Thursday, September 30, 2010

My Set!

***my set is in itallics, post commentary in tiny blue***
**Travis’ contributions are in pink. Because he likes Duke. And DUKE is gay**

How ya’ll doing tonight?
Pathetic crowd response, except for a couple of hoots from the few already drunk people
Well, you’re doing better than my mom.
Silence, except a few confused “WTF” chuckles, and one girl with a very loud “Bwah”
She was supposed to be here tonight, but decided to catch cancer.
At this point, I realized my material was too dark and adult for this college aged crowd. I was going for more of a shock & awe comedy response of “Hahaha…I can’t believe I’m laughing at this, I feel so terrible”….INSTEAD, I got a sympathetic, “Awwwwww, that’s soooo sad” response.
Well… it’s not so much that she “caught cancer” as she “had chemo”. **quotes delivered with air quotes**
Received with silence
Evidently that’s was “necessary” to “improve her chances”.
More Silence. Much later, I came up with the perfect opening for a response like this. I should have said…”So my mom has cancer.” And when they went “Awwww”, I could have come back with…”Don’t give me that awwww shit. I said MY mom, not YOUR mom….I wish it was YOUR mom….MY mom still owes me money!”—That’s gold right there.
The crap she pulls to get out of watching the kids on date night…
I might have left this line out. I can’t remember. It was a late addition anyway, and didn’t make sense. Why would mom want out of watching our kids if she was supposed to be at the show. Plus, this crowd WAS kids, so it was beyond them.
That probably makes me seem apathetic…but I don’t care.
Hey, there’s that line from my earlier rejected mental health bit. Anybody guess that right? At this point, I start assuring the crowd that it’s okay to laugh about this.
Cancer does sucks though…..…I mean, more so for her.
Nervous chuckles
But I’ve found it’s not without some advantages.
One nervous chuckle from the crowd
It’s like a never-ending get-out-of-jail-free card.
Nothing. They obviously don’t play Monopoly.
Well….hopefully neverending
A couple of laughs.
But like the other day my wife was yelling at me for something totally not my fault…like breathing…or just being more awesome than her…
More people laughing now.
Until I said….”But my mom has cancer.”
Wife starts crying… saying she’s sorry…’s her fault I always screw up the checkbook….that I never have to lift another finger around the house….or change a diaper again….
Family stuff went right over these kids’ heads
that we can have lots of sex…
Sex gets them. They LOVE sex. Now they are with me. In fact, throughout the rest of the show--sex, drugs, and pizza jokes got the biggest laughs. Go figure. Stupid college kids. I was totally going to do a joke about smoking a bong while having sex with a pizza. Like a movie. Call it American Pizza Pie High. Thanks a lot, *JennyMac*, for encouraging me to refrain from “the normal” overplayed comic routines involving “jerking off & smoking pot”. Those totally would have won this crowd.
I might be adlibbing here, but you get my point.
My point is…Cancer’s a Lose-Win scenario.
Just depends on perspective.
That part was me channeling my inner Daniel Tosh. Pretend he said that last line, and you get what I mean.
Nah....I love my mom.
She’s the best mom I have.
More laughing.
Before she got diagnosed, she’d been trying to live healthier….
Obviously…..she wasn’t trying hard enough.
They're laughing now, and I’ve found my groove. Nerves are gone. I notice the comedians in the back are cracking up. Then, the strangest thing happens. Everything starts getting foggy. Like a dream, or like I’m looking through a cloud of smoke. I am totally on autopilot now. I’m not even thinking about what I’m saying. It’s just gushing forth. (TWSS)
Don’t get me wrong…’s better her than me.
Takes the kids a minute to get, but the comedians LOVE it.
But I’ve been encouraging her to live it up.
I mean why not? She’s already got cancer.
Audible “Ha” up front.
Just think of all the stuff you’d no longer have to worry about once you have it.
I’d be going to the beach everyday…..covered in Crisco……smoking big cigars….rolled in asbestos paper……maybe eating red-meat sandwiches…..and washing it down with a little Agent Orange.
They are starting to seriously crack up.
But mom’s spirits are high, and she has really great doctors.
In fact, my sisters loved her surgeon.
I don’t know how many times I heard them say that “his wife has terminal cancer”.
I’m sorry…..but THAT’S NOT a selling point.
That’s like choosing a realtor who’s own father is homeless.
More laughing.
Or a teacher whose kid is illiterate.
Serious laughing. In fact, I hear a black guy sitting up front say, “Dammmnnn, that’s some crazy shit!”
You know I just can’t help thinking…
Maybe this is God’s revenge for mom telling me when I was a kid that maxipads were really footpads.
The house is starting to come down.
Do you wanna know how bad I got made fun of when I took my shoes off in gym class?
They are dying. Suddenly, I notice the light in the back of the room. It’s already white. I totally spaced it, and missed the red one that signaled a minute left. SHIT. I was supposed to point or nod.
I didn’t know any better.
I just thought my mom and sisters had really odd shaped feet.
They love me. They really love me.
Like they had a heel on both ends.
I notice that a waitress in the back of the room with a full tray is stopped and laughing. There goes her tips.
Boy, those things worked great for foot sweat though.
Girl up front starts choking with laughter.
And COMFY… those Dr.Scholls commercials…”Are you Gellin’?”
“No, I’m Kotexin!”
HUGE laugh! Killed them with that.
Thanks. That’s my time.

*JennyMac, you know I'm kidding. I was totally flattered when you encouraged me to try this.*
**Travis, I wasn’t kidding. DUKE is gay.**
***Post commentaries are strictly my opinions and thoughts.***
Next post we’ll find out what other people thought….not that it matters.


Semky said...

WTG Ed! Your first time, nervous, an audience full of kids, the subject matter was practically untouchable, and yet you pulled it off!! I immediately thought of you when I heard about the death of Greg Giraldo, simultaneously one out and one in. I hope you remember your humble blog and Twitter followers once you're rich and famous and doing Leno, Letterman, Vegas, and eventually hosting a game show!!

Beta Dad said...

Good stuff, Ed! Were you invited back?

Matty said...

On second thought, yes, give up the day job. Nice!

Johnny Virgil said...

I would have laughed at the non-cancer stuff...that was a little dark for me. Unless I was really drunk. Which could happen.

Johnny Virgil said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Barb said...

Foot pads! LOL. I'll have to use that on my kids. Good stuff, Ed. Bravo.

Johnny Virgil said...

as an aside, my mother told me tampons were for cleaning up spills, so once during a dinner party when my brother spilled his ginger ale, I ran and got a couple of tampons to assist with the cleanup. It went over well.

Maggie said...

Well if it's any consolation, I thought the whole thing was bloody hilarious!

otherworldlyone said...

Bravo, Ed. Bravo.

I loved it. High five to you for having the guts to do this. I wish I were that brave, but I'd just end up being a drunker female version of Ron White that doesn't say anything but Fuck.

Coffeypot said...

Finally! But it was worth the wait. Good stuff, dude (not the gay one.)

Momma Fargo said...

Brilliant! Very glad you were so great. Now...where's the know...the real one...where you cry and have to be shoved on stage from fright. Come on...give up the goods.

Seriously...sounds like it rocked.I bet your mom wished she had been there. And still thinks your great. About that maxipad idea...

Pat said...

That's some funny shit!

SurferWife said...

I'm impressed, Shitleg.

Or should I call you Menstrualfoot now?

Jenny DB said...

Sounds like it went really well :-) Some good stuff there, especially towards the end. not sure what kind of audience wouldn't feel awkward laughing about mom's having cancer but i think you did a good job making it funny! sooo what's with all the hating on DUKE?


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