse for not working for a couple of days.

“How was your trip Jim?”....“Bet you couldn’t wait to get back.”....“Did you get that memo I sent you?”

“I’m still going through all my e-mail messages.”

It totally works.

Everybody can sympathize with it, cause they’ve been through that return from vacation email storm.

They also know you are deleting them....because that’s what they did.

But they won’t accuse you of it, cause then they would be outing themselves.

Plus, there is always the chance that you are some kind of freak super employee who actually does read them all, and they can’t take that chance.

Jobs are great though.

Especially in this economy.

It’s good to have a job.

Did you see the list of the deadliest jobs that came out?

All manual labor jobs.

Fishing....logging.....farming.....roofing.....that kind of stuff.

That just proves hard work....CAN KILL YOU.

You never see office worker on that list.

I work in an office.

Some people look for job security......I look for job SAFETY.

I even work in an office at a hospital.

Just in case.

Office work is pretty safe though.

Eye strain and carpal tunnel, those are your biggest job risks.

Don’t get me wrong, paper cuts hurt........but not as much as a tree falling on your head.

Oh sure, there’s the occasional letter opener mishap.

Or maybe there’s a scuffle in the break room.

Someone neglected to refill the coffee maker after taking the last cup of Joe?

It’s not like things turn deadly when your nearest weapons are scotch tape, staplers, and post-it notes.

But maybe there’s some pushing and shoving.

Maybe someone gets whiteout in the eye.

Then some is stabbed with scissors, or a #2 pencil.

They in turn grab a thing of toner.........but quickly realizes you have to be careful with that stuff cause it will get everywhere and ruin your good pants.

Blood will come out.

Toner......not so much.

The next thing you know, someone is shrink-wrapped to the copy machine, and that’s what they get for taking the last cupcake.

It can be a jungle out there, man, an office jungle.


TAA-DAA!

Another failure on my way to finding my comedic voice. Sure, there were some positives, but making the transition from humor blogger to Stand-up comedian is difficult. Some stuff is funnier read than spoken, and vice versa.

Regardless, NO STEALING, even if it does suck.

Anyway, stay tuned. I have one more reject coming later this week.

Next Tuesday is THE BIG DAY! I hope to have my act nailed down by then.

Video will be posted afterwards, if possible.

18 comments:

Coffeypot said...

Dude, I have to have the Post Office around. How else will I get my guys their Beef Jerky, Peanut M&M’s, Nuts, Snacks, Socks, Hand Warmers and stuff? UPS and Fed EX don’t deliver to the war zone. So, if you close down the PO’s what will I do…email them pictures of the goodies? Let them see what they are missing? Nope! Gotta have the PO. Now I do love the advancements in technology. I can’t wait till the come out with Scratch & Sniff porn magazines.

Mrsblogalot said...

LOL! I think Coffeypot is itchin' or scratchin' to go out on the road with you!

It's all fun and games until someone loses a whiteout eye. (-:

Kimi said...

'Shrink wrapped to the copy machine' Good times. goooooood times!

Momma Fargo said...

Funny stuff! You are cruising right along. However, if your job is so safe...why do you guys kill each other and bring temper tantrums into the workforce? And paper cuts could kill you. Just saying...

The Blue Zoo said...

LOL I think Coffeypot kinda stole your thunder. Scratch and Sniff porn, GROSS!

Cant wait to see your stand up. You are gonna video tape it right?

Miss Yvonne said...

That "I'm still going through my emails" thing totally works. I just used it this week.

Brutalism said...

Good luck -- so cool that you are giving this a try.

Maggie said...

That's funny stuff! I can't wait to see what you chose over that!

WhisperingWriter said...

Haha!

By the way, I still use envelopes and paper. My Granny seems to prefer it to e-mail, which still confuses the crap out of her.

carissajade said...

HA! I like it. If this is the reject comedy, I can't wait to hear the real stuff!

Alicia said...

i HATE the post office...i'd rather give birth than go to the post office! and for the record, i thought this was totally funny :)

ScoMan said...

I'm in the post office like.. every second day.

Because I live in a shit hole with no shops, so I buy DVDs and books and video games over the Internet.

We don't have fancy couriers like over there. You guys probably get that stuff delivered by IPS or something.

otherworldlyone said...

I actually really liked the office bit. You should definitely keep that and work on it.

P.S. - I work in an office. In a hospital. In the SAFETY department. BOOYA!

Gaiamara said...

Dude, this is awesome :)
I can totally imagine a guy shrink-wrapped to the coffee machine... that must be a meme somewhere... hmmmm

Gaiamara said...

Oops.. copy? lol

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Hold on a goddamn second, you were a HUMOR BLOGGER? When was that, I must've missed that Tuesday.

Haha, see THAT is comedy people.

Seriously though, I think you'll have a ball next week so all the best for that. Don't get too hammered that you fall off stage although that does guarantee at least one laugh.

For the record, I once got so wasted before my band went on stage that I fell over a cable and me and my guitar fell right off the stage and landed in the crowd. I kept playing though, I'm an effing professional.

Break a leg.

Annabelle said...

You're fucking brilliant - this cracked me up. Especially this part and I can't even tell you why:


Somebody told me the other day that the Post Office was still in business.

I was like, “Shut the front door!”

Tiffany said...

i have stationary. and envelopes. i'm sure alzheimers is right around the corner.

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