Monday, September 20, 2010

Rejected Standup Material: The Homeless Bit

This is the first installment of potential standup material that I wrote and later rejected (I didn't think it was funny enough).

But I might still use it someday, so no stealing.

Writing standup is A LOT different than writing blog posts. Not only are you constrained by time limits, but your style of writing is different. Things are geared towards verbal delivery, and with audience interaction/participation. Also, the time limits in standup basically cut out the rambling and steady buildup that blogging affords.

With all that in mind, I give you…..The Homeless Bit.


I love watching TV.

You guys love TV, right?

I love watching the Discovery Channel.

You ever watch those survival shows on the Discovery Channel?

You know: Man vs. Wild, Dual Survival, that kind of thing.

It’s always these so called “survival” experts talking about how important food and shelter are in surviving out in the elements.

Yeah. Whatever….Mr. Survival Expert…We all know you have the cavalry standing by in case there’s real trouble.

Seriously, give me a survival show starring a homeless guy.

Who better to teach you about surviving in the elements than I guy who lives under a bridge like a troll.

I mean, yeah, He’s not exactly an expert on clean living.

Or money management.

But on surviving a harsh winter….outdoors…..with nothing but the worn out clothes on your back?

He’s the man.


We don’t have any homeless people here tonight, do we?

Boy I hope not.

If you’re homeless, and you are spending your panhandled money here ….instead of on whiskey and blankets,……you’re a failure as a homeless person.

Which is more ironic than sad.

It’s like being a NBA player without a rap sheet.

I care about the homeless though, cause this economy is tough, man.

Like everytime a see a homeless guy on the street, I’ll swerve.

Or at least slow down a little.

I saw a homeless guy down by Lucas Oil Stadium the other day.

He had a sign that said, “I ain’t gonna lie. We both know it’s for beer.”

That’s what I like to see.

An honest bum.

His future looks bright.

I felt compelled to be honest right back.

I said, “You smell like cheap wine and dead hooker, but I like your sign so here’s a quarter.”

Then I kicked him.

I had too.

I didn’t want all that honesty hurting his street cred with the other bums.



TAA-DAA!

Stay tuned.

9 comments:

Dorn said...

Got a few chuckles, but

"Like every time a see a homeless guy on the street, I’ll swerve.

Or at least slow down a little."

Made me laugh and then immediately feel guilty for it.

Good job.

Kate said...

Then I kicked him.

Hilarious.

SurferWife said...

OMG. I am SO stealing this homeless bit.

It's mine now, Shitleg. Come catch me if you can.

The Blue Zoo said...

How do you know what dead hooker smells like?

Thats alright, I probably dont wanna know....

ScoMan said...

I like it.

If that's the material you're rejecting, what you're keeping must be gold. Pure gold.

Momma Fargo said...

Awesome! Love it! Your mom has to have loved it...or are you keeping it a surprise?

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

I cannot WAIT to see the video!!!!! <-please wear pants.

Matty said...

Don't give up your day job.

LOL

Coffeypot said...

The rap sheet got a chuckle out of me. In the ATL the homeless are referred to as Urban Campers. But those dudes are true survivalist. Maybe we should start drinking Thunderbird Wine or Mad Dog 20-20. Make us strong.

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