Friday, September 24, 2010

Rejected Stand-up Material: The Mental Health Bit.

This is third and final installment of rejected stand-up material I wrote while preparing for my debut.

My debut is supposed to be next Tuesday, and even though I have finished my routine, I am worried for several reasons.

1. I was partly doing this for my mom, but she starts chemo the day before and might not be well enough to attend.

2. I had also planned to video it for you guys, and anyone else who couldn’t attend (i.e. Mom). However, the club will only allow video from the comedians’ seats. That rules out my wife doing the video. My arms are only so long, so I’m not sure I can video myself while onstage. I am hoping another comedian will help out.

3. I MUST have a minimum of 5 guests present in order to perform. I originally thought this wouldn’t be a problem, but my supporters are dropping like flies. Mom has the chemo, other people can’t find a babysitter because it’s a Tuesday, or didn’t have enough notice, etc. I understand all that. It is far drive on a weeknight for only 3 minutes.

4. And NOW, even our own babysitter is starting to back out (MIL can’t miss belly-dancing class *possible future routine material*).

Regardless, I’ll still try pulling it off. Please wish me luck.

For anyone who plans on attending, don’t forget to give them my name at the door. That way they’ll credit you towards my total count.

ENOUGH rambling!!!

I give you……….The Mental Health Bit


A coworker the other day was all, “Hey Ed!.....Are you okay?.......You seem really apathetic.” *coworker voice*

And I was like, “Pssshha, whatever. Like I care what you think!”

My counselor says I’m passive-aggressive.

I say he’s a really nice and honest guy……who needs to keep his opinions to himself unless he wants his tires slashed.

Counselors think they know everything.

And they’re so quick to label people.

You take a loaded assault rifle to work ONE TIME…..and suddenly you have “anger issues”.

Come on!

Doesn’t everybody kick kittens and punch babies?

They always ask you those same questions too.

“Are you having thoughts of harming yourself?” *counselor voice*

I’m like, “Look….I love me….Seriously, what’s not to love?”

Besides….. there’s a big difference in being homicidal and suicidal

…..And that difference is where you aim.

They want to talk about your relationships, also.

“So Ed, how are things in your marriage?” *counselor voice*

“My wife thinks I’m having an affair.”

“Why would she think that?” *counselor voice*

“Probably because your wife can’t keep her mouth shut any better than her legs.”

Or they bring up that whole “mid-life crisis” BS.

“Do you think you might be having a mid-life crisis?” *counselor voice*

“No chance”

“Why not?” *counselor voice*

“Because I’m ONLY 35, Nostradamus!........I plan on living longer than 70……..Ask me again in 5 years.”

“So, you think 80 is a good age to die.” *counselor voice*

“Depends.”

“On what?” *counselor voice*

“On who we're talking about and how old you are……..Cause I’m thinking you are topping out about now.”

What is a good age?

70?

80?

I used to want to live to hundred.

But really, it’s a quality vs. quantity thing.

If you spend those last 20 years in bed….gumming your food….and pissing yourself….. do they really count?


TAA-DAA!

No Stealing.

***Spoiler alert: One part of this bit will be in my final routine. Can you guess which part?”

8 comments:

Barb said...

very funnny. The "you take a loaded assault riffle to work ONE TIME" reminds me of that joke about the Greek guy whom they call "goat-fucker" just because of that ONE TIME.
If we lived close by, I'd come. But alas. Good luck!!

Momma Fargo said...

Great stuff! Good luck on Tuesday...tick,tock...are your nerves kicking in yet? And watch it with the mid-life crisis at 40 thingy. lol

Coffeypot said...

Hell, I'm 65 and I'm just now having a mid-life crisis. I just can't remember what it is...

Brutalism said...

It will all work out. Particularly the fact that your MIL is crapping out of babysitting to go to a belly dancing class. That is defintitely comic gold.

JennyMac said...

I hope you kick ass on Tuesday! And no, I can't guess which part will be in the final bit.

Erin said...

Sending positive vibes your way---hoping your sitter doesn't bail! I also hope your mom is doing alright. You're good at this gig, Ed. Very funny stuff!

The girl with the flour in her hair said...

Suicidal or homicidal depends on the aim...hee hee. Love it. Good luck!

The Blue Zoo said...

Well geez! Hope your sitter, and everything else works out!!

And I really hope your mom is ok. =)

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